Thursday, May 13, 2010
big week, big God
It's been a big week at the Wagoner house, and it's only Thursday.
Monday began a critical audit at Kurt's workplace. Basically, the official officials from the "client" come to evaluate and check for errors in the "product". Kind of like a spell check, except much more subjective and dealing with millions of dollars. My husband is of the rock-steady variety. Our life is far from predictable, and I feel like he handles it really well. I'm just so tuned in to the emotional climate in my home, that even when he simply lies on the bed with his shoes and tie still on and closes his eyes, my heart breaks for him. I know he's exhausted on a level beyond the amount of sleep he did or didn't get last night.
Monday also began my sojourn back into academia. I have a passion for learning, experiencing, and sharing new things, so school is so much fun for me. I never got a chance to finish my Bachelors degree in Creative Writing, and it's always been a desire of my heart to graduate from college. (I don't know why. No one else understands it either. lol) When I found a distance learning program through Regent University that would allow me to complete a Bachelors in Christian Ministry, I felt a prompting from God to go for it. Things lined up and fell into place for me to start classes this summer, so here I am! It's a rare gift to be able to study something I'm so interested in, while knowing that I am taking steps toward the dreams that God has placed in my heart. I'm in freshman level courses to fill in the gaps from my transfer, so the course load isn't difficult, but it's going to be interesting to see how this extra responsibility adds in to my already full life.
And then there's the "life stuff". The boys are almost done with school for the year, so we're in the *spring fever* season. For an ADHD child, added community-wide restlessness is not helpful. Isaac's handling it, but it's mentally exhausting for him. He's come home weepy and emotional almost every day. Annabelle showed up with a cold in the last day or two that's turning into an upper-respiratory issue. She was up in the middle of the night last night, struggling to breathe. We did the hot-shower treatment to open up her little airway, and it helped. She's doing fine today, but the nights get kind of scary with colds like these. I have two very close friends moving away within the next ten days and another very close friend getting married at the end of the month! Our friend and Worship Pastor is overseas, and Kurt has been asked to help fill in some of the gaps in the teams this weekend.
And then, last night, we got word that Kurt's aunt has passed away suddenly from complications from surgery. He's doing alright, but it's difficult to see the family hurting. She was my father-in-law's sister, and the daughter of "Granny" and "Old Man", whom we visited in Ft. Lauderdale in March.
So, yeah, life is busy and unpredictable! In the past, my idealistic thinking would take this as a cumulative disaster. There is a deep sense of unrest that comes with feeling out of control of the circumstances I face, and that unrest translates into "stress". Having to be malleable to change, adapting my plans and my thinking, and letting go of expectations is contrary to my nature. I seek comfort and stability, routine and security, and I wish to control every aspect of my life so that those four things happen the way that I plan for them! In my life, "stress" is seeking to control situations and circumstances beyond my control, and "chaos" is giving up control to the circumstances themselves; allowing life to toss me about like driftwood in the ocean.
God, (thank God), offers a happy medium. My theistic worldview allows me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is someone greater than me ordering this world. My personal relationship with God in Christ allows me to believe that God is good all of the time, therefore He is trustworthy in His order. And if I live my life according to the presumptions and convictions of my heart, then I need not be shaken by the unknowns. I am able to rest in true peace, knowing my Father has it under control. Even when I can't see three steps in front of me, I trust the ground will still be there when I get there.
I found this scripture early this week, and even though I've read it a thousand times, it brought me true peace. Hopefully it can bring comfort to your chaos when you need it.
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)