tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50475982975071572372024-02-21T00:17:27.142-06:00looking.for.logosemilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-71842733954161223642011-02-17T19:24:00.001-06:002011-02-17T19:27:35.405-06:00Jumped Again!!I'm so sorry to do this to you all for now a THIRD time, but I've moved the blog one final time to its resting place at <a href="http://www.lookingforlogos.org/">www.lookingforlogos.org</a>. That's right! I've finally got the domain name and it's settled. I'm happy with the host platform, and even if I decide in the future to change that, the domain will always and forever remain lookingforlogos.org.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>I was able to import every blog and post from this site, but many of the links will be broken or bring you back to blogspot. I'll go back and edit what I can, but with 80ish posts, it's going to be hard to make it all translate perfectly. Posts made previous to February 2011 will mostly be archival in quality. Maybe I'll pull some old ones out and brush them up from time to time.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Thanks for those of you that stick by. I'm grateful to have companions on this journey.</div><div></div><div>Emily</div>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-8687368895763842572011-02-16T21:36:00.002-06:002011-02-16T21:37:25.441-06:00ruthless trust<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ1AKQ2MXkiYKP712Qr5sn26axEM8dcISjoSiRdFz7cBXgpLPmGdCi9v4qfJrbbrobb9bSQWXahKfwZjmXaN0QudUbS20nr-uvguMS7vVhXIIzMkI10qTNeqKSiFx6hJraHesqKbKLbRo/s1600/IMG_2089.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ1AKQ2MXkiYKP712Qr5sn26axEM8dcISjoSiRdFz7cBXgpLPmGdCi9v4qfJrbbrobb9bSQWXahKfwZjmXaN0QudUbS20nr-uvguMS7vVhXIIzMkI10qTNeqKSiFx6hJraHesqKbKLbRo/s320/IMG_2089.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It's</span> like I got spooked and bit down hard, clenching my jaw and wrapping my fingers around some perceived sense of control with a death grip.</b><br />
I didn't even realize I was doing it until today, while I was driving and crying out to God, He spoke to my Spirit, <i>"This would be so much easier if you would just trust me."</i> <b>Surrender. </b><br />
<br />
<br />
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Why is it so hard to remember that my Abba has His sovereign hand over my life, and that hand knows nothing but love and goodness? Why do I turn myself inside out trying to figure it all out? I force my mind to think three steps ahead, trying to predict what will happen next when there is no possible way to know. It's exhausting to live in a world where I feel I am responsible for every conceivable outcome. My heart aches, my soul dries up, and suddenly I'm facing despair and hopelessness.<br />
<b>Oh thank God for the gentle nudge that whispers "Remember Me?"</b> The relief that washes over me as I give it all to Him once again is immeasurable. There is still pain and uncertainty, but there is also hope and faith and peace in knowing that my Abba has it all figured out.<br />
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One of my best friends once gave me a card that said,<br />
<b><i>"In the end, it will all be Ok. If it's not Ok, it's not the end."</i></b><br />
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In the end, it will all be Ok. <b>That end is eternity and peace and a perspective that says</b><i><b> this is not all there is.</b></i> The pains of this world will fade away as we are brought into His Glory.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Lord, forgive my automatic tendency to bunker down in self protection while attempting to control everything. Forgive my lack of faith. My life is yours, Lord. I'm letting it go. Do with it what you will. I love you, Abba.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Your Princess. </span><br />
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<i><b>"It requires heroic courage to trust in the love of God no matter what happens to us." (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust)</b></i>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-18635452386758536872011-02-10T00:47:00.004-06:002011-02-10T00:54:51.011-06:00Abide<b>You know, it doesn't take much.</b> That left hook - when you were looking for the right - that blindsides you and knocks you out cold with one hit. It's a suckerpunch to the jaw and suddenly the world goes dark and you find yourself groping around, fingers reaching out for the familiar. <b>It can happen in an instant - the world tilts and turns and you know that it's never going to be the same again.</b> Thank God we have a Rock immovable. <i>He</i> is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. <i>He</i> is the handle we find in the inky black that gives us some kind of orientation to the "right".<br />
<br />
It's in these moments (and the moments after) that it's so crucial to hold on to Truth. But what about when I feel so breathless and disoriented that I just don't feel like I can summon the strength to hold on to anything? <b>My fingers go numb and my muscles refuse to obey the command to "hold on". What then?</b><br />
<br />
My best friend once made me a painting in the worst of times, and on it is the word, <b>"stay"</b>. It still hangs in my bedroom. <i>Stay.</i> <b>When there is nothing I can do, sometimes it's the things I </b><i><b>don't do</b></i><b> that become paramount choices.</b> Don't run away - Don't distract or withdraw or act out in a way I think is going to somehow alleviate the panic. Don't shut down, Don't give up, Don't throw it all away for what you can only feel in this moment. Don't unplug from the Source. Don't jump off the Vine.<br />
<br />
<b>Jesus invites us to abide.</b> He doesn't ask us to stress and strain and try to fix it all or figure it out. He doesn't ask us to summon some sort of burst of giant faith and push out positive thinking. He doesn't need us to pray the perfect prayers or sing the right songs. <b>Jesus only asks us to "stay". </b><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener... Remain [abide] in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain [abide] in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains [abides] in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you... As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain [abide] in my love..." </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">John 15:1-10</span><br />
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This passage is not a threat. Hear the tone of Jesus' voice, so loving and matter-of-fact. He's speaking Truth; calmly and carefully repeating himself so that we don't miss it.<br />
<br />
<b>What does a branch do to remain in the vine? </b><br />
<b>Literally, the answer is: <i>It doesn't fall off.</i> </b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
How much effort does it take to simply <i>stay? <b>Remain.</b> </i>He's already here. We're already loved. We just have to remain. Don't fall off - don't run off and try to do it by your own strength alone. Don't get despondent and succumb to the lazy self-pity that says, "Well, I guess He doesn't love me anymore..." <b>Don't turn your back on Jesus, just remain.</b><br />
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<b>I can do that, Lord. I can abide. </b>I don't have the strength to figure it out. I don't understand - I have so many questions and I feel so weak and tired. I can't imagine taking another step right now. But I trust You enough to know that You've somehow got this. You have eternity in mind for me. So I choose to stay. <b>I can't hold on, but I won't let go.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><h1 class="photo-title" id="title_div317781442" property="dc:title" style="line-height: 1.3em; margin-bottom: 12px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 12px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">www.flickr.com - Kalecik Karası Grape-vine (Kalecikkarasi) </span></span></span></h1></span></td></tr>
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<b><i>*</i></b><i>FYI, my family is fine. I'm just having to face some things from my past that are new and shocking and difficult. But we're ok. Just didn't want any of my friends to panic. ;)</i>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-80275996942276598282011-02-05T00:51:00.002-06:002011-02-05T00:59:16.534-06:00Grace at Mercy<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1uuss_NnGGskQlcGaPStdE4pbSebmIyvVcg6pgeqX58akruojGhHENAln378jPiTq2HC0IvzZvqrDD2uuJ_SPW9mk0Af0-lUYe0-SFrirYZCS71IwfJYfd_GvNJk7wb8AcaxEZ5OCoR8/s1600/P1040328.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1uuss_NnGGskQlcGaPStdE4pbSebmIyvVcg6pgeqX58akruojGhHENAln378jPiTq2HC0IvzZvqrDD2uuJ_SPW9mk0Af0-lUYe0-SFrirYZCS71IwfJYfd_GvNJk7wb8AcaxEZ5OCoR8/s320/P1040328.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Nancy Alcorn, Christmas 2009</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>This past week, I was given the amazing opportunity to go to Nashville, TN</b> to work with <a href="http://www.nancyalcorn.blogspot.com/">Nancy Alcorn</a> on an upcoming project. It was an honor to be asked and a definite answer to prayer! <a href="http://www.mercyministries.org/">Mercy Ministries</a>' corporate headquarters is right across the street from Mercy's Nashville home, so another graduate and I got the chance to go over to the house and speak with the current residents of that home.<br />
<br />
It was absolutely mind blowing to be on this side of the podium. I was looking into the faces of girls who had come to the end of themselves and were struggling to regain footing in their lives - knowing that not 2 years ago, I was in their place, looking up at a guest speaker during our mandatory morning class, wondering if they had anything to offer the pain that consumed my heart. It was a humbling experience, to say the least, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that without the miraculous hand of God in my life, I would not be alive, let alone living a life of freedom. We both shared our testimonies and then opened it up for a Q & A. Kind of like a sorority, there are some things only a Mercy Girl would understand, and it was really fun to be able to candidly offer suggestions and reassurance on an inside level. <b>I know that this project is going to turn into something great, but if the entire trip were only to speak to those girls, it would have been worth it a thousand times over.</b><br />
<br />
The girls asked some amazingly insightful questions, and the Spirit spoke through both of us - sometimes a little more bluntly than I would have answered on my own! But one of the questions really got me thinking:<br />
<b>"What is one thing you would do differently if you could go back and go through Mercy again?" </b><br />
<br />
The other graduate and I answered in a couple of different ways, but even after I was on the airplane, this was on my heart....<b> </b><i><b>I would have stopped working SO dang hard to heal myself and surrendered much sooner.</b> </i>Part of the program at Mercy is weekly assignments to read certain books and listen to teaching CDs. My counselor would select and assign materials based on where I was in my healing journey. I read everything from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0446691097?ie=UTF8&tag=lookingforlog-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0446691097">Battlefield of the Mind</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=lookingforlog-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0446691097" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" /> to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000GH2YII?ie=UTF8&tag=lookingforlog-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000GH2YII">Ruthless Trust </a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=lookingforlog-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B000GH2YII" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1907436200?ie=UTF8&tag=lookingforlog-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1907436200">The Practice of the Presence of God</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=lookingforlog-20&l=as2&o=1&a=1907436200" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />, and I listened to more hours of teachings and sermons than I could even begin to count.<br />
<br />
Probably through the first 3 months or so of my stay, <b>I thought that if I worked hard enough, read fast enough, listened carefully enough and wrote eloquently enough, I could earn my healing.</b> I wanted to prove to God that I was serious so that maybe He'd notice and throw a little sanity my way. Consequently, I was distracted, stressed, and exhausted most of the time. Mercy life can be pretty fast-paced, and while there is set aside time to work on "homework", they kept us pretty busy with other things. It wasn't until about my fourth month in St. Louis that I finally started to get a grip on the concept of Grace. <b>Grace changed everything. </b><br />
<br />
<b>"Mercy"</b> and <b>"Grace"</b> are used pretty interchangeably in the Bible, so most people think the two words mean the same thing. Both are gifts from God and both are undeserved, but here's the difference:<br />
<br />
<b>Mercy is </b><i><b>God's undeserved favor</b></i><b>.</b> God shows us mercy when we don't get what we deserve and when we get what we don't deserve. For example, I did something wrong, but because of God's mercy, I did not have to pay the consequence. I did not earn this, but because of God's mercy, He gave it to me anyway.<br />
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<b>Grace is </b><i><b>God's power working in us to do what we could never do by ourselves.</b> </i>God gives us grace - His power in our lives - to do good works. Our human nature is weak and prone to evil, but by God's grace, we are able to live righteously and do good work for Him. God's grace - His power in our lives - is also what changes and transforms our souls into the likeness of Christ.<br />
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See the difference? They're used interchangeably because there is nothing we did to deserve Grace. <b>Grace is an act of Mercy.</b><br />
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I say all of that to say this:<br />
No matter how hard I tried, I could not heal myself. No matter how much information I put into my brain, it was only by the GRACE of God - His power in my life - that my soul was transformed and renewed. All I had to do was surrender to His work. <b>Understand, God does not force - He invites. God does not push - He draws.</b> God's amazing grace cannot work in my life until I allow it to. And a lot of times, that means getting out of the way.<br />
It may not have changed a lot about what I was <i>doing</i>, but it sure would have changed what I was <i>experiencing</i>. I could have read those books with the faith and knowledge that God was going to use them according to His will. I could have enjoyed myself a little more, knowing that the pressure of transformation wasn't on <i>me</i>, it was up to <i>Him</i>.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #783f04;">"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8)</span></b><br />
<br />
I used to read that, "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #b45f06;">For it is by God's undeserved favor you have been saved...</span>" Which is nice! And true! And reiterated by the statement, "and this not from yourselves". Of course God's favor is not from myself....<br />
<b>But look at this...</b> "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #b45f06;">For it is by God's power working in you that you have been saved... And this power is not from yourselves...(</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #b45f06;">you can't save yourself</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #b45f06;">)... it is the gift of God.</span>"<br />
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Grace doesn't mean we lie down and quit doing.<b> It's a quiet surrender of the Spirit that yields to faith and trust.</b> Push the seed deep into the brown-black soil and walk away. Don't wake in the middle of the night frantic that maybe you didn't do enough to make it sprout. Let God do His thing with that seed. It will sprout in His way in His time while you surrender your worry and striving to Him. In fact, if you get in there every three hours and dig the seed up to see if it's doing anything, it'll likely never sprout. Get out of the way and let God's miracle of Grace do its thing. It's all a part of receiving.emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-67945526996953820052011-01-30T23:52:00.002-06:002011-01-30T23:54:33.500-06:00these days<b>Sometimes an obedient heart means you leap before you look. </b><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsGuBUwMmCMLRHs2OKbZhl814RpCFxtfUEkEEBiTPjIKxbxcO3rcQJXFmJIoEhYF3Ym1J9p0_OQnGOIEYNEU6W0H_qiHIBoUgfO0nFi1Px9B2ypaew4aKhM-5mY-RSspw_jOZpBdxh-M4/s1600/IMG_0292.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsGuBUwMmCMLRHs2OKbZhl814RpCFxtfUEkEEBiTPjIKxbxcO3rcQJXFmJIoEhYF3Ym1J9p0_OQnGOIEYNEU6W0H_qiHIBoUgfO0nFi1Px9B2ypaew4aKhM-5mY-RSspw_jOZpBdxh-M4/s320/IMG_0292.JPG" width="241" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artwork by abbEy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tomorrow, I'm getting on a plane to fly to Nashville, TN to work on a project with some really awesome people. I'm not really able to get into more detail at this point because it's still very much in the planning stages, but I'll try and share what I can when I can. I can say, though, that this opportunity is an honor and I'm incredibly excited and blessed that God has chosen to open this door to... wherever it leads.<br />
This is truly one of those situations where I'm walking in not really knowing what to expect - in an unfamiliar city with unfamiliar people doing unfamiliar things. I've been encouraged to see it as an adventure. :) And it is.<br />
<br />
<b>On another note,</b><br />
Today was the end of our Awake 21 fast. I can't fully describe what a precious time it's been. Kurt and I have seen significant shifts in things we've been praying into. And in the things that still have yet to manifest, we've been given the greatest gift of all - faith. One of the biggest lessons I have to learn at this point, is that breaking a fast doesn't mean things "go back" to the way they were. <b>A new spiritual water mark has been set in my life, and now it's time to learn to live out of this new place.</b> I feel, sometimes, like God is constantly pushing me onward - challenging me. The truth is, He is constantly drawing me - calling me. The challenge is getting out of my own way long enough for Him to work.<br />
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<b>I've been thinking about a couple of significant times in my life where God brought me to a new place in faith.</b> Two specific memories come from childhood, and they are treasures to me.<br />
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When I was maybe six years old, we lived in Europe and traveled a lot. My mom gave me a Walk Man and some Christian cassette tapes (go 1987!) to occupy me while we drove around in our huge conversion van. Looking back, those <a href="http://www.psalty.com/">Psalty the Singing Songbook</a> and Colby's Clubhouse tapes had some real gems of truth! I remember so very clearly this song, "You Satisfy my Soul".<br />
<br />
"You satisfy my soul,<br />
you satisfy my soul,<br />
When I reach out with a longing<br />
that only you can fill,<br />
then You satisfy my soul."<br />
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Understanding my life at that time and all that was going on at the age of six, I'm awestruck. God filled me with so much peace as I sang in my heart to Him. He reached into the mess of my circumstances and took hold of His little girl. I still remember the girl on the tape saying, "Colby, I always feel so peaceful when I'm singing praises to the Lord." Somehow, even then, I knew that getting close to God was the answer. And I certainly didn't come up with that all by myself!<br />
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As a teenager, camp was the highlight of every year. When I was in late Junior High and High School, a couple of us from my youth group went to a Navigators Camp out in Colorado called <a href="http://www.navigators.org/us/ministries/eaglelake/aboutus">Eagle Lake Camp</a>. I made critical commitments at those camps that gave me something to hold on to through those incredibly difficult years. One summer, I somehow summoned the courage to ask my counselor, Adele to go out on a canoe with me. I was one of those kids who never felt worthy of "special" attention. I stumbled through the entire week, and finally I asked. We paddled out into the middle of Eagle Lake, and she waited for me to speak. I still remember how she looked at me with so much compassion and understanding and the ache in me to be heard and understood. I didn't tell her about the abuse per se, but I alluded to a devastation inside of me that I could hardly touch. I think at the time, I thought I was being cryptic, but I'm sure she understood that I was in trouble and hurting. She was the one who encouraged me to seek counseling with a Christian therapist. She stayed in touch with me for a little while after I got home, and her letters gave me a connection and sense of significance that I desperately needed. Because of her, I resolved to keep on fighting.<br />
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<b>Looking back over 25 years of being a Christian, I'm blown away by the depth of the Father's heart toward me. </b><br />
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<i>Here's something:</i> I don't always know how my messages comes through in this blog. I mostly write out of obedience, and I never check my stats to see if anyone's even reading. Maybe I seem like an extremist or religious fanatic. Maybe I seem "out there" and my experiences are unrelateable. Most of you who've commented in one way or another know me well enough to know that I couldn't be a more raw and "real" person. But in the midst of all of the words, <b>my hope is that, somehow, through telling the stories of my life, that you will see God's heart toward YOU.</b> <b>That you would be able to trace the threads of grace through your own life and see that you are <i>so much more</i> than you ever believed you could be.</b> I pray that every person walking this planet would somehow, some way come into a realization of how God sees them. Look through the Father's eyes at yourself. You'll be blown away.<br />
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Meanwhile, I'll continue to testify to the way that God has moved me, praying that you'll see beyond me and my flaws and into His heart.<br />
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Love, Love, Love<br />
Emilyemilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-28780795439866549292011-01-28T23:21:00.000-06:002011-01-28T23:21:34.121-06:00oh how He loves...<b>I don't know exactly what I've been placed on this planet to do, but I know that I was born to worship. </b>What an incredible and mysterious privilege. In song, I empty myself before the throne of God, pouring out everything from the very depths of my soul. I sing of His greatness, His power, His protection, and His love. I sing songs of gratitude, of affirmation, of joy and awe. I reach my hands into the air - stretching toward heaven in a dance with my Abba. All the while, I'm praying in my Spirit, "Lord, nothing matters but You. I give you everything. Everything."<br />
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The music swirls and my heart lurches inside of me, because I'm being swept into a place where my earthly body was never meant to travel. I'm caught in the wonder-flow of Heaven itself, proclaiming with the angels the glory of God. Abba draws near to me, whispering in my ear even as I sing out loud. He smiles at me and reminds me how very much He loves me. My pulse quickens in delight, and I reach all the further into that thin space where Heaven meets Earth.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUZKt-TyyxqubqUoaQp5V8g9-G1kV9XVEEcPG8UW64dsrGVrV3uEMhXvlk_ZuUzmnsSiBxWUR3HPO9UA3i0ASQBmM4vesFrzahRME1KGzxesK6fpyw1XQMRCivnCUV3zGLI8dsnRCRLmw/s1600/worship+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUZKt-TyyxqubqUoaQp5V8g9-G1kV9XVEEcPG8UW64dsrGVrV3uEMhXvlk_ZuUzmnsSiBxWUR3HPO9UA3i0ASQBmM4vesFrzahRME1KGzxesK6fpyw1XQMRCivnCUV3zGLI8dsnRCRLmw/s320/worship+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<b>I was created to worship and sing. It's the greatest romance of my existence.</b> Expressing my adoration opens my ears to hear Him loving me right back. I await the day when I will stand in the presence of my God - face to face for eternity. The things of Earth fade into oblivion as my perspective shifts.<br />
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I'm captivated by you, God. Words are not enough. I'm filled to overflowing by the gracious, crazy love of God.<br />
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What a privilege it is to WORSHIP Him.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlGqC_I3Q4_FQzWPWwTRnaHdCyMhyffbYLYpsPdz-alI5W15uWh5kRUfIGQYICo_xZkkqcJOlYsh6qxF4a5xkjfdh2tRzONYjl1UdQVt9FHgbUKDmv68IICw_72Dwq00Kwk38NlOZwaqA/s1600/worship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlGqC_I3Q4_FQzWPWwTRnaHdCyMhyffbYLYpsPdz-alI5W15uWh5kRUfIGQYICo_xZkkqcJOlYsh6qxF4a5xkjfdh2tRzONYjl1UdQVt9FHgbUKDmv68IICw_72Dwq00Kwk38NlOZwaqA/s320/worship.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christmas Eve service at Lifegate Church</td></tr>
</tbody></table>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-91623812091597139812011-01-26T17:06:00.001-06:002011-01-28T23:26:42.015-06:00More thoughts on Fasting<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihcQp9VHV6FoS-oNeuOiMTxSyn2eZQoZ_ebFHzwuJRUTRzTZjpxuYvACdBVOr0yg7o_DUJRBiuDoAGDc0auSb50CkC6ADJd67j5QJRsJP5TzF3Rf2NdZYgx1eY6HMqijVf3OPv9BV8-r8/s1600/IMG_1827.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihcQp9VHV6FoS-oNeuOiMTxSyn2eZQoZ_ebFHzwuJRUTRzTZjpxuYvACdBVOr0yg7o_DUJRBiuDoAGDc0auSb50CkC6ADJd67j5QJRsJP5TzF3Rf2NdZYgx1eY6HMqijVf3OPv9BV8-r8/s320/IMG_1827.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
Well this has been a most interesting almost three weeks! Watch out, you who may be subscribed to this blog, hopefully you won't be overwhelmed by all that may come spilling out of me! :) Ah well, it's God anyway.<br />
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<b>This whole experience of fasting has been really eye opening.</b> I came across this verse, and it describes so well the purpose and plan of God in fasting. Here's how it kind of breaks down:<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+7:1&version=NIV"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2 Corinthians 7:1</span></a></strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">body</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="keywordresultextras"><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+7:1-3&version=NIV"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2 Corinthians 7:1-3</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> (in Context) </span><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+7&version=NIV"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2 Corinthians 7</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> (Whole Chapter)</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>"Therefore, since we have these promises..." </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Fasting, for me, had to come out of a spirit of gratefulness. It's not about striving to earn God's approval or acting pitiful before God so that He'll answer my prayers. Fasting (and all spiritual disciplines, for that matter) should spring out of a heart so overwhelmed by the extravagant love of God, that we can't help but respond in every way that is honoring to Him. It should be as natural as the goofy grin we get on our faces when a friend drops off a surprise Starbucks. Fasting is my goofy grin to God. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>"let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body..." </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Fasts that eliminate certain foods actually set your body into a detoxification mode. Our bodies need a rest from constantly having to process out the mess we put into it. There's a whole physiology that I don't claim to know anything about, but I do know that 2-3 Diet Cokes per day probably weren't helping my little cells do their thing.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>"and spirit..."</b> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">One of the weirdest side-effects (I guess you can call it that) of this fast, is that I haven't had a desire to watch certain things or engage in certain forms of entertainment. There's a video game that my husband and I regularly play together as a way to have a cheap date of sorts. Since we started the fast, I've had no desire to play. Not an aversion, really, but it just hasn't crossed my mind as something I'd like to do! I've been sleeping a whole lot more, which is good for the body <i>and</i> the spirit, I think. Because I've made too much a habit of staying up way too late watching some stupid show or another. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Instead, I've been really trying to make a point to meet with God every day and to feed into the gaps left by cutting out certain entertainments. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>"perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The word "perfect" has always tripped me up when it shows up in scripture. I associate "perfect" with way too many failures in my life. I've learned, though, that it is acceptable/biblical/scholarly accurate to substitute the word "perfect" in scripture for "mature". So this Paul is writing about "maturing in holiness..." This makes so much sense to me. When we mature, things that used to interest us no longer interest us. Things that didn't used to make sense start to click into place. Impatience gives way to a longer-term vision. <i>Maturing is an awesome result of fasting.</i> And we want to be mature, because reverence for God requires maturity. God deserves to be honored for the place He holds in this universe. Yes, He is intimate and good and ever-present, but He is also the Creator, the giver of life, the One who is wiser than any man could ever dream. <b>As much as I want to cultivate my knowledge of His immediacy, I also want to devote time toward cultivating my awe of His transcendence. </b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>So that's the Bible-student version of what's been going on during this fast. </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">How has that played out in real life? I've been woken up to dreams I had forgotten about, challenged in my faith, blessed in ways I may have missed before, been exposed to parts of my soul that are downright nasty, and come into a new appreciation for God's sovereignty. I hear Him more easily, obey Him a little more readily, and worship Him more passionately. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>None of this is because I am awesome, it is because HE is.</b> There are things God is showing me about myself that Satan would love to magnify until I'm so swallowed up shame that I can't move. <b>But God's not about condemnation, He is about restoration.</b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oh I have so much to share. :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Look out blogger world. She's on Fiiiiaaaa!</span>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-39451427321618849362011-01-17T18:30:00.000-06:002011-01-17T18:30:59.554-06:00Making SpaceI've come to write several times this week. In fact, I have 2 or 3 blogs in draft all ready to go. But it just doesn't feel like time for all of that just yet. The past 8 days have been more about listening, for me. About making space.<br />
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Our <a href="http://www.lifegateomaha.com/">church family</a> has joined up with churches across the globe to participate in <a href="http://www.awake21.org/">Awakening</a> - 21 days of corporate prayer and fasting. For my part, this has been the first time that Kurt and I have really fasted in the traditional sense of the word. We've chosen to participate in a modified <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Daniel%201&version=NIV">"Daniel Fast"</a> eating only fruits and veggies along with bean and nut proteins. I've recently added in some whole grain to make sure I'm getting enough calories to keep up with my speedy little metabolism. We're on day 8, today, and it has been a real adventurous time of seeking God on a whole new level.<br />
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We've chosen a couple of main issues to press in to prayer about, and already I can see the hand of God working in my heart and attitude in those areas. I'm excited to look back when this is all over and share what God has done! Some really cool "coincidental" things have already shifted, and it's only day 8!<br />
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<b>Of course, for me, the two biggest hurtles in fasting have been 1. Not letting it be about the food and 2. Not getting legalistic about everything.</b> At first, I didn't think it would be much different for me. I generally eat pretty healthy meals (minus the fast food and Starbucks). But something shifts on a spiritual level when we fast, and I am still learning about as we go. I struggle to understand it with my rational mind. How does foregoing certain foods bring you closer to God? Is it like some spiritual mountain climb, that if I eat the wrong thing I slip back a few yards and have to climb that part again? What happens when I get to the top?<br />
I used to think that fasting was about feeling hungry. And when I felt hungry, I was supposed to make that into a hunger for God. Like, literally. But I don't very often get hungry. If I get busy and skip a meal or something, my body cues are shakiness and fogginess, not hunger pains in my belly. So does that mean that fasting won't work for me?<br />
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Stovall Weems wrote a book called<a href="http://draft.blogger.com/goog_1579657994"> </a><i><a href="http://awakeningbook.org/">Awakening: A New Approach to Faith, Fasting, and Spiritual Freedom</a></i>, as a companion to this Awakening event. He wrote, <i>"Fasting is not about figuring it all out. It's about making a space for God to fill with Himself."</i> Somehow, that made sense to me.<br />
By giving up something in the name of discipleship, I am creating a space in my life and inviting God to come and fill it. This was the most relieving part for me: <b>It's not my responsibility to make God fill that space. It's His responsibility to respond to my obedience and faith. </b>God craves an intimate relationship with us more than I could ever fully express. Just read Song of Solomon or parts of Hosea. Oh, He longs to be near to us. But we surround ourselves with so much "stuff"! TV and computers and schedules and social obligations and food and clothes and shopping and, and, and...<br />
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We were created with a soulish "hunger", and because of the fall, those "appetites" got redirected. <b>So we walk around with this "need"all of the time, and our souls get really creative about how to meet that need.</b> By taking away one of the things our soul most naturally reaches for, we find ourselves grasping and searching like a child looking for her blankie. <i>This is the space.</i> This is the space that we leave open for God to fill with Himself. <b>Fasting awakens our souls to the true need in our life - and that is intimacy with God.</b> <b><i>And this is, by far, the best part. </i>My soul cries out like a child in the night, and Abba rushes in to comfort me</b>. It can be a foreign sensation as our souls adjust, because maybe God wasn't exactly what it was looking for. But soon, it recognizes that He was more than what it was looking for, and it nestles in.<br />
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It's only been 8 days, and as I've denied my soul, it's gotten pretty darn cranky at times. But I am more sensitive to the presence of the Lord, and I'm listening, because I know He's got some pretty important things to tell me while He holds me in His arms.<br />
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There is more to share, and I'm looking forward to putting it all down in words when the time is right. :)emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-61858446150856905772011-01-08T13:25:00.000-06:002011-01-08T13:25:41.622-06:00Happy "New"!It's my first post of 2011! To be honest, I've been doing a whole lot more reading then writing. It's been great to hear about everyone's thoughts about the New Year, resolutions and goals, dreams, hopes, and reflections. It's been so inspiring and encouraging that it's kind of left me at a loss for my own words.<br />
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When I was hopeless and jaded, the New Year was nothing but a turn of the calendar toward another string of empty days. I didn't count down with excitement. I thought I knew what was coming.<br />
My paradigm has shifted a lot since finding hope again, but the idea of a man-made calendar writing so many choices for people still bumps me a little bit. I suppose there is still this part of me with a foreshortened sense of the future - an urgency for the immediate - that begs a resolution every day, not once a year. Life's unpredictability makes it necessary for us to live each day to the fullest, not coasting on toward the next major milestone where we'll start over again.<br />
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On the other hand, I'm touched by God's heart toward mornings and beginnings. My God is a God of the new. God brings about the sunrise after the darkest of nights. The colors are among the most vivid and awe-inspiring in all of creation. It's as though it's His way of displaying the full splendor of His new day. The rainbow after a storm - colorful and vibrant. (It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!)<br />
I love to see the things that make my kids' mouths drop open in wonder. Most of them are things that are new and surprising and beautiful. Their faces reflect the Father's heart. My God loves new things.<br />
And while He makes no guarantee of my tomorrow, He does promise that a New Year will dawn as long as the Earth remains.<br />
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"For as long as Earth lasts,<br />
planting and harvest, cold and heat,<br />
Summer and winter, day and night<br />
will never stop." <br />
(Genesis 8:22, The Message)<br />
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So I thank God for another year and for the opportunity to experience a New Year. I'm in awe that there is still breath in my lungs... I honestly never expected to live to be 30 years old. I'm so aware that each day is on loan to me, and while I don't always act it, I understand what a huge responsibility that is.<br />
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While I'm not at all a fan of resolutions, I do resolve to live each day on purpose. Gone are the days of being chased along life's current in a sleepy stupor. Last year I got to test out my new legs. I'm almost ready to run.<br />
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I also have some goals for this year - physical, emotional, spiritual:<br />
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I want to hear God's voice for my family - whether or not we home-school, whether or not God wants to add to our family, etc - and see His plan come to pass this year.<br />
I'd like to get 300 pages down on a book by year's end. Considering I still have no concrete ideas for this book, this will be a miracle.<br />
I'd like to add fasting to my spiritual practices.<br />
I have a goal to read through the entire Bible this year, cover to cover.<br />
I'd like to meet some physical health goals, including improving my flexibility and participating in a few races/runs.<br />
I want to knit a pair of socks.<br />
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I'm writing these and other goals down in the front of my Bible, so that at years' end, I can see where God has taken me and what He's helped me accomplish. I'm interested in what others' goals are, so if you'd like to post a link to your blog entry or jot a few down in the "comments" section, that'd be fun. I'm excited to see where 2011 will take us, and I'm filled with peace knowing that no matter what victories or trials we encounter this year, God is truly in control working His greater good in to every situation.<br />
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Love, love, love<br />
Emilyemilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-50810976096911374502010-12-24T01:11:00.000-06:002010-12-24T01:11:21.189-06:00Merry Christmas!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhehMs0zQeDpmqxlsGqR6R7bwSqM3C4B2lc6zeCh6KKm2aisYpRFXFxx8IFNFkd-d5S6tKAC_AN3TdIVRJZr1nXH3uOvQLOA4hlXVc2rF3ea52KLRxGxS94uYulUbm-iQXF7ewBHN1iuvY/s1600/web-17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhehMs0zQeDpmqxlsGqR6R7bwSqM3C4B2lc6zeCh6KKm2aisYpRFXFxx8IFNFkd-d5S6tKAC_AN3TdIVRJZr1nXH3uOvQLOA4hlXVc2rF3ea52KLRxGxS94uYulUbm-iQXF7ewBHN1iuvY/s400/web-17.jpg" width="266" /></a></div><b><br />
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<b>It's been an incredible year</b>. Walking this journey of victory over darkness has been a daily act of faith and learning. My heart has been tempered in ways I never thought possible and has, at this moment, left me feeling raw and vulnerable and wonderful.<b> I cannot begin to express in words the gratitude that courses through me... gratitude, along with a myriad of other emotions I didn't think I was capable of experiencing.</b> I am rendered almost speechless.<br />
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<b>Two years ago at this time, I had just been released from a psychiatric unit in a local hospital. </b>My heart was torn apart, my will to live was non-existent, and I was weary on a cellular level. I had no hope- no vision beyond the pitch black blanket over my soul. I was hospitalized by my psychiatrist, who was worried I was a danger to myself. <b>She could see the emptiness in my eyes.</b> She could see that I had given up. It's hard to imagine, and it's hard to describe. <b>Despite my beautiful family and faithful husband, all of the good things in the world could not penetrate the broken, sorrow-filled pit in me. </b><br />
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<b>While I was in the hospital, the doctor deemed my depression "treatment resistant".</b> He recommended that I try ECT and an MAOI class anti-depressant as a last-ditch effort to offer some relief. I declined the ECT but allowed a medication overhaul. Unfortunately, the MAOI put me into a manic state, and coupled with the depression and anxiety, I became even more dangerous and hostile - if that were possible. I spent the evening on Christmas of 2008 in my bathroom, injuring myself to quell the voice of self-loathing. <b>I wanted nothing more than to die.</b><br />
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<b>Here, two years later, I stand in the light of dawn</b>. <b>By the grace of God, I've been self-injury and eating-disorder free for over a year</b>. My eyes are opened to the amazing gifts around me, and my heart has been revealed to experience love for the first time in my life. I'm building new memories with my family almost every day. God's repairing broken relationships, bringing in new friends, and helping me let go of destructive bonds. <b>I feel fragile, still, at times like an opening flower bud.</b> But I'm anchored in a real relationship with Christ. I've looked into His eyes and heard His heartbeat and He has breathed new life into my soul. Someone once spoke over me, <b>"God says, 'You begged me for a second chance. I'm not into second chances. I'm into new life.'"</b><br />
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If anyone has read what I've written here over the past year, you know I'm not trying to pretend like life is simple, or even easy. My life is very much a work in progress, and I'm grateful that God didn't drop me off at the curb after "fixing" a few issues. <b>The healthier I become, the more I realize my humanity. </b>The more I understand the power of God, the smaller I feel - but the stronger as well. I'm living.<b> It's taking me a while to figure out what that means - living life to the fullest.</b> But I can see it. The things that fill my world are astounding. Even the pain. The fact that I can feel pain and not run for the nearest blade or bottle is a sheer miracle.<br />
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I could go on and on, but that's the gist. <b>Christmas is a celebration of the dawning of a new era.</b> The coming of God incarnate in the person of Jesus Christ changed EVERYTHING about how God relates to humanity - how God relates to me. <b>We celebrate the love and the sacrifice, and we give gifts to each other to emulate in some infinitesimal way the consummate gift that is Jesus.</b> Christmas is about the opportunity to have a new life, and to literally be made into a new being. I've gotten to experience that in some very literal ways this year. So when we sing, "Joy to the world, the LORD has come", we celebrate the arrival of Hope.<br />
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<b>Hope has changed my life and the lives of my family. Merry Christmas! Praise be to the One who saved the world. Even me. </b><br />
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</b>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-87889737024324294262010-12-14T09:37:00.000-06:002010-12-14T09:37:21.648-06:00this yearI have drafts for about three different posts in the queue, but I can't seem to bring myself to finish them right now. Timing, I guess, because I've been avoiding writing about what's truly on my heart.<br />
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<b>I didn't want to write it because it's not really all in the "spirit of the holidays".</b> In fact, some days I'm having trouble seeing the silver lining at all. I know it's there, though. That presence of the Lord that radiates through the darkest personal moments. <b>Sometimes it takes faith to see it.</b><br />
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</div>My whole life, the beauty of this season has been tainted by a dark hand of fear - a threat or realized pain from a person in my past still refusing to let go. Our birthdays are a day apart, which he always said made me some kind of special. He had a habit of ascribing great meaning to the meaningless. <b>So in the joy and anticipation of parties and friends and presents, I always had to deal with what would be taken from me instead of given.</b> Any more, he is a menace - quickly losing his power and throwing a tantrum because of it. <b>God has given me back my voice and choice to resist. </b>God has given me friends who understand my situation and rally in the tough times. It's no longer a war I fight alone, but with an army by my side, so the enemy looks smaller and smaller every year.<br />
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<b>Still, there is the act of faith.</b> "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:26) speaks to letting our hands do the talking when we talk about faith in God. I think, though, that <b>part of those "works" can be the daily walking out of what we cannot see or touch.</b> As one who faced debilitating depression, I know it can be as simple as getting out of bed, showering, and getting dressed. Faith that the day holds more than the pain inside. Faith that God has a purpose for these moments, even the seemingly insignificant, and that His sovereign power is working out a masterpiece with all of the shattered pieces.<br />
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I still wake up heavy with the memories of this time. I still struggle with fear as the sun sets in the evening. I still take practical precautions to ensure that my family's safety is secure. Until this person has a "Road to Damascus" experience or dies, I will most likely always have to be proactive during this time.<br />
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<b>It's unfair and infuriating and I can finally feel that.</b> This is a precious time of celebration and giving and beauty in the simple things. This is a season of unity and the recognition of that common bond that spans color and creed and gender and social standing. And I'm incredibly grateful for what the Lord has restored to me. <b>This is my first year home, whole, and happy in five years</b>. I celebrated three birthdays in one treatment center or another, because of that pitiful manipulator.<br />
This year, however, I got to enjoy my daughter's beautiful anticipation and my son's amazement that his friends from school would honor his birthday. <b>This year, I get to live in the victory of the freedom and choices that God has given me as I celebrate the fact that I'm GLAD to be alive.</b> I'm grateful for it.<br />
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It's another lesson in the bittersweet - in reclaiming that which the enemy stole from me, one calendar date at a time. But I don't have to do it alone, and that makes all the difference. As my counselor at Mercy used to say, <b>"It's not the absence of struggle, but the presence of God in the midst." </b>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-42188070961237173402010-12-05T20:41:00.002-06:002010-12-07T00:20:49.665-06:00the gift of receiving<b>I am constantly humbled by God's crazy love. And I'm constantly convicted by my apparent lack of ability to receive.</b> I wish I could say that by some noble mark of humility, I have found myself in a position more comfortable with giving, but the truth is, <b>I've forgotten how to receive.</b><br />
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<b>My kids have no problem receiving.</b> Kids are spongy in ways that make sponges look inferior. My three <i>expect</i> to be given things. They expect that their needs will be met, that there will always be an overflow of abundance, and that their hands will always be full. In handing a sweet treat to my little girl, I have never heard the words, "<i>No, thank you. I don't need that, momma</i>." But how many times do I hold up my hand and look at the ground and say, "<i>I'm fine, thanks. I don't need that, Lord</i>."<br />
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<b>Before jumping to the conclusion that I am insane,</b> <b>think back on the times we couldn't forgive ourselves.</b> I've made a mistake, and even though I'm broken with the pain of regret, I refuse to be comforted. <i>I deserved this. I shouldn't have... I wish I would have...I can't believe that I...</i> And God is standing with His forgiveness wrapped up in a golden ribbon, waiting.<br />
<b>The times I didn't rest when I should have.</b> When I was lead to those green pastures, but I shook my head and kept on walking. When I collapsed on craggy rock, frustrated with God for my lack of energy after He had offered respite but I refused.<br />
<b>The times He poured out love on me - tangible, thick, and more than I deserved.</b> But my heart was guarded and afraid to feel, because I've been hurt so many, many times. <b>So the waterfall of grace rolled off of my back, and I stood numbly reaching, but never receiving. </b><br />
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I get uncomfortable when I am complimented "too much". I shake my hand and turn down "Thanks" with "No need to thank me" instead of a gracious "You're welcome!" Am I always the first to pull away from a hug? <i>Why am I so afraid to be loved?</i><br />
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<b>Of course, there is always the flip side.</b> The wealth of things I have received and never given thanks for - things I have taken for granted. But it's the love, for me. It's the things that speak, "<i>I'm here. You're Ok. I love you. I delight in you.</i>" <b>(He whispers these things to you, as well.)</b> These are the things that meet a weathered wall, and <b>I must somehow choose to be vulnerable to pain in order to receive the love that heals it. </b><br />
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<b>I find myself wrapped up in the arms that hold no conditions. </b>Sweet words sung over me, sweet whispers of promises I want so badly to believe. At first, I'm tense, because I'm sure this feeling will end and be followed by immense loneliness. <i>I won't be fooled, I've been betrayed before.</i> <b>But the arms remain far past my comfort zone- into eternity</b> -so I dare to relax a bit and then rest. I'm praying there is safety here - praying to the only One who will never, ever disappoint.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">acrylic pastels by abbEy</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">He will take great delight in you,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">he will quiet you with his love,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16</span>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-48041419536854861702010-11-29T01:32:00.004-06:002010-11-29T01:42:44.880-06:00...but God wears eternityI couldn't sleep tonight. I had so much on my mind, I felt like I was lying on the track at the Indy 500 attempting a nap. Finally, I got up, texted a friend, made tea, and sat down with my journal. <i>(by her advice)</i><br />
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I started writing a list. "I have to do this... I need to figure out this... I need to plan this..." And finally my words turned into a prayer. God, I can't do this. I don't even want to! It's time to trim the tree, and I want to run for cover. Visions of hot chocolate, Christmas music, and laughing children are stomped out by a wave of nausea. Lord, please, sort this out for me. Figure this out - tell ME what to do.<br />
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And then I prayed, <b>"Let me be <i>your</i> personal assistant for <i>my</i> life." </b><br />
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I laughed at myself. What a weird and random prayer. But honestly, it helped everything make sense in my head. Apparently the Holy Spirit is up on corporate culture.<br />
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Just this past week, I watched "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458352/">The Devil Wears Prada</a>" for the first time in a long time. I'm sure most have seen it, but for those who haven't: It's about a young lady that moves to New York to be a journalist, only to find herself looking for just about any job that will pay the rent. She interviews for the position of the Personal Assistant (#2) to a notoriously difficult woman - the Editor in Chief of a major fashion magazine. The movie is about the young woman's struggle to maintain her identity and relationships while half killing herself to keep up with the insane demands of her boss.<br />
It's cute, it's witty, and it has a happy ending. I won't spoil it just in case. (<i>As if it weren't entirely predictable</i>)<br />
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<b>God is not the fictional Miranda Priestly.</b> <b>But I see how the metaphor loosely fits. </b><br />
God is neither impossibly demanding nor a slave-driver of a boss. However, our lives do start to look differently as we surrender our wills to His.<br />
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The boss knows whom to meet with and why. The boss knows what he needs and where to get it. <b>The boss is the one in charge of organizing his complex life, while his personal assistant does the footwork and smaller tasks.</b><br />
Similarly, God knows who I need to make time for and why. God knows my needs and how to provide them. God can make the most complex set of circumstances come together, because He's got the bigger picture in mind at all times. <i>My job is to do what He asks me to do, so that we can work together to make the day to day things happen. </i><br />
Sometimes He asks me to do things that seem mundane or irrational. But it's my job to obey, trusting that He knows what He is doing. See, <b>when I step aside, shut my mouth, and receive direction, God is free to make my life work.</b> And because He is <i>always</i> good and has eternity in mind, <b>I can trust His decisions as I go about doing what He has asked me to do. </b><br />
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Let it be clear that God and I do not have a boss/employee relationship. I have <i>chosen</i> to serve the Lord with my life because of my love for Him. And because of the sacrifice Jesus made, I am not considered a servant but a child of God. We have a parent/child relationship. We have a best friend relationship. (John 15:15, Romans 8:15)<br />
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Free will says that I can rip the God's planner right out of his hands and try to sort out the schedule on my own.<b> Free will says that I can walk away at any time.</b> But I don't want that - <i>I can't live like that</i>. Every time I start to drift in that direction the burden becomes too heavy to bear.<br />
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<b>I want to be God's personal assistant for my life. Tell me what to do, Lord, and I will facilitate your will in my life and in this world. </b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?" (Galatians 5:18, The Message)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17)</span>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-31532499884741599032010-11-17T12:38:00.005-06:002010-11-17T12:52:52.853-06:00the Way out of fear<b>Recently I did an interview for a pretty big city newspaper.</b> I believe strongly in what God does through Mercy Ministries, and on occasion I get the opportunity to speak on their behalf about my experiences. Often times, I'll share a bit about my past and what Mercy is doing to help girls who have been in similar situations. For my part, it's great to testify to what God has done in my life, to educate others about a strong ministry, and to offer hope to girls who may believe there is no hope left.<br />
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The article was published with very little identifying information about me, but I was still left with this very unsettled feeling deep down inside. There were certain inaccuracies in the article that nagged at me, but more than that, <b>there was an air of truth to the entire situation that came blaring out in black and white</b>. I'm glad to have given the interview, because I know that <b>God is utterly unhindered by imperfection</b>. At the same time, it's been hard to shake this trembling in the pit of my stomach.<br />
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</div>It took a few days, but I was finally able to articulate what the sensation was about.<br />
<b>It was </b><i><b>fear</b></i><b>.</b> Still, after so many years, the echoes of threats and orders to <i>never tell</i> resonate in the depths. That message was so deeply carved into the makeup of my thoughts, that even now, spilling "secrets" still triggers a knee-jerk fear.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Lord, I don't want to be afraid any more.</span></b><br />
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<b></b>I tend to be analytical in my thinking - but analytical on a very basic level. <b>I've learned so much from reverse-engineering enemy tactics, that it has brought validation and meaning to what so many of us have gone through.</b> Please forgive the over-simplification of this trail of thought, but when God connected these verses for me, it made so much sense.<br />
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Here's the latest:<br />
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<b><i>Fear</i> is Satan's lock and key.</b> Controlling, manipulative people have known this from the beginning of time. Dictatorships, political games, and even the rumor mill are all driven and perpetuated by the force of fear. Fear is what keeps us from speaking up, stepping out, and moving on. It's a paralyzing agent that binds up mind, body, and will. Fear is why I couldn't break free from my abusers - why I wanted to die. <b><i>Fear.</i></b><br />
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<b>I know that Fear is not from God</b>. I don't think He can be more clear than <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Romans 8:15: "</span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">, but you received the Spirit of sonship."</span><br />
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<i>So if fear is not from God, then HOW to I get free from it?</i><br />
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Fear keeps us locked away - alone. Fear of rejection and abandonment for the vile filth inside of me kept me from meaningful relationships, especially with God. <b>But the very presence of God is what drives away fear! </b><b>See the strategy?</b> <b>If Satan can keep us in fear, he can keep us from coming into the presence of God - the very antidote for fear!</b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">1 John 4:18 "<b>There is <i>no fear in love</i> [God]. </b>But <b><i>perfect love [God] drives out fear</i></b>, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect (fully formed, mature) in love." (emphasis mine) </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">1 John 4:16 "God is love."</span><br />
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<i>So, if fear is driven out in the presence of God, then HOW do I get into the presence of God?</i><br />
When I learned the answer to this question, I actually got angry, because it is <b><i>HOPE</i> that brings us into the presence of God. </b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Hebrews 6:18-20 "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to <b><i>grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go</i></b>. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances <b><i>right to the very presence of God</i></b> where Jesus, running on ahed of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek." (The Message)</span><br />
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<b>Perhaps nothing in my childhood was more viscously attacked than hope.</b> Hope is what kept me fighting, and fighting was <i>not</i> what my abusers wanted to see. As a consequence, I spent so many days and nights in fear that I eventually lost my grip on hope. Fear turned into a "knowing". I <i>knew</i> I was going to die. I <i>knew</i> that no one was coming to save me. I <i>knew</i> I would be misused and hurt and controlled for the rest of my life. <b>As hope broke, my heart slipped even further from the presence of the One who wanted so desperately to take that fear away. </b>The hopelessness is what perpetuated into adulthood. The hopelessness is what almost cost me my life.<br />
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<b>See, if Satan can steal our <i>hope</i>, he can keep us from<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> entering</span> into the presence of God</i> where <i>His love drives away all fear</i>. As long as we remain in fear, we remain slaves to our enemy.</b><br />
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<i>What do I hope in? </i>I have hope that what God says is true. That everything will work out for good. That He will never leave me. That my future is secure. That God is good. I have hope that I will never be alone, and that this world is a shadow of the amazing, indescribable perfection that is to come. I have hope, because I believe that God really did send His Son to right everything that was broken.<br />
<b>That's hope.</b><br />
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I wrote before that <a href="http://lookingforlogos.blogspot.com/2010/04/call-it-what-it-is.html">it's not always what happens to us, but how we view what happens to us</a>. Hopeless is ultimately a misperception. That's the secret that the enemy works so tirelessly to keep from us! <b>When we know the TRUTH, suffering actually </b><i><b>brings</b></i><b> hope. </b><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">The mystery that undoes all of the plans of Satan is </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">joy in the suffering</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">. </span></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Romans 5:1-8 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but </span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">hope</span></i></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, just at the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly... But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."</span><br />
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<b>I don't have this mastered.</b> But God's shown me the way, and that's a huge start. After all, it's the Truth that sets us free. ;)emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-75829084223922620562010-11-10T09:40:00.003-06:002010-11-10T14:43:44.939-06:00times they are a changin<b>Change is difficult. </b><br />
Even when the changes are positive, the very fact of <i>difference</i> is a challenge to cope with. I used to get angry with myself for my apparent weakness and lack of adaptability. I've found, though, that <b>God has created us for stability</b>. Made in the image of Him, who is the same beyond time, we have a glimmer of the unchangeable One in our makeup.<br />
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<b>Our family moved this past weekend. </b>There were so many reasons to move on, most practically that we had simply outgrown it. For some reason, the boys continue to get taller and my daughter seems to acquire "stuff" at a rate I doubt the Roman Conquest ever saw. My husband and I are coming into our... <i>thirties</i>... we need our space. We can't live in dorm-sized accommodations like those college kids. It's exhausting! Regardless, we prayed and waited and planned to move for about six months (which seemed like so much longer), and finally, God brought us to the house He had in mind for us.<br />
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We love it. It boasts an additional bedroom and a great rec space for the kids so that the adults can stake our claim in a crumb-free zone. (we'll see how long it stays that way) It's a peaceful place, and for the first time in my adult life minus one year, I do not have to share a wall with any neighboring residents. The kids are released to be the free-range chaos they were intended to be without fear of hushing. My husband finally has the office he has long deserved.<br />
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<b>Change, though, is hard!</b> As I watched my pasta over cook, I had my husband running to the van to see if he could find the box with our colander in it. I can't find the light switches, and I have this strange sensation that I ought to be wearing flip-flops in the shower. We live in a different part of town, so I'm unfamiliar with the local grocery store or the fastest route to school. I had to switch Walgreens, which just makes me feel like I'm cheating on my old one! Even the kids, as adaptable as they are, are stretching for a full night's sleep with all of the new noises to wake them.<br />
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<b>As a child, I relied on predictability for survival.</b> Anyone who has grown up in the throws of violence understands the over-trained ability to read body language and mood shifts in the room. <b>If I knew what was coming, even if it was painful, I could at least prepare. </b>Some of my most terrifying memories from childhood involve being caught off guard in one way or another. I still live most days in a state of hyper-awareness. I sense shifts in atmosphere like a deer with a flickering tail, ever ready to bolt at the first sign of danger. <b>And, of course, it affects my spiritual outlook</b>.<br />
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<b>We all inherently associate God with our primary childhood guardians.</b> I had read about the Lord who turned women into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and ruined cities and made fish eat people. I paralleled God with an angry, impulsive, vindictive man - but I was comfortable with that. I knew how to deal with His sort. <b>All I had to do to survive was figure out what pleased Him and made Him angry, and then be sure to do the right things so as to stay in His good graces.</b> Problem is, God's standards are impossibly high.<br />
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I had also read about a loving, steadfast, and faithful Father. Oddly, I was less comfortable with this image than the former. I couldn't sort out the dichotomy I saw in destruction and protection, and this seeming changeability made God frighteningly unpredictable. Verses about God's unchanging nature made no sense. <b>Was He just predictably unpredictable?</b><br />
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<b>I had failed to grasp the simple fact that God is not a man.</b> God is <i>LOVE</i>. Not as a descriptor, but as an <i>essential</i> to who He is. I came to know the true heart of God, learning to discard the fears of my past and let go of my false assumptions. <b>See, God is not made in the image of man. He is not a reflection of our nature. We are a reflection of HIS.</b> I had to toss aside everything that I thought I understood about how to approach the throne and <i>trust.</i> <b>God is not to be </b><i><b>figured out</b></i><b>, but to be </b><i><b>believed</b></i><b>.</b> Somehow, I had to take Him at His word and hear His heart.<br />
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<b>I am finding a truly unchangeable Father. He is not only good, He is <i>always</i> good. He is not only loving, He is <i>always</i> loving.</b><br />
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There are so many changeable things in this world. Life is a breath. Nothing is truly predictable. Change, even of the good kind, happens every single day. <b>And Change is hard. </b>But circumstances to do not change who He is. Through pain and loss and fear and heartache and victory and laughter, God is and always will be the pure, sweet Truth.<br />
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<b>God is the rock that we can cling to in the chaos.</b> In the tossing waves and shifting sand, He is the same. <b>There is safety in stability in knowing that when the world falls apart around us, we can look into the eyes of a God who regards us with unwavering adoration.</b> Gone are the days of trembling before the doorknob, terrified to reach out because I did not know what I would get. There is so much comfort in knowing that <i>every, single time</i> I approach the throne of Grace, I will meet the <i>same</i> Lord with the same open arms. Every time.<br />
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I sit in my chair in my new house and lean upon the One who remains The Same despite the geographic shift. I pray the protection of The Same over my kids in their new rooms. I trust in The Same traveling down new roads of every kind. <b>Thank God, because I don't want to be afraid any more. </b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"You laid earths' foundations a long time ago, and handcrafted the very heavens; You'll still be around when they're long gone, threadbare and discarded like an old suit of clothes. You'll throw them away like a worn-out coat, but year after year you're good as new. Your servant's children will have a good place to live and their children will be at home with you." (Psalm 102:27, The Message)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17, NIV)</span>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-4621879579845472282010-10-31T14:16:00.007-05:002010-10-31T14:26:14.686-05:00the winning team<div><b>Everyone worships something</b>. Even the nihilist that swims in a suspension of meaninglessness worships the emptiness by giving it honor in his life. <b>We have so many choices - God loves us enough to let us go.</b> I don't claim to be a world views or spiritual expert, but I know God, and I know deceit, and I know that I'm loved by the One above all others. And so, for that matter, is <i>every</i> other person on planet Earth. </div><div><br />
</div><div><b>This is so important to me.</b> </div><div>When a six year old child witnesses the death of another child, the concepts of good and evil, life and death, and survival instinct all come crashing into the concrete. <b>I just wanted to be on the winning side, whatever side that was.</b> I wanted to be on the side of the one that would let me live. Because of the chaos of my surroundings, I was in a very literal black and white world of innocence versus depravity. Let's call it what it is - the depravity of man is Satan's domain. And I learned at a very impressionable age what the cost of serving Satan can be. </div><div><br />
</div><div>Hopefully most don't experience the battle on the front lines that way, but I know that many, many have. Fortunately and unfortunately both, most people have no idea what they are up against. The things of the kingdom of darkness are at best a novelty act. Our culture is flooded with zombies, vampires, black magic, astrology, mythology, and counterfeits of every kind. </div><div><b><br />
</b></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Pause and hear me:</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;"> </span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">I'm NOT standing in my "Holy Hideout" condemning "the world" for their interest in the latest vampire series. </span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">What I see is a people with a </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">sense</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;"> of the supernatural who are doing everything they can to get </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">near</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;"> to it... but they don't necessarily know what they're looking for. (And, as a note, my kids do dress up for Halloween. They also understand our family's values.) </span></div><div><br />
</div><div>My point is, <b>I didn't know for a very long time who would come out the stronger.</b> Of course I had heard about Creator God casting Lucifer from heaven. (Luke 10:18) But I didn't <i>KNOW</i> who was going to win, because darkness seemed so powerful to me. </div><div><br />
</div><div><b>Lifelong story short, God showed up mightily in my life in ways that I can only begin to recount. </b>And when light shines in the darkness, the darkness MUST flee from it. (Ephesians 5:13-14) God <i>IS</i> bigger and stronger and more powerful than our Enemy. Any attempt to persuade us differently is a <i>lie</i>. Whatever shape the darkness takes - sickness, poverty, hopelessness, calamity, and even death - <b>I testify to the conquering power of Yahweh.</b> He is more real than anything that can come against us. <b>There is Hope in the name of Jesus.</b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><div>"What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." (John 1: 4-5, The Message)</div></span></div><div><br />
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<a href="http://www.christomlin.com/">Chris Tomlin</a> has a song we sang at <a href="http://www.lifegateomaha.org/">Lifegate</a> this morning, and the words are Truth. </div><div>I found it so appropriate, on a day that the occult has marked as a celebration of the Deceiver, that the power of the Holy Spirit would show up and break loose the chains of fear and doubt in peoples' hearts. </div><div>Our voices rang out and the shadows had to recede, because Satan knows that he has been defeated.</div><div><br />
</div><div><i>"Our God is greater, our God is stronger,</i></div><div><i>God, you are higher than any other..."</i></div><div><br />
</div><div>The keen survival instincts that I developed as a little girl are still awake in me. <b>But now I know which is the winning side. And</b> <b>I choose to worship Jesus Christ, the name above all other names. </b></div><div><br />
</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">and gave him the name that is above every name,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">in heaven and on earth and under the earth,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">to the glory of God the Father."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">(Philippians 2:9-11, NIV)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><br />
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</span></div><div><object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wJ65aNv28Jc?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wJ65aNv28Jc?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object></div>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-21303464662272875742010-10-27T22:43:00.004-05:002010-10-31T14:31:29.509-05:00clinging<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'ve hesitated to write because I'm so much </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">in the middle</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> of it. But God's been so faithful in the midst, that I had to share this one thing.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">One way that Satan pokes at me is to convince me that I will slip, spin, and spiral back into that black void of hopelessness and despair that almost swallowed my very heartbeat. So in times when emotions run high and tears run free, I become frantic - clawing like a kitty on the drapes so as not to fall back into old habits, old thought patterns, and old defeat. Most of the time, when I push the kids down into the living room so that I can cry in peace, I whimper out to God, </span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I'm not strong enough..." </span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And instead of mocking my frailty, He answers, </span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I know"</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">At my Tuesday morning Bible study, </span><a href="http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/hearts-omaha/id389582307"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Hearts Omaha</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, we talked about the discipline of meditation. How powerful it is to meditate upon the Word of God and the promises He makes to those who will dwell on His words. </span><a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/ann-voskamp/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ann Voskamp</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, author of the amazing blog, </span><a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/10/what-the-heart-really-knows-why-memorize-scripture/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">A Holy Experience</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, said, </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"All the heart knows is what it know by heart"</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. She writes "</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #171212; line-height: 21px;"><strong style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: 700; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Repetition is the way we revive a failing faith, the slow pumping of life into the lungs, again, again, with the breath of His Words."</span></strong></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #171212;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That's what meditating on God's Word has meant to me this week - the repetition of His words of comfort and Grace. And so, more than once a day - more like every time I reach out my heartstrings searching for a lifeline, He says, </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."</span></i></span></b></span></span><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This is the meditation of my heart through the tantrums and trials.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Through the times when I simply cannot will myself to stand up and put one more bead on a string, or even drive through a fast food restaurant to feed my family, I roll over and over in my heart,</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV)</span></span><br />
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</b>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-90283524610586320572010-10-21T23:04:00.001-05:002010-10-31T14:29:28.214-05:00hope in the asking<div style="text-align: left;"> It's indicative of my past, but I become distant and quiet when things get intense. I was telling a friend just tonight that<b> I have turtle-like characteristics</b>. Have you seen how fast a turtle can move? Not those giant ones, but regular old box turtles. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYqRKlOwcqR1JVn2FTbxhLYFwunZ88SyNDhRP0GnDvMRxL-paucjZ_MM6XxJHL-LBLCW2NORpIiAjlXl9iUUVhuKBehpTqtKXshD821HZicRmIN6v3oMf2uSUL69HsAp99ITYp-KoseVg/s1600/images-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYqRKlOwcqR1JVn2FTbxhLYFwunZ88SyNDhRP0GnDvMRxL-paucjZ_MM6XxJHL-LBLCW2NORpIiAjlXl9iUUVhuKBehpTqtKXshD821HZicRmIN6v3oMf2uSUL69HsAp99ITYp-KoseVg/s1600/images-1.jpeg" /></a><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">When things are going pretty smoothly, I'm cruising along with my neck way out - interacting, committing, experiencing, and leading. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But when things get crazy, it's like, "POP". The head goes in and the mobility comes to a screeching halt. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDzEhyZVVJnlU_8FHU18Xi2kn49HLt8VqW_3v8E1xG5rhmtFRqVHfS2HbTbX_6DlDlil3h31mtBfyR3oKzfDbiYoaPOIPOm57LyRZf5wPu7h1exUJc2UDH-t8kwDFHZ60dlzSKZ6Kn2rQ/s1600/images-2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="139" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDzEhyZVVJnlU_8FHU18Xi2kn49HLt8VqW_3v8E1xG5rhmtFRqVHfS2HbTbX_6DlDlil3h31mtBfyR3oKzfDbiYoaPOIPOm57LyRZf5wPu7h1exUJc2UDH-t8kwDFHZ60dlzSKZ6Kn2rQ/s200/images-2.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>Yeah, it's kind of like that.</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>Grief is hard.</b> It's hard because it's one of those times when the <i>healthy</i> thing to do is feel all of those nasty negative emotions I try so hard to ignore. I've <a href="http://www.emily-wagoner.blogspot.com/2010/07/always-learning.html">mentioned this need</a> to get away from pain for fear that it will linger on forever. Learning that it won't makes the process no less uncomfortable - just perhaps less hopeless.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I've thought a lot about whether or not to share what I'm about to share. But this blog has been so much about my heart and journey and God in it, that to keep it to myself seems... dishonest. (This is a personal conviction and not a projection.) I write from the depths of my heart, and right now, this is pretty much what's in the deep of it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My husband and I have just recently gone through a miscarriage. Most people didn't even know that I was pregnant, because we kind of like to wait until the first trimester is through before we share. The news was a shock to us. We weren't planning on having any more kids at this point, because we're just so delighted (and busy) with what we have. But, as reality set in, a space was made in my heart for this new little one. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">At our first appointment, the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. The blood work came back with not-so-great results, and we were kept waiting for two weeks until a second ultrasound confirmed what we feared in the first. Little pea grew to about 7 weeks and then stopped. At what would have been about 12 weeks, we decided to let the doctor do a procedure to ensure that I wouldn't end up with further complications. All in all, it has been a heartbreaking and fairly traumatic experience. And I'm not going to lie, it's been faith-shaking. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">During the two weeks of waiting, I was in a fog of shock. To be completely honest, <b>I didn't know what to pray for.</b> I didn't know what I wanted. It sounds so strange, but I could envision my future with a new baby and without. And truthfully, I was terrified to ask for the life of my child and then be let down. I shielded myself from the hope that things could turn out alright. At the same time, this flicker of positive expectation would not die in me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>I remember standing during the opening praise set at my Bible Study</b>, my hands out in front of me and palms up toward heaven as though I were holding something. I couldn't sing, I could only stand in God's presence and <i>be</i>. I felt God nudge me to ask what I was afraid to ask. The Holy Spirit stirred in me to pray what I was afraid to pray. Hopelessness washed over me as I tried to steel myself for the pain of disappointment. More than anything, I did not want to be hurt again. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>God is gentle and good and persistent.</b> I can't describe it, but in my spirit I heard Him say, "Just ask me". It wasn't accompanied by a promise, like "Just ask me and it'll be Ok". In fact, I had no peace either way about the outcome. But God was challenging me on my fear. He just wanted me to trust Him enough to ask. So in that moment, I prayed, "Lord, please let this baby live."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">That's when the tears came. For the first time in all of the confusion and chaos, I collapsed before my God and let myself be vulnerable to Him. It was the first time I had really surrendered the situation to Him - and it came in the form of a request. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>See, as long as I was playing my cards close to my chest, I still had control of the game</b>. Feigning indifference allowed me to say, "Ok God, whatever you think is best" in a very flippant and detached manner. It <i>looks</i> like faith. But it's not honest. It's the surrender of a conquered soul, not a soul won by love. It speaks to defeat, not faith.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>In asking for what my heart truly wanted, I set myself up for hope</b>. I chose to place a dream in the hands of my Father and fully trust Him with the outcome. I also set myself up for disappointment and heartbreak and loss. And it was really, really hard. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Ultimately, I did not get what I asked for. I have no idea why. But honestly, seriously, I love my Lord as much now as ever. I trust Him, because I know that He heard me and He holds our future. We lost our baby, but I did not lose HOPE. <b>And maybe that's the beauty for these ashes.</b> Maybe my defeatist surrender would have yielded a cold distance between me and God. As it is, I can pound on His chest and scream my questions at Him, but I'm close enough that I can feel His warmth and He can wrap His arms around my soul and minister healing. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>Grief is hard.</b> And healing from this loss will be a process. And God is right here with me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Psalm 34:18</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">and saves those who are crushed in spirit.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-84244664089877675522010-10-12T22:48:00.000-05:002010-10-12T22:48:37.298-05:00Audrey AssadWith so much victory behind me, sometimes I feel like I have to put on a brave face, when in reality, things just really hurt. I trust my Lord, my heart is full of faith, and He knows that. But today, He just let me cry. And I feel better. :)<br />
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<object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9b5Snkw18Lg?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9b5Snkw18Lg?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-75674258571175154902010-10-01T00:41:00.004-05:002010-10-31T14:37:58.630-05:00waiting it outI guess I've drifted into "survival mode". It's the moment-to-moment careful distribution of time and energy to my top 10 priorities in life while everything else gets put on pause. Our family is going through some pretty major shifts right now. There are a lot of unknowns about Kurt's job (he's got one, just thinking about a change), where to live, where the kids will go to school, financial stuff, health stuff, kids stuff - the whole nine. Most of these changes are positive and exciting, but still unknown. I know that God has some pretty major things lined up for us in the next year, and I'm finding myself anxious to see how the end reads.<br />
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<b>Last weekend, I went camping with my son, Alex, for Scouts.</b> He's a Weebelo, which is the transition between the Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts. All of the Weebelos in the district went down to Camp Wakonda to spend time with a "brother" Boy Scout troop and learn the ropes from the older kids. It's like a mini college recruitment. Kurt had camped the weekend before and had some obligations on Saturday, so I decided to go with Alex. We packed up the bare essentials - sleeping bag, change of clothes, tent, flashlight, lantern, bug spray, and water and took off. We honestly didn't bring much else. The Scouts are all about doing it au naturale.<br />
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Alex and I set up camp just fine, and he played night tag with the kids while I sat with some of the other parents and talked. We had a cracker barrel and laid ground rules and it was TAPS at 10:30. As diva as I can be, I really like sleeping outdoors. The tent walls were thin enough that I could see the full moon like a far away glow inching across the tent ceiling. It was about 65 degrees on a perfect late summer night. The cicadas and crickets were a racket, but somehow it all lulled me to sleep.<br />
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<b>About 1:30 am, I woke up to what sounded like a car wash.</b> A storm had blown in and rain was pelting the tent. I flicked on our lantern and took a look around the tent, fully expecting to see a half inch of standing water. Thankfully, we were mostly dry. I inspected the gear and made sure nothing was touching the sides of the tent that could leech water in. Finally, I laid back down and listened to the pouring rain. The wind started to pick up and blow our roof-flap around. The sides of the tent started to shake, and thunder crashed overhead. My heart pounded. I felt as vulnerable as if I'd been standing under a hand-held umbrella.<br />
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Around 3:00 am, I gave up on sleeping and started thinking about a strategy. The storm showed no sign of letting up, and I couldn't get a signal on my phone to check the weather. Our camp site was a good 200 yard walk from the car. There was no way I was going to be able to salvage myself, Alex, and our gear in the downpour. <b>Ultimately, I decided that the best thing we could do - the only thing we could do - was stay in the tent and wait it out.</b><br />
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<b>I found myself lying there waiting for the tent to collapse in on us.</b> I played out a dozen scenarios of what it would be like to find myself under a mess of sopping wet tent material. Would we even be able to breathe or find our way out? I hadn't brought a knife. I only had a couple of emergency ponchos that were like plastic bags with holes in them. My heart pounded away and my eyes strained against the dark, searching for any sign of tent failure.<br />
Although I had been praying the whole time, in those dark hours before dawn, I prayed in earnest. My prayers weren't elaborate or inspired. They were more like a bunch of random pleas and some mild irritation at our misfortune.<br />
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<b>Finally, God got through to me. </b>I thought about all of the unknowns in life right now. I thought about the scary changes and the unforeseeable future. <b>And I thought about how, although I was depending on God to keep me safe and dry, I was mostly just lying awake waiting for everything to collapse in on me.</b> I had to smile at how often I do that. How often do I relegate God's protective, divine, and sovereign power to the protection of a tent in a thunderstorm?<br />
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<b>God never promised there wouldn't be rain, but He did promise to be our shelter in the storm.</b> And God's shelter is no flimsy tent. It is, comparatively, a five-star penthouse suite in an above-ground fall out shelter in a castle. Even in my own home, I don't fear a thunderstorm.<br />
<b>We lend our faith to things every day. </b>I trust a plywood, glass, tar paper, and shingled house to protect my family during a storm. Why can I not trust God, creator of the universe, with my uncertain future?<br />
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We made it through the night dry for the most part. The rain lifted the next morning and quit completely by the afternoon. Of course, the Boy Scouts have a "Be Prepared" mindset and didn't cancel any of the planned activities. We did them in the mud and rain. I didn't mind the weather, though. Sure I was a little chilly and uncomfortable, but I was not afraid. <b>I find that almost anything is endurable when fear is removed from the equation</b>, because in the absence of fear is God's perfect, inexplicable peace. Learning to walk in that peace is one of the great lessons of my life.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Psalm 27:4-5 (NIV)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">One thing I ask of the LORD,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">this is what I seek:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">that I may dwell in the house of the LORD</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">all the days of my life,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">and to seek him in his temple.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">For in the day of trouble</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">he will keep me safe in his dwelling;</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">and set me high upon a rock.</span><br />
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</h2>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-87268735763971731682010-08-28T00:59:00.007-05:002010-10-31T14:57:19.945-05:00looking.for.logos<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLjcdDw-Q-LUwKxYh-wBJL0LiKtixUsFkS6h_jAdYudxI3KPkw-lmxwy5uOMIp8DXo92jHfSg7gGkJRmwNyhcl-9ywhehyphenhyphenfAmaJ7Zl7E1Sd35RY8QtOukVDB_8WfU0hj9-KR1wqTVhLO4/s1600/The_Thinker,_Auguste_Rodin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLjcdDw-Q-LUwKxYh-wBJL0LiKtixUsFkS6h_jAdYudxI3KPkw-lmxwy5uOMIp8DXo92jHfSg7gGkJRmwNyhcl-9ywhehyphenhyphenfAmaJ7Zl7E1Sd35RY8QtOukVDB_8WfU0hj9-KR1wqTVhLO4/s320/The_Thinker,_Auguste_Rodin.jpg" width="214" /></a>I've started school full time again, and thus my blogging is taking 2nd fiddle in my writing endeavors. However, for one of my classes, I read a chapter from a book called "Habits of the Mind" by James W. Sire that rocked my world!<br />
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Ok backing up, I have to say that naming this blog was a real challenge! <b>I wanted the blog to stand for something more than myself. </b>Even though I strive to be transparent and include my personality and life in my posts, it's not really about me, my day-to-day life, etc. I have a written journal for that, and no one would want to read it. I promise. This blog, as I've mentioned before, was meant to honor God publicly for what He has done and is doing in my life, the things he is teaching me, and more importantly, to hopefully work as a conduit for God's truth. <b>He gave me the name, "looking.for.logos".</b><br />
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A seed was planted in my heart by a teaching series I watched while in St. Louis. The instructor talked about the concept of allowing God to transform our souls (mind, will, and emotions) by His Truth. <b>As part of my healing journey and now my life as a disciple, I'm learning how vital it is to sort out the truth from the lies and to fight for the knowledge of God.</b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #ffe599;">John 8:31-32 is a token verse worth memorizing. "Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."</span><br />
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It's obvious, but Jesus was NOT kidding. The lies (strongholds) of the enemy are what systematically break us down. They go from huge fundamental lies like "God does not exist" to personal lies like "I fail at everything I do". It was a lie that lead to the fall of mankind and a system of lies that keep mankind from living in the victory that Christ died to give us. The antidote for Satan's lies, is TRUTH. <br />
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<b>There are some that would argue that there is no such thing as absolute truth.</b> Our culture today tells us that truth is a personal thing - It's truth if it is true for me, but it doesn't have to be true for you. We're told that truth is cultural or religious, or preferential. Ultimately, the world (Satan) tells us that truth is relative. Some believe that no one can really ever know the truth. They claim that the truth is ultimately unknowable. But that statement is self-contradicting. Proclaiming the "truth" that truth is unknowable nullifies the statement.<br />
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<b>God has given us the absolute Truth through his revelation in Christ and the Scriptures.</b> It is the "logic" of God - His thoughts - His reasoning - His logos - that breaks apart Satan's strongholds and sets us free from sin, doubt, guilt, FEAR, anxiety, hatred, unforgiveness, selfishness, etc. Knowing the truth and holding fast to it allows us to weather any circumstance in life. It gives us HOPE.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">James W. Sire says, "The ultimate foundation for human knowing is not the autonomy of human reason; it is not the autonomy of human experience. The ultimate philosophical and theological foundation for all human knowing is the Logos. The foundation is ontological: God not just as Being but as Reason or Meaning. And this Logos has an incarnate from - Jesus as 'reasoner'. [Truth]" (Sire, 2000 p.202)</span><br />
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<b>Jesus' ministry here on Earth was to impart a new logic, to teach about the Kingdom of Heaven and His father.</b> Knowing Christ, the Logos of God, and living from the <i>truth </i>of our identities in Him, gives us victory over our enemy and lets us share that truth with others. God has placed a burning desire in me to be "looking for logos" in every situation, every circumstance, every breath. To be listening for the God's Truth in the midst of the flood of other noises. To be seeking after Christ, to know Him better, and to pursue that Truth so that God, through the Holy Spirit, can break down those strongholds in my soul and continue to transform me into the likeness of His Son.<br />
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I don't know where God wants to take this blog or even this vision for a future ministry, but I wanted to share a little more about the meaning of the name "looking.for.logos", and hope that others will join me in pursuing Truth/Christ/ and the Logos of God in all things.emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-50869448108013439092010-08-12T12:11:00.004-05:002010-10-31T15:00:02.822-05:00Slaves of what?My blogging has severely lapsed over the summer. I started writing in January as a source of accountability and to share what God is doing in my life. It was meant to keep my gaze upward, looking for God in the little things. And it totally worked! The Lord continued to speak to my heart, and in big or little, significant or not, I wrote about them and it helped solidify things inside of me.<br />
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Seems, though, that the busier my life gets, the less I write. It's not that God's stopped moving or speaking to me! In fact, as I sit to blog today, I can think of so many topics that I'd love to write about. It's that I'm not taking the time to honor Him by slowing down and publicly recognizing His awesome hand in my life. It has less to do with my writing or its content, and more to do with my heart and priorities. Weird what a little blog can show!<br />
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To that end, A word was planted in my mind on Sunday and won't leave. I went with my dear friend to her home church, and the topic in Bible class (I can't remember what their Sunday School is called) was "slavery". As the teacher spoke, several verses flooded my mind, and I thought about all that I've learned in this past year or so about being a slave.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimuSX9WzgUu65p_fTivszT_bQEuldgq-gCyob9_M18rQ-FgTmp9StT1ZNFA2vGjelYJSUKynnJoIaNCrQ4tKShwW7gQmsxXX20oUxYkP2PxB6rgTfHvxwK4eHoLR_kQbmjyxw_RSo6J90/s1600/shackles1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="122" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimuSX9WzgUu65p_fTivszT_bQEuldgq-gCyob9_M18rQ-FgTmp9StT1ZNFA2vGjelYJSUKynnJoIaNCrQ4tKShwW7gQmsxXX20oUxYkP2PxB6rgTfHvxwK4eHoLR_kQbmjyxw_RSo6J90/s200/shackles1.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
The second part of<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">2 Peter 2:19 </span>i</span>s the phrase that has been resonating with me since Sunday. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"...for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him" (NIV). </span><br />
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<b>When I think of slave, I think of one completely subject to the will of another. </b>That makes my heart lurch. I hate being told what to do. Silly example, but I sometimes resent having to sit through the safety demonstration in an airplane. Flying out to Nashville this past weekend, I was woken up by a flight attendant who told me to turn my iPod off so that we could safely land. WOKEN UP, because apparently my crazy iPod waves are going to interfere with their auto-pilot instruments... It's funny, but the point is, <b>I cringe when I am told what I must and must not do.</b> I think that most people internally buck the system when it seems we have been given an ultimatum. However, none of this comes close to the concept of slavery.<br />
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Slavery in Biblical times was a simple matter of fact. It was a part of their cultural dynamic and governing system, so when Jesus and the apostles talked about being a slave, it resonated with the people. Even though slavery in the United States was abolished in 1865, the concept should resonate with us as well.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">John 8:34 "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is <i>a slave to sin</i>'" (NIV emphasis mine).</span><br />
This is where that famous and most often quoted verse comes in: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" John 8:36.</span> (I didn't want to just leave it dead ended like that)<br />
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But Jesus was making a bold point in verse 34. Sin is a brutal master. I've heard it said that sin will take you further than you ever wanted to go and demand more of you than you ever wanted to give. Addiction is a good example, but not the only example. <b>We are slaves to whatever we give ourselves.</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">In Matthew 6:24, Jesus made the point, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other." He goes on to say, "You cannot serve both God and Money." (NIV)</span><br />
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The point is this: <b>Either I am serving God, or I am serving something else.</b> Either I am a slave to sin or I am a slave to righteousness/holiness.<b> Two huge indicators for me are, what am I giving my heart to? And what am I giving my time to?</b><br />
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What consumes my thoughts? Where does my mind go in the quiet moments?<br />
Does it go to the to-do list, a relationship, or what's on TV? Do I spend most of my time thinking about my looks or my weight or my next meal? Or does my mind go to the things I'm grateful for, the people I'm praying about, the next assignment He has for me?<br />
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I have a mind that tends to race (understatement), so sometimes the most obvious indicator is where I spend my time. What am I spending my 24 hours a day on? How much TV am I watching, or on my computer, or Facebook, or video games? What relationships do I give time to? How much am I working or studying? And, more importantly sometimes, <b>What am I "too busy" to do?</b><br />
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Hear me: I'm not talking about a life where every single thing I do has to do with <i>church</i>. Joyce Meyer says that sometimes the most holy thing you can do is take a nap. Jesus is talking about something bigger than Facebook and American Idol and Ben and Jerry's. It's about the posture of my heart. <b>What am I giving myself to? Because we're all a slave to something</b>.<br />
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I want to be a slave to the only Master that matters. <b>Jesus set me free from sin so that I could be a slave to righteousness - a slave to the heart of God.</b> In that light, spending all day long washing dishes, cutting the crust off of sandwiches, and wrestling my four-year-old down for a nap is giving myself to the work that God has called me to! (if I do it with the right attitude) Pouring time into quality relationships is living for the Lord. It's not a matter of works. No one can earn God's grace. Also, we cannot do any good without God's power working in and through us.<br />
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<b>God is asking me to look at the things I am allowing to control me in life</b>. It's startling and humbling and leads me back to the center, which should be and always will be Christ. Life's chaotic, but Jesus is the master of my chaos, and He brings peace and order and calm. I just need a reminder sometimes.<br />
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When I get overwhelmed and confused by clutter and demands, one of my favorite verses always puts things back into perspective for me. It's one of the few verses I actually have memorized.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">1 Corinthians 2:2, "For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified." (NIV)</span>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-36008795945829983082010-07-27T21:59:00.000-05:002010-07-27T21:59:59.392-05:00ElianaIt's tough, sometimes, to focus on the invisible, eternal, and etherial when so much is vying for our attention at any moment in time. There are verses in the Bible that seem, out of context, to make little-to-no sense.<div><br />
</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV) </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."</span></div><div><br />
</div><div>Sometimes I think, "Mmmmkay..." I feel like Paul should have said, "For what is seen is real, but what is unseen is better (probably)". How would I know, I can't see it!</div><div>It's difficult to explain how faith "feels". It's hard to put into words the things of God. We are a people wanting to see, smell, hear, touch. So testimonies become an important part of our faith-building experience. Seeing God's fingerprints on Earth and watching Him move in a tangible, undeniable way, even if it's in someone else's life, gives us something to hold on to. And one of my favorite things about God is that He's not afraid to show Himself strong. </div><div>Kurt's and my best friends just had an amazing little girl named Eliana. She was born July 26, 2010 at 3:17 am. I got to be at the hospital with Abbey from the ER to the Postpartum room. I'm so grateful to have been a part of that incredible experience. Eliana's birth story is one of those awesome God-encounters. Abbey wrote her testimony to share her experiences. She gave me permission to post it here, and I'm excited to share it with you!</div><div><br />
</div><div>These are Abbey's words:</div><div><br />
</div><div><!--StartFragment--> <div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">We've waited a LONG time for this day to come. The last few years have been really rough. We've had at least 3 miscarriages. For a while I suffered really deep depression- not wanting to get out of bed unless I had to work. Through all this my faith was strengthened and deepened and I came to know a God who cares deeply for me on a level I never knew was possible. I searched His heart and found promise and protection and grace and abundance. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">Most importantly I found trust. God is a God who can be trusted. I gave everything over. All of my worry, all of my dreams, ambitions, what I thought my family should look like, everything. I decided that permissive will would have it so that we'd have to go through medical testing and who knows what else, and perfect will would be His timing and His plan. I trusted that His plan was a whole lot cooler than mine would ever be. So we waited. . . </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 15px;">"Be still and know that I am God". </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">Psalm 37:3-7 3 "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">From Day One I knew this pregnancy was viable. I had no fear at all whatsoever. I kept it quiet because I believe in the power of words and I didn't want to take the 'chance' of allowing anything negative to be said. It's amazing how words can become thoughts that are then rooted into our minds and grow into big ugly worries and fears. In the beginning of my pregnancy I was convinced that we were having a boy and we'd had a boy name picked out for as long as we've been together. So at 20 weeks when the ultrasound tech announced that we were having a girl I was at first shocked, and then excited followed by 'oh no is mike gona be disappointed?' followed by 'well what in the world are we going to name her!?!?' over the next week the stress of life really started to mix in with my new found hormones and i found myself quite 'undone'. I remember crying at walmart with Emily saying 'she doesn't have a place to sleep and she DOESN'T HAVE A NAME' just beside myself! haha at this point we'd come up with a possible name that we liked just fine but it just wasn't 'doin it' for me. The name "Annika" seemed like a lot to compete with (to me anyway) So I was at Target with my sister and was talking about this whole issue again and I silently said a prayer, I even remember where I was standing </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">"Lord you're just going to have to name this baby. This pregnancy is a big deal. Her name needs to have a great meaning. You have a romantic heart and you know all the names and all the meanings and ummm.. so... can You just name her for me?" </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">So the next night I was on my computer. The name we'd come up with so far was "Alayna" (which no one can have cuz it's still on my name list for future possible use, lol) Every time I put the name Alayna in a google search box it came up a different meaning, and different ways of spelling it brought up even more meanings. I tried one more desperate stab at finding a good result so I put in "Ilaina" or something and google says 'no matches found' and right under that it says "did you mean. . ." and had the name "Eliana" I thought 'No I didn't mean . . .. but. . .thats kinda pretty" so I clicked the link and the definition read: "God heard my prayers and answered." And then the tears came- because in my heart I knew that God had named this baby. What a perfect name for such a little miracle. God is a God worth trusting :) A God worth committing to. And we feel so very blessed by this perfect baby in His perfect timing.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWD6Z9Nx3nnXShHrrfVtB-X7MOmGlpviOcXu5B3R3V_3VjdUWVNLySbZRv5m-JLtcPMx6Kurcnncw_97B9i4hVpd04F74DIzSn_5InTmEe25djcGXxErIleMfaboqr9RxUuN1yxflFaRU/s1600/38538_1555298482176_1226613497_1536453_41136_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWD6Z9Nx3nnXShHrrfVtB-X7MOmGlpviOcXu5B3R3V_3VjdUWVNLySbZRv5m-JLtcPMx6Kurcnncw_97B9i4hVpd04F74DIzSn_5InTmEe25djcGXxErIleMfaboqr9RxUuN1yxflFaRU/s320/38538_1555298482176_1226613497_1536453_41136_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." Prov 2:10,11 <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br />
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</span></div><!--EndFragment--> </div>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-28626212354172896522010-07-15T13:15:00.000-05:002010-07-15T13:15:29.536-05:00always learningSometimes the past becomes very present. Because I still live in the same area where so many difficult things happened, I'm still prone to attempts by others to lure me back into that old way of life. Those who like to control others are not fond of losing control. As difficult as it has been for me to break free, it is more difficult for some (especially the Enemy) to let go. But God is so much bigger than any devil, man, or circumstance, past - present - and future.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6, NIV</span><br />
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I am learning to walk on new legs of Victory and Faith, and while my legs may wobble and even collapse at times, God is always faithful to pick me up again. (In this illustration, God is Thumper from Disney's Bambi... but I think that's Ok...)<br />
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I wanted to share a couple of the things that God is revealing to me, because it is times like these - the harder times - that the true power of Christ shines through. Christianity, unlike any other religion on the planet, not only offers an explanation for suffering; it offers true, unparalleled hope in the midst.<br />
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<b>I'm not a huge fan of uncomfortable feelings</b>. Which, I suppose, by definition makes them uncomfortable. As soon as I find myself experiencing something unpleasant inside of me, I immediately want it gone. In the past, I would try to push the feelings away with substances, self harm, or emotional numbing. Even now, I try to push the feelings away by distracting myself with inane things, or demanding that God immediately rectify the situation. I find myself getting frustrated with God when He doesn't swoop down in the <i>way I want Him to</i> in the <i>timing I want Him to</i> and fix everything. A lot of those emotions are born of a legitimate fear that the discomfort will persist for a very, very long time. Spending the formative years of my life in a state of perpetual fear gave me the impression that feelings, once felt, linger for intolerably long periods of time.<br />
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<b>God is teaching me that life is different now</b>. He is showing me little crevices that I can slip into to weather out the storm. I am learning to trust that feelings are temporary, and even the feelings that don't seem temporary are bearable with God's help. Understand that I have heard this all before. "The sun will come out, TOMORROW!" But when the blackness lingers past what I felt I could tolerate, I created my own little sun in my own little way to try to push the darkness back. I had to get my hands on some real truth - some truth that would sustain me through anything.<br />
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<b>Sometimes, I find it helpful to read the Psalms aloud.</b> Psalm 118 above, Psalm 91, Psalm 31, and Psalm 23 are great places to start. They are honesty, born out of trial, that express the human condition without apology, but also point to the One who is able.<br />
<b>Music is another way that I fill myself with truth</b>. Kari Jobe, Brooke Fraiser, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Matt Redman, Hillsong, Gateway, and Desperation Band all have amazingly appropriate songs for when we struggle. There are times, though, when the Bible feels too heavy and the songs start to blend together, and I've had to find other ways to refuel.<br />
<b>I've been blessed over the years to have friends and family that have written me encouraging letters </b>and notes. Especially having been in the hospital so much, I've received some of the most uplifting words. God speaks through people still, today. I pull out those notes from time to time as a tangible, flesh-on reminder of God's love. I recently pulled out my "good-bye" book from Mercy, where many of the girls I lived with wrote messages to me when they graduated. Those words are prophecy of life to me. It was so encouraging.<br />
<b>Getting outside and experiencing Creation is extremely cathartic</b>. My best friend and I used to wait for rainstorms and intentionally walk/play/lie down in the rain. It's like heaven pouring down, lighting up every sense in my body. I feel present, grounded, and alive. With all of the weather we've been having this summer, I should do that again!<br />
<b>Calling or texting a good friend, while praying specifically for encouragement is amazing</b>. God wants to bless you. He wants to hold you in His arms. He will speak through His Word, through songs, through creation, and through others, if we listen. It is the moments of experiencing His love that make weathering the storm possible. Listening to music doesn't make the problem go away. It may not even change how you're feeling - but that's not the point.<br />
<b>The point is to listen for a touch from heaven, and to receive. </b>God's done some pretty amazing things over these past few weeks - going out of His way to prove His love for me. Some mornings, I wake up overwhelmed and frustrated, and those feelings stay throughout the day. Some mornings, though, I wake up with hope, and that's a very new and different way of walking through a trial.<br />
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Grateful and always learning.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"When David and his men came to Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep... David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God." 1 Samuel 30: 3-6</span>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5047598297507157237.post-52974317127939587992010-07-14T10:56:00.000-05:002010-07-14T10:56:03.259-05:00so grateful<div>My sweet friend and former staff member, Katie, was so incredibly brave to share her testimony with the world. I love this girl... She's absolutely precious, and the miracle that God has worked in her life is part of what kept me going through the hard times. I got the opportunity to get to know Katie pretty well over my seven months in St. Louis, and she's absolutely genuine. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing with us, Katie! </div><div><br />
</div><div><embed allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" height="348" src="http://downloads.cbn.com/cbnplayer/cbnPlayer.swf?s=/vod/700Clubi_071310_WS" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425"></embed></div>emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00550844911041348547noreply@blogger.com0