Happy "New"!

It's my first post of 2011! To be honest, I've been doing a whole lot more reading then writing. It's been great to hear about everyone's thoughts about the New Year, resolutions and goals, dreams, hopes, and reflections. It's been so inspiring and encouraging that it's kind of left me at a loss for my own words.

When I was hopeless and jaded, the New Year was nothing but a turn of the calendar toward another string of empty days. I didn't count down with excitement. I thought I knew what was coming.
My paradigm has shifted a lot since finding hope again, but the idea of a man-made calendar writing so many choices for people still bumps me a little bit. I suppose there is still this part of me with a foreshortened sense of the future - an urgency for the immediate - that begs a resolution every day, not once a year. Life's unpredictability makes it necessary for us to live each day to the fullest, not coasting on toward the next major milestone where we'll start over again.

On the other hand, I'm touched by God's heart toward mornings and beginnings. My God is a God of the new. God brings about the sunrise after the darkest of nights. The colors are among the most vivid and awe-inspiring in all of creation. It's as though it's His way of displaying the full splendor of His new day. The rainbow after a storm - colorful and vibrant. (It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!)
I love to see the things that make my kids' mouths drop open in wonder. Most of them are things that are new and surprising and beautiful. Their faces reflect the Father's heart. My God loves new things.
And while He makes no guarantee of my tomorrow, He does promise that a New Year will dawn as long as the Earth remains.

"For as long as Earth lasts,
planting and harvest, cold and heat,
Summer and winter, day and night
will never stop."
(Genesis 8:22, The Message)

So I thank God for another year and for the opportunity to experience a New Year. I'm in awe that there is still breath in my lungs... I honestly never expected to live to be 30 years old. I'm so aware that each day is on loan to me, and while I don't always act it, I understand what a huge responsibility that is.

While I'm not at all a fan of resolutions, I do resolve to live each day on purpose. Gone are the days of being chased along life's current in a sleepy stupor. Last year I got to test out my new legs. I'm almost ready to run.

I also have some goals for this year - physical, emotional, spiritual:

I want to hear God's voice for my family - whether or not we home-school, whether or not God wants to add to our family, etc - and see His plan come to pass this year.
I'd like to get 300 pages down on a book by year's end. Considering I still have no concrete ideas for this book, this will be a miracle.
I'd like to add fasting to my spiritual practices.
I have a goal to read through the entire Bible this year, cover to cover.
I'd like to meet some physical health goals, including improving my flexibility and participating in a few races/runs.
I want to knit a pair of socks.

I'm writing these and other goals down in the front of my Bible, so that at years' end, I can see where God has taken me and what He's helped me accomplish. I'm interested in what others' goals are, so if you'd like to post a link to your blog entry or jot a few down in the "comments" section, that'd be fun. I'm excited to see where 2011 will take us, and I'm filled with peace knowing that no matter what victories or trials we encounter this year, God is truly in control working His greater good in to every situation.

Love, love, love
Emily

Merry Christmas!!

It's been an incredible year. Walking this journey of victory over darkness has been a daily act of faith and learning. My heart has been tempered in ways I never thought possible and has, at this moment, left me feeling raw and vulnerable and wonderful. I cannot begin to express in words the gratitude that courses through me... gratitude, along with a myriad of other emotions I didn't think I was capable of experiencing. I am rendered almost speechless.



Two years ago at this time, I had just been released from a psychiatric unit in a local hospital. My heart was torn apart, my will to live was non-existent, and I was weary on a cellular level. I had no hope- no vision beyond the pitch black blanket over my soul. I was hospitalized by my psychiatrist, who was worried I was a danger to myself. She could see the emptiness in my eyes. She could see that I had given up. It's hard to imagine, and it's hard to describe. Despite my beautiful family and faithful husband, all of the good things in the world could not penetrate the broken, sorrow-filled pit in me. 

While I was in the hospital, the doctor deemed my depression "treatment resistant". He recommended that I try ECT and an MAOI class anti-depressant as a last-ditch effort to offer some relief. I declined the ECT but allowed a medication overhaul. Unfortunately, the MAOI put me into a manic state, and coupled with the depression and anxiety, I became even more dangerous and hostile - if that were possible. I spent the evening on Christmas of 2008 in my bathroom, injuring myself to quell the voice of self-loathing. I wanted nothing more than to die.

Here, two years later, I stand in the light of dawn. By the grace of God, I've been self-injury and eating-disorder free for over a year. My eyes are opened to the amazing gifts around me, and my heart has been revealed to experience love for the first time in my life. I'm building new memories with my family almost every day. God's repairing broken relationships, bringing in new friends, and helping me let go of destructive bonds. I feel fragile, still, at times like an opening flower bud. But I'm anchored in a real relationship with Christ. I've looked into His eyes and heard His heartbeat and He has breathed new life into my soul. Someone once spoke over me, "God says, 'You begged me for a second chance. I'm not into second chances. I'm into new life.'"

If anyone has read what I've written here over the past year, you know I'm not trying to pretend like life is simple, or even easy. My life is very much a work in progress, and I'm grateful that God didn't drop me off at the curb after "fixing" a few issues. The healthier I become, the more I realize my humanity. The more I understand the power of God, the smaller I feel - but the stronger as well. I'm living. It's taking me a while to figure out what that means - living life to the fullest. But I can see it. The things that fill my world are astounding. Even the pain. The fact that I can feel pain and not run for the nearest blade or bottle is a sheer miracle.

I could go on and on, but that's the gist. Christmas is a celebration of the dawning of a new era. The coming of God incarnate in the person of Jesus Christ changed EVERYTHING about how God relates to humanity - how God relates to me. We celebrate the love and the sacrifice, and we give gifts to each other to emulate in some infinitesimal way the consummate gift that is Jesus. Christmas is about the opportunity to have a new life, and to literally be made into a new being. I've gotten to experience that in some very literal ways this year. So when we sing, "Joy to the world, the LORD has come", we celebrate the arrival of Hope.

Hope has changed my life and the lives of my family. Merry Christmas! Praise be to the One who saved the world. Even me.