Thursday, April 1, 2010

raw and uncut

I have sat down to write this blog so many times. The words wouldn't come, though. They still won't, really, but there is so much on my heart that I've decided to put it out there in raw form and let it be as is.

This time of year is really hard for me. Because of my past, there are lots of dates on the calendar that bring to remembrance specific difficult times in my life. Like any anniversary, the date carries meaning because of what is ascribed to it.  Easter weekend is such a weighted holiday... one of my most devastating losses and one of the single most important gains in my life at the same time. Teasing out the emotions into anything communicable is nearly impossible, but I can't hold it in. I want to share my heart.

Easter weekend is the anniversary of the death of my oldest daughter - something I never speak of. The circumstances surrounding her little breath-long life are too much to tell, but the pain is an evolving, enigmatic mass that God is still teaching me how to grieve.  A lot of the things I did to comfort myself following my miscarriage between Isaac and Annabelle do not apply in this situation. I feel as though I'm walking through a dark and dangerous cave, just following the voice of God at my side saying, "It's alright."

Easter weekend is also the celebration of the amazing Christ's mind-blowing plan to bring mankind back to God. It is the single most significant event in human history, and it is the foundation of my faith, my life, and my hope. This year more than any other, I am more in awe, more dumbstruck by the over-the-top love of God for me.  My heart swells to explosion as I can barely comprehend the God we serve, who would send his Son to be fully man and live the life of a man, but flawlessly. And that Jesus Christ, of his own obedient will, chose to sacrifice himself to bridge the chasm of loss between God and humankind. And not only did Jesus die, He waged war on Death and won. Death could not hold Him, and He came back to life.  Jesus Christ is a living, breathing, God. And because He lives, my life does not begin and end December 16, 1980 - ?  I am a key character, woven into the tapestry of eternity, an heir of the Kingdom of Heaven.  Because if life and death were about this rock... if I truly believed that it begins and ends here with no far-reaching repercussion... I would have bailed out a long time ago.
Jesus Christ - the ALIVE Son of God - has radically and permanently transformed my life in ways I can only begin to comprehend right now. And I am madly in love with Him, and He with me.

So much loss... so much death - yet God is somehow in the center of it all. Working out a brilliant plan that will have us all on our faces one day declaring "You are God."

I don't know what this all means... my mind and heart are overwhelmed. But I know that I'm deeply grieved and deeply grateful. And that I will never stop praising my Lord.


abbey. said...

Oh dear friend, Proud of you for being vulnerable,
God has been so astounding in His restoration of all things broken, I KNOW that we can rely firmly on Him.I can't WAIT to see what He does through the rest of this year. Be encouraged! You are a beacon for many, keep doing what you're doing, thank you darling beautiful faithful girl!

Aaron, Angie, Hailey, Lexi, and Jacob said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, Em! I'm reminded about the picture you described to me many years ago about how you were this beacon, with a few rough spots that God was working on, and you were shining your light out to other beacons in the distance. I know I didn't do that vision justice just now describing it, but I'm constantly reminded of that when you've been on my mind. Keep pressing forward, Em! Love you!

Lindsay W. said...

You never cease to amaze me friend. Your openness and honesty brings tears to my eyes and a desire to know God more. Through heartache God remains faithful. His mercy and grace abound and His love will remain everlasting. God has created you a bold and mighty woman and mother [as I've said before], and He delights in all you do. Thank you for choosing to continue this journey and know in your weakness He is made strong. Love you!

emily said...

Thank you all for your amazing support. I wasn't able to revisit this post until a few days ago, and your words of encouragement mean so much. I'm blown away by what God has done, and what He is continuing to do. And I'm thankful that God is using my journey to speak to others.

Abbey, I can't wait to see what God's going to do either! Thanks for being so faithful in the role He's placed you in my life. I'm so blessed to have you.

Angie, I can't believe you remember that vision!! I think of it from time to time, but you just brought it rushing back. God really spoke through you to remind me of His promises to me. Thank you for reminding me.

Lindsay, You're such a source of constant encouragement. You're such a warrior as well, walking out the REAL life God has for both of us. We're sisters on this journey, friend. I'm pulling for you, too.