the gift of receiving

I am constantly humbled by God's crazy love. And I'm constantly convicted by my apparent lack of ability to receive. I wish I could say that by some noble mark of humility, I have found myself in a position more comfortable with giving, but the truth is, I've forgotten how to receive.

My kids have no problem receiving. Kids are spongy in ways that make sponges look inferior. My three expect to be given things. They expect that their needs will be met, that there will always be an overflow of abundance, and that their hands will always be full. In handing a sweet treat to my little girl, I have never heard the words, "No, thank you. I don't need that, momma." But how many times do I hold up my hand and look at the ground and say, "I'm fine, thanks. I don't need that, Lord."





Before jumping to the conclusion that I am insane, think back on the times we couldn't forgive ourselves. I've made a mistake, and even though I'm broken with the pain of regret, I refuse to be comforted. I deserved this. I shouldn't have... I wish I would have...I can't believe that I... And God is standing with His forgiveness wrapped up in a golden ribbon, waiting.
The times I didn't rest when I should have. When I was lead to those green pastures, but I shook my head and kept on walking. When I collapsed on craggy rock, frustrated with God for my lack of energy after He had offered respite but I refused.
The times He poured out love on me - tangible, thick, and more than I deserved. But my heart was guarded and afraid to feel, because I've been hurt so many, many times. So the waterfall of grace rolled off of my back, and I stood numbly reaching, but never receiving. 

I get uncomfortable when I am complimented "too much". I shake my hand and turn down "Thanks" with "No need to thank me" instead of a gracious "You're welcome!" Am I always the first to pull away from a hug? Why am I so afraid to be loved?

Of course, there is always the flip side. The wealth of things I have received and never given thanks for - things I have taken for granted. But it's the love, for me. It's the things that speak, "I'm here. You're Ok. I love you. I delight in you." (He whispers these things to you, as well.) These are the things that meet a weathered wall, and I must somehow choose to be vulnerable to pain in order to receive the love that heals it. 

I find myself wrapped up in the arms that hold no conditions. Sweet words sung over me, sweet whispers of promises I want so badly to believe. At first, I'm tense, because I'm sure this feeling will end and be followed by immense loneliness. I won't be fooled, I've been betrayed before. But the arms remain far past my comfort zone- into eternity -so I dare to relax a bit and then rest. I'm praying there is safety here - praying to the only One who will never, ever disappoint.

acrylic pastels by abbEy

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."  - Zephaniah 3:17


"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

Audrey Assad

With so much victory behind me, sometimes I feel like I have to put on a brave face, when in reality, things just really hurt. I trust my Lord, my heart is full of faith, and He knows that. But today, He just let me cry. And I feel better. :)

walking on water

I wish you could come sit down next to me and experience the absolute peace flooding into my bedroom right now. It's a crisp, cool late morning, the sun is shining but not abrasive, and the birds are singing sweetly. Louie Giglio is talking to me from Kurt's computer, and I'm overwhelmed by the tangible presence of God right here and now. I know that He's always here... He promised that He would be (Joshua 1:5), but sometimes I can't FEEL Him.

I'm learning that the walk of a disciple of Christ is not all about "feeling". Yet, emotions were given us by God when we were created in His image. People talk to me all the time about "hearing from God", "hearing the voice of God", feeling "led" to do this or that.  And I've experienced that. I have.  A sense in my Spirit or an idea that I know did NOT come from me, because it's either so far OUT there or so brilliant that I wouldn't take credit for it if someone asked. Sometimes, though, the things in life - chaos, circumstances, desires, doubt, fear, surprises, pain, business, exhaustion - can push me under water where the voice of God is muffled and distorted.

You know what things sound like under water?   In my Red-Cross swimming lessons, I once had to do the "dead man's float" for 5 full minutes. (I could breathe when I had to, but had to go right back to floating)  In the water, everything is quiet save a distant seeming splash or a garbled series of tones.  It's isolating - which, for me, was part of the appeal of swimming as a kid.  But before long, the strain of staying afloat, the lack of plentiful oxygen, and the blocking out of sensory input is wearing.

See, we were not created to live in the water. If we had to, we could survive. We've invented things like oxygen masks, flotation devices, and wet suits to help with life in the water. There are even these cool "coms" inside of scuba rigs that let divers talk to each other.
But ultimately, man was created for dry land.

It's not a perfect analogy (what is?), but I think sometimes we're diving and we don't realize it. Or we're floating, or we're sinking. I've been all three.  And there's nothing wrong with it. I don't think we're going to be relaxing on the beach until we leave Earth as it is now.
But when I'm submerged in water, I can't hear God clearly. And sometimes, when I'm drowning, all I can do is push my hand up out of the water and wave it back and forth praying for God to grab ahold of it.
And you know what? He does. Every time.

Sometimes He just holds my hand and keeps me from drowning, but he doesn't pull me up too far. It can feel like an eternity of nothing but the vague sensation of a hand holding mine. There are so many other sensations happening that paying full attention to my one hand is impossible.
And then there are times when God tugs a little bit and I realize that He's there. I quit struggling and still my soul and let Him lead. And on days like today, I get the sense that He's pulled my head above the water.
I drink in the fresh, oxygen-rich air and look my Savior in the face, and I can hear His voice without the interference of the oceanic tide.

Ooh. I didn't plan on this analogy, but it's working! lol
Christ is a steady place to cling to. And He gives us the power to not only survive in the water, but thrive.  Life is unpredictable, and we won't always have the sensation of resting against the buoy and drinking in the sunlight and the face of God. But I do believe that He intends for us to seek Him and carve out spaces in our lives where we can stop struggling against the tide and let Him pull us up.

So that's my journey as a disciple. He's so present. And today, I get to FEEL Him and His love.

Psalm 61:1-5 (The Message)


"God, listen to me shout, 
bend an ear to my prayer.
When I'm far from anywhere,
down to my last gasp,
I call out, "Guide me
up High Rock Mountain!"


You've always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You've always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know 
and love you."

wow

I cannot believe it is the 15th of March! We've just gotten back from an amazing family vacation to Florida, and I am exhausted! Kurt's grandparents live in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, and we've been meaning to take the kids down there to see them. These last couple of years have been less than ideal for taking on a venture of this magnitude, but they have taught us some things.  Time is not a thing to be taken for granted. I think intense suffering of any kind brings about a shift in perspective. Things that seemed important lose their value and memories, moments, and relationships become paramount.  There are a lot of things we could have spent money on this spring... but taking time to reconnect as a family, enjoy one another (for the most part), and capitalize on this very unique snapshot of time in the lives of each one of us was so very important.  And I'm out of my mind grateful. I'm sure as soon as the haze lifts off my mind, I'll only become even more so. hehe

I was working on my 365 Project, and it was interesting to me what points on our vacation stood out. We got to do some amazing things including Disney World, the beach, warm weather after a ridiculously frigid winter... but we also got to see friends and family, and I got to peek into the hearts of each one of my little ones. As a mommy, it's utterly priceless to see my kids unguarded and unhindered and free to be completely themselves. There's something very raw about a family vacation. Everyone's true colors rise to the top after 30 hours in the car and 10 days in mixed company.

For my part, God has done a miracle in me. There is no way I could have ever handled a trip like this in my past. And yes, I got cranky and tired and irritable at times. My blood sugar dropped, the sleep depravation caught up with me, and the weariness of living under someone else's roof began to weigh me down. But overall, there was so much grace for each and every moment. There was always a long night and a new morning. I had no trouble sleeping at all, which 1.) for me is amazing, and 2.) for being out of town in a MIRACLE. We hit the Disney crowd with three kids in tow, and I had no anxiety whatsoever. None.  (I don't typically do crowds... understatement of the century)
Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that it sometimes takes a trial to show the change that God has made. And while I wouldn't necessarily categorize a family vacation as a "trial", I do know that it could have been a catastrophe! God deserves so much credit for the work He has done in my life. We not only survived, but we had a wonderful time.

And I'm super glad to be home. :)

Isaiah 43:19
"See, I am doing a new thing!
  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?
  I am making a way in the desert  
  and streams in the wasteland."

rain

I'm really not feeling very well today. It's been a tricky, undefinable, exceedingly frustrating set of symptoms that have lasted about a month, now. Some days, I wake up great! I have energy, my thoughts are clear, my day is organized. And then some days, I wake up, and I'm incapacitated. Not mentally or emotionally (though after a day or two the mental games start...), but physically, I am unable to get out of bed.  Or, once I'm finally up, it's not long before I'm back in bed.
Today was one of the latter days. Please pray for my family. We've fought too hard and God has done too much to let a single day pass by without His best for our family. Like I wrote yesterday, sometimes the way that I expected things to lay out are completely different from His plan. Why did I finally come out of a three-year-long, life-threatening depression just to find myself in bed with a tummy ache?  I know that God did not make me sick. Neither physically or in my emotions. But I do know that He brings all things together for good.

expect the unexpected

I know that I have at least two posts that refer to John the Baptist, but there is yet another lesson the Holy Spirit is teaching me through his story.
Yesterday, we started with the book of Mark in the New Testament. It opens with an awesome statement about the foundation of the Christian faith. (As a writer, I can think of no more powerful way to begin a story...)
Mark 1:1 "The beginning of the gospel about Jesus Christ, the son of God." BOOM.
Then the second character to grace the stage is John the Baptizer.
Mark 1:4 "And so John came, baptizing in the desert region and preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins."

In early January, I blogged about the significance of the relationship between John the Baptist and Jesus. (linkback)  John and Jesus were cousins, contemporaries, and both in "ministry". The respected one another deeply, each understanding his own role in the kingdom story. John recognized Jesus as the One, the Messiah, when he was still in his mother's womb.  Luke 1:41  He was privy to the voice from heaven that spoke to Jesus in Mark 1:11, saying "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased."

All four gospels speak in varying detail about the calling of John as a prophet to prepare the way of the Lord.  John the Baptist knew his role, and he knew the Christ. But I absolutely cannot shake this particular passage out of my mind. It is so profound an example.

John had been arrested and put into prison. Mark 6:17-20 says "Herod himself had given orders to have John arrested, and he had him bound an put in prison. He did the because of Herodias, his brother Philip's wife, whom he had married.  For John had been saying to Herod, 'It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife.'"

Jumping over to Matthew 11, we see this interesting exchange.
Matthew 11:2 says, "When John heard in prison what Christ was doing [in all of His miracles], he sent his disciples to ask him, 'Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?'"
(insert mine)

These words are highlighted in magenta for me. Why was John the Baptist sending his disciples to ask Jesus if He was the One? He knew! Of course he knew... it's all over the gospels.

Jesus did not meet John's expectations.  He wanted the Savior to come into the world and kick some Roman tail! He wanted to see God's perfect Kingdom come to earth and end the suffering of the people. He wanted to see Jesus the Christ elevated to King of Israel. In the least his cousin, the Son of God, could get him out of his death sentence.
I can imagine John sitting in a prison dungeon, knowing he is going to die, thinking, "Really, Jesus? You are the Savior of the world. Come save me. I don't deserve to die in here."
I would be thinking the same thing. What an incredibly discouraging time it must have been for our great John.

But Jesus doesn't leap in and spring him for his prison. He doesn't drop everything He's doing in his ministry to try to somehow bail out His friend and cousin.  Jesus must stay true to the calling of His Father. He had to continue to "go about doing good".  See, there was a much larger picture at play. Who knows how things might have played out if Jesus had cancelled His speaking engagements to detour over to Herod's palace?
So Jesus says these words, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor.  Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." (Matthew 11:4-6)
In short, Jesus is saying, "I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. Hold on tight to your faith. It's not invested in vain. Trust God."  I can almost hear the pain that must have shrouded Jesus' voice. He loved John the Baptist.

Sometimes Jesus Christ doesn't come through for me in the way that I'd expect Him to. Sometimes, I'm in so much pain that I ask "Jesus, are you for real?"
Life is crazy. There are amazing victories and crushing defeats. So it goes on planet Earth. But I hear Jesus saying, "Hold on tight to your faith. Trust God." Even when things do not play out the way I expected them to.

the perfect prayer

I've been thinking about prayer this week, and how much my prayers have changed as I've grown closer to the One I love. Both in Trinity's (@ trinityomaha) Sunday morning service last week and in Hearts (@heartsomaha) this past Tuesday, we've been discussing the concept of going from "familiar" to "follower".
Thank God we live in the US, where we have the liberty to become as "familiar" with Christianity as we like! We are free to attend the church of our choosing on any given day of the week, we are free to openly discuss religion at Starbucks or Village Inn, and we are free to read a Bible, or the Koran, or the Communist Manifesto. We have freedom to familiarize ourselves with whatever ideology we please. And I'm grateful for that! I believe that God intends for us to seek Him, not have Him forced upon us by a government.

But I came to a point where familiar was suffocating, and "civilized religion" (as Erwin McManus calls it) became a cage. It was placid and static and life-stealing. I was surrounded by hypocrisy and noise.  Eventually, I just tuned it out and let it blend into the background, like a bad commercial or paid programming. It wasn't until I became so desperate for God - so barbaric in my need for Him - that my relationship moved from "familiar" to "follower".  At the time, I didn't fully realize that it was God I was searching for, but I was uncontrolled inside, like an animal clawing for something with a frenzied desperation. It was a hunger that drove me to one hundred different ends, but eventually, I found what I was looking for. Well, I should say, He found me.

I don't know what the journey from "familiar" to "follower" looks like for others. I feel like God has to be kinda loud with me because I can be so strong-headed. :) But I was thinking about how all of this related to prayer. I used to say to God what I thought He wanted to hear. Now please understand me, I believe there are many occasions where we use another's words in a prayer in an act of reverence or to be guided when we don't know what to say. In corporate prayer, especially, there must be thought and theology applied. I'm talking about personal, "prayer closet" time.  Sometimes, on those occasions, our hearts need to cry out from the core of our beings and our minds need to take a break while the Holy Spirit inside of us intercedes.

If I was upset, I'd dumb things down in talking to God. I'd go through the ACTS model and make sure that I adored, confessed, and thanked before getting down to what I really felt. And usually, by the time I got to the supplication part, I felt stupid for asking anyway. This was, of course, because I was in the land of the familiar. I didn't understand who God is or how He sees me.

I am not a theologian or a Bible scholar. I don't claim to know much more than anything at all! But I'm looking at today's scripture and this verse rips my heart out:

Matthew 27: 45-46
"From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?" -- which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" 

The commentary in my amazing Study Bible is strangely quiet about this. For good reason. I've heard many, many sermons preached on these two verses. I don't claim to have the "right" answers to this weighty passage. Here's what I do know: Jesus lived and died and never sinned.   (1 Peter 2:22)  Regardless of the multi-layered implications of this final, audible prayer of Jesus Christ, we know that He was not found "guilty" in screaming this from the cross.

Without going deeper, here is my one thought... Can we be so candid with our God?  I, unlike Jesus Christ, am a sinner. I know it, God knows it, the world knows it! So why am I so afraid to say the "wrong" thing to God? He knows my heart - he knows my thoughts. Can't I just be honest? Because sometimes, when life hurts the most, or I am the most troubled or confused, I don't want to ask for peace and wisdom and favor. I want to ask the impossible questions like Christ did on the cross. Regardless of whether the premise of my prayer lines up with the doctrine I hold fast to be true, if it's what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment, I am not allowing God entry into my reality if I am not willing to be honest.

In my journey from "familiar" to "follower", I noticed that my prayers (for the most part, not ALL of them) went from "let these gifts to us be blessed" to "Abba... thank you. Abba... help me. God, WHY?" And it opened up a world of conversation that I never knew existed.
He already knows. He does. The only person I was conning was myself.

What is your perfect prayer?

tell me what to do

I want to share my heart a little bit. God's been dealing with me in a lot of areas, and I've been mulling over a lot of things inside... heartaches and dreams, passions and duties, frustration, hope, the future, the past...
I'm an introvert by nature. God designed me to be pretty introspective and satisfied to be alone. Conversely, He also created me to be input oriented. I learn when I teach. I'm a "sounding board" person. Expressing ideas aloud helps me sort them out in my mind. I'm also very interested in gathering a lot of information on from a variety of sources and integrating them into an opinion before I make a decision.

Kurt and I have had some decisions to make, lately. Some revolve around our seven-year old son, Isaac. He was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, and has been desperately struggling with school and behavior at home.  Over the past year, we've watched him go from a happy kid excited about school, to one fearful, anxious, and ashamed a great deal of the time. Part of that, I know, is due to the instability in his life because of all that I had to deal with in my personal life. But part of it may be bio-chemical. Either way, he needs more help than Kurt or I can offer at this point.

Having described my temperament a little bit, my tendency has been to talk to a bunch of people, consult several "experts", take him to a couple of different doctors, read several books and articles, and then decide with Kurt our course of action.  It's really easy for me to leave God out of the equation completely.  Except that my heart is bursting for my son. It is devastating to see him hurt and struggle. And in order for me to be able to be strong for my boy, I have to lean hard into the One who will never fail us: Isaac's Creator, who knows Isaac better than I could ever dream to. So we've been praying and praying for God's will in this - calling out to Him for His wisdom, because He promises wisdom to anyone who asks for it.  Even though we're still getting conflicting opinions on the best way to proceed, I feel like we're on the right track, and we'll continue to go one step at a time.

Today's passage in Matthew really stood out to me:

Matthew 23:9 in the Message:
"Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do.  Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do."

We are begging God for humility in this. For the patience to let Him lead. So, for me, instead of taking all of this information I'm gathering about ADHD treatment options and assimilating it in my mind, I'm gathering information and presenting it before God saying, "Please, Father, show me what to do."
Sometimes I have to step away entirely and just love on my little boy, as hard as that can be.
This is a real faith walk for me, I have to be honest. It's one thing when I am the one suffering, but it's a faith-shaker to watch my child suffer. I want God to fix it NOW. I want everything to be OK NOW. But I trust in our God. I trust His plan, His purposes, and His timing. And I trust that He will give the grace to each member of our family exactly as we need it, and that He will give wisdom to those we are trusting to help us through this.

Keep us in your prayers. God is good, all the time. Even when it hurts.

blessed

Did I mention that I am having a blast reading through the NIV/Message Parallel Bible ?

It has the trusted, "accredited" NIV Biblical translation, and along side it Eugene Peterson's amazing modern-day language interpretation. There's a great description of it on the Amazon website.

Anyway... reading through Matthew 5:3-11
Jesus pulls his committed apprentices to him and tells them something very profound.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, 
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, 
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, 
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, 
for they will be called sons of God. 
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Beautiful passages. Very poetic. And if you grew up in the church, they're very familiar. But I've never really been able to appreciate the entire meaning of the words. Obviously Jesus found them to be a very important teaching point. Perhaps I should strive to understand? A lot of times, I'll ask the Holy Spirit for revelation. In this case, the revelation was The Message translation.

Check this out.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.  With less of you, there is more of God and his rule." 
"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less.  That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God.  He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat."
"You're blessed when you care.  At the moment of being 'care-full', you'll find yourselves cared for."
"You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right.  Then you can see God in the outside world."
"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.  That's when you'll discover who you really are and your place in God's family."
"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.  The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom."

Depending on where you find yourself today, one or another may pop out at you as something you can grab ahold of. I think I could read this list several times over several months, and each time it will mean something different to me. These are words from the lips of Jesus Christ. You can take ahold of them as promises to keep close to your heart. Let them wash over you, today. Let them bring you peace.

Selah.

runaway dog

You know, I read the passages for today and nothing really jumped out at me, and I thought, "Wow, am I just not hearing from God? I'm not feeling anything..." Then God spoke. LOL
"So, it's about feelings, is it?"
Which is the same thing He said to me yesterday.

I am so emotional! I probably feel 30 different things in as many seconds. I know that my husband couldn't conceive of processing that level of brain activity, but I - being a woman - can't conceive of anything less.
I was completely subject to my feelings until this past year, when I learned that I get to decide with my will how my life will play out. My emotions are indicators, but they are not the boss of me. (insert 2nd grade playground noises)

I was challenged by my mentor to "give my emotions over to God". It was a terrifying proposition. My growing-up taught me that emotions weren't to be expressed or shared, but rather stuffed neatly away in the deep recesses of my mind. Then, when the dam did finally break, they poured out of me with a ferocity that lead me straight into lock-up.
Where is that fine line? I thought I only knew "on" or "off".  (when in reality, they were always on... it was just whether I chose to acknowledge and appropriately express them)
I was struggling greatly with this concept of letting God lead me in the emotional realm.

Genesis 1:26 says "God spoke, 'Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature..."
The Bible is full of places that talk of a God of love, moved by compassion, stirred into a jealous anger, grieved by our disobedience. Jesus, being human, experienced every human emotion we do. (and more)
Hebrews 4:15 says "We don't have a priest (meaning Jesus) who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin."

God made me human, in HIS image, and gave me these weirdo control freak emotions, and somehow He wants to be a part of ALL of me.
I love the Message translation of Matthew 22:37-40 "Jesus said, 'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence'"

How? I won't go into it, but 2 Thessalonians 2:13 talks about the "sanctifying work of the Spirit", meaning basically that God, by the Holy Spirit, wants to make every part of the believer into the nature of Jesus Christ. He wants to take my emotions and make them like Jesus' - He wants me to experience and express my emotions, all the while glorifying God.
Ya right.

In my mind, I saw myself walking this huge, out of control black lab. The thing was dragging me down the sidewalk and I was pulling back on the leash with all of my might, just trying to stay on my feet. Somewhere, someone said, "Let go! Just let go!" So, I did! And the dog darted away from me, jumping and barking and biting and tearing apart the neighbors' gardens.
Then, I saw myself walking the same, out of control black lab.  This time, my heavenly Father was walking next to me. I was still pulling back on the leash with my arm nearly ripping out of socket. My Father said to me, "Let go. Just let go." And He placed his hands over mine and took the leash. I let go. Immediately, with an authority only a Father carries, he said, "Heel!" And the dog calmed, stop tugging at the leash, and came to His side.
In both instances I had "let go". But in giving God the leash, the dog did not destroy anything. On the contrary, it actually calmed in the Father's hands.

Every day I have to choose to let God be Lord of my emotions. I have to say, "God! I'm feeling so angry right now I don't know what to do! Please help me. I can't carry this by myself."  Sometimes He answers with insight, sometimes with peace, and sometimes with an intervention by someone He sends my way.
He already knows my heart. There is nothing secret to Him. If I'm cussing in my mind, I might as well cuss in my prayer. It's not going to shock Him.  And as I allow Him to carry the excess and "sanctify" my emotions, I become less frantic and extreme and learn to walk in the safety of His peace.
This is a daily lesson for me.

How is it going for you?