i agree, it was so worth it

I follow several blogs. Some are posted by friends of mine, and some are posted from well known authors and speakers. I don't get the chance to sit down and read books very often, so checking in on a daily "snack" from a trusted author/teacher is a good way for me to get some extra-curricular input on the Word. I believe it's important to keep listening to podcasts, reading books, or checking blogs to always keep a fresh, relevant perspective on faith. Always, always, go back to the Bible, but don't be afraid to find out what other Christians are thinking. Especially ones you know you can trust to speak the truth to the best of their ability.  Ok. 30 second commercial over.

In that, I was reading a post on Priscilla Shrier's blog the other day that really hit home for me. It's entitled, So Worth It.  The guest author, Shundria, talks about how much her life's been transformed since becoming a parent. Life isn't just about doing things that are fun for her and her husband. Life's about doing things that are a blessing for her children - her "little kids who fight, leave messes, break things, disobey and are at times unappreciative".  She likened that relationship to the Father's heart. How we can "fight, leave messes, break things, disobey, and are at times unappreciative", but God loves to bless us anyway. The Lord gave up His life, anyway.

I have to admit. My attitude this past week has been pretty awful. With the kids home for the summer, my nice little routine has been mulched by three whirlwind, hyperactive, demanding, fussy kids. My quiet time is not quiet, my house is wrecked, and our budget is strapped because they consume products of all sorts at an unbelievable pace. Not to mention the fact that I have no time for myself or school or even to take a shower because of the constant, 24/7 nagging...

But God arrested my heart. I prayed so many times this week, "God. I can't do this. You have to help me. You have to come through for me. PLEASE." And He did. He always does. But I don't deserve His love, attention, patience, or mercy any more than my kids deserve those things from Kurt and me.
God gives me those things, gave me everything, because He loves me. I'm His girl.

I LOVE my kids. I could probably take a cue from my heavenly Father and extend a little love, attention, patience, and mercy. I could probably afford to be less selfish and resentful and a little more grateful that I get to have this time.

In Luke 9:23, Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I remember singing a song about that as a kid, but that's heavy stuff right there. Christ calls us to a life of selflessness. To deny our own rights, wants, desires, needs, and die to our nature to follow after Him. Christ didn't just ask us to do it arbitrarily. He set the ultimate example.

So, tonight, Kurt and I packed up the kids, towels, swim suits, life jackets, floaties, goggles, flip-flops and sunscreen and went to an overpriced "aquatic center" (swimming pool with a fancy slide) to let the kids blow off some steam on a Saturday evening. And they had a ball. I sat in a chair and observed and cheered, and Kurt played some, coached some, and hit the water slide a time or two. Afterward, we put them back in the car all sopping wet, got some food because they were tired, hungry, and cranky, ate, bathed and put them to bed. It was not about me and Kurt. It was for them. (I wanted to stay at home and watch my favorite series on Netflix.) But you know what? It was so worth it. I'm not even sure they said Thank You in so many words. Nonetheless, they had a blast, and in blessing them, it blessed us.

mom's day

Mother's Day is a very big day. I know how women are. This is one particular day out of the year that we have purpose to become hyper-introspective.  

We think about our moms. Maybe we knew her, maybe we didn't, maybe we had more than one. Maybe we had a "mom" that wasn't our "mom". We think about our childhoods. (Sometimes whether we want to or not!)  What our moms did that we will NEVER do. What went well, and what we appreciate now that we didn't then.

And we think about being or becoming a mom.  Nothing will bring more women to tears for more different reasons than meditating on that subject.  Maybe we don't ever want children, or maybe we have children we weren't expecting.  Maybe we can't wait to start having children, or maybe the trying has been heartbreaking. Maybe we're grateful for the kids we have, and maybe we're mourning the ones we've lost. Maybe we know we can never give birth to a child, but we mother none-the-less.

Guarantee that, by and large, guys do not go through the emotional overhaul on Father's Day that we ladies do on Mother's Day.  If they get emotional about "fathers", it's usually during "Into the Wild" or  "Hannah Montana, The Movie".  (You think I'm kidding. Tears. Actual Tears.)
I know I'm not being fair to the guys and their powers of introspection. LOL
It's just that women have the instinctive intuitive ability to turn any occasion into An Occasion.

In all honesty, I can only speak from my own experience as a woman. I feel like God carved out a space on the inside of me, and there is a deeply running river that ties me to my identity as a daughter and a mother. It rings out in a place beyond what I can see and describe.  It is deeply personal and deeply sacred.  And I believe that God intended for it to be this way! He gave us parents to give substance to an indescribable God. We understand God by coming to understand our parents. For better or worse, unfortunately.  And He gave moms supernatural grace to love the way He loves - whatever the object of that love may be.  The world is a flawed place. God's design is not.

Today, I am grateful. I feel a lot of things, but most prominently, I am grateful. I am the daughter of a mom I have never met and an adopted mom who loves me deeply. I am a mother to three astounding kids sleeping snug in their beds as I write and three in a place more perfect than I can imagine. And most importantly, I am the daughter of the Most High God.  I have so much to be grateful for.

To anyone woman who may read this post: 

Whatever your situation was and is, know that there is one constant you can cling to today. If you've given your heart to Jesus Christ, you can rest in the knowledge that you are now and forever the daughter of the King. And when the whole earth fades away, He remains.

If you've loved and lost, whether in dreams or in this life, I'm so very sorry. You are not alone in your grief. God's heart is for his daughters.  He is not asking you to put away the pain. He invites you to share it with Him, to pour out your heart to Him, and then trust Him to lead you forward.

And if you think you are not a mother, you are. Look around at the ones you have loved without payback or gain. The ones you have loved who have made a mess, but it didn't change a thing. The ones you have held and comforted and patched up a wound. You may not have the title "Mom", but you have a mommy's heart. So I honor you today just the same.

From my heart to yours,
Emily

musings

So many times I wonder what it must be like to work in a pharmacy. To see people pass by all day long with conditions no one would probably ever recognize, yet I, the pharmacist know the prescriptions behind the labels. I, the pharmacist, know something about these people that they probably keep hidden from millions around them. The writer in me creates character sketches everywhere that I go. It's a habit.  I see a person, and before I realize it, I'm formulating some sort of story about who they are, where they've come from, and where they're going. It's mostly objective. 99% of the time, there is no judgment attached to these observations, just an assembly of facts and a few conclusions based on evidence.

I like to watch what people buy. I'll look at the conveyor belt for the person in front of me and notice diapers, frozen dinners, kitty litter, a sketch pad, and a pack of gum.  Then, I notice the youngish looking woman with no ring on her left hand and an infant on her hip. My mind postulates a scenario about her life. I'm not judging her, just... observing.
Sometimes, when I catch myself doing this, I start to look at myself from the outside in the same manner.

I see a woman with eyeliner pushed up under her eyes, pony tail, t-shirt, and jeans. She's got a pre-school-aged daughter on one hip. The little girl's hair is combed, but one of her to pig tails is falling out. She's got a young boy with her as well. He looks like he just got out of bed. There's a halo of fuzz on the back of his head, and he's wearing an oversized "Hickory Hill" t-shirt, sweatpants, and untied shoes. The little girl is reaching down toward the floor, and the mother is struggling to hold her on her hip while digging through her oversized purse looking for her prescription orders. She haphazardly sets the four-year-old down while looking up apologetically at the pharmacist. The four-year-old darts into a hidden aisle with her brother while the mom heaves a sigh, blows the bangs out of her eyes, and begins to unload the oversized purse onto the counter.
Finally, the woman produces the prize. One prescription for "Strattera", a well-known ADHD medication bearing the name of her seven year old son, one prescription for an anti-depressant with her name on it, and a refill order for an anti-anxiety medication, also for the woman. She slides them across the counter to the overly patient pharmacist and absently shovels the mess back into her purse while calling out the name of her two children. The younger comes sliding out of one of the aisles on her belly.
    
     "Date of Birth?" the pharmacist asks.
     "Mine?" the woman answers, bewildered.  Turning to her daughter, she asks the whereabouts of her son.  Her daughter shrugs and runs back into another aisle.
     "Yes," the pharmacist affirms.
     "Oh," the woman responds, and gives the appropriate answer with her face turned to the side of the window.
      "ZAC!" the woman calls.
    
     "What time do you want these picked up?"
     "I don't care", the woman answers with a half-smile. She manages to snag the four year old by the arm as she runs by and heaves her onto her hip. The daughter protests loudly.
      "I'll put it in for 2:45," the pharmacist decides aloud.
      "Great. Thanks," the woman answers and then disappears in search of her son.

The pharmacist looks over the prescriptions again. ADHD medicine, anti-depressant, anti-anxiety. Makes sense.

Hahahaha

How is she supposed to know that Jesus is living and reigning strong in my life? :) I know that I WAY over-think things like this. The pharmacist probably just does her job with very little regard for the details. But as I was leaving the store, I thought, "How is anyone to know that I'm living the life of a victorious Christian?"

God spoke to my heart, then. 
The truth of the matter is that the Spirit of Christ spills out of me in a way that is supernatural. It's nothing I DO, it's a byproduct of Him in me. Regardless the circumstances.

The other truth is that I am living my life for an audience of ONE. And while it may seem that "all the world's a stage", ultimately, it is the Lord who looks upon the heart of man.  He sees a woman after His own heart, who loves Him dearly and is living out each day to the best of her ability to honor Him and serve the Kingdom.

2 Corinthians 4:6-12,  and 16-18 (The Message)

"It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.  If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness.  We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.  
As it is, there's not much chance of that.  You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at.  We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know what God wants to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken...

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace... There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow.  But the things we can't see now will last forever."
(emphasis mine)

Wow, God. I come as I am and ask you to use me in my humanity to change the world for you.
I'm willing. Send me.  Thanks for Grace. It's all I have, and all I'll ever need.



I got this in the mail today anonymously. So if you sent it, Thank You. It really blessed me. :)

"My Precious Child,
My all-seeing lamp searches out your very spirit and your inmost being.  I know the real you that you sometimes try to hide.
I perceive your thoughts and even know what you are going to say before you say it.
If only you realized how precious you are to me! I'm continuously thinking good thoughts of you --
thoughts that outnumber all the grains of sand in the entire world.
Thinking fondly of you,
You Creator"
-Proverbs 20:27, Psalm 139


(Author Unknown to me)

wow

I cannot believe it is the 15th of March! We've just gotten back from an amazing family vacation to Florida, and I am exhausted! Kurt's grandparents live in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, and we've been meaning to take the kids down there to see them. These last couple of years have been less than ideal for taking on a venture of this magnitude, but they have taught us some things.  Time is not a thing to be taken for granted. I think intense suffering of any kind brings about a shift in perspective. Things that seemed important lose their value and memories, moments, and relationships become paramount.  There are a lot of things we could have spent money on this spring... but taking time to reconnect as a family, enjoy one another (for the most part), and capitalize on this very unique snapshot of time in the lives of each one of us was so very important.  And I'm out of my mind grateful. I'm sure as soon as the haze lifts off my mind, I'll only become even more so. hehe

I was working on my 365 Project, and it was interesting to me what points on our vacation stood out. We got to do some amazing things including Disney World, the beach, warm weather after a ridiculously frigid winter... but we also got to see friends and family, and I got to peek into the hearts of each one of my little ones. As a mommy, it's utterly priceless to see my kids unguarded and unhindered and free to be completely themselves. There's something very raw about a family vacation. Everyone's true colors rise to the top after 30 hours in the car and 10 days in mixed company.

For my part, God has done a miracle in me. There is no way I could have ever handled a trip like this in my past. And yes, I got cranky and tired and irritable at times. My blood sugar dropped, the sleep depravation caught up with me, and the weariness of living under someone else's roof began to weigh me down. But overall, there was so much grace for each and every moment. There was always a long night and a new morning. I had no trouble sleeping at all, which 1.) for me is amazing, and 2.) for being out of town in a MIRACLE. We hit the Disney crowd with three kids in tow, and I had no anxiety whatsoever. None.  (I don't typically do crowds... understatement of the century)
Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that it sometimes takes a trial to show the change that God has made. And while I wouldn't necessarily categorize a family vacation as a "trial", I do know that it could have been a catastrophe! God deserves so much credit for the work He has done in my life. We not only survived, but we had a wonderful time.

And I'm super glad to be home. :)

Isaiah 43:19
"See, I am doing a new thing!
  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?
  I am making a way in the desert  
  and streams in the wasteland."