Happy "New"!

It's my first post of 2011! To be honest, I've been doing a whole lot more reading then writing. It's been great to hear about everyone's thoughts about the New Year, resolutions and goals, dreams, hopes, and reflections. It's been so inspiring and encouraging that it's kind of left me at a loss for my own words.

When I was hopeless and jaded, the New Year was nothing but a turn of the calendar toward another string of empty days. I didn't count down with excitement. I thought I knew what was coming.
My paradigm has shifted a lot since finding hope again, but the idea of a man-made calendar writing so many choices for people still bumps me a little bit. I suppose there is still this part of me with a foreshortened sense of the future - an urgency for the immediate - that begs a resolution every day, not once a year. Life's unpredictability makes it necessary for us to live each day to the fullest, not coasting on toward the next major milestone where we'll start over again.

On the other hand, I'm touched by God's heart toward mornings and beginnings. My God is a God of the new. God brings about the sunrise after the darkest of nights. The colors are among the most vivid and awe-inspiring in all of creation. It's as though it's His way of displaying the full splendor of His new day. The rainbow after a storm - colorful and vibrant. (It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!)
I love to see the things that make my kids' mouths drop open in wonder. Most of them are things that are new and surprising and beautiful. Their faces reflect the Father's heart. My God loves new things.
And while He makes no guarantee of my tomorrow, He does promise that a New Year will dawn as long as the Earth remains.

"For as long as Earth lasts,
planting and harvest, cold and heat,
Summer and winter, day and night
will never stop."
(Genesis 8:22, The Message)

So I thank God for another year and for the opportunity to experience a New Year. I'm in awe that there is still breath in my lungs... I honestly never expected to live to be 30 years old. I'm so aware that each day is on loan to me, and while I don't always act it, I understand what a huge responsibility that is.

While I'm not at all a fan of resolutions, I do resolve to live each day on purpose. Gone are the days of being chased along life's current in a sleepy stupor. Last year I got to test out my new legs. I'm almost ready to run.

I also have some goals for this year - physical, emotional, spiritual:

I want to hear God's voice for my family - whether or not we home-school, whether or not God wants to add to our family, etc - and see His plan come to pass this year.
I'd like to get 300 pages down on a book by year's end. Considering I still have no concrete ideas for this book, this will be a miracle.
I'd like to add fasting to my spiritual practices.
I have a goal to read through the entire Bible this year, cover to cover.
I'd like to meet some physical health goals, including improving my flexibility and participating in a few races/runs.
I want to knit a pair of socks.

I'm writing these and other goals down in the front of my Bible, so that at years' end, I can see where God has taken me and what He's helped me accomplish. I'm interested in what others' goals are, so if you'd like to post a link to your blog entry or jot a few down in the "comments" section, that'd be fun. I'm excited to see where 2011 will take us, and I'm filled with peace knowing that no matter what victories or trials we encounter this year, God is truly in control working His greater good in to every situation.

Love, love, love
Emily

...but God wears eternity

I couldn't sleep tonight. I had so much on my mind, I felt like I was lying on the track at the Indy 500 attempting a nap. Finally, I got up, texted a friend, made tea, and sat down with my journal. (by her advice)

I started writing a list. "I have to do this... I need to figure out this... I need to plan this..." And finally my words turned into a prayer. God, I can't do this. I don't even want to! It's time to trim the tree, and I want to run for cover. Visions of hot chocolate, Christmas music, and laughing children are stomped out by a wave of nausea. Lord, please, sort this out for me. Figure this out - tell ME what to do.

And then I prayed, "Let me be your personal assistant for my life." 

I laughed at myself. What a weird and random prayer. But honestly, it helped everything make sense in my head. Apparently the Holy Spirit is up on corporate culture.

Just this past week, I watched "The Devil Wears Prada" for the first time in a long time. I'm sure most have seen it, but for those who haven't: It's about a young lady that moves to New York to be a journalist, only to find herself looking for just about any job that will pay the rent. She interviews for the position of the Personal Assistant (#2) to a notoriously difficult woman - the Editor in Chief of a major fashion magazine. The movie is about the young woman's struggle to maintain her identity and relationships while half killing herself to keep up with the insane demands of her boss.
It's cute, it's witty, and it has a happy ending. I won't spoil it just in case. (As if it weren't entirely predictable)

God is not the fictional Miranda Priestly. But I see how the metaphor loosely fits. 
God is neither impossibly demanding nor a slave-driver of a boss. However, our lives do start to look differently as we surrender our wills to His.

The boss knows whom to meet with and why. The boss knows what he needs and where to get it. The boss is the one in charge of organizing his complex life, while his personal assistant does the footwork and smaller tasks.
Similarly, God knows who I need to make time for and why. God knows my needs and how to provide them. God can make the most complex set of circumstances come together, because He's got the bigger picture in mind at all times. My job is to do what He asks me to do, so that we can work together to make the day to day things happen. 
Sometimes He asks me to do things that seem mundane or irrational. But it's my job to obey, trusting that He knows what He is doing. See, when I step aside, shut my mouth, and receive direction, God is free to make my life work. And because He is always good and has eternity in mind, I can trust His decisions as I go about doing what He has asked me to do. 

Let it be clear that God and I do not have a boss/employee relationship. I have chosen to serve the Lord with my life because of my love for Him. And because of the sacrifice Jesus made, I am not considered a servant but a child of God. We have a parent/child relationship. We have a best friend relationship. (John 15:15, Romans 8:15)

Free will says that I can rip the God's planner right out of his hands and try to sort out the schedule on my own. Free will says that I can walk away at any time. But I don't want that - I can't live like that. Every time I start to drift in that direction the burden becomes too heavy to bear.

I want to be God's personal assistant for my life. Tell me what to do, Lord, and I will facilitate your will in my life and in this world. 

"Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?" (Galatians 5:18, The Message)
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17)

asking the tough questions

In my pursuit of a degree in Christian Ministry, I'm enrolled in a "Worldviews" class, which is basically Comparative Religion. I've been asked to take a look at the other major ideologies, dogmas, and philosophies of our age. I've been studying Evangelical Christianity and the Christian Theist worldview - picking it apart step by step and then holding it up to the scrutiny of others to discover why, in the light of so many options, I have chosen Christianity. 

Philosophically, it's frustrating. Academically, it's a challenge. Spiritually, it's an intense exercise. I've had to ask myself some pretty tough questions over the last month, but the faithfulness of God is unmatched. As I look to the other "answers" the world has to offer, I fall deeper in love with God. Deeper in love with His heart toward us. Deeper in love with the great lengths He went to bring us back to Him. So yes, I'm still a Christian, and I'm more appreciative of my faith than ever before. 

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..." 1 Peter 3:15

One of the great issues I've had to tackle in my faith walk has been "suffering".  I've shared in my testimony "About Me" page, that I endured some pretty severe trauma as a child, teen, and young adult. By the time I was ten years old, I was entertaining suicidal thoughts, having already been mistreated for eight years. God gave me a very strong will, however, so when my perpetrators put me in a position that even I in my confusion and fear found to be abhorrent, I protested. Needless to say, "no" was not an answer back then. The summer I was 10 years old, I spent in almost 24 hour captivity and torture. The goal of my abusers was to break my spirit. They wanted complete, unquestioned submission, so they were going to prove to me that I was powerless. My mother had lead me to the Lord when I was five years old, so I had a foundation of faith. I prayed and prayed for God to rescue me, but things got worse and worse. The enemy, through his puppets on Earth, systematically dismantled my hope that summer. I learned not to want anything. Not physical comfort, affection, entertainment, attention, social interaction, kindness, love. And I learned not to need anything. Not food, water, air, sunlight, sleep. I learned that wishing was pointless, prayer was useless, and I was powerless. 

I can not, in any way that would make sense to anyone else, explain the reason that "God would let that happen to an innocent child". I've cried out to Him since then, demanding an answer. But instead of some kind of justification, the Lord was gracious enough to show me His heart. I caught in a moment His immense grief over the situation - more an intense emotion than I've ever been able to feel for myself. 

My personal belief is that God does not cause anyone to suffer - even for the "greater good".  

There is nothing in the character of God that would suggest that He brings about calamity to teach a lesson. Here's what I know: The world is an evil place, but God is good. We are subject to that evil temporarily because we live on planet earth, but God is eternally sovereign. He has prepared a place of perfection, and He has promised to bring good out of every situation. Sh-t happens, but it does not change the fundamental character of God. He is incapable of creating bad. Everything evil in this world was our Enemy's idea, and if God intervened and stopped every evil thing from happening, He would be interrupting His promise to allow us free will - a promise He made out of love. 

Scripture says that Christ was "delivered to death", suggesting a passing off from the perfection of God's economy to the destruction of the world's. "He [Christ] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification". Romans 4:25 I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm saying God didn't cause Jesus to be killed, even for us. God gave His only Son to this broken World (temporarily) where the evil of this world could have its way with Him. BUT, in the end, the Power of God conquered the evil of this world, setting in motion His plan to eradicate evil once and for all.

What about natural disasters like New Orleans and Haiti? (things that have been deemed an "act of God") The Bible calls these things "birth pains" signifying what will become a new heaven and a new earth. It doesn't mean God wants His people to suffer, or that He doesn't grieve intensely over every single lost soul.  

"Then he said to them: 'Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven... There will be signs in the sun, moon, and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.  At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.  When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near." (Luke 21: 10-11 and 25-28)

I didn't understand this truth - especially at 10 years old. I assumed either God couldn't save me, or worse, I wasn't worth saving. I had great faith in the God of the Bible, so I knew he could make the Red Sea part and raise Lazarus from the dead. My suspicion was less in God's character and capability as it was in my own worthiness. I had done something terribly, terribly wrong to deserve the torture. 

That lie haunted the deepest reaches of my heart where shame kept it vaulted away from even my own consciousness.  In order to allow God to reach that place in my heart, I had to go back and reveal to Him the pain of that summer, the incredible shame I felt, and the many, many questions I had. 

At first, it was easier to accept my own fault, because it allowed my picture of God to remain intact. As I understood my own value, I began to question God's. And I think that's a fairly common progression of thought. 

I was tempted to believe that God was a catalyst to set the world in motion and then left it to spin on its own. I wanted to believe that God was dead and the things that happened to me were bad luck or chance. He couldn't rescue me because He didn't exist. I wanted to believe that maybe it was just Karmic justice. Maybe I had been a kitten murderer in another life. (I say that tongue in cheek, but there was some truth to that hope) 

Ultimately, it wasn't by reason or philosophy or by intellect that I learned the Truth. It was learning to trust in my Abba, God, just enough to rest my head on His chest and listen to His heart. And I wilted into arms that said, "I love you. I hate that you were hurt. I'm going to make it right. Please, baby, just trust me." And the power of the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, spoke peace into my soul. 

He spoke Truth and faith and assured me of the things I wanted so desperately to hold onto as a child. Slowly, all of the hope I lost when I was 10 came back. All of that shame and fear and pain, though I remember it vividly and with grief in my heart, lost its power over me. I was able to rest in the arms of a trust-worthy God.

My faith is justifiable by rhetoric and philosophy. It's argumentable by Scripture. But the ultimate stand of my Faith, is that I worship a LIVING God, who takes an active role in revealing Himself to us. It is by that revelation my faith is strengthened and matured. And no other god in the world can offer personal revelation. Even transcendental meditation whereby a person seeks to empty themselves and become one with the One Being, there is no revelation by a personal, loving, good, God. Their One Being can't cradle them in His arms and cry with them, and that's exactly what my Abba did with me on the front porch in the rain.

I didn't really intend to go this direction with this post, but maybe someone needed to hear it.

I share my heart, because I know that my experiences aren't unique. God's longs to reveal Himself to each one of us - in different ways in different times, but the same non-the-less. My encouragement to anyone who may come across this post is to keep seeking, keep asking. Don't let the cynicism of this age strip your hope from you. That's no worse than being held physically captive. Fight against the lies. Fight to find the Truth, because He's offering it. 

God bless you all, I love you dearly.

big week, big God

It's been a big week at the Wagoner house, and it's only Thursday. 

Monday began a critical audit at Kurt's workplace. Basically, the official officials from the "client" come to evaluate and check for errors in the "product". Kind of like a spell check, except much more subjective and dealing with millions of dollars.  My husband is of the rock-steady variety.  Our life is far from predictable, and I feel like he handles it really well.  I'm just so tuned in to the emotional climate in my home, that even when he simply lies on the bed with his shoes and tie still on and closes his eyes, my heart breaks for him. I know he's exhausted on a level beyond the amount of sleep he did or didn't get last night.

Monday also began my sojourn back into academia.  I have a passion for learning, experiencing, and sharing new things, so school is so much fun for me. I never got a chance to finish my Bachelors degree in Creative Writing, and it's always been a desire of my heart to graduate from college.  (I don't know why. No one else understands it either. lol)  When I found a distance learning program through Regent University that would allow me to complete a Bachelors in Christian Ministry, I felt a prompting from God to go for it. Things lined up and fell into place for me to start classes this summer, so here I am! It's a rare gift to be able to study something I'm so interested in, while knowing that I am taking steps toward the dreams that God has placed in my heart. I'm in freshman level courses to fill in the gaps from my transfer, so the course load isn't difficult, but it's going to be interesting to see how this extra responsibility adds in to my already full life.

And then there's the "life stuff".  The boys are almost done with school for the year, so we're in the *spring fever* season. For an ADHD child, added community-wide restlessness is not helpful. Isaac's handling it, but it's mentally exhausting for him. He's come home weepy and emotional almost every day. Annabelle showed up with a cold in the last day or two that's turning into an upper-respiratory issue. She was up in the middle of the night last night, struggling to breathe. We did the hot-shower treatment to open up her little airway, and it helped. She's doing fine today, but the nights get kind of scary with colds like these. I have two very close friends moving away within the next ten days and another very close friend getting married at the end of the month!  Our friend and Worship Pastor is overseas, and Kurt has been asked to help fill in some of the gaps in the teams this weekend.

And then, last night, we got word that Kurt's aunt has passed away suddenly from complications from surgery.  He's doing alright, but it's difficult to see the family hurting. She was my father-in-law's sister, and the daughter of "Granny" and "Old Man", whom we visited in Ft. Lauderdale in March.

So, yeah, life is busy and unpredictable! In the past, my idealistic thinking would take this as a cumulative disaster.  There is a deep sense of unrest that comes with feeling out of control of the circumstances I face, and that unrest translates into "stress".  Having to be malleable to change, adapting my plans and my thinking, and letting go of expectations is contrary to my nature. I seek comfort and stability, routine and security, and I wish to control every aspect of my life so that those four things happen the way that I plan for them!  In my life, "stress" is seeking to control situations and circumstances beyond my control, and "chaos" is giving up control to the circumstances themselves; allowing life to toss me about like driftwood in the ocean.

God, (thank God), offers a happy medium. My theistic worldview allows me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is someone greater than me ordering this world. My personal relationship with God in Christ allows me to believe that God is good all of the time, therefore He is trustworthy in His order.  And if I live my life according to the presumptions and convictions of my heart, then I need not be shaken by the unknowns.  I am able to rest in true peace, knowing my Father has it under control. Even when I can't see three steps in front of me, I trust the ground will still be there when I get there.

I found this scripture early this week, and even though I've read it a thousand times, it brought me true peace.  Hopefully it can bring comfort to your chaos when you need it.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."  Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

expect the unexpected

I know that I have at least two posts that refer to John the Baptist, but there is yet another lesson the Holy Spirit is teaching me through his story.
Yesterday, we started with the book of Mark in the New Testament. It opens with an awesome statement about the foundation of the Christian faith. (As a writer, I can think of no more powerful way to begin a story...)
Mark 1:1 "The beginning of the gospel about Jesus Christ, the son of God." BOOM.
Then the second character to grace the stage is John the Baptizer.
Mark 1:4 "And so John came, baptizing in the desert region and preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins."

In early January, I blogged about the significance of the relationship between John the Baptist and Jesus. (linkback)  John and Jesus were cousins, contemporaries, and both in "ministry". The respected one another deeply, each understanding his own role in the kingdom story. John recognized Jesus as the One, the Messiah, when he was still in his mother's womb.  Luke 1:41  He was privy to the voice from heaven that spoke to Jesus in Mark 1:11, saying "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased."

All four gospels speak in varying detail about the calling of John as a prophet to prepare the way of the Lord.  John the Baptist knew his role, and he knew the Christ. But I absolutely cannot shake this particular passage out of my mind. It is so profound an example.

John had been arrested and put into prison. Mark 6:17-20 says "Herod himself had given orders to have John arrested, and he had him bound an put in prison. He did the because of Herodias, his brother Philip's wife, whom he had married.  For John had been saying to Herod, 'It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife.'"

Jumping over to Matthew 11, we see this interesting exchange.
Matthew 11:2 says, "When John heard in prison what Christ was doing [in all of His miracles], he sent his disciples to ask him, 'Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?'"
(insert mine)

These words are highlighted in magenta for me. Why was John the Baptist sending his disciples to ask Jesus if He was the One? He knew! Of course he knew... it's all over the gospels.

Jesus did not meet John's expectations.  He wanted the Savior to come into the world and kick some Roman tail! He wanted to see God's perfect Kingdom come to earth and end the suffering of the people. He wanted to see Jesus the Christ elevated to King of Israel. In the least his cousin, the Son of God, could get him out of his death sentence.
I can imagine John sitting in a prison dungeon, knowing he is going to die, thinking, "Really, Jesus? You are the Savior of the world. Come save me. I don't deserve to die in here."
I would be thinking the same thing. What an incredibly discouraging time it must have been for our great John.

But Jesus doesn't leap in and spring him for his prison. He doesn't drop everything He's doing in his ministry to try to somehow bail out His friend and cousin.  Jesus must stay true to the calling of His Father. He had to continue to "go about doing good".  See, there was a much larger picture at play. Who knows how things might have played out if Jesus had cancelled His speaking engagements to detour over to Herod's palace?
So Jesus says these words, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor.  Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." (Matthew 11:4-6)
In short, Jesus is saying, "I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. Hold on tight to your faith. It's not invested in vain. Trust God."  I can almost hear the pain that must have shrouded Jesus' voice. He loved John the Baptist.

Sometimes Jesus Christ doesn't come through for me in the way that I'd expect Him to. Sometimes, I'm in so much pain that I ask "Jesus, are you for real?"
Life is crazy. There are amazing victories and crushing defeats. So it goes on planet Earth. But I hear Jesus saying, "Hold on tight to your faith. Trust God." Even when things do not play out the way I expected them to.

tell me what to do

I want to share my heart a little bit. God's been dealing with me in a lot of areas, and I've been mulling over a lot of things inside... heartaches and dreams, passions and duties, frustration, hope, the future, the past...
I'm an introvert by nature. God designed me to be pretty introspective and satisfied to be alone. Conversely, He also created me to be input oriented. I learn when I teach. I'm a "sounding board" person. Expressing ideas aloud helps me sort them out in my mind. I'm also very interested in gathering a lot of information on from a variety of sources and integrating them into an opinion before I make a decision.

Kurt and I have had some decisions to make, lately. Some revolve around our seven-year old son, Isaac. He was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, and has been desperately struggling with school and behavior at home.  Over the past year, we've watched him go from a happy kid excited about school, to one fearful, anxious, and ashamed a great deal of the time. Part of that, I know, is due to the instability in his life because of all that I had to deal with in my personal life. But part of it may be bio-chemical. Either way, he needs more help than Kurt or I can offer at this point.

Having described my temperament a little bit, my tendency has been to talk to a bunch of people, consult several "experts", take him to a couple of different doctors, read several books and articles, and then decide with Kurt our course of action.  It's really easy for me to leave God out of the equation completely.  Except that my heart is bursting for my son. It is devastating to see him hurt and struggle. And in order for me to be able to be strong for my boy, I have to lean hard into the One who will never fail us: Isaac's Creator, who knows Isaac better than I could ever dream to. So we've been praying and praying for God's will in this - calling out to Him for His wisdom, because He promises wisdom to anyone who asks for it.  Even though we're still getting conflicting opinions on the best way to proceed, I feel like we're on the right track, and we'll continue to go one step at a time.

Today's passage in Matthew really stood out to me:

Matthew 23:9 in the Message:
"Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do.  Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do."

We are begging God for humility in this. For the patience to let Him lead. So, for me, instead of taking all of this information I'm gathering about ADHD treatment options and assimilating it in my mind, I'm gathering information and presenting it before God saying, "Please, Father, show me what to do."
Sometimes I have to step away entirely and just love on my little boy, as hard as that can be.
This is a real faith walk for me, I have to be honest. It's one thing when I am the one suffering, but it's a faith-shaker to watch my child suffer. I want God to fix it NOW. I want everything to be OK NOW. But I trust in our God. I trust His plan, His purposes, and His timing. And I trust that He will give the grace to each member of our family exactly as we need it, and that He will give wisdom to those we are trusting to help us through this.

Keep us in your prayers. God is good, all the time. Even when it hurts.

Intentions and Affections

I liked the passages for today. (See the reading list for Jan 25 below) I've read them before, but each time, God brings new insight and new understanding.

The story of Joseph is amazing. It's been popularized and plagiarized to the point I think it has lost its power to some of us.  But I really relate to this guy. And I want my life to shine with the example his did.

Starting in Genesis 37, Moses recounts the coming-of-age story of Joseph. Long story short, this boy could not catch a break! He was gifted and despised for it. He was betrayed and left for dead by his own family. He was sold as an object, taken to a place where he knew no one and no one knew him, thrown in jail for trying to do the right thing, abandoned by someone who promised to help him, ignored, displaced, and then asked to help the very brothers that had so badly mistreated him.

There are plenty of counts that prove Joseph's humanity. He wasn't some noble, arrogant, shoo-in for the throne of some foreign country. He was deeply emotional, deeply intuitive, and deeply in love with his God.  The part of the story we read today is one of my favorite promises in the Bible.

Joseph is placed in a position of incredible power. He had the ability, motivation, and clout to have his entire family executed. And frankly, his brothers were afraid of him.

They come to him, begging his forgiveness.

I stop here and think, because of the pain in my own heart toward certain people. And I have forgiven them as an act of obedience to God, but the wounds in my soul are harder to heal. Honestly, I think that's ok! I think it's normal. I have to constantly pray for God's heart toward someone... to see them through His eyes. And I know the emotions will follow. Forgiveness does not mean it's "alright". It does not mean forgetting.  Forgiveness means that I have forfeited the right to revenge (and eye for an eye), and given the power of justice back to my heavenly Father, trusting that He will make everything "alright" in the end. And that's exactly what Joseph did here.

Genesis 50:18-20 "His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. "We are your slaves," they said.  But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

After all he'd been through, Joseph recognized the sovereignty of God over his life. The story of God does not begin and end with me. It just doesn't. The story of God is an epic that plays out over eternity, and my role is what it is, even if it means that God has to take something heinous and turn it out for the good of "saving many lives".

The word "sovereignty" is big for me. When I don't understand, and I want to ask God "why?!", I know that He knows the answers, and He is in control. And that only works if I understand His heart and His intentions toward me.  The story of Joseph is an awesome example of life just smacking... and God's intentions in the midst.

What do you think God's intentions are? Do you really believe that He is good? Really?

Do my own words hold more meaning because you know that I have greatly suffered?