Abide

You know, it doesn't take much. That left hook - when you were looking for the right - that blindsides you and knocks you out cold with one hit. It's a suckerpunch to the jaw and suddenly the world goes dark and you find yourself groping around, fingers reaching out for the familiar. It can happen in an instant - the world tilts and turns and you know that it's never going to be the same again. Thank God we have a Rock immovable. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the handle we find in the inky black that gives us some kind of orientation to the "right".

It's in these moments (and the moments after) that it's so crucial to hold on to Truth. But what about when I feel so breathless and disoriented that I just don't feel like I can summon the strength to hold on to anything? My fingers go numb and my muscles refuse to obey the command to "hold on". What then?

My best friend once made me a painting in the worst of times, and on it is the word, "stay". It still hangs in my bedroom. Stay. When there is nothing I can do, sometimes it's the things I don't do that become paramount choices. Don't run away - Don't distract or withdraw or act out in a way I think is going to somehow alleviate the panic. Don't shut down, Don't give up, Don't throw it all away for what you can only feel in this moment. Don't unplug from the Source. Don't jump off the Vine.

Jesus invites us to abide. He doesn't ask us to stress and strain and try to fix it all or figure it out. He doesn't ask us to summon some sort of burst of giant faith and push out positive thinking. He doesn't need us to pray the perfect prayers or sing the right songs. Jesus only asks us to "stay". 

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener... Remain [abide] in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain [abide] in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains [abides] in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you... As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain [abide] in my love..." 
John 15:1-10

This passage is not a threat. Hear the tone of Jesus' voice, so loving and matter-of-fact. He's speaking Truth; calmly and carefully repeating himself so that we don't miss it.

What does a branch do to remain in the vine? 
Literally, the answer is: It doesn't fall off. 


How much effort does it take to simply stay? Remain. He's already here. We're already loved. We just have to remain. Don't fall off - don't run off and try to do it by your own strength alone. Don't get despondent and succumb to the lazy self-pity that says, "Well, I guess He doesn't love me anymore..." Don't turn your back on Jesus, just remain.

I can do that, Lord. I can abide. I don't have the strength to figure it out. I don't understand - I have so many questions and I feel so weak and tired. I can't imagine taking another step right now. But I trust You enough to know that You've somehow got this. You have eternity in mind for me. So I choose to stay. I can't hold on, but I won't let go.

www.flickr.com - Kalecik Karası Grape-vine (Kalecikkarasi) 

*FYI, my family is fine. I'm just having to face some things from my past that are new and shocking and difficult. But we're ok. Just didn't want any of my friends to panic. ;)

Grace at Mercy

Me and Nancy Alcorn, Christmas 2009

This past week, I was given the amazing opportunity to go to Nashville, TN to work with Nancy Alcorn on an upcoming project. It was an honor to be asked and a definite answer to prayer! Mercy Ministries' corporate headquarters is right across the street from Mercy's Nashville home, so another graduate and I got the chance to go over to the house and speak with the current residents of that home.

It was absolutely mind blowing to be on this side of the podium. I was looking into the faces of girls who had come to the end of themselves and were struggling to regain footing in their lives - knowing that not 2 years ago, I was in their place, looking up at a guest speaker during our mandatory morning class, wondering if they had anything to offer the pain that consumed my heart. It was a humbling experience, to say the least, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that without the miraculous hand of God in my life, I would not be alive, let alone living a life of freedom. We both shared our testimonies and then opened it up for a Q & A. Kind of like a sorority, there are some things only a Mercy Girl would understand, and it was really fun to be able to candidly offer suggestions and reassurance on an inside level.  I know that this project is going to turn into something great, but if the entire trip were only to speak to those girls, it would have been worth it a thousand times over.

The girls asked some amazingly insightful questions, and the Spirit spoke through both of us - sometimes a little more bluntly than I would have answered on my own! But one of the questions really got me thinking:
"What is one thing you would do differently if you could go back and go through Mercy again?" 

The other graduate and I answered in a couple of different ways, but even after I was on the airplane, this was on my heart.... I would have stopped working SO dang hard to heal myself and surrendered much sooner. Part of the program at Mercy is weekly assignments to read certain books and listen to teaching CDs. My counselor would select and assign materials based on where I was in my healing journey. I read everything from Battlefield of the Mind to Ruthless Trust to The Practice of the Presence of God, and I listened to more hours of teachings and sermons than I could even begin to count.

Probably through the first 3 months or so of my stay, I thought that if I worked hard enough, read fast enough, listened carefully enough and wrote eloquently enough, I could earn my healing. I wanted to prove to God that I was serious so that maybe He'd notice and throw a little sanity my way. Consequently, I was distracted, stressed, and exhausted most of the time. Mercy life can be pretty fast-paced, and while there is set aside time to work on "homework", they kept us pretty busy with other things. It wasn't until about my fourth month in St. Louis that I finally started to get a grip on the concept of Grace. Grace changed everything. 

"Mercy" and "Grace" are used pretty interchangeably in the Bible, so most people think the two words mean the same thing. Both are gifts from God and both are undeserved, but here's the difference:

Mercy is God's undeserved favor. God shows us mercy when we don't get what we deserve and when we get what we don't deserve. For example, I did something wrong, but because of God's mercy, I did not have to pay the consequence. I did not earn this, but because of God's mercy, He gave it to me anyway.

Grace is God's power working in us to do what we could never do by ourselves. God gives us grace - His power in our lives - to do good works. Our human nature is weak and prone to evil, but by God's grace, we are able to live righteously and do good work for Him. God's grace - His power in our lives - is also what changes and transforms our souls into the likeness of Christ.

See the difference? They're used interchangeably because there is nothing we did to deserve Grace. Grace is an act of Mercy.

I say all of that to say this:
No matter how hard I tried, I could not heal myself. No matter how much information I put into my brain, it was only by the GRACE of God - His power in my life - that my soul was transformed and renewed. All I had to do was surrender to His work. Understand, God does not force - He invites. God does not push - He draws. God's amazing grace cannot work in my life until I allow it to. And a lot of times, that means getting out of the way.
It may not have changed a lot about what I was doing, but it sure would have changed what I was experiencing. I could have read those books with the faith and knowledge that God was going to use them according to His will. I could have enjoyed myself a little more, knowing that the pressure of transformation wasn't on me, it was up to Him.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8)

I used to read that, "For it is by God's undeserved favor you have been saved..." Which is nice! And true! And reiterated by the statement, "and this not from yourselves". Of course God's favor is not from myself....
But look at this... "For it is by God's power working in you that you have been saved... And this power is not from yourselves...(you can't save yourself)... it is the gift of God."

Grace doesn't mean we lie down and quit doing. It's a quiet surrender of the Spirit that yields to faith and trust. Push the seed deep into the brown-black soil and walk away. Don't wake in the middle of the night frantic that maybe you didn't do enough to make it sprout. Let God do His thing with that seed. It will sprout in His way in His time while you surrender your worry and striving to Him. In fact, if you get in there every three hours and dig the seed up to see if it's doing anything, it'll likely never sprout. Get out of the way and let God's miracle of Grace do its thing. It's all a part of receiving.

this year

I have drafts for about three different posts in the queue, but I can't seem to bring myself to finish them right now. Timing, I guess, because I've been avoiding writing about what's truly on my heart.

I didn't want to write it because it's not really all in the "spirit of the holidays". In fact, some days I'm having trouble seeing the silver lining at all. I know it's there, though. That presence of the Lord that radiates through the darkest personal moments. Sometimes it takes faith to see it.

My whole life, the beauty of this season has been tainted by a dark hand of fear - a threat or realized pain from a person in my past still refusing to let go. Our birthdays are a day apart, which he always said made me some kind of special. He had a habit of ascribing great meaning to the meaningless. So in the joy and anticipation of parties and friends and presents, I always had to deal with what would be taken from me instead of given. Any more, he is a menace - quickly losing his power and throwing a tantrum because of it. God has given me back my voice and choice to resist. God has given me friends who understand my situation and rally in the tough times. It's no longer a war I fight alone, but with an army by my side, so the enemy looks smaller and smaller every year.

Still, there is the act of faith. "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:26) speaks to letting our hands do the talking when we talk about faith in God. I think, though, that part of those "works" can be the daily walking out of what we cannot see or touch. As one who faced debilitating depression, I know it can be as simple as getting out of bed, showering, and getting dressed. Faith that the day holds more than the pain inside. Faith that God has a purpose for these moments, even the seemingly insignificant, and that His sovereign power is working out a masterpiece with all of the shattered pieces.

I still wake up heavy with the memories of this time. I still struggle with fear as the sun sets in the evening. I still take practical precautions to ensure that my family's safety is secure. Until this person has a "Road to Damascus" experience or dies, I will most likely always have to be proactive during this time.

It's unfair and infuriating and I can finally feel that. This is a precious time of celebration and giving and beauty in the simple things. This is a season of unity and the recognition of that common bond that spans color and creed and gender and social standing. And I'm incredibly grateful for what the Lord has restored to me. This is my first year home, whole, and happy in five years. I celebrated three birthdays in one treatment center or another, because of that pitiful manipulator.
This year, however, I got to enjoy my daughter's beautiful anticipation and my son's amazement that his friends from school would honor his birthday. This year, I get to live in the victory of the freedom and choices that God has given me as I celebrate the fact that I'm GLAD to be alive. I'm grateful for it.

It's another lesson in the bittersweet - in reclaiming that which the enemy stole from me, one calendar date at a time. But I don't have to do it alone, and that makes all the difference. As my counselor at Mercy used to say, "It's not the absence of struggle, but the presence of God in the midst." 

Slaves of what?

My blogging has severely lapsed over the summer. I started writing in January as a source of accountability and to share what God is doing in my life. It was meant to keep my gaze upward, looking for God in the little things. And it totally worked! The Lord continued to speak to my heart, and in big or little, significant or not, I wrote about them and it helped solidify things inside of me.

Seems, though, that the busier my life gets, the less I write. It's not that God's stopped moving or speaking to me! In fact, as I sit to blog today, I can think of so many topics that I'd love to write about. It's that I'm not taking the time to honor Him by slowing down and publicly recognizing His awesome hand in my life. It has less to do with my writing or its content, and more to do with my heart and priorities. Weird what a little blog can show!

To that end, A word was planted in my mind on Sunday and won't leave. I went with my dear friend to her home church, and the topic in Bible class (I can't remember what their Sunday School is called) was "slavery". As the teacher spoke, several verses flooded my mind, and I thought about all that I've learned in this past year or so about being a slave.

The second part of 2 Peter 2:19 is the phrase that has been resonating with me since Sunday. "...for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him" (NIV). 







When I think of slave, I think of one completely subject to the will of another. That makes my heart lurch. I hate being told what to do. Silly example, but I sometimes resent having to sit through the safety demonstration in an airplane. Flying out to Nashville this past weekend, I was woken up by a flight attendant who told me to turn my iPod off so that we could safely land. WOKEN UP, because apparently my crazy iPod waves are going to interfere with their auto-pilot instruments... It's funny, but the point is, I cringe when I am told what I must and must not do. I think that most people internally buck the system when it seems we have been given an ultimatum. However, none of this comes close to the concept of slavery.

Slavery in Biblical times was a simple matter of fact. It was a part of their cultural dynamic and governing system, so when Jesus and the apostles talked about being a slave, it resonated with the people. Even though slavery in the United States was abolished in 1865, the concept should resonate with us as well.

John 8:34 "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin'" (NIV emphasis mine).
This is where that famous and most often quoted verse comes in: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" John 8:36. (I didn't want to just leave it dead ended like that)

But Jesus was making a bold point in verse 34. Sin is a brutal master. I've heard it said that sin will take you further than you ever wanted to go and demand more of you than you ever wanted to give. Addiction is a good example, but not the only example. We are slaves to whatever we give ourselves. In Matthew 6:24, Jesus made the point, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other." He goes on to say, "You cannot serve both God and Money." (NIV)

The point is this: Either I am serving God, or I am serving something else. Either I am a slave to sin or I am a slave to righteousness/holiness. Two huge indicators for me are, what am I giving my heart to? And what am I giving my time to?

What consumes my thoughts? Where does my mind go in the quiet moments?
Does it go to the to-do list, a relationship, or what's on TV? Do I spend most of my time thinking about my looks or my weight or my next meal? Or does my mind go to the things I'm grateful for, the people I'm praying about, the next assignment He has for me?

I have a mind that tends to race (understatement), so sometimes the most obvious indicator is where I spend my time. What am I spending my 24 hours a day on? How much TV am I watching, or on my computer, or Facebook, or video games? What relationships do I give time to? How much am I working or studying? And, more importantly sometimes, What am I "too busy" to do?

Hear me: I'm not talking about a life where every single thing I do has to do with church. Joyce Meyer says that sometimes the most holy thing you can do is take a nap. Jesus is talking about something bigger than Facebook and American Idol and Ben and Jerry's. It's about the posture of my heart. What am I giving myself to? Because we're all a slave to something.

I want to be a slave to the only Master that matters. Jesus set me free from sin so that I could be a slave to righteousness - a slave to the heart of God. In that light, spending all day long washing dishes, cutting the crust off of sandwiches, and wrestling my four-year-old down for a nap is giving myself to the work that God has called me to! (if I do it with the right attitude) Pouring time into quality relationships is living for the Lord. It's not a matter of works. No one can earn God's grace. Also, we cannot do any good without God's power working in and through us.

God is asking me to look at the things I am allowing to control me in life. It's startling and humbling and leads me back to the center, which should be and always will be Christ. Life's chaotic, but Jesus is the master of my chaos, and He brings peace and order and calm. I just need a reminder sometimes.

When I get overwhelmed and confused by clutter and demands, one of my favorite verses always puts things back into perspective for me. It's one of the few verses I actually have memorized.

1 Corinthians 2:2, "For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified." (NIV)

i agree, it was so worth it

I follow several blogs. Some are posted by friends of mine, and some are posted from well known authors and speakers. I don't get the chance to sit down and read books very often, so checking in on a daily "snack" from a trusted author/teacher is a good way for me to get some extra-curricular input on the Word. I believe it's important to keep listening to podcasts, reading books, or checking blogs to always keep a fresh, relevant perspective on faith. Always, always, go back to the Bible, but don't be afraid to find out what other Christians are thinking. Especially ones you know you can trust to speak the truth to the best of their ability.  Ok. 30 second commercial over.

In that, I was reading a post on Priscilla Shrier's blog the other day that really hit home for me. It's entitled, So Worth It.  The guest author, Shundria, talks about how much her life's been transformed since becoming a parent. Life isn't just about doing things that are fun for her and her husband. Life's about doing things that are a blessing for her children - her "little kids who fight, leave messes, break things, disobey and are at times unappreciative".  She likened that relationship to the Father's heart. How we can "fight, leave messes, break things, disobey, and are at times unappreciative", but God loves to bless us anyway. The Lord gave up His life, anyway.

I have to admit. My attitude this past week has been pretty awful. With the kids home for the summer, my nice little routine has been mulched by three whirlwind, hyperactive, demanding, fussy kids. My quiet time is not quiet, my house is wrecked, and our budget is strapped because they consume products of all sorts at an unbelievable pace. Not to mention the fact that I have no time for myself or school or even to take a shower because of the constant, 24/7 nagging...

But God arrested my heart. I prayed so many times this week, "God. I can't do this. You have to help me. You have to come through for me. PLEASE." And He did. He always does. But I don't deserve His love, attention, patience, or mercy any more than my kids deserve those things from Kurt and me.
God gives me those things, gave me everything, because He loves me. I'm His girl.

I LOVE my kids. I could probably take a cue from my heavenly Father and extend a little love, attention, patience, and mercy. I could probably afford to be less selfish and resentful and a little more grateful that I get to have this time.

In Luke 9:23, Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I remember singing a song about that as a kid, but that's heavy stuff right there. Christ calls us to a life of selflessness. To deny our own rights, wants, desires, needs, and die to our nature to follow after Him. Christ didn't just ask us to do it arbitrarily. He set the ultimate example.

So, tonight, Kurt and I packed up the kids, towels, swim suits, life jackets, floaties, goggles, flip-flops and sunscreen and went to an overpriced "aquatic center" (swimming pool with a fancy slide) to let the kids blow off some steam on a Saturday evening. And they had a ball. I sat in a chair and observed and cheered, and Kurt played some, coached some, and hit the water slide a time or two. Afterward, we put them back in the car all sopping wet, got some food because they were tired, hungry, and cranky, ate, bathed and put them to bed. It was not about me and Kurt. It was for them. (I wanted to stay at home and watch my favorite series on Netflix.) But you know what? It was so worth it. I'm not even sure they said Thank You in so many words. Nonetheless, they had a blast, and in blessing them, it blessed us.

50th Post!!

It's my 50th post! Which is an appropriate landmark, because I've had kind of a landmark day!

I've been so busy writing for school, that I haven't had much thought or energy for what to write on my blog! As I was in my quiet time today, I was praying about what the topic for this week should be. Nothing really jumped out at me. I've been hammering out several hundred words per day in essays, debate postings, and discussions, so the creative well has been a little bit dry. At the same time, I always feel like I'm neglecting to share all that God is doing when I don't make time to blog. So I keep my heart continually open for what God would have me write.

It has been a goal of mine, ever since coming back from St. Louis, to get rid of some of the negative artifacts of my past life. In talking to a friend who also grew up as a military kid, I realize that I hold onto keep sakes with real tenacity. There were so many times in moving around that I was asked to say goodbye to someone I would never see again. I have a couple of friends from the first fifteen years of my life, but most of the people, places, and things that I treasured from that time are gone. I've also lost quite a bit of memory to the PTSD fog that surrounds the chronic trauma I experienced. In that, journals, knickknacks, jewelry, pictures, and other things become overly important. I become fearful that if I don't hold onto that scrap of paper, the memory of that time will be lost forever. Abbey put it really well when she said, "I just know that my memories don't do it justice". I feel that I need something tangible to hold on to.

There are certain things, however, that are better left in the past. I have written in journals diligently from 1998 to now. Some of those years, particularly between 2006-2009, hold very dark moments of total despair. I wrote things, drew things, and recorded experiences from that time that still hold leverage over me, and God has brought me to a place where I'm ready to let those things go. Not all of it, but certain entries that are the very opposite of life-giving. Hear me: I'm not saying that it's wrong for anyone to keep things that remind them of tough times in life. But for me, at this point, I felt the Lord saying, "It's time to move on".  I have such strong negative associations to certain things that I wrote and drew - things God has already brought me through and out of - that to go back there would just be rehashing things He has already laid to rest.

It's different for everyone. Sometimes, in letting go of a past relationship, we have to get rid of clothing or pictures that remind us of that person. Sometimes, it's getting rid of music or movies that take us to a dangerous place. For me, it was getting rid of certain pieces of jewelry, certain images, and certain journal entries.  I made sure that I was not alone, and I was prayerfully supported. I put on some worship music and started in my sketchbooks, tearing out anything I felt "check" in my spirit.
It was pretty obvious.

Once it was all said and done, I had a small box full of papers I never needed to see again. I wanted to burn them and get rid of them, but living within city limits doesn't allow for back yard bonfires. Somehow, though, I needed those papers destroyed. So the Holy Spirit prompted me to soak them in the tub. As I immersed those records in the water, I watched the ink slide off the page and one of my entire journals just slide out of its binding. I felt like that particular aspect of my past was literally being washed away.

Still not really knowing what to think or feel, I heard the Lord speak to me the phrase, "letting go of the former things..."  I looked up the reference in my concordance, and I found this in the Message Version of my Bible.

"You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything - and I do mean everything - connected with that old way of life has to go.  It's rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life - a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you."  Ephesians 4:20-24 (The Message)

Thank You, God, that you have given me an entirely new way of life, and that You've given me the grace to get ride of the old things. It's been quite a journey, and I know You're not finished with me yet.
I am so excited for what is to come. I know You have great and wonderful plans in store for those of us who call ourselves Yours.

the nature of obdience

Abbey and I had an awesome conversation today about the nature of obedience, so I've asked her to contribute to the blog! Thought you all might enjoy a different perspective for a change. Enjoy!

 "Over the last two years, I've had a pretty major revelation that has shifted my entire relationship with Jesus. I've always had a personal relationship with Christ, felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and understood Biblical Truth, but I still stumbled and fell and didn't know why. I saw people all of the time that I knew were solid Christians and believed the same things I did, but they kept doing wrong and making choices that hurt them. I couldn't figure out why my foundational beliefs didn't stick. I used to have a list of 'I will never...', but when it came down to it, it didn't hold up. I knew better. I knew how wrong it was. Why did I backslide? Why couldn't I hold on to what I believed?


  So today Emily and I were having this awesome conversation that ended in this huge revelation, which happens a lot. We were talking about how a strength in our relationship is that we are able to bring issues to each others' attention and be honest with one another without the fear of offending the other person. Emily was talking about how her stomach hurt (again), and I said, "Maybe it's because you're lactose intolerant. Maybe you shouldn't be drinking milk." 
  It got us talking about how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who will not allow you to hold them accountable. Emily just takes the suggestions I give her and assimilates them into the way she looks at things. And I do the same. She doesn't go off into this defensive, victim-mentality place where she justifies why she has to drink milk, all the reasons that giving up milk would be impossible, and how unfair it is that she can't have it. And she doesn't swing to the other side where we're sitting in a restaurant and the waitress comes up and asks her if she wants a milkshake for desert, and she says no because she doesn't want to make me mad. It's not co-dependent in the way that she's choosing to abstain from milk because she's afraid of how I'll judge her. She handles my input like an adult because we're friends. We have a fairly healthy relationship, and she knows that I don't want her to be sick. So she is able to take that and make her own decisions based on what she knows will be ultimately best for her. And if she choses to drink milk and be sick, she's ready to deal with the consequences. 
  
  I realized that on a grander scale, that's what shifted in my relationship with God. I began to pursue His heart and started to ask Him where I fit in the story. Who am I to him - me personally, Abbey. In a healthy, functional relationship vs. a dysfunctional relationship, you care about that person and you know they care about you. So when they bring something to your attention it's not from a place of guilting and lording over you, it's from a place of genuine care for your well-being. As I got closer to God's heart, I started to understand His motivations for the guidelines He has placed in my life. I had never had a revelation of God's heart for me, so my convictions didn't stand up. They were based out of a 'not wanting to make God mad... mostly'.  And it went both ways. As I saw that God's law and the way that He operates are out of place of wanting what is best for my personal well-being - that it is good intentioned, like a great friend - I began to obey out of a motivation of not wanting to hurt His heart. Because I kind of dig Him. And He has shown me so much Grace over and over, even when I've made mistakes, even when I've taken my own road. He's not asking me to prove anything, it's all about true, unconditional love. And that's a solid motivation for doing the right thing. My convictions are unshakeable because I understand how He works. The 'why' behind everything.


  So Emily thought that was cool and asked me to write about the differences between the unsteady 'Bible-school-answer' convictions I had before and the rock solid things that motivate my life now. What was missing was understanding God's heart. You can have rules and regulations, truth and even Holy Spirit conviction, but if you don't understand God's heart and who He is, then it won't hold up under pressure.


-abbEy out"

mouths of babes

Today was incredibly hard. I'd list out the where and what of it, but I'll spare the details. My husband is out of town doing what he is meant to do, and that left me at home with the three littles all day yesterday and today. I figured it would be no big deal. Kurt handled them all by himself with no problem while I was gone! Yesterday went alright, save the visit to the ER, but today was a whole new game. The kids just started pushing and pushing until I was at a brittle snapping point. They, like all children, know exactly where my buttons are, how to push them, and how long. Thank God they sleep at night.

At one point today, my son Alex was in his room crying. We'd had another blow out where all three kids needed to be separated lest one stab the other with a pencil, break a CD, or save over the final level of Lego Star Wars. They just could not get along today! I had retreated to my bathroom to pull my hair out, and I heard Alex come around the corner, huffing and hiccuping from the crying.
He grabbed his hair, tipped his head to the side and said, "Mommy, I feel like God and Satan are at war inside my head."
I was knocked back by his ability to grasp this profound concept. I pulled him close to me and I assured him that God in him is so much bigger than Satan out there. And in reassuring him, I found myself comforted as well.  We went to the Bible to look up some verses. I want the kids to know that most of what I say isn't just some arbitrary thing I made up. They believe fully that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. There's something concrete in being able to show them ink on paper.

I had Alex read this passage aloud,
James 4:7 "So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time." (The Message)

We prayed together... simply, powerfully. "God, I say yes to you. Devil I say no! In the name of Jesus, Amen."   Somehow hearing those words come from the mouth of an eight year old boy, I feel that heaven and hell must have shook. The spiritual ramifications of my young son's willingness to stand in his God-given authority are beyond my comprehension.

I went on to show him Romans 7:21-25 (the pages in my Bible are all crinkly now from his tears)
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, Sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all of my heart and mind, but am pulled away by the influence of sin to do something totally different"

It goes on to talk about a "new power in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air..."

We pondered this for a little while and I said, "Alex, you know, God sent Jesus so that you don't have to worry about that fight inside of you. God is so much stronger."

Alex grinned at me and started singing...
"He is stronger. He is stronger.
Sin is broken, He has saved me.
It is written, 'Christ is risen'.
Jesus you are Lord of all."

Thank you God, for speaking to me through my precious son. I needed that today. Hopefully it blesses you as well.
Here's a recording of Alex singing that little chorus. (Sorry the icon's so huge!)

Go To FileFactory.com

my scars or his?

I was looking at my arms this morning. They carry the scars of the times I tried to "do it myself". I thought about posting a picture, but I remember the gridlock of my battle with the addiction of self-injury, and I do not want to cause anyone to struggle.
Every time I look at them, though, I remember the failed attempts to control, manipulate, and survive this gift of life. Everyone carries scars from the times in their lives that they tried to handle things their own way instead of His way. I don't know that I'd go so far as to call it a "privilege" to carry my scars on my physical body, but it sure is easy to notice. Although, it wouldn't take much soul-searching to find the "hidden" scars as well.

This morning, I woke up to an amazing string of text messages from a friend of mine. They spoke life, authority, support, and encouragements into my circumstances. The thing is, I know that those words didn't just come from her. I know she would agree that they came from the heart of my Father God. One of her last statements was, "you are surely on the heart of God today!"

My husband was getting ready to go out of town for the weekend to help lead worship for our church's youth group retreat. Meanwhile, he's telling me about our son, Alex, who woke up at 5:30 this morning with a very high fever. At the same time, we're getting Isaac off to school and trying to arrange rides for my daughter, Annabelle, to go with her best friend to swimming lessons. It was a whirlwind from just before 8am until just before 10am.  But as the dust settles, and I'm alone in the house with my sleeping son, I am brought to my knees by the simple statement, "you are surely on the heart of God today!"

What? Who am I? I'm one of billions... just trying to live out my life with a heart postured toward Christ. But He reached out to me through this dear friend, knowing that I needed to hear from Him now more than ever. And it's not just her... God speaks to me through so many people all of the time. I just have to be attuned to the tone of His voice.

Oh God, I don't want to do this by myself. I'm responding to your invitation to stand strong in the waterfall of your Grace. Take the lead. I surrender to your magnificence. You have the power to make the sick well, to raise the dead, to forgive sins, and to move the hearts of kings, nations, and mountains. I am nothing without you. I don't want any more scars. I want to do it your way - completely. Lead on, Holy Spirit. I will follow you.


"Remember how you were when you didn't know God, led from one phony god to another, never knowing what you were doing, just doing it because everybody else did it? It's different in this life.  God wants us to use our intelligence, to seek to understand as well as we can.  For instance, by using your heads, you know perfectly well that the Spirit of God would never prompt anyone to say "Jesus be damned!" Nor would anyone be inclined to say "Jesus is Master!" without the insight of the Holy Spirit."  - 1 Corinthians 12: 2-3 (The Message)

"Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them -- living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life...  This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life.  It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children." - Romans 8:5-7, 15-16 (The Message)

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out." - Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

the perfect prayer

I've been thinking about prayer this week, and how much my prayers have changed as I've grown closer to the One I love. Both in Trinity's (@ trinityomaha) Sunday morning service last week and in Hearts (@heartsomaha) this past Tuesday, we've been discussing the concept of going from "familiar" to "follower".
Thank God we live in the US, where we have the liberty to become as "familiar" with Christianity as we like! We are free to attend the church of our choosing on any given day of the week, we are free to openly discuss religion at Starbucks or Village Inn, and we are free to read a Bible, or the Koran, or the Communist Manifesto. We have freedom to familiarize ourselves with whatever ideology we please. And I'm grateful for that! I believe that God intends for us to seek Him, not have Him forced upon us by a government.

But I came to a point where familiar was suffocating, and "civilized religion" (as Erwin McManus calls it) became a cage. It was placid and static and life-stealing. I was surrounded by hypocrisy and noise.  Eventually, I just tuned it out and let it blend into the background, like a bad commercial or paid programming. It wasn't until I became so desperate for God - so barbaric in my need for Him - that my relationship moved from "familiar" to "follower".  At the time, I didn't fully realize that it was God I was searching for, but I was uncontrolled inside, like an animal clawing for something with a frenzied desperation. It was a hunger that drove me to one hundred different ends, but eventually, I found what I was looking for. Well, I should say, He found me.

I don't know what the journey from "familiar" to "follower" looks like for others. I feel like God has to be kinda loud with me because I can be so strong-headed. :) But I was thinking about how all of this related to prayer. I used to say to God what I thought He wanted to hear. Now please understand me, I believe there are many occasions where we use another's words in a prayer in an act of reverence or to be guided when we don't know what to say. In corporate prayer, especially, there must be thought and theology applied. I'm talking about personal, "prayer closet" time.  Sometimes, on those occasions, our hearts need to cry out from the core of our beings and our minds need to take a break while the Holy Spirit inside of us intercedes.

If I was upset, I'd dumb things down in talking to God. I'd go through the ACTS model and make sure that I adored, confessed, and thanked before getting down to what I really felt. And usually, by the time I got to the supplication part, I felt stupid for asking anyway. This was, of course, because I was in the land of the familiar. I didn't understand who God is or how He sees me.

I am not a theologian or a Bible scholar. I don't claim to know much more than anything at all! But I'm looking at today's scripture and this verse rips my heart out:

Matthew 27: 45-46
"From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?" -- which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" 

The commentary in my amazing Study Bible is strangely quiet about this. For good reason. I've heard many, many sermons preached on these two verses. I don't claim to have the "right" answers to this weighty passage. Here's what I do know: Jesus lived and died and never sinned.   (1 Peter 2:22)  Regardless of the multi-layered implications of this final, audible prayer of Jesus Christ, we know that He was not found "guilty" in screaming this from the cross.

Without going deeper, here is my one thought... Can we be so candid with our God?  I, unlike Jesus Christ, am a sinner. I know it, God knows it, the world knows it! So why am I so afraid to say the "wrong" thing to God? He knows my heart - he knows my thoughts. Can't I just be honest? Because sometimes, when life hurts the most, or I am the most troubled or confused, I don't want to ask for peace and wisdom and favor. I want to ask the impossible questions like Christ did on the cross. Regardless of whether the premise of my prayer lines up with the doctrine I hold fast to be true, if it's what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment, I am not allowing God entry into my reality if I am not willing to be honest.

In my journey from "familiar" to "follower", I noticed that my prayers (for the most part, not ALL of them) went from "let these gifts to us be blessed" to "Abba... thank you. Abba... help me. God, WHY?" And it opened up a world of conversation that I never knew existed.
He already knows. He does. The only person I was conning was myself.

What is your perfect prayer?

tell me what to do

I want to share my heart a little bit. God's been dealing with me in a lot of areas, and I've been mulling over a lot of things inside... heartaches and dreams, passions and duties, frustration, hope, the future, the past...
I'm an introvert by nature. God designed me to be pretty introspective and satisfied to be alone. Conversely, He also created me to be input oriented. I learn when I teach. I'm a "sounding board" person. Expressing ideas aloud helps me sort them out in my mind. I'm also very interested in gathering a lot of information on from a variety of sources and integrating them into an opinion before I make a decision.

Kurt and I have had some decisions to make, lately. Some revolve around our seven-year old son, Isaac. He was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, and has been desperately struggling with school and behavior at home.  Over the past year, we've watched him go from a happy kid excited about school, to one fearful, anxious, and ashamed a great deal of the time. Part of that, I know, is due to the instability in his life because of all that I had to deal with in my personal life. But part of it may be bio-chemical. Either way, he needs more help than Kurt or I can offer at this point.

Having described my temperament a little bit, my tendency has been to talk to a bunch of people, consult several "experts", take him to a couple of different doctors, read several books and articles, and then decide with Kurt our course of action.  It's really easy for me to leave God out of the equation completely.  Except that my heart is bursting for my son. It is devastating to see him hurt and struggle. And in order for me to be able to be strong for my boy, I have to lean hard into the One who will never fail us: Isaac's Creator, who knows Isaac better than I could ever dream to. So we've been praying and praying for God's will in this - calling out to Him for His wisdom, because He promises wisdom to anyone who asks for it.  Even though we're still getting conflicting opinions on the best way to proceed, I feel like we're on the right track, and we'll continue to go one step at a time.

Today's passage in Matthew really stood out to me:

Matthew 23:9 in the Message:
"Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do.  Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do."

We are begging God for humility in this. For the patience to let Him lead. So, for me, instead of taking all of this information I'm gathering about ADHD treatment options and assimilating it in my mind, I'm gathering information and presenting it before God saying, "Please, Father, show me what to do."
Sometimes I have to step away entirely and just love on my little boy, as hard as that can be.
This is a real faith walk for me, I have to be honest. It's one thing when I am the one suffering, but it's a faith-shaker to watch my child suffer. I want God to fix it NOW. I want everything to be OK NOW. But I trust in our God. I trust His plan, His purposes, and His timing. And I trust that He will give the grace to each member of our family exactly as we need it, and that He will give wisdom to those we are trusting to help us through this.

Keep us in your prayers. God is good, all the time. Even when it hurts.

runaway dog

You know, I read the passages for today and nothing really jumped out at me, and I thought, "Wow, am I just not hearing from God? I'm not feeling anything..." Then God spoke. LOL
"So, it's about feelings, is it?"
Which is the same thing He said to me yesterday.

I am so emotional! I probably feel 30 different things in as many seconds. I know that my husband couldn't conceive of processing that level of brain activity, but I - being a woman - can't conceive of anything less.
I was completely subject to my feelings until this past year, when I learned that I get to decide with my will how my life will play out. My emotions are indicators, but they are not the boss of me. (insert 2nd grade playground noises)

I was challenged by my mentor to "give my emotions over to God". It was a terrifying proposition. My growing-up taught me that emotions weren't to be expressed or shared, but rather stuffed neatly away in the deep recesses of my mind. Then, when the dam did finally break, they poured out of me with a ferocity that lead me straight into lock-up.
Where is that fine line? I thought I only knew "on" or "off".  (when in reality, they were always on... it was just whether I chose to acknowledge and appropriately express them)
I was struggling greatly with this concept of letting God lead me in the emotional realm.

Genesis 1:26 says "God spoke, 'Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature..."
The Bible is full of places that talk of a God of love, moved by compassion, stirred into a jealous anger, grieved by our disobedience. Jesus, being human, experienced every human emotion we do. (and more)
Hebrews 4:15 says "We don't have a priest (meaning Jesus) who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin."

God made me human, in HIS image, and gave me these weirdo control freak emotions, and somehow He wants to be a part of ALL of me.
I love the Message translation of Matthew 22:37-40 "Jesus said, 'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence'"

How? I won't go into it, but 2 Thessalonians 2:13 talks about the "sanctifying work of the Spirit", meaning basically that God, by the Holy Spirit, wants to make every part of the believer into the nature of Jesus Christ. He wants to take my emotions and make them like Jesus' - He wants me to experience and express my emotions, all the while glorifying God.
Ya right.

In my mind, I saw myself walking this huge, out of control black lab. The thing was dragging me down the sidewalk and I was pulling back on the leash with all of my might, just trying to stay on my feet. Somewhere, someone said, "Let go! Just let go!" So, I did! And the dog darted away from me, jumping and barking and biting and tearing apart the neighbors' gardens.
Then, I saw myself walking the same, out of control black lab.  This time, my heavenly Father was walking next to me. I was still pulling back on the leash with my arm nearly ripping out of socket. My Father said to me, "Let go. Just let go." And He placed his hands over mine and took the leash. I let go. Immediately, with an authority only a Father carries, he said, "Heel!" And the dog calmed, stop tugging at the leash, and came to His side.
In both instances I had "let go". But in giving God the leash, the dog did not destroy anything. On the contrary, it actually calmed in the Father's hands.

Every day I have to choose to let God be Lord of my emotions. I have to say, "God! I'm feeling so angry right now I don't know what to do! Please help me. I can't carry this by myself."  Sometimes He answers with insight, sometimes with peace, and sometimes with an intervention by someone He sends my way.
He already knows my heart. There is nothing secret to Him. If I'm cussing in my mind, I might as well cuss in my prayer. It's not going to shock Him.  And as I allow Him to carry the excess and "sanctify" my emotions, I become less frantic and extreme and learn to walk in the safety of His peace.
This is a daily lesson for me.

How is it going for you?

grace is enough

My counselor at Mercy was big on the phrase, "Be sick like an adult". Identify what my needs are, express them and get them met, and then stop whining. Yeah. I'm only partly winning. After eight days of random symptoms, low grade fevers, and extreme fatigue, I decided to finally go to the doctor this morning. Everything looks great except that my lymph nodes are swollen. She said I'm definitely fighting off something, but she suspects it's viral and that I should feel much better in the next 2-3 days.
They ran a CBC and a Blood Chem just to make sure every thing's copacetic.

As much as I've given my best effort to continue with life as normal even though I'm so tired and achy that all I desire is my bed, It's super frustrating to be "under the weather". But I'm learning more and more to watch the thoughts that assault my lil tired mind.
Our Psalm for today in Psalm 19:14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer". 
That's all well and good, but how?  2 Corinthians 10:4-5  "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
The Message Bible writes "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ." (emphasis mine)

I gotta admit. The last thing I've wanted to do over the past couple of days is study the Bible. My flesh is screaming, "OUCH! SLEEP!"  And I definitely don't want to over-spiritualize things. I'm an etherial being living in a concrete world. (that sounded like a Madonna song) It makes no sense to forfeit our present, natural reality completely... hence, my visit to the doctor this morning! But I also know that there is more to this life than what we can see.
So, while my body does its work to fight off this virus of sorts, it is my responsibility to keep my mind fixed on things above. To do my part in the Spiritual sense so that I stay on top of the real battle. That battle is in my mind.
Speaking the Word aloud - quoting scriptures - just hearing them come out of my own mouth builds my faith. Praying in honesty and reading the Bible, even when it seems to make little to no sense. It's going in, and the Holy Spirit is doing a work whether I see immediate results or not.
I'm sharing this because I needed the kick in the butt I got from God this morning. No time is wasted unless I allow it. And just because I feel icky doesn't mean that I have the right to remain idle in my quest for Him.
I sound really holy, huh? :) heh.  Yeah, I'm going to finish this blog, finish my Bible reading, pray and take a nap. Shield of faith up, sword of the spirit armed and ready. God, you gotta do the rest.

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

to be or not to be...

In these precious few quiet moments at home, I find myself battling apathy and even the blues, scrambling for motivation in the simple things. Not feeling well yesterday has set me behind in a way only moms and housekeepers will understand. ;)  Speaking of which, I'm looking for a free nanny/housekeeper. Just, you know, an extra couple of hands and some initiative. Apply today at emily.c.wagoner@gmail.com. No pay or benefits.

(That's so funny... I realize in posting this that I've been giving my wrong email address to everyone! hahaha)

Anyway, it's times like this when I'm faced with the decision.
Deuteronomy 30:19 "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God."

I've already made "THE" decision. I've already chosen a team. But I think we are faced every day with decisions that, taken to their logical conclusion, will either breed life or death. Sometimes they're obviously big decisions - like whom to marry and when, whether or not to invest money in this or that... decisions that will affect our future in tangible ways: where we will live, career, kids, finances, marriage, our own health and life.

But often times it's the little things we have to be conscious of. I think we are called to make moment-to-moment decisions that have a greater impact on our future than we realize.

Today in Bible Study @heartsomaha, Dr. Deb talked about Rebekah of Genesis 24.
Genesis 24 recounts the story of the hunt for the bride of Isaac, the promise of the future nation of Israel. It would be through Isaac and his wife that the promises God made to Abraham would be fulfilled. So, obviously, the selection process was fairly intense!
Rebekah was minding her own business one evening when she saw a man near a well with a bunch of camels. She gave a drink of water to the man, but then she offered to water the camels as well.
"After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking." Genesis 24:19

It doesn't seem like that big a decision, but that single choice landed her smack in the middle of God's Epic story and gained her a spot in the bloodline of Jesus the Messiah. (Read the whole story when you have a chance, it's awesome. BibleGateway)

My point is, choices matter. And most don't seem like a matter of life and death. But in the little things, even, I want to be in tune to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit that answers, "Is this life-giving? Or not so much?" And don't get me wrong. I don't choose to read my Bible over TV every time... that's not what I'm saying. Sometimes the most Holy thing we can do is take a nap. (Abbey) ;)
Just be aware, is all. Be choice-conscious.

How have you seen a "small" decision play out largely in your life?

Religion or Relationship?

Matthew 22:15 - 24:31

Israel and the Jewish people have such a rich and profound cultural heritage that I love to study.  To be an upstanding Jew of faith, one had to follow a very lengthy, very specific set of laws put in place by God to keep the eyes of His people on Him. But Paul, a religious guru in his day, writes a lot about the law, regularly taking the stand that the Grace brought by Christ sets us free from the demands of a legalistic religion.
Galatians 5:18 "But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law."

Do a word study at Bible Gateway on "the law", or "the covenant". It's mind-boggling to think that in order to close the gap between man's sin and God, the Jewish people had to take such extreme measures.

Jesus was raised in a Jewish family. His early life was recorded to have followed all of the traditions of his religious heritage. But Jesus also knew that He had come as a fulfillment to the law. He knew that He was led by the Spirit of God, and that after His final atonement, the rift between God and Man would be closed.  He came to proclaim God's kingdom come to Earth by grace. In that, He attempts to shift peoples' focuses from religion to relationship.


In Matthew 22:23-33, Matthew records a time when some religious scholars attempt to trick Jesus into saying something that would justify His death.  They ask Him an inane and complicated question about how the law operates in the after-life. I don't understand very much about this "Sadducee" sect, but it looks like they don't even believe in an after-life!
Jesus' answer is awesome. "You're off base on two counts: You don't know your Bibles, and you don't know how God works." (The Message)

I give all of that back-story to make this point:

It's so easy to get caught up in these ridiculous justifications of the Bible. To find ourselves arguing semantics and comparing inconsistencies, when we really don't "know our Bible".
We have a responsibility as Christians to get to know our Bibles.  Like, REALLY, know. Cover to cover.  And not what some theology prof says, or some preacher/teacher, or some random mom with a blog ;), but what the Holy Spirit reveals to us individually as we dig in. I want to get to know my Bible with an open heart, expecting God to do something great in my life as I draw closer to Him. Even if I've read the same passage 50 times, the Holy Spirit can always teach me something new. The Word of God is living and active. It's more than words on a page, it's the breath of God.

I think sometimes, too, we find ourselves demanding answers from God. A self-proclaimed atheist once asked me, "If God is all powerful, could God make a rock so big that He couldn't move it?" (I know he read it somewhere) First of all, if he didn't believe in God, then his question was irrelevant. Duh.  Secondly, "he doesn't know how God works".
I think my two biggest questions have been "WHY?" and "WHEN?" And asking questions in the context of relationship is fine! It's healthy! But when asked in sarcastic skepticism... "Well, if God's so great, then why do horrible things happen to good people?"... the real issue is that "we don't know how God works." We don't have a relationship, yet, where we can hear the heartbeat of God. Hear His tone of voice when He speaks. We don't know His method or His character.
If someone came up to me and said, "Your husband stole $50 from me."  I'd be like, "No way. He wouldn't do that. (It's not in his character to behave that way)".  If they insisted and pushed and seemed completely convinced, I would probably respond with something to the effect of "I'm certain there's an explanation for all of this. Let's talk to him about it." I know my husband. We are intimately acquainted.  Sometimes our toughest questions can be answered by understanding how God works.

And most importantly, when we think we know our Bible and how God works, but the answers still elude, that is where faith comes in. I don't know all of the answers. (of course!) But I know my God is good. And I know that in the end... the real end... every thing's going to be alright.

New Wineskins

We spent the Thursday and Friday at the local Holiday Inn and CoCo Keys, and our WiFi connection was sketch at best. Since I have a tendency to be loquacious, I was having a hard time getting a full blog post together before I lost service. Tragic.  Maybe I should concentrate on being more concise. :) hehe

We had a wonderful time - especially for what we paid. I'm finding that, for me, I have to break "old programs". I got the opportunity to really get away from everything and spend a good amount of time thinking, praying, writing, reading, absorbing, talking, and learning. And in that, I was completely transformed. Omaha, however, remained stoically the same. Some mornings, when I wake up and see the same wall that I stared at for two years of barely being able to get out of bed, I lose myself in what was. In my sleepy stupor, I forget that I've been remade. I came back a square peg to a round hole, but the atmosphere threatens to round out my edges.

So I've been working on really pressing in to God and trusting Him to walk me through this transition. I'm holding on to His promises, to His Word, and to His unfailing love for me. Sometimes, it means changing up the program. Rearranging my bedroom, creating a different atmosphere with music or the strategic placement of a comfy chair. Sometimes it means getting out of the house entirely after 3 weeks of being snowed in and spending a little money on a hotel room and an indoor water park.
That way, I'm making new memories to override the old ones. Following God down new paths that haven't quite gotten worn in yet.
For now, the decisions are so deliberate. My default is the well worn groove of old habits. Hopefully, though, sooner than later, the decisions will come more naturally, and my default will be positive, proactive, and life-giving. Time will tell. But God is faithful. I know He didn't walk with me through seven months of living in St. Louis just to drop me off at the corner in Omaha.  The great thing about giving all I have to an omnipresent God, is that He is able to follow through on His promise to never leave me, never forsake me.

"You make all things new, you yes you make all things new. And I will follow You forward." - Israel Houghton  (Power of One)

Storms and Snowdrifts

Matthew 14:13 - 16:28

Can I just pause for a moment on this simple, very profound example of Christ? 'Cuz I need to hear it.

Leading up to today's passages, in Matthew 14:1-12, the story talks about the be-heading of John the Baptist.   John and Jesus Christ were cousins.

Heading over to Luke 1:41, Luke records that "When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit."(Mary was the mother of Jesus, and Elizabeth was the mother of John the Baptist)
John recognized Jesus in utero and was filled with joy.
In Matthew 3:13-17, John finally baptized Jesus after acknowledging Christ's authority and purpose on Earth. Then, in Matthew 11:11, Jesus recognized the great old-covenant power of John's commission. (He also recognized the new, more powerful authority in the new-covenant).

I say all of that to say that John and Jesus were not only cousins, they were friends, and they respected one another greatly. So, when Jesus got news that John had been executed, he was deeply grieved.
This is the great example I mentioned:
Matthew 14:13  "When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.  Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns.  When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

1. He got alone. He let himself feel. He took some time out. He grieved. He probably prayed, and cried, asked tough questions, and questioned himself. Why didn't God tell Him to go get John out of jail? Whey didn't God continue to intervene in Harod's attitude? Were more people going to die because of Him? How many?   He was a person, just like me. Same emotions, same vulnerabilities, same enemy.

2. The crowds had zero regard for His loss. When catastrophe strikes, I think what hurts the most is that the world continues to spin as if everything is OK.  When I lost my dad, had a miscarriage, and any other number of life-shaking events, I wanted time to stop so that I could gather myself. But the world kept going. The calendar kept changing dates. Jobs still needed to be done, kids still needed to be cared for, groceries bought... And yes, people definitely stepped in and helped out! But sometimes, people are ready to stop helping long before my heart stops hurting.

3. (And this is what I need constant grace for)  When He saw the crowds, even though they were stalking him to get, get, get from him... He had compassion for them (all 5000) and healed their sick.  He grieved, prayed, and gave himself away some more. Probably no less in pain, but regardless, reached out, got beyond himself, and served.

That, for me, is what separates those who will be used by God, and those who have some more growing up to do. And I am absolutely speaking to myself. When I get overwhelmed... even in little things, like TODAY. And the kids are all stuck indoors at my house for almost a solid 3 weeks now, and we're all ready to kill each other, and the food I bought isn't lasting as long, and I'm hormonal, and I don't have time to read the Word or talk to my friends because every time I get 5 minutes, there's another explosion somewhere.... All I want to do is retreat into my room, pull the covers over my head and quit. Sleep. Revert.
But the example that Christ sets is, I need to go to my room, pray, cry, get settled with God, and get up, don't harden my heart, but have compassion. Serve my family. Get out of myself. And in that obedience there is blessing. Hopefully, the choice to move past pain will become easier the more I practice. :)

Thoughts?