big week, big God

It's been a big week at the Wagoner house, and it's only Thursday. 

Monday began a critical audit at Kurt's workplace. Basically, the official officials from the "client" come to evaluate and check for errors in the "product". Kind of like a spell check, except much more subjective and dealing with millions of dollars.  My husband is of the rock-steady variety.  Our life is far from predictable, and I feel like he handles it really well.  I'm just so tuned in to the emotional climate in my home, that even when he simply lies on the bed with his shoes and tie still on and closes his eyes, my heart breaks for him. I know he's exhausted on a level beyond the amount of sleep he did or didn't get last night.

Monday also began my sojourn back into academia.  I have a passion for learning, experiencing, and sharing new things, so school is so much fun for me. I never got a chance to finish my Bachelors degree in Creative Writing, and it's always been a desire of my heart to graduate from college.  (I don't know why. No one else understands it either. lol)  When I found a distance learning program through Regent University that would allow me to complete a Bachelors in Christian Ministry, I felt a prompting from God to go for it. Things lined up and fell into place for me to start classes this summer, so here I am! It's a rare gift to be able to study something I'm so interested in, while knowing that I am taking steps toward the dreams that God has placed in my heart. I'm in freshman level courses to fill in the gaps from my transfer, so the course load isn't difficult, but it's going to be interesting to see how this extra responsibility adds in to my already full life.

And then there's the "life stuff".  The boys are almost done with school for the year, so we're in the *spring fever* season. For an ADHD child, added community-wide restlessness is not helpful. Isaac's handling it, but it's mentally exhausting for him. He's come home weepy and emotional almost every day. Annabelle showed up with a cold in the last day or two that's turning into an upper-respiratory issue. She was up in the middle of the night last night, struggling to breathe. We did the hot-shower treatment to open up her little airway, and it helped. She's doing fine today, but the nights get kind of scary with colds like these. I have two very close friends moving away within the next ten days and another very close friend getting married at the end of the month!  Our friend and Worship Pastor is overseas, and Kurt has been asked to help fill in some of the gaps in the teams this weekend.

And then, last night, we got word that Kurt's aunt has passed away suddenly from complications from surgery.  He's doing alright, but it's difficult to see the family hurting. She was my father-in-law's sister, and the daughter of "Granny" and "Old Man", whom we visited in Ft. Lauderdale in March.

So, yeah, life is busy and unpredictable! In the past, my idealistic thinking would take this as a cumulative disaster.  There is a deep sense of unrest that comes with feeling out of control of the circumstances I face, and that unrest translates into "stress".  Having to be malleable to change, adapting my plans and my thinking, and letting go of expectations is contrary to my nature. I seek comfort and stability, routine and security, and I wish to control every aspect of my life so that those four things happen the way that I plan for them!  In my life, "stress" is seeking to control situations and circumstances beyond my control, and "chaos" is giving up control to the circumstances themselves; allowing life to toss me about like driftwood in the ocean.

God, (thank God), offers a happy medium. My theistic worldview allows me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is someone greater than me ordering this world. My personal relationship with God in Christ allows me to believe that God is good all of the time, therefore He is trustworthy in His order.  And if I live my life according to the presumptions and convictions of my heart, then I need not be shaken by the unknowns.  I am able to rest in true peace, knowing my Father has it under control. Even when I can't see three steps in front of me, I trust the ground will still be there when I get there.

I found this scripture early this week, and even though I've read it a thousand times, it brought me true peace.  Hopefully it can bring comfort to your chaos when you need it.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."  Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

mouths of babes

Today was incredibly hard. I'd list out the where and what of it, but I'll spare the details. My husband is out of town doing what he is meant to do, and that left me at home with the three littles all day yesterday and today. I figured it would be no big deal. Kurt handled them all by himself with no problem while I was gone! Yesterday went alright, save the visit to the ER, but today was a whole new game. The kids just started pushing and pushing until I was at a brittle snapping point. They, like all children, know exactly where my buttons are, how to push them, and how long. Thank God they sleep at night.

At one point today, my son Alex was in his room crying. We'd had another blow out where all three kids needed to be separated lest one stab the other with a pencil, break a CD, or save over the final level of Lego Star Wars. They just could not get along today! I had retreated to my bathroom to pull my hair out, and I heard Alex come around the corner, huffing and hiccuping from the crying.
He grabbed his hair, tipped his head to the side and said, "Mommy, I feel like God and Satan are at war inside my head."
I was knocked back by his ability to grasp this profound concept. I pulled him close to me and I assured him that God in him is so much bigger than Satan out there. And in reassuring him, I found myself comforted as well.  We went to the Bible to look up some verses. I want the kids to know that most of what I say isn't just some arbitrary thing I made up. They believe fully that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. There's something concrete in being able to show them ink on paper.

I had Alex read this passage aloud,
James 4:7 "So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time." (The Message)

We prayed together... simply, powerfully. "God, I say yes to you. Devil I say no! In the name of Jesus, Amen."   Somehow hearing those words come from the mouth of an eight year old boy, I feel that heaven and hell must have shook. The spiritual ramifications of my young son's willingness to stand in his God-given authority are beyond my comprehension.

I went on to show him Romans 7:21-25 (the pages in my Bible are all crinkly now from his tears)
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, Sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all of my heart and mind, but am pulled away by the influence of sin to do something totally different"

It goes on to talk about a "new power in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air..."

We pondered this for a little while and I said, "Alex, you know, God sent Jesus so that you don't have to worry about that fight inside of you. God is so much stronger."

Alex grinned at me and started singing...
"He is stronger. He is stronger.
Sin is broken, He has saved me.
It is written, 'Christ is risen'.
Jesus you are Lord of all."

Thank you God, for speaking to me through my precious son. I needed that today. Hopefully it blesses you as well.
Here's a recording of Alex singing that little chorus. (Sorry the icon's so huge!)

Go To FileFactory.com

rain

I'm really not feeling very well today. It's been a tricky, undefinable, exceedingly frustrating set of symptoms that have lasted about a month, now. Some days, I wake up great! I have energy, my thoughts are clear, my day is organized. And then some days, I wake up, and I'm incapacitated. Not mentally or emotionally (though after a day or two the mental games start...), but physically, I am unable to get out of bed.  Or, once I'm finally up, it's not long before I'm back in bed.
Today was one of the latter days. Please pray for my family. We've fought too hard and God has done too much to let a single day pass by without His best for our family. Like I wrote yesterday, sometimes the way that I expected things to lay out are completely different from His plan. Why did I finally come out of a three-year-long, life-threatening depression just to find myself in bed with a tummy ache?  I know that God did not make me sick. Neither physically or in my emotions. But I do know that He brings all things together for good.

expect the unexpected

I know that I have at least two posts that refer to John the Baptist, but there is yet another lesson the Holy Spirit is teaching me through his story.
Yesterday, we started with the book of Mark in the New Testament. It opens with an awesome statement about the foundation of the Christian faith. (As a writer, I can think of no more powerful way to begin a story...)
Mark 1:1 "The beginning of the gospel about Jesus Christ, the son of God." BOOM.
Then the second character to grace the stage is John the Baptizer.
Mark 1:4 "And so John came, baptizing in the desert region and preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins."

In early January, I blogged about the significance of the relationship between John the Baptist and Jesus. (linkback)  John and Jesus were cousins, contemporaries, and both in "ministry". The respected one another deeply, each understanding his own role in the kingdom story. John recognized Jesus as the One, the Messiah, when he was still in his mother's womb.  Luke 1:41  He was privy to the voice from heaven that spoke to Jesus in Mark 1:11, saying "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased."

All four gospels speak in varying detail about the calling of John as a prophet to prepare the way of the Lord.  John the Baptist knew his role, and he knew the Christ. But I absolutely cannot shake this particular passage out of my mind. It is so profound an example.

John had been arrested and put into prison. Mark 6:17-20 says "Herod himself had given orders to have John arrested, and he had him bound an put in prison. He did the because of Herodias, his brother Philip's wife, whom he had married.  For John had been saying to Herod, 'It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife.'"

Jumping over to Matthew 11, we see this interesting exchange.
Matthew 11:2 says, "When John heard in prison what Christ was doing [in all of His miracles], he sent his disciples to ask him, 'Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?'"
(insert mine)

These words are highlighted in magenta for me. Why was John the Baptist sending his disciples to ask Jesus if He was the One? He knew! Of course he knew... it's all over the gospels.

Jesus did not meet John's expectations.  He wanted the Savior to come into the world and kick some Roman tail! He wanted to see God's perfect Kingdom come to earth and end the suffering of the people. He wanted to see Jesus the Christ elevated to King of Israel. In the least his cousin, the Son of God, could get him out of his death sentence.
I can imagine John sitting in a prison dungeon, knowing he is going to die, thinking, "Really, Jesus? You are the Savior of the world. Come save me. I don't deserve to die in here."
I would be thinking the same thing. What an incredibly discouraging time it must have been for our great John.

But Jesus doesn't leap in and spring him for his prison. He doesn't drop everything He's doing in his ministry to try to somehow bail out His friend and cousin.  Jesus must stay true to the calling of His Father. He had to continue to "go about doing good".  See, there was a much larger picture at play. Who knows how things might have played out if Jesus had cancelled His speaking engagements to detour over to Herod's palace?
So Jesus says these words, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor.  Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." (Matthew 11:4-6)
In short, Jesus is saying, "I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. Hold on tight to your faith. It's not invested in vain. Trust God."  I can almost hear the pain that must have shrouded Jesus' voice. He loved John the Baptist.

Sometimes Jesus Christ doesn't come through for me in the way that I'd expect Him to. Sometimes, I'm in so much pain that I ask "Jesus, are you for real?"
Life is crazy. There are amazing victories and crushing defeats. So it goes on planet Earth. But I hear Jesus saying, "Hold on tight to your faith. Trust God." Even when things do not play out the way I expected them to.

tell me what to do

I want to share my heart a little bit. God's been dealing with me in a lot of areas, and I've been mulling over a lot of things inside... heartaches and dreams, passions and duties, frustration, hope, the future, the past...
I'm an introvert by nature. God designed me to be pretty introspective and satisfied to be alone. Conversely, He also created me to be input oriented. I learn when I teach. I'm a "sounding board" person. Expressing ideas aloud helps me sort them out in my mind. I'm also very interested in gathering a lot of information on from a variety of sources and integrating them into an opinion before I make a decision.

Kurt and I have had some decisions to make, lately. Some revolve around our seven-year old son, Isaac. He was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, and has been desperately struggling with school and behavior at home.  Over the past year, we've watched him go from a happy kid excited about school, to one fearful, anxious, and ashamed a great deal of the time. Part of that, I know, is due to the instability in his life because of all that I had to deal with in my personal life. But part of it may be bio-chemical. Either way, he needs more help than Kurt or I can offer at this point.

Having described my temperament a little bit, my tendency has been to talk to a bunch of people, consult several "experts", take him to a couple of different doctors, read several books and articles, and then decide with Kurt our course of action.  It's really easy for me to leave God out of the equation completely.  Except that my heart is bursting for my son. It is devastating to see him hurt and struggle. And in order for me to be able to be strong for my boy, I have to lean hard into the One who will never fail us: Isaac's Creator, who knows Isaac better than I could ever dream to. So we've been praying and praying for God's will in this - calling out to Him for His wisdom, because He promises wisdom to anyone who asks for it.  Even though we're still getting conflicting opinions on the best way to proceed, I feel like we're on the right track, and we'll continue to go one step at a time.

Today's passage in Matthew really stood out to me:

Matthew 23:9 in the Message:
"Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do.  Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do."

We are begging God for humility in this. For the patience to let Him lead. So, for me, instead of taking all of this information I'm gathering about ADHD treatment options and assimilating it in my mind, I'm gathering information and presenting it before God saying, "Please, Father, show me what to do."
Sometimes I have to step away entirely and just love on my little boy, as hard as that can be.
This is a real faith walk for me, I have to be honest. It's one thing when I am the one suffering, but it's a faith-shaker to watch my child suffer. I want God to fix it NOW. I want everything to be OK NOW. But I trust in our God. I trust His plan, His purposes, and His timing. And I trust that He will give the grace to each member of our family exactly as we need it, and that He will give wisdom to those we are trusting to help us through this.

Keep us in your prayers. God is good, all the time. Even when it hurts.

to be or not to be...

In these precious few quiet moments at home, I find myself battling apathy and even the blues, scrambling for motivation in the simple things. Not feeling well yesterday has set me behind in a way only moms and housekeepers will understand. ;)  Speaking of which, I'm looking for a free nanny/housekeeper. Just, you know, an extra couple of hands and some initiative. Apply today at emily.c.wagoner@gmail.com. No pay or benefits.

(That's so funny... I realize in posting this that I've been giving my wrong email address to everyone! hahaha)

Anyway, it's times like this when I'm faced with the decision.
Deuteronomy 30:19 "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God."

I've already made "THE" decision. I've already chosen a team. But I think we are faced every day with decisions that, taken to their logical conclusion, will either breed life or death. Sometimes they're obviously big decisions - like whom to marry and when, whether or not to invest money in this or that... decisions that will affect our future in tangible ways: where we will live, career, kids, finances, marriage, our own health and life.

But often times it's the little things we have to be conscious of. I think we are called to make moment-to-moment decisions that have a greater impact on our future than we realize.

Today in Bible Study @heartsomaha, Dr. Deb talked about Rebekah of Genesis 24.
Genesis 24 recounts the story of the hunt for the bride of Isaac, the promise of the future nation of Israel. It would be through Isaac and his wife that the promises God made to Abraham would be fulfilled. So, obviously, the selection process was fairly intense!
Rebekah was minding her own business one evening when she saw a man near a well with a bunch of camels. She gave a drink of water to the man, but then she offered to water the camels as well.
"After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking." Genesis 24:19

It doesn't seem like that big a decision, but that single choice landed her smack in the middle of God's Epic story and gained her a spot in the bloodline of Jesus the Messiah. (Read the whole story when you have a chance, it's awesome. BibleGateway)

My point is, choices matter. And most don't seem like a matter of life and death. But in the little things, even, I want to be in tune to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit that answers, "Is this life-giving? Or not so much?" And don't get me wrong. I don't choose to read my Bible over TV every time... that's not what I'm saying. Sometimes the most Holy thing we can do is take a nap. (Abbey) ;)
Just be aware, is all. Be choice-conscious.

How have you seen a "small" decision play out largely in your life?

An aside...

God's really been working with me on some things, and I've been deep in thought, which makes writing really difficult! Emotions, ideas, and revelations are all kind of jumbled up inside. It's difficult to communicate.  So, just so you know, I'm here! I've still been in the Word every day... not necessarily following "the plan", but letting the Holy Spirit guide me here and there. Been spending a lot of time with Paul in his letters to the church about Christian Living.
I'm learning how to do life. I know it sounds weird, but I've never really done this before! I've never walked every day hand in hand with my Savior, waiting on Him and leaning entirely on His grace to get through each moment. It's a fabulously freeing way to live.  I was telling Abbey last night that my two biggest prayers throughout the day are "Help!" and "Thank You!" LOL
But even so, my heart is postured toward Him. My eyes are upward, and my hands are outstretched.
Because I can't raise three kids on my own. I can't make decisions about schooling and ADD and how to bring emotional, physical, and spiritual health to them all by myself! I can't be the wife my husband needs and deserves. I can't give if I haven't received from Him.
I have never felt so completely helpless and so completely secure at the same time.
God is so faithful.
I don't listen all of the time. I'm not obedient the first time, every time. I have one of the strongest wills in the world. Truly. (wouldn't be alive if I didn't) ;)
But God, right?

So I have nothing profound to say except that God's working with me. He's teaching me some stuff that I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to "paper" in the near future. In the meantime, pray for me and my family. That we would know and obey the will of God. That our questions will be answered with clarity, and that chaos and confusion must leave in the name of Jesus, the One who is greater.
And be encouraged. Keep seeking, keep reading. He is real - more real than any of the things in this life.

I love you all :)

New Wineskins

We spent the Thursday and Friday at the local Holiday Inn and CoCo Keys, and our WiFi connection was sketch at best. Since I have a tendency to be loquacious, I was having a hard time getting a full blog post together before I lost service. Tragic.  Maybe I should concentrate on being more concise. :) hehe

We had a wonderful time - especially for what we paid. I'm finding that, for me, I have to break "old programs". I got the opportunity to really get away from everything and spend a good amount of time thinking, praying, writing, reading, absorbing, talking, and learning. And in that, I was completely transformed. Omaha, however, remained stoically the same. Some mornings, when I wake up and see the same wall that I stared at for two years of barely being able to get out of bed, I lose myself in what was. In my sleepy stupor, I forget that I've been remade. I came back a square peg to a round hole, but the atmosphere threatens to round out my edges.

So I've been working on really pressing in to God and trusting Him to walk me through this transition. I'm holding on to His promises, to His Word, and to His unfailing love for me. Sometimes, it means changing up the program. Rearranging my bedroom, creating a different atmosphere with music or the strategic placement of a comfy chair. Sometimes it means getting out of the house entirely after 3 weeks of being snowed in and spending a little money on a hotel room and an indoor water park.
That way, I'm making new memories to override the old ones. Following God down new paths that haven't quite gotten worn in yet.
For now, the decisions are so deliberate. My default is the well worn groove of old habits. Hopefully, though, sooner than later, the decisions will come more naturally, and my default will be positive, proactive, and life-giving. Time will tell. But God is faithful. I know He didn't walk with me through seven months of living in St. Louis just to drop me off at the corner in Omaha.  The great thing about giving all I have to an omnipresent God, is that He is able to follow through on His promise to never leave me, never forsake me.

"You make all things new, you yes you make all things new. And I will follow You forward." - Israel Houghton  (Power of One)

The Warrior King

Matthew 10:1-12:14

I was talking to Dena the other day over coffee, and we were talking about how the gospel we were presented as kids was so watered down. It was more of a pee-for-a-peanut scenario. A plea for the worm to one day get his wings so that "we, the church" can feel better about there being one less creepy-crawly on the planet.

I heard, "Jesus stands at the door and knocks. If you let Him in, you get to go to heaven! But if you don't, well... you'll probably end up with the mark of the beast on your forehead following zombies through the bread line in the End Days. Or hell if you die before that. So open the door, ok?"  The "Jesus = Get out of Jail Free" gospel.

The thing that is so deceiving about that theology is that it's half true. God is love. Jesus did die that we might be made right with the Creator and eventually be reunited with him. The alternative does, in fact, smell of sulfur.  But there is so much more to the story.

In Matthew 10:34, Jesus says, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."
What?! What about hark the herald angels sing "Peace on Earth, good will toward men!"  That's a Jesus/Christmasy song, right?
Ultimately, Christ will reign supreme and bring peace to planet Earth. He died a sinless man so that he would have the legal right to rip authority out of the hands of the accuser and restore Eden on Earth.

But I am finally seeing the other half of the gospel of the Christ. When I said "yes" to becoming a disciple of Christ, I joined an epic struggle that has been raging since before Genesis 1:1. A battle line was drawn in the sand, and at the tender age of five years old, I picked a team, and enlisted myself in the service of the Warrior King.
Isaiah 49:1-2 has become my life verse:

"Before I was born the Lord called me;
from my birth he has made mention of my name.
He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver."

I stayed passive for a long time, allowing our enemy to walk all over, in, and through my life, wreaking havoc, and almost killing me. But in the last year, my Father God has taught me to take up the Shield of Faith, raise the double-edged sword of His Word, and battle for my soul and the souls of others. An informed disciple of Jesus Christ is not a weird, churchy, judgmental, legalistic, fake, happy happy, flake. And I don't follow some long robed, solemn, gentle, whispery, martyr.
Get to know the real Christ. Find out what He was really doing here on Earth and what He's doing now. And find out what your role is in this epic story. He has invited us all to be a part of the greatest, most victorious, most powerful warring faction that has ever existed. He has invited us to a life of triumph and assurance. And it's a fantastic adventure.

Ephesians 6:10-12
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."