Happy "New"!

It's my first post of 2011! To be honest, I've been doing a whole lot more reading then writing. It's been great to hear about everyone's thoughts about the New Year, resolutions and goals, dreams, hopes, and reflections. It's been so inspiring and encouraging that it's kind of left me at a loss for my own words.

When I was hopeless and jaded, the New Year was nothing but a turn of the calendar toward another string of empty days. I didn't count down with excitement. I thought I knew what was coming.
My paradigm has shifted a lot since finding hope again, but the idea of a man-made calendar writing so many choices for people still bumps me a little bit. I suppose there is still this part of me with a foreshortened sense of the future - an urgency for the immediate - that begs a resolution every day, not once a year. Life's unpredictability makes it necessary for us to live each day to the fullest, not coasting on toward the next major milestone where we'll start over again.

On the other hand, I'm touched by God's heart toward mornings and beginnings. My God is a God of the new. God brings about the sunrise after the darkest of nights. The colors are among the most vivid and awe-inspiring in all of creation. It's as though it's His way of displaying the full splendor of His new day. The rainbow after a storm - colorful and vibrant. (It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!)
I love to see the things that make my kids' mouths drop open in wonder. Most of them are things that are new and surprising and beautiful. Their faces reflect the Father's heart. My God loves new things.
And while He makes no guarantee of my tomorrow, He does promise that a New Year will dawn as long as the Earth remains.

"For as long as Earth lasts,
planting and harvest, cold and heat,
Summer and winter, day and night
will never stop."
(Genesis 8:22, The Message)

So I thank God for another year and for the opportunity to experience a New Year. I'm in awe that there is still breath in my lungs... I honestly never expected to live to be 30 years old. I'm so aware that each day is on loan to me, and while I don't always act it, I understand what a huge responsibility that is.

While I'm not at all a fan of resolutions, I do resolve to live each day on purpose. Gone are the days of being chased along life's current in a sleepy stupor. Last year I got to test out my new legs. I'm almost ready to run.

I also have some goals for this year - physical, emotional, spiritual:

I want to hear God's voice for my family - whether or not we home-school, whether or not God wants to add to our family, etc - and see His plan come to pass this year.
I'd like to get 300 pages down on a book by year's end. Considering I still have no concrete ideas for this book, this will be a miracle.
I'd like to add fasting to my spiritual practices.
I have a goal to read through the entire Bible this year, cover to cover.
I'd like to meet some physical health goals, including improving my flexibility and participating in a few races/runs.
I want to knit a pair of socks.

I'm writing these and other goals down in the front of my Bible, so that at years' end, I can see where God has taken me and what He's helped me accomplish. I'm interested in what others' goals are, so if you'd like to post a link to your blog entry or jot a few down in the "comments" section, that'd be fun. I'm excited to see where 2011 will take us, and I'm filled with peace knowing that no matter what victories or trials we encounter this year, God is truly in control working His greater good in to every situation.

Love, love, love
Emily

mountaintop highs

Got the awesome opportunity to go with Trinity's several worship teams to the Hillsong United concert. We loaded up a couple of 15 passenger vans and headed out to Des Moines, Iowa for an amazing night of Jesus time.  I know that God speaks to everyone a little bit differently. Some see Him in nature, in people, in art, or in the written word. Some are brought into the presence of God by an amazing sermon, a beautiful cathedral, or a sunset.  God has always used music as a way to draw me near to Him. Since I was a tiny kid, music was the avenue that God chose to woo my heart. And it's still the fastest way for me to get into intimate communication with Him.

Worship, for me, isn't about the words or the melody.  It's about coming into a place where I am able to let down the walls I keep to guard my heart and throw myself at the feet of the King with reckless abandon.  I can't explain it in terms that can be understood. But what I know, is that these times of tangible closeness with my Savior are priceless. I am so grateful that we serve a LIVING God.  I'm so grateful that He would chose to make Himself known to me.

When I am at a loss for words, I'm comforted to know that there are those in history who describe what I have experienced. By the breath of God, they put a language to a divine exchange.


"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Master sitting on a throne - high, exalted! - and the train of his robes filled the Temple.  Angel-seraphs hovered above him, each with six wings.  With two wings they covered their faces, with two their feet, and with two they flew.  And they called back and forth one to the other,
       'Holy, Holy, Holy is the God-of-the-Angel-Armies.
       His bright glory fills the whole earth.'


The foundations trembled at the sound of the angel voices, and then the whole house filled with smoke. I said,
      'Doom! It's Doomsday!
      I'm good as dead!
      Every word I've ever spoken is tainted --
        blasphemous even!
      And the people I live with talk the same way,
       using words that corrupt and desecrate.
      And here I've looked God in the face!
      The King!  God-of-the-Angel Armies!'


Then one of the angel-seraphs flew to me.  He held a live coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar.  He touched my mouth with the coal and said,
      'Look. This coal has touched your lips.
        Gone your guilt,
        your sins wiped out.'
      And then I heard the voice of the Master:
        'Whom shall I send?
         Who will go for us?'
      I spoke up,
       'I'll go.
        Send me!'"


[The commission of Isaiah the prophet as recorded in Isaiah 6:1-8]


*Update*  Abbey sent me an email last night:
"All I wanna say, is that on the last airplane ride home tonight I couldn't be more uncomfortable. Seat 31 right over the dumb engines.  I finally put on my 'praise' set lit on my iPod and the song "I Will Go" by the Desperation Band drew my attention, and the whole time I kept thinking of you and didn't know why.  Like I wanted to text you and tell you to download the song, but I couldn't cuz I was on an airplane. ;P So at the end of the song he quotes that entire scripture.  So when I read it just now on your blog it was one of those 'in alignment with the Holy Spirit' moments."

God is awesome. :)

walking on water

I wish you could come sit down next to me and experience the absolute peace flooding into my bedroom right now. It's a crisp, cool late morning, the sun is shining but not abrasive, and the birds are singing sweetly. Louie Giglio is talking to me from Kurt's computer, and I'm overwhelmed by the tangible presence of God right here and now. I know that He's always here... He promised that He would be (Joshua 1:5), but sometimes I can't FEEL Him.

I'm learning that the walk of a disciple of Christ is not all about "feeling". Yet, emotions were given us by God when we were created in His image. People talk to me all the time about "hearing from God", "hearing the voice of God", feeling "led" to do this or that.  And I've experienced that. I have.  A sense in my Spirit or an idea that I know did NOT come from me, because it's either so far OUT there or so brilliant that I wouldn't take credit for it if someone asked. Sometimes, though, the things in life - chaos, circumstances, desires, doubt, fear, surprises, pain, business, exhaustion - can push me under water where the voice of God is muffled and distorted.

You know what things sound like under water?   In my Red-Cross swimming lessons, I once had to do the "dead man's float" for 5 full minutes. (I could breathe when I had to, but had to go right back to floating)  In the water, everything is quiet save a distant seeming splash or a garbled series of tones.  It's isolating - which, for me, was part of the appeal of swimming as a kid.  But before long, the strain of staying afloat, the lack of plentiful oxygen, and the blocking out of sensory input is wearing.

See, we were not created to live in the water. If we had to, we could survive. We've invented things like oxygen masks, flotation devices, and wet suits to help with life in the water. There are even these cool "coms" inside of scuba rigs that let divers talk to each other.
But ultimately, man was created for dry land.

It's not a perfect analogy (what is?), but I think sometimes we're diving and we don't realize it. Or we're floating, or we're sinking. I've been all three.  And there's nothing wrong with it. I don't think we're going to be relaxing on the beach until we leave Earth as it is now.
But when I'm submerged in water, I can't hear God clearly. And sometimes, when I'm drowning, all I can do is push my hand up out of the water and wave it back and forth praying for God to grab ahold of it.
And you know what? He does. Every time.

Sometimes He just holds my hand and keeps me from drowning, but he doesn't pull me up too far. It can feel like an eternity of nothing but the vague sensation of a hand holding mine. There are so many other sensations happening that paying full attention to my one hand is impossible.
And then there are times when God tugs a little bit and I realize that He's there. I quit struggling and still my soul and let Him lead. And on days like today, I get the sense that He's pulled my head above the water.
I drink in the fresh, oxygen-rich air and look my Savior in the face, and I can hear His voice without the interference of the oceanic tide.

Ooh. I didn't plan on this analogy, but it's working! lol
Christ is a steady place to cling to. And He gives us the power to not only survive in the water, but thrive.  Life is unpredictable, and we won't always have the sensation of resting against the buoy and drinking in the sunlight and the face of God. But I do believe that He intends for us to seek Him and carve out spaces in our lives where we can stop struggling against the tide and let Him pull us up.

So that's my journey as a disciple. He's so present. And today, I get to FEEL Him and His love.

Psalm 61:1-5 (The Message)


"God, listen to me shout, 
bend an ear to my prayer.
When I'm far from anywhere,
down to my last gasp,
I call out, "Guide me
up High Rock Mountain!"


You've always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You've always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know 
and love you."

the nature of obdience

Abbey and I had an awesome conversation today about the nature of obedience, so I've asked her to contribute to the blog! Thought you all might enjoy a different perspective for a change. Enjoy!

 "Over the last two years, I've had a pretty major revelation that has shifted my entire relationship with Jesus. I've always had a personal relationship with Christ, felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and understood Biblical Truth, but I still stumbled and fell and didn't know why. I saw people all of the time that I knew were solid Christians and believed the same things I did, but they kept doing wrong and making choices that hurt them. I couldn't figure out why my foundational beliefs didn't stick. I used to have a list of 'I will never...', but when it came down to it, it didn't hold up. I knew better. I knew how wrong it was. Why did I backslide? Why couldn't I hold on to what I believed?


  So today Emily and I were having this awesome conversation that ended in this huge revelation, which happens a lot. We were talking about how a strength in our relationship is that we are able to bring issues to each others' attention and be honest with one another without the fear of offending the other person. Emily was talking about how her stomach hurt (again), and I said, "Maybe it's because you're lactose intolerant. Maybe you shouldn't be drinking milk." 
  It got us talking about how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who will not allow you to hold them accountable. Emily just takes the suggestions I give her and assimilates them into the way she looks at things. And I do the same. She doesn't go off into this defensive, victim-mentality place where she justifies why she has to drink milk, all the reasons that giving up milk would be impossible, and how unfair it is that she can't have it. And she doesn't swing to the other side where we're sitting in a restaurant and the waitress comes up and asks her if she wants a milkshake for desert, and she says no because she doesn't want to make me mad. It's not co-dependent in the way that she's choosing to abstain from milk because she's afraid of how I'll judge her. She handles my input like an adult because we're friends. We have a fairly healthy relationship, and she knows that I don't want her to be sick. So she is able to take that and make her own decisions based on what she knows will be ultimately best for her. And if she choses to drink milk and be sick, she's ready to deal with the consequences. 
  
  I realized that on a grander scale, that's what shifted in my relationship with God. I began to pursue His heart and started to ask Him where I fit in the story. Who am I to him - me personally, Abbey. In a healthy, functional relationship vs. a dysfunctional relationship, you care about that person and you know they care about you. So when they bring something to your attention it's not from a place of guilting and lording over you, it's from a place of genuine care for your well-being. As I got closer to God's heart, I started to understand His motivations for the guidelines He has placed in my life. I had never had a revelation of God's heart for me, so my convictions didn't stand up. They were based out of a 'not wanting to make God mad... mostly'.  And it went both ways. As I saw that God's law and the way that He operates are out of place of wanting what is best for my personal well-being - that it is good intentioned, like a great friend - I began to obey out of a motivation of not wanting to hurt His heart. Because I kind of dig Him. And He has shown me so much Grace over and over, even when I've made mistakes, even when I've taken my own road. He's not asking me to prove anything, it's all about true, unconditional love. And that's a solid motivation for doing the right thing. My convictions are unshakeable because I understand how He works. The 'why' behind everything.


  So Emily thought that was cool and asked me to write about the differences between the unsteady 'Bible-school-answer' convictions I had before and the rock solid things that motivate my life now. What was missing was understanding God's heart. You can have rules and regulations, truth and even Holy Spirit conviction, but if you don't understand God's heart and who He is, then it won't hold up under pressure.


-abbEy out"

the day after the day after that

I wanted to post one more blog before I leave town. There's a good chance we'll have internet at Kurt's grandparents' house, but I'm not positive. Hopefully I'll get to write... I've been missing it so much.

Mentioned in my last post that I've been sick. Really sick - in bed wiped out bacterial infection - sick. It wasn't until today, four days into antibiotics and finally feeling more myself, that I realized how unwell I've truly been.  It's hard to have perspective in the moment, but it's like that hum you don't notice until it stops. The sudden "silence" and ability to think in contrast to how I've been the last almost month is startling!
Anyway, I digress.

I sort of feel like I've been spit out by a whale. There's a verse that talks about God's mercies being new every morning. A fresh start, a clean slate every day. I wasn't sure of the reference, so I went to my "The Strongest NIV Exhaustive Concordance" by Goodrick and Kohlenberger III (sounds impressive, huh? LOL)  and there is a full three columned page on "morning, morning's and mornings".  In the Bible there is so much reference to dawn and morning and birth and re-birth. God is a HUGE fan of "new".

I drop back in awe.

It's difficult to verbalize the amazing, cleansing freedom of a life in Christ. I never knew. I think everyone knows the agony of regret. Big or small... life-changing or just a wrong turn in the middle of a day, there is a tearing inside that is almost unmatched in human suffering when it comes to regret.
I've talked to several God-given guides in my life about this lately, but it is becoming more and more apparent to me that I have lived under a constant umbrella of guilt and regret. That hum. It's exhausting and life-stealing. And though God's walked me through a TON of the "why" and "what" of it, there is work yet to be done in that area.  It's a dark, evil place - regret. Because there is NOTHING I can do about something already said and done. I make amends, take responsibility, and ask forgiveness, but then what?

Joyce Meyer says this, "God will tell you what you are about to do wrong so you can change your mind before you make a mistake. Satan waits until it's too late, when you can no longer do anything about it, and then tries to bring regret and ultimate condemnation upon you." (Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You Are Going)
Yep.

God's economy can be summed up in one word: "Morning"
Daybreak. It's almost like taking a really deep breath of cool, clean air. A sigh of relief followed by a rush of joy and gratitude that brings me to tears. Oh, God, you are so good.

Lamentations 3:19-24
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (emphasis mine)

How amazing that every 24 (ish) hours we get a sun-up reminder of God's unrelenting, merciful love?
There's no regret in God's economy. Consequences, sometimes, but NEVER regret. Just love... love love love love love.
It's a life-saving truth. Holy Spirit, burn this on the inside of me. Let me never forget how good God is.
Selah.

my scars or his?

I was looking at my arms this morning. They carry the scars of the times I tried to "do it myself". I thought about posting a picture, but I remember the gridlock of my battle with the addiction of self-injury, and I do not want to cause anyone to struggle.
Every time I look at them, though, I remember the failed attempts to control, manipulate, and survive this gift of life. Everyone carries scars from the times in their lives that they tried to handle things their own way instead of His way. I don't know that I'd go so far as to call it a "privilege" to carry my scars on my physical body, but it sure is easy to notice. Although, it wouldn't take much soul-searching to find the "hidden" scars as well.

This morning, I woke up to an amazing string of text messages from a friend of mine. They spoke life, authority, support, and encouragements into my circumstances. The thing is, I know that those words didn't just come from her. I know she would agree that they came from the heart of my Father God. One of her last statements was, "you are surely on the heart of God today!"

My husband was getting ready to go out of town for the weekend to help lead worship for our church's youth group retreat. Meanwhile, he's telling me about our son, Alex, who woke up at 5:30 this morning with a very high fever. At the same time, we're getting Isaac off to school and trying to arrange rides for my daughter, Annabelle, to go with her best friend to swimming lessons. It was a whirlwind from just before 8am until just before 10am.  But as the dust settles, and I'm alone in the house with my sleeping son, I am brought to my knees by the simple statement, "you are surely on the heart of God today!"

What? Who am I? I'm one of billions... just trying to live out my life with a heart postured toward Christ. But He reached out to me through this dear friend, knowing that I needed to hear from Him now more than ever. And it's not just her... God speaks to me through so many people all of the time. I just have to be attuned to the tone of His voice.

Oh God, I don't want to do this by myself. I'm responding to your invitation to stand strong in the waterfall of your Grace. Take the lead. I surrender to your magnificence. You have the power to make the sick well, to raise the dead, to forgive sins, and to move the hearts of kings, nations, and mountains. I am nothing without you. I don't want any more scars. I want to do it your way - completely. Lead on, Holy Spirit. I will follow you.


"Remember how you were when you didn't know God, led from one phony god to another, never knowing what you were doing, just doing it because everybody else did it? It's different in this life.  God wants us to use our intelligence, to seek to understand as well as we can.  For instance, by using your heads, you know perfectly well that the Spirit of God would never prompt anyone to say "Jesus be damned!" Nor would anyone be inclined to say "Jesus is Master!" without the insight of the Holy Spirit."  - 1 Corinthians 12: 2-3 (The Message)

"Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them -- living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life...  This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life.  It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children." - Romans 8:5-7, 15-16 (The Message)

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out." - Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

handy man

It’s hard to have a “savior” unless we recognize our need to be saved. It’s hard to be grateful for a rescuer if we don’t feel the need to be rescued.  I don’t know if it was my pride or my stupidity that made me blind to my true condition. Maybe it was utter hopelessness or having been let down so many times in life... I had no real faith that God or anyone would ever come to my side and help me. But somewhere along the line I stopped looking for a redeemer. I stopped praying for a savior and tried to save myself. And when that failed, I tried to end myself. 

Life is not all bad, all the time. I know many, many people that are perfectly happy - seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are dead or dying spiritually.  Maybe, like me, they have a sense somewhere deep inside that there “has to be more to life”.  Maybe, like me, they’ve given up hope and decided to be content with the emptiness. Or maybe, like me, they’ve come to despise the emptiness, and after a string of vain attempt to fill the hole, they come to despise their very existence. 

Whatever level of awareness, whatever level of “drama”, I think we have to come to a place in life sooner or later where we realize that we are absolutely without hope in this life without God.  

I had a relationship with Jesus from the time I was a little girl. I went to church, read my Bible, and said my bedtime prayers. And because I had accepted Christ, I had a free ticket to heaven. But it wasn’t until I found myself face down, pinned to the floor with absolutely NO way out that I met my true Savior. Coming into the truth of my real condition brought me into an awe, appreciation, and love of my God that I had never before experienced. 

People ask me sometimes how I got to a point of intimacy with God. It’s definitely not because I’m "awesome" and I’ve done this or that to “get close”.  It’s simply that I was reduced to a place where I stared into the blackness of life without Him, and I chose to beg God to meet me. I stayed still and listened, I learned to trust (HUGE), and I LET Him rescue me. He longs for us. He hurts for us. He did all of the work. I just cried out, and He heard me.

David the psalmist king, was amazing at crying out, and I believe it’s one of the reasons he was considered “beloved of God”. 

Psalm 31 is a token passage for me.

“In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; 

let me never be put to shame; 

deliver me in your righteousness. 

Turn your ear to me,

come quickly to my rescue;

be my rock of refuge,

a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress,

for the sake of your name lead and

guide me.

Free me from the trap that is set fore me,

for you are my refuge.

Into your hands I commit my spirit;

redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.

It’s interesting to me that Christ used these exact words on the cross. An act of complete, obedient surrender... “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit...” (Luke 23:46)

God, let me be so completely yours that I can confidently release control and say the words of your beloved... “Father, I place my life in your hands!”

He hears!

I think sometimes I don't pray because I'm not sure what to say. Things get so jumbled up in my mind, my emotions are all over the place, and the words will not come out. I'm more comfortable curling up in a ball and trying to "sleep it off" than calling out to God. But it is SO profound to me how much God hears!

Genesis records the murder of Abel by his brother, Cain. In essence, Cain was jealous of Abel's relationship with God, and he let it fester into a murderous rage. He lured Abel into a field and killed him. Genesis 4:10 records God's response: "The Lord said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground."
That's intense.
There are many, many references to God's alertness to our condition.  Exodus 3:7 says "God said, "I've taken a good, long look at the affliction of my people in Egypt. I've heard their cries for deliverance from their slave masters; I know all about their pain."  Then He sent Moses to "let His people go..."

One of my personal favorites is in Romans 8:12: "God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know what or how to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans." (The Message)

My heart goes out to the Haitian people. They might not know what to pray or whom to pray to, but there is so much Biblical evidence to prove that God hears them. The blood of the innocent cries from the ground. And I know His heart. In a time where there are SO many questions about the character of God in the face of this tragedy, I know that His heart breaks. He sees their pain, hears their cries, and intervenes in many ways that aren't immediately evident to us.

And as for us, this subject is so close to my heart. Because, when I don't know how to pray - I've been in situations where all I could do is moan - I know that God's heart is postured toward me. I am significant to Him. You are significant to Him. You don't have to be a priest or Bible scholar to be heard by God. He sees you, and He promises that you'll never be alone.
Selah