Grace at Mercy

Me and Nancy Alcorn, Christmas 2009

This past week, I was given the amazing opportunity to go to Nashville, TN to work with Nancy Alcorn on an upcoming project. It was an honor to be asked and a definite answer to prayer! Mercy Ministries' corporate headquarters is right across the street from Mercy's Nashville home, so another graduate and I got the chance to go over to the house and speak with the current residents of that home.

It was absolutely mind blowing to be on this side of the podium. I was looking into the faces of girls who had come to the end of themselves and were struggling to regain footing in their lives - knowing that not 2 years ago, I was in their place, looking up at a guest speaker during our mandatory morning class, wondering if they had anything to offer the pain that consumed my heart. It was a humbling experience, to say the least, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that without the miraculous hand of God in my life, I would not be alive, let alone living a life of freedom. We both shared our testimonies and then opened it up for a Q & A. Kind of like a sorority, there are some things only a Mercy Girl would understand, and it was really fun to be able to candidly offer suggestions and reassurance on an inside level.  I know that this project is going to turn into something great, but if the entire trip were only to speak to those girls, it would have been worth it a thousand times over.

The girls asked some amazingly insightful questions, and the Spirit spoke through both of us - sometimes a little more bluntly than I would have answered on my own! But one of the questions really got me thinking:
"What is one thing you would do differently if you could go back and go through Mercy again?" 

The other graduate and I answered in a couple of different ways, but even after I was on the airplane, this was on my heart.... I would have stopped working SO dang hard to heal myself and surrendered much sooner. Part of the program at Mercy is weekly assignments to read certain books and listen to teaching CDs. My counselor would select and assign materials based on where I was in my healing journey. I read everything from Battlefield of the Mind to Ruthless Trust to The Practice of the Presence of God, and I listened to more hours of teachings and sermons than I could even begin to count.

Probably through the first 3 months or so of my stay, I thought that if I worked hard enough, read fast enough, listened carefully enough and wrote eloquently enough, I could earn my healing. I wanted to prove to God that I was serious so that maybe He'd notice and throw a little sanity my way. Consequently, I was distracted, stressed, and exhausted most of the time. Mercy life can be pretty fast-paced, and while there is set aside time to work on "homework", they kept us pretty busy with other things. It wasn't until about my fourth month in St. Louis that I finally started to get a grip on the concept of Grace. Grace changed everything. 

"Mercy" and "Grace" are used pretty interchangeably in the Bible, so most people think the two words mean the same thing. Both are gifts from God and both are undeserved, but here's the difference:

Mercy is God's undeserved favor. God shows us mercy when we don't get what we deserve and when we get what we don't deserve. For example, I did something wrong, but because of God's mercy, I did not have to pay the consequence. I did not earn this, but because of God's mercy, He gave it to me anyway.

Grace is God's power working in us to do what we could never do by ourselves. God gives us grace - His power in our lives - to do good works. Our human nature is weak and prone to evil, but by God's grace, we are able to live righteously and do good work for Him. God's grace - His power in our lives - is also what changes and transforms our souls into the likeness of Christ.

See the difference? They're used interchangeably because there is nothing we did to deserve Grace. Grace is an act of Mercy.

I say all of that to say this:
No matter how hard I tried, I could not heal myself. No matter how much information I put into my brain, it was only by the GRACE of God - His power in my life - that my soul was transformed and renewed. All I had to do was surrender to His work. Understand, God does not force - He invites. God does not push - He draws. God's amazing grace cannot work in my life until I allow it to. And a lot of times, that means getting out of the way.
It may not have changed a lot about what I was doing, but it sure would have changed what I was experiencing. I could have read those books with the faith and knowledge that God was going to use them according to His will. I could have enjoyed myself a little more, knowing that the pressure of transformation wasn't on me, it was up to Him.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8)

I used to read that, "For it is by God's undeserved favor you have been saved..." Which is nice! And true! And reiterated by the statement, "and this not from yourselves". Of course God's favor is not from myself....
But look at this... "For it is by God's power working in you that you have been saved... And this power is not from yourselves...(you can't save yourself)... it is the gift of God."

Grace doesn't mean we lie down and quit doing. It's a quiet surrender of the Spirit that yields to faith and trust. Push the seed deep into the brown-black soil and walk away. Don't wake in the middle of the night frantic that maybe you didn't do enough to make it sprout. Let God do His thing with that seed. It will sprout in His way in His time while you surrender your worry and striving to Him. In fact, if you get in there every three hours and dig the seed up to see if it's doing anything, it'll likely never sprout. Get out of the way and let God's miracle of Grace do its thing. It's all a part of receiving.

Happy "New"!

It's my first post of 2011! To be honest, I've been doing a whole lot more reading then writing. It's been great to hear about everyone's thoughts about the New Year, resolutions and goals, dreams, hopes, and reflections. It's been so inspiring and encouraging that it's kind of left me at a loss for my own words.

When I was hopeless and jaded, the New Year was nothing but a turn of the calendar toward another string of empty days. I didn't count down with excitement. I thought I knew what was coming.
My paradigm has shifted a lot since finding hope again, but the idea of a man-made calendar writing so many choices for people still bumps me a little bit. I suppose there is still this part of me with a foreshortened sense of the future - an urgency for the immediate - that begs a resolution every day, not once a year. Life's unpredictability makes it necessary for us to live each day to the fullest, not coasting on toward the next major milestone where we'll start over again.

On the other hand, I'm touched by God's heart toward mornings and beginnings. My God is a God of the new. God brings about the sunrise after the darkest of nights. The colors are among the most vivid and awe-inspiring in all of creation. It's as though it's His way of displaying the full splendor of His new day. The rainbow after a storm - colorful and vibrant. (It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!)
I love to see the things that make my kids' mouths drop open in wonder. Most of them are things that are new and surprising and beautiful. Their faces reflect the Father's heart. My God loves new things.
And while He makes no guarantee of my tomorrow, He does promise that a New Year will dawn as long as the Earth remains.

"For as long as Earth lasts,
planting and harvest, cold and heat,
Summer and winter, day and night
will never stop."
(Genesis 8:22, The Message)

So I thank God for another year and for the opportunity to experience a New Year. I'm in awe that there is still breath in my lungs... I honestly never expected to live to be 30 years old. I'm so aware that each day is on loan to me, and while I don't always act it, I understand what a huge responsibility that is.

While I'm not at all a fan of resolutions, I do resolve to live each day on purpose. Gone are the days of being chased along life's current in a sleepy stupor. Last year I got to test out my new legs. I'm almost ready to run.

I also have some goals for this year - physical, emotional, spiritual:

I want to hear God's voice for my family - whether or not we home-school, whether or not God wants to add to our family, etc - and see His plan come to pass this year.
I'd like to get 300 pages down on a book by year's end. Considering I still have no concrete ideas for this book, this will be a miracle.
I'd like to add fasting to my spiritual practices.
I have a goal to read through the entire Bible this year, cover to cover.
I'd like to meet some physical health goals, including improving my flexibility and participating in a few races/runs.
I want to knit a pair of socks.

I'm writing these and other goals down in the front of my Bible, so that at years' end, I can see where God has taken me and what He's helped me accomplish. I'm interested in what others' goals are, so if you'd like to post a link to your blog entry or jot a few down in the "comments" section, that'd be fun. I'm excited to see where 2011 will take us, and I'm filled with peace knowing that no matter what victories or trials we encounter this year, God is truly in control working His greater good in to every situation.

Love, love, love
Emily

50th Post!!

It's my 50th post! Which is an appropriate landmark, because I've had kind of a landmark day!

I've been so busy writing for school, that I haven't had much thought or energy for what to write on my blog! As I was in my quiet time today, I was praying about what the topic for this week should be. Nothing really jumped out at me. I've been hammering out several hundred words per day in essays, debate postings, and discussions, so the creative well has been a little bit dry. At the same time, I always feel like I'm neglecting to share all that God is doing when I don't make time to blog. So I keep my heart continually open for what God would have me write.

It has been a goal of mine, ever since coming back from St. Louis, to get rid of some of the negative artifacts of my past life. In talking to a friend who also grew up as a military kid, I realize that I hold onto keep sakes with real tenacity. There were so many times in moving around that I was asked to say goodbye to someone I would never see again. I have a couple of friends from the first fifteen years of my life, but most of the people, places, and things that I treasured from that time are gone. I've also lost quite a bit of memory to the PTSD fog that surrounds the chronic trauma I experienced. In that, journals, knickknacks, jewelry, pictures, and other things become overly important. I become fearful that if I don't hold onto that scrap of paper, the memory of that time will be lost forever. Abbey put it really well when she said, "I just know that my memories don't do it justice". I feel that I need something tangible to hold on to.

There are certain things, however, that are better left in the past. I have written in journals diligently from 1998 to now. Some of those years, particularly between 2006-2009, hold very dark moments of total despair. I wrote things, drew things, and recorded experiences from that time that still hold leverage over me, and God has brought me to a place where I'm ready to let those things go. Not all of it, but certain entries that are the very opposite of life-giving. Hear me: I'm not saying that it's wrong for anyone to keep things that remind them of tough times in life. But for me, at this point, I felt the Lord saying, "It's time to move on".  I have such strong negative associations to certain things that I wrote and drew - things God has already brought me through and out of - that to go back there would just be rehashing things He has already laid to rest.

It's different for everyone. Sometimes, in letting go of a past relationship, we have to get rid of clothing or pictures that remind us of that person. Sometimes, it's getting rid of music or movies that take us to a dangerous place. For me, it was getting rid of certain pieces of jewelry, certain images, and certain journal entries.  I made sure that I was not alone, and I was prayerfully supported. I put on some worship music and started in my sketchbooks, tearing out anything I felt "check" in my spirit.
It was pretty obvious.

Once it was all said and done, I had a small box full of papers I never needed to see again. I wanted to burn them and get rid of them, but living within city limits doesn't allow for back yard bonfires. Somehow, though, I needed those papers destroyed. So the Holy Spirit prompted me to soak them in the tub. As I immersed those records in the water, I watched the ink slide off the page and one of my entire journals just slide out of its binding. I felt like that particular aspect of my past was literally being washed away.

Still not really knowing what to think or feel, I heard the Lord speak to me the phrase, "letting go of the former things..."  I looked up the reference in my concordance, and I found this in the Message Version of my Bible.

"You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything - and I do mean everything - connected with that old way of life has to go.  It's rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life - a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you."  Ephesians 4:20-24 (The Message)

Thank You, God, that you have given me an entirely new way of life, and that You've given me the grace to get ride of the old things. It's been quite a journey, and I know You're not finished with me yet.
I am so excited for what is to come. I know You have great and wonderful plans in store for those of us who call ourselves Yours.

musings

So many times I wonder what it must be like to work in a pharmacy. To see people pass by all day long with conditions no one would probably ever recognize, yet I, the pharmacist know the prescriptions behind the labels. I, the pharmacist, know something about these people that they probably keep hidden from millions around them. The writer in me creates character sketches everywhere that I go. It's a habit.  I see a person, and before I realize it, I'm formulating some sort of story about who they are, where they've come from, and where they're going. It's mostly objective. 99% of the time, there is no judgment attached to these observations, just an assembly of facts and a few conclusions based on evidence.

I like to watch what people buy. I'll look at the conveyor belt for the person in front of me and notice diapers, frozen dinners, kitty litter, a sketch pad, and a pack of gum.  Then, I notice the youngish looking woman with no ring on her left hand and an infant on her hip. My mind postulates a scenario about her life. I'm not judging her, just... observing.
Sometimes, when I catch myself doing this, I start to look at myself from the outside in the same manner.

I see a woman with eyeliner pushed up under her eyes, pony tail, t-shirt, and jeans. She's got a pre-school-aged daughter on one hip. The little girl's hair is combed, but one of her to pig tails is falling out. She's got a young boy with her as well. He looks like he just got out of bed. There's a halo of fuzz on the back of his head, and he's wearing an oversized "Hickory Hill" t-shirt, sweatpants, and untied shoes. The little girl is reaching down toward the floor, and the mother is struggling to hold her on her hip while digging through her oversized purse looking for her prescription orders. She haphazardly sets the four-year-old down while looking up apologetically at the pharmacist. The four-year-old darts into a hidden aisle with her brother while the mom heaves a sigh, blows the bangs out of her eyes, and begins to unload the oversized purse onto the counter.
Finally, the woman produces the prize. One prescription for "Strattera", a well-known ADHD medication bearing the name of her seven year old son, one prescription for an anti-depressant with her name on it, and a refill order for an anti-anxiety medication, also for the woman. She slides them across the counter to the overly patient pharmacist and absently shovels the mess back into her purse while calling out the name of her two children. The younger comes sliding out of one of the aisles on her belly.
    
     "Date of Birth?" the pharmacist asks.
     "Mine?" the woman answers, bewildered.  Turning to her daughter, she asks the whereabouts of her son.  Her daughter shrugs and runs back into another aisle.
     "Yes," the pharmacist affirms.
     "Oh," the woman responds, and gives the appropriate answer with her face turned to the side of the window.
      "ZAC!" the woman calls.
    
     "What time do you want these picked up?"
     "I don't care", the woman answers with a half-smile. She manages to snag the four year old by the arm as she runs by and heaves her onto her hip. The daughter protests loudly.
      "I'll put it in for 2:45," the pharmacist decides aloud.
      "Great. Thanks," the woman answers and then disappears in search of her son.

The pharmacist looks over the prescriptions again. ADHD medicine, anti-depressant, anti-anxiety. Makes sense.

Hahahaha

How is she supposed to know that Jesus is living and reigning strong in my life? :) I know that I WAY over-think things like this. The pharmacist probably just does her job with very little regard for the details. But as I was leaving the store, I thought, "How is anyone to know that I'm living the life of a victorious Christian?"

God spoke to my heart, then. 
The truth of the matter is that the Spirit of Christ spills out of me in a way that is supernatural. It's nothing I DO, it's a byproduct of Him in me. Regardless the circumstances.

The other truth is that I am living my life for an audience of ONE. And while it may seem that "all the world's a stage", ultimately, it is the Lord who looks upon the heart of man.  He sees a woman after His own heart, who loves Him dearly and is living out each day to the best of her ability to honor Him and serve the Kingdom.

2 Corinthians 4:6-12,  and 16-18 (The Message)

"It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.  If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness.  We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.  
As it is, there's not much chance of that.  You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at.  We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know what God wants to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken...

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace... There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow.  But the things we can't see now will last forever."
(emphasis mine)

Wow, God. I come as I am and ask you to use me in my humanity to change the world for you.
I'm willing. Send me.  Thanks for Grace. It's all I have, and all I'll ever need.



I got this in the mail today anonymously. So if you sent it, Thank You. It really blessed me. :)

"My Precious Child,
My all-seeing lamp searches out your very spirit and your inmost being.  I know the real you that you sometimes try to hide.
I perceive your thoughts and even know what you are going to say before you say it.
If only you realized how precious you are to me! I'm continuously thinking good thoughts of you --
thoughts that outnumber all the grains of sand in the entire world.
Thinking fondly of you,
You Creator"
-Proverbs 20:27, Psalm 139


(Author Unknown to me)

walking on water

I wish you could come sit down next to me and experience the absolute peace flooding into my bedroom right now. It's a crisp, cool late morning, the sun is shining but not abrasive, and the birds are singing sweetly. Louie Giglio is talking to me from Kurt's computer, and I'm overwhelmed by the tangible presence of God right here and now. I know that He's always here... He promised that He would be (Joshua 1:5), but sometimes I can't FEEL Him.

I'm learning that the walk of a disciple of Christ is not all about "feeling". Yet, emotions were given us by God when we were created in His image. People talk to me all the time about "hearing from God", "hearing the voice of God", feeling "led" to do this or that.  And I've experienced that. I have.  A sense in my Spirit or an idea that I know did NOT come from me, because it's either so far OUT there or so brilliant that I wouldn't take credit for it if someone asked. Sometimes, though, the things in life - chaos, circumstances, desires, doubt, fear, surprises, pain, business, exhaustion - can push me under water where the voice of God is muffled and distorted.

You know what things sound like under water?   In my Red-Cross swimming lessons, I once had to do the "dead man's float" for 5 full minutes. (I could breathe when I had to, but had to go right back to floating)  In the water, everything is quiet save a distant seeming splash or a garbled series of tones.  It's isolating - which, for me, was part of the appeal of swimming as a kid.  But before long, the strain of staying afloat, the lack of plentiful oxygen, and the blocking out of sensory input is wearing.

See, we were not created to live in the water. If we had to, we could survive. We've invented things like oxygen masks, flotation devices, and wet suits to help with life in the water. There are even these cool "coms" inside of scuba rigs that let divers talk to each other.
But ultimately, man was created for dry land.

It's not a perfect analogy (what is?), but I think sometimes we're diving and we don't realize it. Or we're floating, or we're sinking. I've been all three.  And there's nothing wrong with it. I don't think we're going to be relaxing on the beach until we leave Earth as it is now.
But when I'm submerged in water, I can't hear God clearly. And sometimes, when I'm drowning, all I can do is push my hand up out of the water and wave it back and forth praying for God to grab ahold of it.
And you know what? He does. Every time.

Sometimes He just holds my hand and keeps me from drowning, but he doesn't pull me up too far. It can feel like an eternity of nothing but the vague sensation of a hand holding mine. There are so many other sensations happening that paying full attention to my one hand is impossible.
And then there are times when God tugs a little bit and I realize that He's there. I quit struggling and still my soul and let Him lead. And on days like today, I get the sense that He's pulled my head above the water.
I drink in the fresh, oxygen-rich air and look my Savior in the face, and I can hear His voice without the interference of the oceanic tide.

Ooh. I didn't plan on this analogy, but it's working! lol
Christ is a steady place to cling to. And He gives us the power to not only survive in the water, but thrive.  Life is unpredictable, and we won't always have the sensation of resting against the buoy and drinking in the sunlight and the face of God. But I do believe that He intends for us to seek Him and carve out spaces in our lives where we can stop struggling against the tide and let Him pull us up.

So that's my journey as a disciple. He's so present. And today, I get to FEEL Him and His love.

Psalm 61:1-5 (The Message)


"God, listen to me shout, 
bend an ear to my prayer.
When I'm far from anywhere,
down to my last gasp,
I call out, "Guide me
up High Rock Mountain!"


You've always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You've always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know 
and love you."

the nature of obdience

Abbey and I had an awesome conversation today about the nature of obedience, so I've asked her to contribute to the blog! Thought you all might enjoy a different perspective for a change. Enjoy!

 "Over the last two years, I've had a pretty major revelation that has shifted my entire relationship with Jesus. I've always had a personal relationship with Christ, felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and understood Biblical Truth, but I still stumbled and fell and didn't know why. I saw people all of the time that I knew were solid Christians and believed the same things I did, but they kept doing wrong and making choices that hurt them. I couldn't figure out why my foundational beliefs didn't stick. I used to have a list of 'I will never...', but when it came down to it, it didn't hold up. I knew better. I knew how wrong it was. Why did I backslide? Why couldn't I hold on to what I believed?


  So today Emily and I were having this awesome conversation that ended in this huge revelation, which happens a lot. We were talking about how a strength in our relationship is that we are able to bring issues to each others' attention and be honest with one another without the fear of offending the other person. Emily was talking about how her stomach hurt (again), and I said, "Maybe it's because you're lactose intolerant. Maybe you shouldn't be drinking milk." 
  It got us talking about how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who will not allow you to hold them accountable. Emily just takes the suggestions I give her and assimilates them into the way she looks at things. And I do the same. She doesn't go off into this defensive, victim-mentality place where she justifies why she has to drink milk, all the reasons that giving up milk would be impossible, and how unfair it is that she can't have it. And she doesn't swing to the other side where we're sitting in a restaurant and the waitress comes up and asks her if she wants a milkshake for desert, and she says no because she doesn't want to make me mad. It's not co-dependent in the way that she's choosing to abstain from milk because she's afraid of how I'll judge her. She handles my input like an adult because we're friends. We have a fairly healthy relationship, and she knows that I don't want her to be sick. So she is able to take that and make her own decisions based on what she knows will be ultimately best for her. And if she choses to drink milk and be sick, she's ready to deal with the consequences. 
  
  I realized that on a grander scale, that's what shifted in my relationship with God. I began to pursue His heart and started to ask Him where I fit in the story. Who am I to him - me personally, Abbey. In a healthy, functional relationship vs. a dysfunctional relationship, you care about that person and you know they care about you. So when they bring something to your attention it's not from a place of guilting and lording over you, it's from a place of genuine care for your well-being. As I got closer to God's heart, I started to understand His motivations for the guidelines He has placed in my life. I had never had a revelation of God's heart for me, so my convictions didn't stand up. They were based out of a 'not wanting to make God mad... mostly'.  And it went both ways. As I saw that God's law and the way that He operates are out of place of wanting what is best for my personal well-being - that it is good intentioned, like a great friend - I began to obey out of a motivation of not wanting to hurt His heart. Because I kind of dig Him. And He has shown me so much Grace over and over, even when I've made mistakes, even when I've taken my own road. He's not asking me to prove anything, it's all about true, unconditional love. And that's a solid motivation for doing the right thing. My convictions are unshakeable because I understand how He works. The 'why' behind everything.


  So Emily thought that was cool and asked me to write about the differences between the unsteady 'Bible-school-answer' convictions I had before and the rock solid things that motivate my life now. What was missing was understanding God's heart. You can have rules and regulations, truth and even Holy Spirit conviction, but if you don't understand God's heart and who He is, then it won't hold up under pressure.


-abbEy out"

the day after the day after that

I wanted to post one more blog before I leave town. There's a good chance we'll have internet at Kurt's grandparents' house, but I'm not positive. Hopefully I'll get to write... I've been missing it so much.

Mentioned in my last post that I've been sick. Really sick - in bed wiped out bacterial infection - sick. It wasn't until today, four days into antibiotics and finally feeling more myself, that I realized how unwell I've truly been.  It's hard to have perspective in the moment, but it's like that hum you don't notice until it stops. The sudden "silence" and ability to think in contrast to how I've been the last almost month is startling!
Anyway, I digress.

I sort of feel like I've been spit out by a whale. There's a verse that talks about God's mercies being new every morning. A fresh start, a clean slate every day. I wasn't sure of the reference, so I went to my "The Strongest NIV Exhaustive Concordance" by Goodrick and Kohlenberger III (sounds impressive, huh? LOL)  and there is a full three columned page on "morning, morning's and mornings".  In the Bible there is so much reference to dawn and morning and birth and re-birth. God is a HUGE fan of "new".

I drop back in awe.

It's difficult to verbalize the amazing, cleansing freedom of a life in Christ. I never knew. I think everyone knows the agony of regret. Big or small... life-changing or just a wrong turn in the middle of a day, there is a tearing inside that is almost unmatched in human suffering when it comes to regret.
I've talked to several God-given guides in my life about this lately, but it is becoming more and more apparent to me that I have lived under a constant umbrella of guilt and regret. That hum. It's exhausting and life-stealing. And though God's walked me through a TON of the "why" and "what" of it, there is work yet to be done in that area.  It's a dark, evil place - regret. Because there is NOTHING I can do about something already said and done. I make amends, take responsibility, and ask forgiveness, but then what?

Joyce Meyer says this, "God will tell you what you are about to do wrong so you can change your mind before you make a mistake. Satan waits until it's too late, when you can no longer do anything about it, and then tries to bring regret and ultimate condemnation upon you." (Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You Are Going)
Yep.

God's economy can be summed up in one word: "Morning"
Daybreak. It's almost like taking a really deep breath of cool, clean air. A sigh of relief followed by a rush of joy and gratitude that brings me to tears. Oh, God, you are so good.

Lamentations 3:19-24
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (emphasis mine)

How amazing that every 24 (ish) hours we get a sun-up reminder of God's unrelenting, merciful love?
There's no regret in God's economy. Consequences, sometimes, but NEVER regret. Just love... love love love love love.
It's a life-saving truth. Holy Spirit, burn this on the inside of me. Let me never forget how good God is.
Selah.

status update

It's been an interesting week. A whole lot of days of willing my way through the fog of my body's fight against viral invasion. For those who have been praying, the stomach is doing much better, thanks. The head cold is quite a headache... (LOL - I'm so funny).  But, I have to tell you... I have NOT been dealing with the ridiculous mental onslaught that has accompanied my physical symptoms, thank God!!

Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them."

So here's some transparency:
Before God brought me out of the turmoil of PTSD and terrible depression, I would spend day after day in bed. I was completely immobilized, barely conscious, full to the gill with prescription drugs, and utterly laid open for Satan to proclaim lies over me day after day. I felt horribly guilty for not participating in my kids' lives, for being a horrible wife, and for leaving my house in shambles. I carried so much shame, guilt, and condemnation for the state that I was in, and that weight kept me paralyzed even further. It was a viscous cycle. And it's painful to admit just how out of control I felt - how useless and hopeless.

Thank God He lead me to Mercy and freedom. I don't live caught between dread and regret - constantly ripped apart by these two forms of fear.  But lately, as I've been "less-than-healthy" this past month, the same thoughts try to creep in and take me out.
"You're still no different", "See? Still worthless to your family", "You're letting them down, again."

I was beginning to despair a little bit. Afraid that I was "reverting" for some reason. Feeling guilty that I couldn't get up and out of bed and do all of the things I've been waiting to do for my family. I spent a good, full night talking to God about my physical maladies, asking if it was something spiritual that I needed Him to show me or something from my past that I haven't yet dealt with. I begged Him to lead me to the right paths to put this all behind me.
I didn't hear anything perfectly clear that night, except to trust Him, and to never take a single day of health for granted. Those were the impressions I had in my spirit.  I remain open for more after confessing my fear and doubt and leaning into trust and expectation.

I can say, though, that this week, it's like the veil's been lifted. I'm more able to express what I need, not feel guilty about the times I need to rest, and let the house be as the house is without feeling condemned by it. And instead of feeling defeated and worn down, I'm able to get up and do things more readily even when I don't feel the greatest. Nothing has really shifted except that I know that God's grace is all over me. And I know that the prayers of His kids make a huge difference.
So thank you all. And thank you, God.  I know Your work in me is never complete, but is ongoing until I see your face.  :)

James 5:15-16 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well' the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 


2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."


"And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." (The Message)

mouths of babes

Today was incredibly hard. I'd list out the where and what of it, but I'll spare the details. My husband is out of town doing what he is meant to do, and that left me at home with the three littles all day yesterday and today. I figured it would be no big deal. Kurt handled them all by himself with no problem while I was gone! Yesterday went alright, save the visit to the ER, but today was a whole new game. The kids just started pushing and pushing until I was at a brittle snapping point. They, like all children, know exactly where my buttons are, how to push them, and how long. Thank God they sleep at night.

At one point today, my son Alex was in his room crying. We'd had another blow out where all three kids needed to be separated lest one stab the other with a pencil, break a CD, or save over the final level of Lego Star Wars. They just could not get along today! I had retreated to my bathroom to pull my hair out, and I heard Alex come around the corner, huffing and hiccuping from the crying.
He grabbed his hair, tipped his head to the side and said, "Mommy, I feel like God and Satan are at war inside my head."
I was knocked back by his ability to grasp this profound concept. I pulled him close to me and I assured him that God in him is so much bigger than Satan out there. And in reassuring him, I found myself comforted as well.  We went to the Bible to look up some verses. I want the kids to know that most of what I say isn't just some arbitrary thing I made up. They believe fully that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. There's something concrete in being able to show them ink on paper.

I had Alex read this passage aloud,
James 4:7 "So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time." (The Message)

We prayed together... simply, powerfully. "God, I say yes to you. Devil I say no! In the name of Jesus, Amen."   Somehow hearing those words come from the mouth of an eight year old boy, I feel that heaven and hell must have shook. The spiritual ramifications of my young son's willingness to stand in his God-given authority are beyond my comprehension.

I went on to show him Romans 7:21-25 (the pages in my Bible are all crinkly now from his tears)
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, Sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all of my heart and mind, but am pulled away by the influence of sin to do something totally different"

It goes on to talk about a "new power in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air..."

We pondered this for a little while and I said, "Alex, you know, God sent Jesus so that you don't have to worry about that fight inside of you. God is so much stronger."

Alex grinned at me and started singing...
"He is stronger. He is stronger.
Sin is broken, He has saved me.
It is written, 'Christ is risen'.
Jesus you are Lord of all."

Thank you God, for speaking to me through my precious son. I needed that today. Hopefully it blesses you as well.
Here's a recording of Alex singing that little chorus. (Sorry the icon's so huge!)

Go To FileFactory.com

my scars or his?

I was looking at my arms this morning. They carry the scars of the times I tried to "do it myself". I thought about posting a picture, but I remember the gridlock of my battle with the addiction of self-injury, and I do not want to cause anyone to struggle.
Every time I look at them, though, I remember the failed attempts to control, manipulate, and survive this gift of life. Everyone carries scars from the times in their lives that they tried to handle things their own way instead of His way. I don't know that I'd go so far as to call it a "privilege" to carry my scars on my physical body, but it sure is easy to notice. Although, it wouldn't take much soul-searching to find the "hidden" scars as well.

This morning, I woke up to an amazing string of text messages from a friend of mine. They spoke life, authority, support, and encouragements into my circumstances. The thing is, I know that those words didn't just come from her. I know she would agree that they came from the heart of my Father God. One of her last statements was, "you are surely on the heart of God today!"

My husband was getting ready to go out of town for the weekend to help lead worship for our church's youth group retreat. Meanwhile, he's telling me about our son, Alex, who woke up at 5:30 this morning with a very high fever. At the same time, we're getting Isaac off to school and trying to arrange rides for my daughter, Annabelle, to go with her best friend to swimming lessons. It was a whirlwind from just before 8am until just before 10am.  But as the dust settles, and I'm alone in the house with my sleeping son, I am brought to my knees by the simple statement, "you are surely on the heart of God today!"

What? Who am I? I'm one of billions... just trying to live out my life with a heart postured toward Christ. But He reached out to me through this dear friend, knowing that I needed to hear from Him now more than ever. And it's not just her... God speaks to me through so many people all of the time. I just have to be attuned to the tone of His voice.

Oh God, I don't want to do this by myself. I'm responding to your invitation to stand strong in the waterfall of your Grace. Take the lead. I surrender to your magnificence. You have the power to make the sick well, to raise the dead, to forgive sins, and to move the hearts of kings, nations, and mountains. I am nothing without you. I don't want any more scars. I want to do it your way - completely. Lead on, Holy Spirit. I will follow you.


"Remember how you were when you didn't know God, led from one phony god to another, never knowing what you were doing, just doing it because everybody else did it? It's different in this life.  God wants us to use our intelligence, to seek to understand as well as we can.  For instance, by using your heads, you know perfectly well that the Spirit of God would never prompt anyone to say "Jesus be damned!" Nor would anyone be inclined to say "Jesus is Master!" without the insight of the Holy Spirit."  - 1 Corinthians 12: 2-3 (The Message)

"Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them -- living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life...  This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life.  It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children." - Romans 8:5-7, 15-16 (The Message)

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out." - Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

handy man

It’s hard to have a “savior” unless we recognize our need to be saved. It’s hard to be grateful for a rescuer if we don’t feel the need to be rescued.  I don’t know if it was my pride or my stupidity that made me blind to my true condition. Maybe it was utter hopelessness or having been let down so many times in life... I had no real faith that God or anyone would ever come to my side and help me. But somewhere along the line I stopped looking for a redeemer. I stopped praying for a savior and tried to save myself. And when that failed, I tried to end myself. 

Life is not all bad, all the time. I know many, many people that are perfectly happy - seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are dead or dying spiritually.  Maybe, like me, they have a sense somewhere deep inside that there “has to be more to life”.  Maybe, like me, they’ve given up hope and decided to be content with the emptiness. Or maybe, like me, they’ve come to despise the emptiness, and after a string of vain attempt to fill the hole, they come to despise their very existence. 

Whatever level of awareness, whatever level of “drama”, I think we have to come to a place in life sooner or later where we realize that we are absolutely without hope in this life without God.  

I had a relationship with Jesus from the time I was a little girl. I went to church, read my Bible, and said my bedtime prayers. And because I had accepted Christ, I had a free ticket to heaven. But it wasn’t until I found myself face down, pinned to the floor with absolutely NO way out that I met my true Savior. Coming into the truth of my real condition brought me into an awe, appreciation, and love of my God that I had never before experienced. 

People ask me sometimes how I got to a point of intimacy with God. It’s definitely not because I’m "awesome" and I’ve done this or that to “get close”.  It’s simply that I was reduced to a place where I stared into the blackness of life without Him, and I chose to beg God to meet me. I stayed still and listened, I learned to trust (HUGE), and I LET Him rescue me. He longs for us. He hurts for us. He did all of the work. I just cried out, and He heard me.

David the psalmist king, was amazing at crying out, and I believe it’s one of the reasons he was considered “beloved of God”. 

Psalm 31 is a token passage for me.

“In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; 

let me never be put to shame; 

deliver me in your righteousness. 

Turn your ear to me,

come quickly to my rescue;

be my rock of refuge,

a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress,

for the sake of your name lead and

guide me.

Free me from the trap that is set fore me,

for you are my refuge.

Into your hands I commit my spirit;

redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.

It’s interesting to me that Christ used these exact words on the cross. An act of complete, obedient surrender... “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit...” (Luke 23:46)

God, let me be so completely yours that I can confidently release control and say the words of your beloved... “Father, I place my life in your hands!”

grace is enough

My counselor at Mercy was big on the phrase, "Be sick like an adult". Identify what my needs are, express them and get them met, and then stop whining. Yeah. I'm only partly winning. After eight days of random symptoms, low grade fevers, and extreme fatigue, I decided to finally go to the doctor this morning. Everything looks great except that my lymph nodes are swollen. She said I'm definitely fighting off something, but she suspects it's viral and that I should feel much better in the next 2-3 days.
They ran a CBC and a Blood Chem just to make sure every thing's copacetic.

As much as I've given my best effort to continue with life as normal even though I'm so tired and achy that all I desire is my bed, It's super frustrating to be "under the weather". But I'm learning more and more to watch the thoughts that assault my lil tired mind.
Our Psalm for today in Psalm 19:14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer". 
That's all well and good, but how?  2 Corinthians 10:4-5  "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
The Message Bible writes "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ." (emphasis mine)

I gotta admit. The last thing I've wanted to do over the past couple of days is study the Bible. My flesh is screaming, "OUCH! SLEEP!"  And I definitely don't want to over-spiritualize things. I'm an etherial being living in a concrete world. (that sounded like a Madonna song) It makes no sense to forfeit our present, natural reality completely... hence, my visit to the doctor this morning! But I also know that there is more to this life than what we can see.
So, while my body does its work to fight off this virus of sorts, it is my responsibility to keep my mind fixed on things above. To do my part in the Spiritual sense so that I stay on top of the real battle. That battle is in my mind.
Speaking the Word aloud - quoting scriptures - just hearing them come out of my own mouth builds my faith. Praying in honesty and reading the Bible, even when it seems to make little to no sense. It's going in, and the Holy Spirit is doing a work whether I see immediate results or not.
I'm sharing this because I needed the kick in the butt I got from God this morning. No time is wasted unless I allow it. And just because I feel icky doesn't mean that I have the right to remain idle in my quest for Him.
I sound really holy, huh? :) heh.  Yeah, I'm going to finish this blog, finish my Bible reading, pray and take a nap. Shield of faith up, sword of the spirit armed and ready. God, you gotta do the rest.

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

He hears!

I think sometimes I don't pray because I'm not sure what to say. Things get so jumbled up in my mind, my emotions are all over the place, and the words will not come out. I'm more comfortable curling up in a ball and trying to "sleep it off" than calling out to God. But it is SO profound to me how much God hears!

Genesis records the murder of Abel by his brother, Cain. In essence, Cain was jealous of Abel's relationship with God, and he let it fester into a murderous rage. He lured Abel into a field and killed him. Genesis 4:10 records God's response: "The Lord said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground."
That's intense.
There are many, many references to God's alertness to our condition.  Exodus 3:7 says "God said, "I've taken a good, long look at the affliction of my people in Egypt. I've heard their cries for deliverance from their slave masters; I know all about their pain."  Then He sent Moses to "let His people go..."

One of my personal favorites is in Romans 8:12: "God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know what or how to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans." (The Message)

My heart goes out to the Haitian people. They might not know what to pray or whom to pray to, but there is so much Biblical evidence to prove that God hears them. The blood of the innocent cries from the ground. And I know His heart. In a time where there are SO many questions about the character of God in the face of this tragedy, I know that His heart breaks. He sees their pain, hears their cries, and intervenes in many ways that aren't immediately evident to us.

And as for us, this subject is so close to my heart. Because, when I don't know how to pray - I've been in situations where all I could do is moan - I know that God's heart is postured toward me. I am significant to Him. You are significant to Him. You don't have to be a priest or Bible scholar to be heard by God. He sees you, and He promises that you'll never be alone.
Selah

An aside...

God's really been working with me on some things, and I've been deep in thought, which makes writing really difficult! Emotions, ideas, and revelations are all kind of jumbled up inside. It's difficult to communicate.  So, just so you know, I'm here! I've still been in the Word every day... not necessarily following "the plan", but letting the Holy Spirit guide me here and there. Been spending a lot of time with Paul in his letters to the church about Christian Living.
I'm learning how to do life. I know it sounds weird, but I've never really done this before! I've never walked every day hand in hand with my Savior, waiting on Him and leaning entirely on His grace to get through each moment. It's a fabulously freeing way to live.  I was telling Abbey last night that my two biggest prayers throughout the day are "Help!" and "Thank You!" LOL
But even so, my heart is postured toward Him. My eyes are upward, and my hands are outstretched.
Because I can't raise three kids on my own. I can't make decisions about schooling and ADD and how to bring emotional, physical, and spiritual health to them all by myself! I can't be the wife my husband needs and deserves. I can't give if I haven't received from Him.
I have never felt so completely helpless and so completely secure at the same time.
God is so faithful.
I don't listen all of the time. I'm not obedient the first time, every time. I have one of the strongest wills in the world. Truly. (wouldn't be alive if I didn't) ;)
But God, right?

So I have nothing profound to say except that God's working with me. He's teaching me some stuff that I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to "paper" in the near future. In the meantime, pray for me and my family. That we would know and obey the will of God. That our questions will be answered with clarity, and that chaos and confusion must leave in the name of Jesus, the One who is greater.
And be encouraged. Keep seeking, keep reading. He is real - more real than any of the things in this life.

I love you all :)

Religion or Relationship?

Matthew 22:15 - 24:31

Israel and the Jewish people have such a rich and profound cultural heritage that I love to study.  To be an upstanding Jew of faith, one had to follow a very lengthy, very specific set of laws put in place by God to keep the eyes of His people on Him. But Paul, a religious guru in his day, writes a lot about the law, regularly taking the stand that the Grace brought by Christ sets us free from the demands of a legalistic religion.
Galatians 5:18 "But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law."

Do a word study at Bible Gateway on "the law", or "the covenant". It's mind-boggling to think that in order to close the gap between man's sin and God, the Jewish people had to take such extreme measures.

Jesus was raised in a Jewish family. His early life was recorded to have followed all of the traditions of his religious heritage. But Jesus also knew that He had come as a fulfillment to the law. He knew that He was led by the Spirit of God, and that after His final atonement, the rift between God and Man would be closed.  He came to proclaim God's kingdom come to Earth by grace. In that, He attempts to shift peoples' focuses from religion to relationship.


In Matthew 22:23-33, Matthew records a time when some religious scholars attempt to trick Jesus into saying something that would justify His death.  They ask Him an inane and complicated question about how the law operates in the after-life. I don't understand very much about this "Sadducee" sect, but it looks like they don't even believe in an after-life!
Jesus' answer is awesome. "You're off base on two counts: You don't know your Bibles, and you don't know how God works." (The Message)

I give all of that back-story to make this point:

It's so easy to get caught up in these ridiculous justifications of the Bible. To find ourselves arguing semantics and comparing inconsistencies, when we really don't "know our Bible".
We have a responsibility as Christians to get to know our Bibles.  Like, REALLY, know. Cover to cover.  And not what some theology prof says, or some preacher/teacher, or some random mom with a blog ;), but what the Holy Spirit reveals to us individually as we dig in. I want to get to know my Bible with an open heart, expecting God to do something great in my life as I draw closer to Him. Even if I've read the same passage 50 times, the Holy Spirit can always teach me something new. The Word of God is living and active. It's more than words on a page, it's the breath of God.

I think sometimes, too, we find ourselves demanding answers from God. A self-proclaimed atheist once asked me, "If God is all powerful, could God make a rock so big that He couldn't move it?" (I know he read it somewhere) First of all, if he didn't believe in God, then his question was irrelevant. Duh.  Secondly, "he doesn't know how God works".
I think my two biggest questions have been "WHY?" and "WHEN?" And asking questions in the context of relationship is fine! It's healthy! But when asked in sarcastic skepticism... "Well, if God's so great, then why do horrible things happen to good people?"... the real issue is that "we don't know how God works." We don't have a relationship, yet, where we can hear the heartbeat of God. Hear His tone of voice when He speaks. We don't know His method or His character.
If someone came up to me and said, "Your husband stole $50 from me."  I'd be like, "No way. He wouldn't do that. (It's not in his character to behave that way)".  If they insisted and pushed and seemed completely convinced, I would probably respond with something to the effect of "I'm certain there's an explanation for all of this. Let's talk to him about it." I know my husband. We are intimately acquainted.  Sometimes our toughest questions can be answered by understanding how God works.

And most importantly, when we think we know our Bible and how God works, but the answers still elude, that is where faith comes in. I don't know all of the answers. (of course!) But I know my God is good. And I know that in the end... the real end... every thing's going to be alright.