Grace at Mercy

Me and Nancy Alcorn, Christmas 2009

This past week, I was given the amazing opportunity to go to Nashville, TN to work with Nancy Alcorn on an upcoming project. It was an honor to be asked and a definite answer to prayer! Mercy Ministries' corporate headquarters is right across the street from Mercy's Nashville home, so another graduate and I got the chance to go over to the house and speak with the current residents of that home.

It was absolutely mind blowing to be on this side of the podium. I was looking into the faces of girls who had come to the end of themselves and were struggling to regain footing in their lives - knowing that not 2 years ago, I was in their place, looking up at a guest speaker during our mandatory morning class, wondering if they had anything to offer the pain that consumed my heart. It was a humbling experience, to say the least, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that without the miraculous hand of God in my life, I would not be alive, let alone living a life of freedom. We both shared our testimonies and then opened it up for a Q & A. Kind of like a sorority, there are some things only a Mercy Girl would understand, and it was really fun to be able to candidly offer suggestions and reassurance on an inside level.  I know that this project is going to turn into something great, but if the entire trip were only to speak to those girls, it would have been worth it a thousand times over.

The girls asked some amazingly insightful questions, and the Spirit spoke through both of us - sometimes a little more bluntly than I would have answered on my own! But one of the questions really got me thinking:
"What is one thing you would do differently if you could go back and go through Mercy again?" 

The other graduate and I answered in a couple of different ways, but even after I was on the airplane, this was on my heart.... I would have stopped working SO dang hard to heal myself and surrendered much sooner. Part of the program at Mercy is weekly assignments to read certain books and listen to teaching CDs. My counselor would select and assign materials based on where I was in my healing journey. I read everything from Battlefield of the Mind to Ruthless Trust to The Practice of the Presence of God, and I listened to more hours of teachings and sermons than I could even begin to count.

Probably through the first 3 months or so of my stay, I thought that if I worked hard enough, read fast enough, listened carefully enough and wrote eloquently enough, I could earn my healing. I wanted to prove to God that I was serious so that maybe He'd notice and throw a little sanity my way. Consequently, I was distracted, stressed, and exhausted most of the time. Mercy life can be pretty fast-paced, and while there is set aside time to work on "homework", they kept us pretty busy with other things. It wasn't until about my fourth month in St. Louis that I finally started to get a grip on the concept of Grace. Grace changed everything. 

"Mercy" and "Grace" are used pretty interchangeably in the Bible, so most people think the two words mean the same thing. Both are gifts from God and both are undeserved, but here's the difference:

Mercy is God's undeserved favor. God shows us mercy when we don't get what we deserve and when we get what we don't deserve. For example, I did something wrong, but because of God's mercy, I did not have to pay the consequence. I did not earn this, but because of God's mercy, He gave it to me anyway.

Grace is God's power working in us to do what we could never do by ourselves. God gives us grace - His power in our lives - to do good works. Our human nature is weak and prone to evil, but by God's grace, we are able to live righteously and do good work for Him. God's grace - His power in our lives - is also what changes and transforms our souls into the likeness of Christ.

See the difference? They're used interchangeably because there is nothing we did to deserve Grace. Grace is an act of Mercy.

I say all of that to say this:
No matter how hard I tried, I could not heal myself. No matter how much information I put into my brain, it was only by the GRACE of God - His power in my life - that my soul was transformed and renewed. All I had to do was surrender to His work. Understand, God does not force - He invites. God does not push - He draws. God's amazing grace cannot work in my life until I allow it to. And a lot of times, that means getting out of the way.
It may not have changed a lot about what I was doing, but it sure would have changed what I was experiencing. I could have read those books with the faith and knowledge that God was going to use them according to His will. I could have enjoyed myself a little more, knowing that the pressure of transformation wasn't on me, it was up to Him.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8)

I used to read that, "For it is by God's undeserved favor you have been saved..." Which is nice! And true! And reiterated by the statement, "and this not from yourselves". Of course God's favor is not from myself....
But look at this... "For it is by God's power working in you that you have been saved... And this power is not from yourselves...(you can't save yourself)... it is the gift of God."

Grace doesn't mean we lie down and quit doing. It's a quiet surrender of the Spirit that yields to faith and trust. Push the seed deep into the brown-black soil and walk away. Don't wake in the middle of the night frantic that maybe you didn't do enough to make it sprout. Let God do His thing with that seed. It will sprout in His way in His time while you surrender your worry and striving to Him. In fact, if you get in there every three hours and dig the seed up to see if it's doing anything, it'll likely never sprout. Get out of the way and let God's miracle of Grace do its thing. It's all a part of receiving.

these days

Sometimes an obedient heart means you leap before you look. 

Artwork by abbEy

Tomorrow, I'm getting on a plane to fly to Nashville, TN to work on a project with some really awesome people. I'm not really able to get into more detail at this point because it's still very much in the planning stages, but I'll try and share what I can when I can. I can say, though, that this opportunity is an honor and I'm incredibly excited and blessed that God has chosen to open this door to... wherever it leads.
This is truly one of those situations where I'm walking in not really knowing what to expect - in an unfamiliar city with unfamiliar people doing unfamiliar things. I've been encouraged to see it as an adventure. :) And it is.

On another note,
Today was the end of our Awake 21 fast. I can't fully describe what a precious time it's been. Kurt and I have seen significant shifts in things we've been praying into. And in the things that still have yet to manifest, we've been given the greatest gift of all - faith. One of the biggest lessons I have to learn at this point, is that breaking a fast doesn't mean things "go back" to the way they were. A new spiritual water mark has been set in my life, and now it's time to learn to live out of this new place. I feel, sometimes, like God is constantly pushing me onward - challenging me. The truth is, He is constantly drawing me - calling me. The challenge is getting out of my own way long enough for Him to work.

I've been thinking about a couple of significant times in my life where God brought me to a new place in faith. Two specific memories come from childhood, and they are treasures to me.

When I was maybe six years old, we lived in Europe and traveled a lot. My mom gave me a Walk Man and some Christian cassette tapes (go 1987!) to occupy me while we drove around in our huge conversion van. Looking back, those Psalty the Singing Songbook and Colby's Clubhouse tapes had some real gems of truth! I remember so very clearly this song, "You Satisfy my Soul".

"You satisfy my soul,
you satisfy my soul,
When I reach out with a longing
that only you can fill,
then You satisfy my soul."

Understanding my life at that time and all that was going on at the age of six, I'm awestruck. God filled me with so much peace as I sang in my heart to Him. He reached into the mess of my circumstances and took hold of His little girl. I still remember the girl on the tape saying, "Colby, I always feel so peaceful when I'm singing praises to the Lord." Somehow, even then, I knew that getting close to God was the answer. And I certainly didn't come up with that all by myself!

As a teenager, camp was the highlight of every year. When I was in late Junior High and High School, a couple of us from my youth group went to a Navigators Camp out in Colorado called Eagle Lake Camp. I made critical commitments at those camps that gave me something to hold on to through those incredibly difficult years. One summer, I somehow summoned the courage to ask my counselor, Adele to go out on a canoe with me. I was one of those kids who never felt worthy of "special" attention. I stumbled through the entire week, and finally I asked. We paddled out into the middle of Eagle Lake, and she waited for me to speak. I still remember how she looked at me with so much compassion and understanding and the ache in me to be heard and understood. I didn't tell her about the abuse per se, but I alluded to a devastation inside of me that I could hardly touch. I think at the time, I thought I was being cryptic, but I'm sure she understood that I was in trouble and hurting. She was the one who encouraged me to seek counseling with a Christian therapist. She stayed in touch with me for a little while after I got home, and her letters gave me a connection and sense of significance that I desperately needed. Because of her, I resolved to keep on fighting.

Looking back over 25 years of being a Christian, I'm blown away by the depth of the Father's heart toward me. 

Here's something: I don't always know how my messages comes through in this blog. I mostly write out of obedience, and I never check my stats to see if anyone's even reading. Maybe I seem like an extremist or religious fanatic. Maybe I seem "out there" and my experiences are unrelateable. Most of you who've commented in one way or another know me well enough to know that I couldn't be a more raw and "real" person. But in the midst of all of the words, my hope is that, somehow, through telling the stories of my life, that you will see God's heart toward YOU. That you would be able to trace the threads of grace through your own life and see that you are so much more than you ever believed you could be. I pray that every person walking this planet would somehow, some way come into a realization of how God sees them. Look through the Father's eyes at yourself. You'll be blown away.

Meanwhile, I'll continue to testify to the way that God has moved me, praying that you'll see beyond me and my flaws and into His heart.

Love, Love, Love
Emily

looking.for.logos

I've started school full time again, and thus my blogging is taking 2nd fiddle in my writing endeavors. However, for one of my classes, I read a chapter from a book called "Habits of the Mind" by James W. Sire that rocked my world!

Ok backing up, I have to say that naming this blog was a real challenge! I wanted the blog to stand for something more than myself. Even though I strive to be transparent and include my personality and life in my posts, it's not really about me, my day-to-day life, etc. I have a written journal for that, and no one would want to read it. I promise. This blog, as I've mentioned before, was meant to honor God publicly for what He has done and is doing in my life, the things he is teaching me, and more importantly, to hopefully work as a conduit for God's truth. He gave me the name, "looking.for.logos".


A seed was planted in my heart by a teaching series I watched while in St. Louis. The instructor talked about the concept of allowing God to transform our souls (mind, will, and emotions) by His Truth. As part of my healing journey and now my life as a disciple, I'm learning how vital it is to sort out the truth from the lies and to fight for the knowledge of God.

John 8:31-32 is a token verse worth memorizing. "Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

It's obvious, but Jesus was NOT kidding. The lies (strongholds) of the enemy are what systematically break us down. They go from huge fundamental lies like "God does not exist" to personal lies like "I fail at everything I do". It was a lie that lead to the fall of mankind and a system of lies that keep mankind from living in the victory that Christ died to give us. The antidote for Satan's lies, is TRUTH.

There are some that would argue that there is no such thing as absolute truth. Our culture today tells us that truth is a personal thing - It's truth if it is true for me, but it doesn't have to be true for you. We're told that truth is cultural or religious, or preferential. Ultimately, the world (Satan) tells us that truth is relative. Some believe that no one can really ever know the truth. They claim that the truth is ultimately unknowable. But that statement is self-contradicting. Proclaiming the "truth" that truth is unknowable nullifies the statement.

God has given us the absolute Truth through his revelation in Christ and the Scriptures. It is the "logic" of God - His thoughts - His reasoning - His logos - that breaks apart Satan's strongholds and sets us free from sin, doubt, guilt, FEAR, anxiety, hatred, unforgiveness, selfishness, etc. Knowing the truth and holding fast to it allows us to weather any circumstance in life. It gives us HOPE.

James W. Sire says, "The ultimate foundation for human knowing is not the autonomy of human reason; it is not the autonomy of human experience.  The ultimate philosophical and theological foundation for all human knowing is the Logos. The foundation is ontological: God not just as Being but as Reason or Meaning.  And this Logos has an incarnate from - Jesus as 'reasoner'. [Truth]" (Sire, 2000 p.202)

Jesus' ministry here on Earth was to impart a new logic, to teach about the Kingdom of Heaven and His father. Knowing Christ, the Logos of God, and living from the truth of our identities in Him, gives us victory over our enemy and lets us share that truth with others. God has placed a burning desire in me to be "looking for logos" in every situation, every circumstance, every breath. To be listening for the God's Truth in the midst of the flood of other noises. To be seeking after Christ, to know Him better, and to pursue that Truth so that God, through the Holy Spirit, can break down those strongholds in my soul and continue to transform me into the likeness of His Son.

I don't know where God wants to take this blog or even this vision for a future ministry, but I wanted to share a little more about the meaning of the name "looking.for.logos", and hope that others will join me in pursuing Truth/Christ/ and the Logos of God in all things.

i agree, it was so worth it

I follow several blogs. Some are posted by friends of mine, and some are posted from well known authors and speakers. I don't get the chance to sit down and read books very often, so checking in on a daily "snack" from a trusted author/teacher is a good way for me to get some extra-curricular input on the Word. I believe it's important to keep listening to podcasts, reading books, or checking blogs to always keep a fresh, relevant perspective on faith. Always, always, go back to the Bible, but don't be afraid to find out what other Christians are thinking. Especially ones you know you can trust to speak the truth to the best of their ability.  Ok. 30 second commercial over.

In that, I was reading a post on Priscilla Shrier's blog the other day that really hit home for me. It's entitled, So Worth It.  The guest author, Shundria, talks about how much her life's been transformed since becoming a parent. Life isn't just about doing things that are fun for her and her husband. Life's about doing things that are a blessing for her children - her "little kids who fight, leave messes, break things, disobey and are at times unappreciative".  She likened that relationship to the Father's heart. How we can "fight, leave messes, break things, disobey, and are at times unappreciative", but God loves to bless us anyway. The Lord gave up His life, anyway.

I have to admit. My attitude this past week has been pretty awful. With the kids home for the summer, my nice little routine has been mulched by three whirlwind, hyperactive, demanding, fussy kids. My quiet time is not quiet, my house is wrecked, and our budget is strapped because they consume products of all sorts at an unbelievable pace. Not to mention the fact that I have no time for myself or school or even to take a shower because of the constant, 24/7 nagging...

But God arrested my heart. I prayed so many times this week, "God. I can't do this. You have to help me. You have to come through for me. PLEASE." And He did. He always does. But I don't deserve His love, attention, patience, or mercy any more than my kids deserve those things from Kurt and me.
God gives me those things, gave me everything, because He loves me. I'm His girl.

I LOVE my kids. I could probably take a cue from my heavenly Father and extend a little love, attention, patience, and mercy. I could probably afford to be less selfish and resentful and a little more grateful that I get to have this time.

In Luke 9:23, Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I remember singing a song about that as a kid, but that's heavy stuff right there. Christ calls us to a life of selflessness. To deny our own rights, wants, desires, needs, and die to our nature to follow after Him. Christ didn't just ask us to do it arbitrarily. He set the ultimate example.

So, tonight, Kurt and I packed up the kids, towels, swim suits, life jackets, floaties, goggles, flip-flops and sunscreen and went to an overpriced "aquatic center" (swimming pool with a fancy slide) to let the kids blow off some steam on a Saturday evening. And they had a ball. I sat in a chair and observed and cheered, and Kurt played some, coached some, and hit the water slide a time or two. Afterward, we put them back in the car all sopping wet, got some food because they were tired, hungry, and cranky, ate, bathed and put them to bed. It was not about me and Kurt. It was for them. (I wanted to stay at home and watch my favorite series on Netflix.) But you know what? It was so worth it. I'm not even sure they said Thank You in so many words. Nonetheless, they had a blast, and in blessing them, it blessed us.

50th Post!!

It's my 50th post! Which is an appropriate landmark, because I've had kind of a landmark day!

I've been so busy writing for school, that I haven't had much thought or energy for what to write on my blog! As I was in my quiet time today, I was praying about what the topic for this week should be. Nothing really jumped out at me. I've been hammering out several hundred words per day in essays, debate postings, and discussions, so the creative well has been a little bit dry. At the same time, I always feel like I'm neglecting to share all that God is doing when I don't make time to blog. So I keep my heart continually open for what God would have me write.

It has been a goal of mine, ever since coming back from St. Louis, to get rid of some of the negative artifacts of my past life. In talking to a friend who also grew up as a military kid, I realize that I hold onto keep sakes with real tenacity. There were so many times in moving around that I was asked to say goodbye to someone I would never see again. I have a couple of friends from the first fifteen years of my life, but most of the people, places, and things that I treasured from that time are gone. I've also lost quite a bit of memory to the PTSD fog that surrounds the chronic trauma I experienced. In that, journals, knickknacks, jewelry, pictures, and other things become overly important. I become fearful that if I don't hold onto that scrap of paper, the memory of that time will be lost forever. Abbey put it really well when she said, "I just know that my memories don't do it justice". I feel that I need something tangible to hold on to.

There are certain things, however, that are better left in the past. I have written in journals diligently from 1998 to now. Some of those years, particularly between 2006-2009, hold very dark moments of total despair. I wrote things, drew things, and recorded experiences from that time that still hold leverage over me, and God has brought me to a place where I'm ready to let those things go. Not all of it, but certain entries that are the very opposite of life-giving. Hear me: I'm not saying that it's wrong for anyone to keep things that remind them of tough times in life. But for me, at this point, I felt the Lord saying, "It's time to move on".  I have such strong negative associations to certain things that I wrote and drew - things God has already brought me through and out of - that to go back there would just be rehashing things He has already laid to rest.

It's different for everyone. Sometimes, in letting go of a past relationship, we have to get rid of clothing or pictures that remind us of that person. Sometimes, it's getting rid of music or movies that take us to a dangerous place. For me, it was getting rid of certain pieces of jewelry, certain images, and certain journal entries.  I made sure that I was not alone, and I was prayerfully supported. I put on some worship music and started in my sketchbooks, tearing out anything I felt "check" in my spirit.
It was pretty obvious.

Once it was all said and done, I had a small box full of papers I never needed to see again. I wanted to burn them and get rid of them, but living within city limits doesn't allow for back yard bonfires. Somehow, though, I needed those papers destroyed. So the Holy Spirit prompted me to soak them in the tub. As I immersed those records in the water, I watched the ink slide off the page and one of my entire journals just slide out of its binding. I felt like that particular aspect of my past was literally being washed away.

Still not really knowing what to think or feel, I heard the Lord speak to me the phrase, "letting go of the former things..."  I looked up the reference in my concordance, and I found this in the Message Version of my Bible.

"You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything - and I do mean everything - connected with that old way of life has to go.  It's rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life - a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you."  Ephesians 4:20-24 (The Message)

Thank You, God, that you have given me an entirely new way of life, and that You've given me the grace to get ride of the old things. It's been quite a journey, and I know You're not finished with me yet.
I am so excited for what is to come. I know You have great and wonderful plans in store for those of us who call ourselves Yours.

walking on water

I wish you could come sit down next to me and experience the absolute peace flooding into my bedroom right now. It's a crisp, cool late morning, the sun is shining but not abrasive, and the birds are singing sweetly. Louie Giglio is talking to me from Kurt's computer, and I'm overwhelmed by the tangible presence of God right here and now. I know that He's always here... He promised that He would be (Joshua 1:5), but sometimes I can't FEEL Him.

I'm learning that the walk of a disciple of Christ is not all about "feeling". Yet, emotions were given us by God when we were created in His image. People talk to me all the time about "hearing from God", "hearing the voice of God", feeling "led" to do this or that.  And I've experienced that. I have.  A sense in my Spirit or an idea that I know did NOT come from me, because it's either so far OUT there or so brilliant that I wouldn't take credit for it if someone asked. Sometimes, though, the things in life - chaos, circumstances, desires, doubt, fear, surprises, pain, business, exhaustion - can push me under water where the voice of God is muffled and distorted.

You know what things sound like under water?   In my Red-Cross swimming lessons, I once had to do the "dead man's float" for 5 full minutes. (I could breathe when I had to, but had to go right back to floating)  In the water, everything is quiet save a distant seeming splash or a garbled series of tones.  It's isolating - which, for me, was part of the appeal of swimming as a kid.  But before long, the strain of staying afloat, the lack of plentiful oxygen, and the blocking out of sensory input is wearing.

See, we were not created to live in the water. If we had to, we could survive. We've invented things like oxygen masks, flotation devices, and wet suits to help with life in the water. There are even these cool "coms" inside of scuba rigs that let divers talk to each other.
But ultimately, man was created for dry land.

It's not a perfect analogy (what is?), but I think sometimes we're diving and we don't realize it. Or we're floating, or we're sinking. I've been all three.  And there's nothing wrong with it. I don't think we're going to be relaxing on the beach until we leave Earth as it is now.
But when I'm submerged in water, I can't hear God clearly. And sometimes, when I'm drowning, all I can do is push my hand up out of the water and wave it back and forth praying for God to grab ahold of it.
And you know what? He does. Every time.

Sometimes He just holds my hand and keeps me from drowning, but he doesn't pull me up too far. It can feel like an eternity of nothing but the vague sensation of a hand holding mine. There are so many other sensations happening that paying full attention to my one hand is impossible.
And then there are times when God tugs a little bit and I realize that He's there. I quit struggling and still my soul and let Him lead. And on days like today, I get the sense that He's pulled my head above the water.
I drink in the fresh, oxygen-rich air and look my Savior in the face, and I can hear His voice without the interference of the oceanic tide.

Ooh. I didn't plan on this analogy, but it's working! lol
Christ is a steady place to cling to. And He gives us the power to not only survive in the water, but thrive.  Life is unpredictable, and we won't always have the sensation of resting against the buoy and drinking in the sunlight and the face of God. But I do believe that He intends for us to seek Him and carve out spaces in our lives where we can stop struggling against the tide and let Him pull us up.

So that's my journey as a disciple. He's so present. And today, I get to FEEL Him and His love.

Psalm 61:1-5 (The Message)


"God, listen to me shout, 
bend an ear to my prayer.
When I'm far from anywhere,
down to my last gasp,
I call out, "Guide me
up High Rock Mountain!"


You've always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You've always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know 
and love you."

the nature of obdience

Abbey and I had an awesome conversation today about the nature of obedience, so I've asked her to contribute to the blog! Thought you all might enjoy a different perspective for a change. Enjoy!

 "Over the last two years, I've had a pretty major revelation that has shifted my entire relationship with Jesus. I've always had a personal relationship with Christ, felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and understood Biblical Truth, but I still stumbled and fell and didn't know why. I saw people all of the time that I knew were solid Christians and believed the same things I did, but they kept doing wrong and making choices that hurt them. I couldn't figure out why my foundational beliefs didn't stick. I used to have a list of 'I will never...', but when it came down to it, it didn't hold up. I knew better. I knew how wrong it was. Why did I backslide? Why couldn't I hold on to what I believed?


  So today Emily and I were having this awesome conversation that ended in this huge revelation, which happens a lot. We were talking about how a strength in our relationship is that we are able to bring issues to each others' attention and be honest with one another without the fear of offending the other person. Emily was talking about how her stomach hurt (again), and I said, "Maybe it's because you're lactose intolerant. Maybe you shouldn't be drinking milk." 
  It got us talking about how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who will not allow you to hold them accountable. Emily just takes the suggestions I give her and assimilates them into the way she looks at things. And I do the same. She doesn't go off into this defensive, victim-mentality place where she justifies why she has to drink milk, all the reasons that giving up milk would be impossible, and how unfair it is that she can't have it. And she doesn't swing to the other side where we're sitting in a restaurant and the waitress comes up and asks her if she wants a milkshake for desert, and she says no because she doesn't want to make me mad. It's not co-dependent in the way that she's choosing to abstain from milk because she's afraid of how I'll judge her. She handles my input like an adult because we're friends. We have a fairly healthy relationship, and she knows that I don't want her to be sick. So she is able to take that and make her own decisions based on what she knows will be ultimately best for her. And if she choses to drink milk and be sick, she's ready to deal with the consequences. 
  
  I realized that on a grander scale, that's what shifted in my relationship with God. I began to pursue His heart and started to ask Him where I fit in the story. Who am I to him - me personally, Abbey. In a healthy, functional relationship vs. a dysfunctional relationship, you care about that person and you know they care about you. So when they bring something to your attention it's not from a place of guilting and lording over you, it's from a place of genuine care for your well-being. As I got closer to God's heart, I started to understand His motivations for the guidelines He has placed in my life. I had never had a revelation of God's heart for me, so my convictions didn't stand up. They were based out of a 'not wanting to make God mad... mostly'.  And it went both ways. As I saw that God's law and the way that He operates are out of place of wanting what is best for my personal well-being - that it is good intentioned, like a great friend - I began to obey out of a motivation of not wanting to hurt His heart. Because I kind of dig Him. And He has shown me so much Grace over and over, even when I've made mistakes, even when I've taken my own road. He's not asking me to prove anything, it's all about true, unconditional love. And that's a solid motivation for doing the right thing. My convictions are unshakeable because I understand how He works. The 'why' behind everything.


  So Emily thought that was cool and asked me to write about the differences between the unsteady 'Bible-school-answer' convictions I had before and the rock solid things that motivate my life now. What was missing was understanding God's heart. You can have rules and regulations, truth and even Holy Spirit conviction, but if you don't understand God's heart and who He is, then it won't hold up under pressure.


-abbEy out"

status update

It's been an interesting week. A whole lot of days of willing my way through the fog of my body's fight against viral invasion. For those who have been praying, the stomach is doing much better, thanks. The head cold is quite a headache... (LOL - I'm so funny).  But, I have to tell you... I have NOT been dealing with the ridiculous mental onslaught that has accompanied my physical symptoms, thank God!!

Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them."

So here's some transparency:
Before God brought me out of the turmoil of PTSD and terrible depression, I would spend day after day in bed. I was completely immobilized, barely conscious, full to the gill with prescription drugs, and utterly laid open for Satan to proclaim lies over me day after day. I felt horribly guilty for not participating in my kids' lives, for being a horrible wife, and for leaving my house in shambles. I carried so much shame, guilt, and condemnation for the state that I was in, and that weight kept me paralyzed even further. It was a viscous cycle. And it's painful to admit just how out of control I felt - how useless and hopeless.

Thank God He lead me to Mercy and freedom. I don't live caught between dread and regret - constantly ripped apart by these two forms of fear.  But lately, as I've been "less-than-healthy" this past month, the same thoughts try to creep in and take me out.
"You're still no different", "See? Still worthless to your family", "You're letting them down, again."

I was beginning to despair a little bit. Afraid that I was "reverting" for some reason. Feeling guilty that I couldn't get up and out of bed and do all of the things I've been waiting to do for my family. I spent a good, full night talking to God about my physical maladies, asking if it was something spiritual that I needed Him to show me or something from my past that I haven't yet dealt with. I begged Him to lead me to the right paths to put this all behind me.
I didn't hear anything perfectly clear that night, except to trust Him, and to never take a single day of health for granted. Those were the impressions I had in my spirit.  I remain open for more after confessing my fear and doubt and leaning into trust and expectation.

I can say, though, that this week, it's like the veil's been lifted. I'm more able to express what I need, not feel guilty about the times I need to rest, and let the house be as the house is without feeling condemned by it. And instead of feeling defeated and worn down, I'm able to get up and do things more readily even when I don't feel the greatest. Nothing has really shifted except that I know that God's grace is all over me. And I know that the prayers of His kids make a huge difference.
So thank you all. And thank you, God.  I know Your work in me is never complete, but is ongoing until I see your face.  :)

James 5:15-16 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well' the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 


2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."


"And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." (The Message)