mom's day

Mother's Day is a very big day. I know how women are. This is one particular day out of the year that we have purpose to become hyper-introspective.  

We think about our moms. Maybe we knew her, maybe we didn't, maybe we had more than one. Maybe we had a "mom" that wasn't our "mom". We think about our childhoods. (Sometimes whether we want to or not!)  What our moms did that we will NEVER do. What went well, and what we appreciate now that we didn't then.

And we think about being or becoming a mom.  Nothing will bring more women to tears for more different reasons than meditating on that subject.  Maybe we don't ever want children, or maybe we have children we weren't expecting.  Maybe we can't wait to start having children, or maybe the trying has been heartbreaking. Maybe we're grateful for the kids we have, and maybe we're mourning the ones we've lost. Maybe we know we can never give birth to a child, but we mother none-the-less.

Guarantee that, by and large, guys do not go through the emotional overhaul on Father's Day that we ladies do on Mother's Day.  If they get emotional about "fathers", it's usually during "Into the Wild" or  "Hannah Montana, The Movie".  (You think I'm kidding. Tears. Actual Tears.)
I know I'm not being fair to the guys and their powers of introspection. LOL
It's just that women have the instinctive intuitive ability to turn any occasion into An Occasion.

In all honesty, I can only speak from my own experience as a woman. I feel like God carved out a space on the inside of me, and there is a deeply running river that ties me to my identity as a daughter and a mother. It rings out in a place beyond what I can see and describe.  It is deeply personal and deeply sacred.  And I believe that God intended for it to be this way! He gave us parents to give substance to an indescribable God. We understand God by coming to understand our parents. For better or worse, unfortunately.  And He gave moms supernatural grace to love the way He loves - whatever the object of that love may be.  The world is a flawed place. God's design is not.

Today, I am grateful. I feel a lot of things, but most prominently, I am grateful. I am the daughter of a mom I have never met and an adopted mom who loves me deeply. I am a mother to three astounding kids sleeping snug in their beds as I write and three in a place more perfect than I can imagine. And most importantly, I am the daughter of the Most High God.  I have so much to be grateful for.

To anyone woman who may read this post: 

Whatever your situation was and is, know that there is one constant you can cling to today. If you've given your heart to Jesus Christ, you can rest in the knowledge that you are now and forever the daughter of the King. And when the whole earth fades away, He remains.

If you've loved and lost, whether in dreams or in this life, I'm so very sorry. You are not alone in your grief. God's heart is for his daughters.  He is not asking you to put away the pain. He invites you to share it with Him, to pour out your heart to Him, and then trust Him to lead you forward.

And if you think you are not a mother, you are. Look around at the ones you have loved without payback or gain. The ones you have loved who have made a mess, but it didn't change a thing. The ones you have held and comforted and patched up a wound. You may not have the title "Mom", but you have a mommy's heart. So I honor you today just the same.

From my heart to yours,
Emily

disassembling lies

One of the most powerful things I experienced in my healing journey was discovering the Truth about myself and God. I mentioned before that it's not so much what we experience in life that harms us, as do the lies we believe as a result of what we experience.  These "strongholds", or as Pastor Les calls them, "demonic logic", are what eat away at our minds, bodies, and souls, and wreak terrible havoc on our ability to live and enjoy life.  Sometimes the lies are pronounced, but some are more subtle, and we don't notice that we are buying into them until Truth comes blaring through.

 Paul talks about this concept in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (just so ya know I'm not making this up)

  "The world doesn't fight fair.  But we don't live or fight our battles that way - never have and never will.  The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture.  We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of a life shaped by Christ." (The Message)

In context, Paul is speaking in defense of his ministry, so the weapons he speaks of are Truth, God-given Understanding, the Scripture, and our Authority in Christ.

With the help of some great mentors, I was exposed to the truth. I wrestled with it, argued with it, and saturated myself with it until the Holy Spirit began to turn head knowledge into a real revelation to me.
I had "head knowledge" for years. I could spout off a ton of memory verses about how "God so loved the world" and we are "created in His image", but it never changed my life. I still, at the core of me, believed that I was an exception. I had a sneaking suspicion that while God loved the world, He was angry with me. Maybe God had great plans for other people, but for some reason, I was sub-par and would fail at even the most mediocre plans He had for me.  And it was just as well.  As long as God and I had a handshake relationship, He couldn't expect too much of me, and I couldn't expect too much from Him.
But when God in the Holy Spirit turns head knowledge into heart revelation, it becomes woven into the fiber of who we are, and untangling it becomes near impossible. That is when real change occurs.

One of my great passions in life is to see people (and hurting girls specifically) discover the Truth.

All of that said, here's one lie we're going to disassemble today:

Lie:  "My existence is an accident. I am on this planet by chance / happenstance / fluke / mistake." 

Truth: "I was created by God on purpose, for a purpose."

There are so many things that I could say regarding this simple truth. It's profound in its simplicity. But it makes such a HUGE difference when we start to understand that we are here by divine will. 
Now, if we believe this, Satan will throw a bunch of things at us regarding God's intention, His decision making skills, our ability to do what God has purposed for us, what it says about us if we aren't walking in God's purpose, or how we've failed in one way or another by simply breathing in and out every day.

FORGET THAT NONSENSE. We'll get there. There are truths to refute all of those arguments.
Today, just revel in the fact that you are not a mistake. You were brought forth from the heart of God, intentionally. He wants you here right now because He has amazing things in mind for you. And no matter what that looks like or how it plays out, His plans for us match our personality, our preferences, dreams, hopes, and abilities. We can be excited about our future, because He's right here with us, glad that we've hung on this long, and excited to show us the next thing.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9


"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love." Ephesians 1:4 (The Message)


"You did no choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last..." John 15:16


"This is the kind of love we are talking about - not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God." 1 John 4:10 (The Message)


I think people like the girl in this video are a special wink from Heaven. How can anyone argue that this precious girl with her amazing abilities came together by a random grouping of cellular energy? There's a Creator at work, here. And while my life may not look at all like this, (although I can hammer out a mean "chopsticks") my life is no less significant and I am no less talented in the area of my destiny.




Addendum:

A dear friend of mine, Tempy, is an awesome example of a heart pursued by God. She has survived horrific abuse and has found herself on the other side sifting through many of the same lies I did. Tempy is a courageous and eloquent woman, and I'm glad to know her. Here's a link to one of her most recent revelations. 

Crackers & Juiceboxes

see through

I've had several different posts in mind but haven't gotten around to formulating any of them into real, whole sentences. Hopefully this will be legible. :) Thanks for sticking by me.

I gotta say, God's way always looks different than I think it's going to. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but I'm realizing how idealistic I can be. It is a blessing and a curse. Optimism hopes for the best, but Idealism sort of expects it. There is a picture in my head of how I thing things ought to go. A narrative plays out in my mind - usually following the plot of a sitcom or romantic comedy - well before events actually take place. I rehearse conversations. (I know I'm not the only one) But when the gloves come off, reality can be either really boring, really uncomfortable, or really disappointing.
Hear me out: I'm not saying that I'm perpetually deflated. Uncomfortable is a good thing. It means that I'm in a place of growth. Boring and disappointing are my own fault. I set myself up for those.

God gave me a vision a while back, around 2004. (I think) I'm not usually one prone to visions, but I held this one close to my heart, asking God over time to reveal the meaning to me. I'd explain it in detail, but it'd be meaningless to you. Additionally, Joseph got sold into slavery when he shared his vision, so...

The long and short of it, is that I knew God would be refining me to be in a position to help others. On a grand scale or a small one, I don't know. In what capacity exactly, I'm unsure. But it's been amazing to see it play out over the past 6 or 7 years. Coming home from Mercy, I knew that something dramatic had happened in my life. I feel like I'm closer than ever to seeing that vision fulfilled.  Of course, in my idealistic dreams, I am a put-together, spiffy, organized and collected woman of influence. I see myself in a trendy natural fiber tunic sipping overpriced coffee and laughing as I share a witty piece of wisdom with a girl in need.  I see my kids lying on their stomachs on the spotless living room carpet reading their assignments while I draft my second book on my laptop.  For some reason, I have glasses on my head, even though I don't use reading glasses. There is always a lot of sunlight in my dreams.

That is SO not how life works. Every now and then, I'll get the opportunity to talk to someone who has been reading this blog, face to face. Maybe I don't know them very well, or maybe we've been friends for years, but sometimes they'll tell me how it has helped them or that they enjoyed it. Looking at the face of someone who reads my stuff is really uncomfortable! I put my heart and soul "out there" on this blog. I'm vulnerable, but it's safe because it's relatively anonymous. Somehow my words here belong to a segregated time and space. I'm surprised at how tongue tied I get by face to face comments! But it's so good for me. Not for the ego boost, but because it's actually really, really humbling to know that God is using me to speak His truth. It blesses me so much, no matter how naked I feel.

Something else happened recently that threw me for a loop. While at Mercy, I got the opportunity to meet a woman named Charlotte Gambill. She really made an impact on me, so I introduced myself to her. After seeing her for the second time at a women's conference, she asked me to email her. Four months of procrastination, and I finally did. I'm not sure what made me finally write to her, but God knows. Turns out, she "happened" to be in Nashville visiting the Mercy house there, and she shared my email with Nancy Alcorn (President and Founder of Mercy Ministries).  Nancy emailed me a sweet note and asked if she could post my letter on her blog. I agreed, excited to give back to the ministry that had so dramatically changed my life.  Within two hours, the new blog post announcement pops up on my twitter feed.

My stomach dropped through the floor. I clicked over to it, and there was my letter (for the most part), spelling out my testimony for Nancy's world to see. She didn't use my last name, of course, but she did post a photo. Reading through the letter, I realized that I had given a lot more detail than I would have usually, because I wrote it for an audience of one.  I panicked.  Kurt was sitting right beside me, and he was quite soothing and rational. I worked through my fears and audibly gave it over to God.

Driving in the car later, my prayer went something like this:
   "Lord, I thought that sharing my testimony would feel different. I thought that bragging about what You did would be fun! Why do I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin? Ahhh! Jesus! You did this, right? I mean, it's all going to be ok, right?"

I paused for a little while and listened while the Holy Spirit spoke peace and assurance into my heart.
I realized that God knows exactly what I can handle. He is not the type of God to throw me into a role that I am not ready to play. He's giving me these small opportunities to work out my humanity and continue to release control to Him. And it's so much less glamorous than standing behind a glass podium delivering a message of passion and grace. (with glasses on my head, again) It feels so different than I thought it would. But it feels right. And I know that I'm not alone.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 
'As the heaves are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" 
Isaiah 55:8


Here's a linkback to Nancy's blog post:  "Awesome Update from Recent Graduate!"

mountaintop highs

Got the awesome opportunity to go with Trinity's several worship teams to the Hillsong United concert. We loaded up a couple of 15 passenger vans and headed out to Des Moines, Iowa for an amazing night of Jesus time.  I know that God speaks to everyone a little bit differently. Some see Him in nature, in people, in art, or in the written word. Some are brought into the presence of God by an amazing sermon, a beautiful cathedral, or a sunset.  God has always used music as a way to draw me near to Him. Since I was a tiny kid, music was the avenue that God chose to woo my heart. And it's still the fastest way for me to get into intimate communication with Him.

Worship, for me, isn't about the words or the melody.  It's about coming into a place where I am able to let down the walls I keep to guard my heart and throw myself at the feet of the King with reckless abandon.  I can't explain it in terms that can be understood. But what I know, is that these times of tangible closeness with my Savior are priceless. I am so grateful that we serve a LIVING God.  I'm so grateful that He would chose to make Himself known to me.

When I am at a loss for words, I'm comforted to know that there are those in history who describe what I have experienced. By the breath of God, they put a language to a divine exchange.


"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Master sitting on a throne - high, exalted! - and the train of his robes filled the Temple.  Angel-seraphs hovered above him, each with six wings.  With two wings they covered their faces, with two their feet, and with two they flew.  And they called back and forth one to the other,
       'Holy, Holy, Holy is the God-of-the-Angel-Armies.
       His bright glory fills the whole earth.'


The foundations trembled at the sound of the angel voices, and then the whole house filled with smoke. I said,
      'Doom! It's Doomsday!
      I'm good as dead!
      Every word I've ever spoken is tainted --
        blasphemous even!
      And the people I live with talk the same way,
       using words that corrupt and desecrate.
      And here I've looked God in the face!
      The King!  God-of-the-Angel Armies!'


Then one of the angel-seraphs flew to me.  He held a live coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar.  He touched my mouth with the coal and said,
      'Look. This coal has touched your lips.
        Gone your guilt,
        your sins wiped out.'
      And then I heard the voice of the Master:
        'Whom shall I send?
         Who will go for us?'
      I spoke up,
       'I'll go.
        Send me!'"


[The commission of Isaiah the prophet as recorded in Isaiah 6:1-8]


*Update*  Abbey sent me an email last night:
"All I wanna say, is that on the last airplane ride home tonight I couldn't be more uncomfortable. Seat 31 right over the dumb engines.  I finally put on my 'praise' set lit on my iPod and the song "I Will Go" by the Desperation Band drew my attention, and the whole time I kept thinking of you and didn't know why.  Like I wanted to text you and tell you to download the song, but I couldn't cuz I was on an airplane. ;P So at the end of the song he quotes that entire scripture.  So when I read it just now on your blog it was one of those 'in alignment with the Holy Spirit' moments."

God is awesome. :)