the gift of receiving

I am constantly humbled by God's crazy love. And I'm constantly convicted by my apparent lack of ability to receive. I wish I could say that by some noble mark of humility, I have found myself in a position more comfortable with giving, but the truth is, I've forgotten how to receive.

My kids have no problem receiving. Kids are spongy in ways that make sponges look inferior. My three expect to be given things. They expect that their needs will be met, that there will always be an overflow of abundance, and that their hands will always be full. In handing a sweet treat to my little girl, I have never heard the words, "No, thank you. I don't need that, momma." But how many times do I hold up my hand and look at the ground and say, "I'm fine, thanks. I don't need that, Lord."





Before jumping to the conclusion that I am insane, think back on the times we couldn't forgive ourselves. I've made a mistake, and even though I'm broken with the pain of regret, I refuse to be comforted. I deserved this. I shouldn't have... I wish I would have...I can't believe that I... And God is standing with His forgiveness wrapped up in a golden ribbon, waiting.
The times I didn't rest when I should have. When I was lead to those green pastures, but I shook my head and kept on walking. When I collapsed on craggy rock, frustrated with God for my lack of energy after He had offered respite but I refused.
The times He poured out love on me - tangible, thick, and more than I deserved. But my heart was guarded and afraid to feel, because I've been hurt so many, many times. So the waterfall of grace rolled off of my back, and I stood numbly reaching, but never receiving. 

I get uncomfortable when I am complimented "too much". I shake my hand and turn down "Thanks" with "No need to thank me" instead of a gracious "You're welcome!" Am I always the first to pull away from a hug? Why am I so afraid to be loved?

Of course, there is always the flip side. The wealth of things I have received and never given thanks for - things I have taken for granted. But it's the love, for me. It's the things that speak, "I'm here. You're Ok. I love you. I delight in you." (He whispers these things to you, as well.) These are the things that meet a weathered wall, and I must somehow choose to be vulnerable to pain in order to receive the love that heals it. 

I find myself wrapped up in the arms that hold no conditions. Sweet words sung over me, sweet whispers of promises I want so badly to believe. At first, I'm tense, because I'm sure this feeling will end and be followed by immense loneliness. I won't be fooled, I've been betrayed before. But the arms remain far past my comfort zone- into eternity -so I dare to relax a bit and then rest. I'm praying there is safety here - praying to the only One who will never, ever disappoint.

acrylic pastels by abbEy

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."  - Zephaniah 3:17


"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

times they are a changin

Change is difficult. 
Even when the changes are positive, the very fact of difference is a challenge to cope with. I used to get angry with myself for my apparent weakness and lack of adaptability. I've found, though, that God has created us for stability. Made in the image of Him, who is the same beyond time, we have a glimmer of the unchangeable One in our makeup.

Our family moved this past weekend. There were so many reasons to move on, most practically that we had simply outgrown it. For some reason, the boys continue to get taller and my daughter seems to acquire "stuff" at a rate I doubt the Roman Conquest ever saw. My husband and I are coming into our... thirties... we need our space. We can't live in dorm-sized accommodations like those college kids. It's exhausting! Regardless, we prayed and waited and planned to move for about six months (which seemed like so much longer), and finally, God brought us to the house He had in mind for us.

We love it. It boasts an additional bedroom and a great rec space for the kids so that the adults can stake our claim in a crumb-free zone. (we'll see how long it stays that way) It's a peaceful place, and for the first time in my adult life minus one year, I do not have to share a wall with any neighboring residents. The kids are released to be the free-range chaos they were intended to be without fear of hushing. My husband finally has the office he has long deserved.

Change, though, is hard! As I watched my pasta over cook, I had my husband running to the van to see if he could find the box with our colander in it. I can't find the light switches, and I have this strange sensation that I ought to be wearing flip-flops in the shower. We live in a different part of town, so I'm unfamiliar with the local grocery store or the fastest route to school. I had to switch Walgreens, which just makes me feel like I'm cheating on my old one! Even the kids, as adaptable as they are, are stretching for a full night's sleep with all of the new noises to wake them.

As a child, I relied on predictability for survival. Anyone who has grown up in the throws of violence understands the over-trained ability to read body language and mood shifts in the room. If I knew what was coming, even if it was painful, I could at least prepare. Some of my most terrifying memories from childhood involve being caught off guard in one way or another. I still live most days in a state of hyper-awareness. I sense shifts in atmosphere like a deer with a flickering tail, ever ready to bolt at the first sign of danger. And, of course, it affects my spiritual outlook.

We all inherently associate God with our primary childhood guardians. I had read about the Lord who turned women into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and ruined cities and made fish eat people. I paralleled God with an angry, impulsive, vindictive man - but I was comfortable with that. I knew how to deal with His sort. All I had to do to survive was figure out what pleased Him and made Him angry, and then be sure to do the right things so as to stay in His good graces. Problem is, God's standards are impossibly high.

I had also read about a loving, steadfast, and faithful Father. Oddly, I was less comfortable with this image than the former. I couldn't sort out the dichotomy I saw in destruction and protection, and this seeming changeability made God frighteningly unpredictable. Verses about God's unchanging nature made no sense. Was He just predictably unpredictable?

I had failed to grasp the simple fact that God is not a man. God is LOVE. Not as a descriptor, but as an essential to who He is. I came to know the true heart of God, learning to discard the fears of my past and let go of my false assumptions. See, God is not made in the image of man. He is not a reflection of our nature. We are a reflection of HIS. I had to toss aside everything that I thought I understood about how to approach the throne and trust. God is not to be figured out, but to be believed. Somehow, I had to take Him at His word and hear His heart.

I am finding a truly unchangeable Father. He is not only good, He is always good. He is not only loving, He is always loving.

There are so many changeable things in this world. Life is a breath. Nothing is truly predictable. Change, even of the good kind, happens every single day. And Change is hard. But circumstances to do not change who He is. Through pain and loss and fear and heartache and victory and laughter, God is and always will be the pure, sweet Truth.

God is the rock that we can cling to in the chaos. In the tossing waves and shifting sand, He is the same. There is safety in stability in knowing that when the world falls apart around us, we can look into the eyes of a God who regards us with unwavering adoration. Gone are the days of trembling before the doorknob, terrified to reach out because I did not know what I would get. There is so much comfort in knowing that every, single time I approach the throne of Grace, I will meet the same Lord with the same open arms. Every time.

I sit in my chair in my new house and lean upon the One who remains The Same despite the geographic shift. I pray the protection of The Same over my kids in their new rooms. I trust in The Same traveling down new roads of every kind. Thank God, because I don't want to be afraid any more. 

"You laid earths' foundations a long time ago, and handcrafted the very heavens; You'll still be around when they're long gone, threadbare and discarded like an old suit of clothes. You'll throw them away like a worn-out coat, but year after year you're good as new.  Your servant's children will have a good place to live and their children will be at home with you." (Psalm 102:27, The Message)


"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17, NIV)

always learning

Sometimes the past becomes very present. Because I still live in the same area where so many difficult things happened, I'm still prone to attempts by others to lure me back into that old way of life. Those who like to control others are not fond of losing control. As difficult as it has been for me to break free, it is more difficult for some (especially the Enemy) to let go. But God is so much bigger than any devil, man, or circumstance, past - present - and future.

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6, NIV



I am learning to walk on new legs of Victory and Faith, and while my legs may wobble and even collapse at times, God is always faithful to pick me up again.  (In this illustration, God is Thumper from Disney's Bambi... but I think that's Ok...)





I wanted to share a couple of the things that God is revealing to me, because it is times like these - the harder times - that the true power of Christ shines through. Christianity, unlike any other religion on the planet, not only offers an explanation for suffering; it offers true, unparalleled hope in the midst.

I'm not a huge fan of uncomfortable feelings. Which, I suppose, by definition makes them uncomfortable. As soon as I find myself experiencing something unpleasant inside of me, I immediately want it gone. In the past, I would try to push the feelings away with substances, self harm, or emotional numbing. Even now, I try to push the feelings away by distracting myself with inane things, or demanding that God immediately rectify the situation. I find myself getting frustrated with God when He doesn't swoop down in the way I want Him to in the timing I want Him to and fix everything. A lot of those emotions are born of a legitimate fear that the discomfort will persist for a very, very long time. Spending the formative years of my life in a state of perpetual fear gave me the impression that feelings, once felt, linger for intolerably long periods of time.

God is teaching me that life is different now. He is showing me little crevices that I can slip into to weather out the storm. I am learning to trust that feelings are temporary, and even the feelings that don't seem temporary are bearable with God's help. Understand that I have heard this all before. "The sun will come out, TOMORROW!" But when the blackness lingers past what I felt I could tolerate, I created my own little sun in my own little way to try to push the darkness back. I had to get my hands on some real truth - some truth that would sustain me through anything.

Sometimes, I find it helpful to read the Psalms aloud. Psalm 118 above, Psalm 91, Psalm 31, and Psalm 23 are great places to start. They are honesty, born out of trial, that express the human condition without apology, but also point to the One who is able.
Music is another way that I fill myself with truth. Kari Jobe, Brooke Fraiser, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Matt Redman, Hillsong, Gateway, and Desperation Band all have amazingly appropriate songs for when we struggle. There are times, though, when the Bible feels too heavy and the songs start to blend together, and I've had to find other ways to refuel.
I've been blessed over the years to have friends and family that have written me encouraging letters and notes. Especially having been in the hospital so much, I've received some of the most uplifting words. God speaks through people still, today. I pull out those notes from time to time as a tangible, flesh-on reminder of God's love. I recently pulled out my "good-bye" book from Mercy, where many of the girls I lived with wrote messages to me when they graduated. Those words are prophecy of life to me. It was so encouraging.
Getting outside and experiencing Creation is extremely cathartic. My best friend and I used to wait for rainstorms and intentionally walk/play/lie down in the rain. It's like heaven pouring down, lighting up every sense in my body. I feel present, grounded, and alive. With all of the weather we've been having this summer, I should do that again!
Calling or texting a good friend, while praying specifically for encouragement is amazing. God wants to bless you. He wants to hold you in His arms. He will speak through His Word, through songs, through creation, and through others, if we listen. It is the moments of experiencing His love that make weathering the storm possible. Listening to music doesn't make the problem go away. It may not even change how you're feeling - but that's not the point.
The point is to listen for a touch from heaven, and to receive. God's done some pretty amazing things over these past few weeks - going out of His way to prove His love for me. Some mornings, I wake up overwhelmed and frustrated, and those feelings stay throughout the day. Some mornings, though, I wake up with hope, and that's a very new and different way of walking through a trial.

Grateful and always learning.

"When David and his men came to Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep... David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God." 1 Samuel 30: 3-6

50th Post!!

It's my 50th post! Which is an appropriate landmark, because I've had kind of a landmark day!

I've been so busy writing for school, that I haven't had much thought or energy for what to write on my blog! As I was in my quiet time today, I was praying about what the topic for this week should be. Nothing really jumped out at me. I've been hammering out several hundred words per day in essays, debate postings, and discussions, so the creative well has been a little bit dry. At the same time, I always feel like I'm neglecting to share all that God is doing when I don't make time to blog. So I keep my heart continually open for what God would have me write.

It has been a goal of mine, ever since coming back from St. Louis, to get rid of some of the negative artifacts of my past life. In talking to a friend who also grew up as a military kid, I realize that I hold onto keep sakes with real tenacity. There were so many times in moving around that I was asked to say goodbye to someone I would never see again. I have a couple of friends from the first fifteen years of my life, but most of the people, places, and things that I treasured from that time are gone. I've also lost quite a bit of memory to the PTSD fog that surrounds the chronic trauma I experienced. In that, journals, knickknacks, jewelry, pictures, and other things become overly important. I become fearful that if I don't hold onto that scrap of paper, the memory of that time will be lost forever. Abbey put it really well when she said, "I just know that my memories don't do it justice". I feel that I need something tangible to hold on to.

There are certain things, however, that are better left in the past. I have written in journals diligently from 1998 to now. Some of those years, particularly between 2006-2009, hold very dark moments of total despair. I wrote things, drew things, and recorded experiences from that time that still hold leverage over me, and God has brought me to a place where I'm ready to let those things go. Not all of it, but certain entries that are the very opposite of life-giving. Hear me: I'm not saying that it's wrong for anyone to keep things that remind them of tough times in life. But for me, at this point, I felt the Lord saying, "It's time to move on".  I have such strong negative associations to certain things that I wrote and drew - things God has already brought me through and out of - that to go back there would just be rehashing things He has already laid to rest.

It's different for everyone. Sometimes, in letting go of a past relationship, we have to get rid of clothing or pictures that remind us of that person. Sometimes, it's getting rid of music or movies that take us to a dangerous place. For me, it was getting rid of certain pieces of jewelry, certain images, and certain journal entries.  I made sure that I was not alone, and I was prayerfully supported. I put on some worship music and started in my sketchbooks, tearing out anything I felt "check" in my spirit.
It was pretty obvious.

Once it was all said and done, I had a small box full of papers I never needed to see again. I wanted to burn them and get rid of them, but living within city limits doesn't allow for back yard bonfires. Somehow, though, I needed those papers destroyed. So the Holy Spirit prompted me to soak them in the tub. As I immersed those records in the water, I watched the ink slide off the page and one of my entire journals just slide out of its binding. I felt like that particular aspect of my past was literally being washed away.

Still not really knowing what to think or feel, I heard the Lord speak to me the phrase, "letting go of the former things..."  I looked up the reference in my concordance, and I found this in the Message Version of my Bible.

"You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything - and I do mean everything - connected with that old way of life has to go.  It's rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life - a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you."  Ephesians 4:20-24 (The Message)

Thank You, God, that you have given me an entirely new way of life, and that You've given me the grace to get ride of the old things. It's been quite a journey, and I know You're not finished with me yet.
I am so excited for what is to come. I know You have great and wonderful plans in store for those of us who call ourselves Yours.

see through

I've had several different posts in mind but haven't gotten around to formulating any of them into real, whole sentences. Hopefully this will be legible. :) Thanks for sticking by me.

I gotta say, God's way always looks different than I think it's going to. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but I'm realizing how idealistic I can be. It is a blessing and a curse. Optimism hopes for the best, but Idealism sort of expects it. There is a picture in my head of how I thing things ought to go. A narrative plays out in my mind - usually following the plot of a sitcom or romantic comedy - well before events actually take place. I rehearse conversations. (I know I'm not the only one) But when the gloves come off, reality can be either really boring, really uncomfortable, or really disappointing.
Hear me out: I'm not saying that I'm perpetually deflated. Uncomfortable is a good thing. It means that I'm in a place of growth. Boring and disappointing are my own fault. I set myself up for those.

God gave me a vision a while back, around 2004. (I think) I'm not usually one prone to visions, but I held this one close to my heart, asking God over time to reveal the meaning to me. I'd explain it in detail, but it'd be meaningless to you. Additionally, Joseph got sold into slavery when he shared his vision, so...

The long and short of it, is that I knew God would be refining me to be in a position to help others. On a grand scale or a small one, I don't know. In what capacity exactly, I'm unsure. But it's been amazing to see it play out over the past 6 or 7 years. Coming home from Mercy, I knew that something dramatic had happened in my life. I feel like I'm closer than ever to seeing that vision fulfilled.  Of course, in my idealistic dreams, I am a put-together, spiffy, organized and collected woman of influence. I see myself in a trendy natural fiber tunic sipping overpriced coffee and laughing as I share a witty piece of wisdom with a girl in need.  I see my kids lying on their stomachs on the spotless living room carpet reading their assignments while I draft my second book on my laptop.  For some reason, I have glasses on my head, even though I don't use reading glasses. There is always a lot of sunlight in my dreams.

That is SO not how life works. Every now and then, I'll get the opportunity to talk to someone who has been reading this blog, face to face. Maybe I don't know them very well, or maybe we've been friends for years, but sometimes they'll tell me how it has helped them or that they enjoyed it. Looking at the face of someone who reads my stuff is really uncomfortable! I put my heart and soul "out there" on this blog. I'm vulnerable, but it's safe because it's relatively anonymous. Somehow my words here belong to a segregated time and space. I'm surprised at how tongue tied I get by face to face comments! But it's so good for me. Not for the ego boost, but because it's actually really, really humbling to know that God is using me to speak His truth. It blesses me so much, no matter how naked I feel.

Something else happened recently that threw me for a loop. While at Mercy, I got the opportunity to meet a woman named Charlotte Gambill. She really made an impact on me, so I introduced myself to her. After seeing her for the second time at a women's conference, she asked me to email her. Four months of procrastination, and I finally did. I'm not sure what made me finally write to her, but God knows. Turns out, she "happened" to be in Nashville visiting the Mercy house there, and she shared my email with Nancy Alcorn (President and Founder of Mercy Ministries).  Nancy emailed me a sweet note and asked if she could post my letter on her blog. I agreed, excited to give back to the ministry that had so dramatically changed my life.  Within two hours, the new blog post announcement pops up on my twitter feed.

My stomach dropped through the floor. I clicked over to it, and there was my letter (for the most part), spelling out my testimony for Nancy's world to see. She didn't use my last name, of course, but she did post a photo. Reading through the letter, I realized that I had given a lot more detail than I would have usually, because I wrote it for an audience of one.  I panicked.  Kurt was sitting right beside me, and he was quite soothing and rational. I worked through my fears and audibly gave it over to God.

Driving in the car later, my prayer went something like this:
   "Lord, I thought that sharing my testimony would feel different. I thought that bragging about what You did would be fun! Why do I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin? Ahhh! Jesus! You did this, right? I mean, it's all going to be ok, right?"

I paused for a little while and listened while the Holy Spirit spoke peace and assurance into my heart.
I realized that God knows exactly what I can handle. He is not the type of God to throw me into a role that I am not ready to play. He's giving me these small opportunities to work out my humanity and continue to release control to Him. And it's so much less glamorous than standing behind a glass podium delivering a message of passion and grace. (with glasses on my head, again) It feels so different than I thought it would. But it feels right. And I know that I'm not alone.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 
'As the heaves are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" 
Isaiah 55:8


Here's a linkback to Nancy's blog post:  "Awesome Update from Recent Graduate!"

runaway dog

You know, I read the passages for today and nothing really jumped out at me, and I thought, "Wow, am I just not hearing from God? I'm not feeling anything..." Then God spoke. LOL
"So, it's about feelings, is it?"
Which is the same thing He said to me yesterday.

I am so emotional! I probably feel 30 different things in as many seconds. I know that my husband couldn't conceive of processing that level of brain activity, but I - being a woman - can't conceive of anything less.
I was completely subject to my feelings until this past year, when I learned that I get to decide with my will how my life will play out. My emotions are indicators, but they are not the boss of me. (insert 2nd grade playground noises)

I was challenged by my mentor to "give my emotions over to God". It was a terrifying proposition. My growing-up taught me that emotions weren't to be expressed or shared, but rather stuffed neatly away in the deep recesses of my mind. Then, when the dam did finally break, they poured out of me with a ferocity that lead me straight into lock-up.
Where is that fine line? I thought I only knew "on" or "off".  (when in reality, they were always on... it was just whether I chose to acknowledge and appropriately express them)
I was struggling greatly with this concept of letting God lead me in the emotional realm.

Genesis 1:26 says "God spoke, 'Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature..."
The Bible is full of places that talk of a God of love, moved by compassion, stirred into a jealous anger, grieved by our disobedience. Jesus, being human, experienced every human emotion we do. (and more)
Hebrews 4:15 says "We don't have a priest (meaning Jesus) who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin."

God made me human, in HIS image, and gave me these weirdo control freak emotions, and somehow He wants to be a part of ALL of me.
I love the Message translation of Matthew 22:37-40 "Jesus said, 'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence'"

How? I won't go into it, but 2 Thessalonians 2:13 talks about the "sanctifying work of the Spirit", meaning basically that God, by the Holy Spirit, wants to make every part of the believer into the nature of Jesus Christ. He wants to take my emotions and make them like Jesus' - He wants me to experience and express my emotions, all the while glorifying God.
Ya right.

In my mind, I saw myself walking this huge, out of control black lab. The thing was dragging me down the sidewalk and I was pulling back on the leash with all of my might, just trying to stay on my feet. Somewhere, someone said, "Let go! Just let go!" So, I did! And the dog darted away from me, jumping and barking and biting and tearing apart the neighbors' gardens.
Then, I saw myself walking the same, out of control black lab.  This time, my heavenly Father was walking next to me. I was still pulling back on the leash with my arm nearly ripping out of socket. My Father said to me, "Let go. Just let go." And He placed his hands over mine and took the leash. I let go. Immediately, with an authority only a Father carries, he said, "Heel!" And the dog calmed, stop tugging at the leash, and came to His side.
In both instances I had "let go". But in giving God the leash, the dog did not destroy anything. On the contrary, it actually calmed in the Father's hands.

Every day I have to choose to let God be Lord of my emotions. I have to say, "God! I'm feeling so angry right now I don't know what to do! Please help me. I can't carry this by myself."  Sometimes He answers with insight, sometimes with peace, and sometimes with an intervention by someone He sends my way.
He already knows my heart. There is nothing secret to Him. If I'm cussing in my mind, I might as well cuss in my prayer. It's not going to shock Him.  And as I allow Him to carry the excess and "sanctify" my emotions, I become less frantic and extreme and learn to walk in the safety of His peace.
This is a daily lesson for me.

How is it going for you?

to be or not to be...

In these precious few quiet moments at home, I find myself battling apathy and even the blues, scrambling for motivation in the simple things. Not feeling well yesterday has set me behind in a way only moms and housekeepers will understand. ;)  Speaking of which, I'm looking for a free nanny/housekeeper. Just, you know, an extra couple of hands and some initiative. Apply today at emily.c.wagoner@gmail.com. No pay or benefits.

(That's so funny... I realize in posting this that I've been giving my wrong email address to everyone! hahaha)

Anyway, it's times like this when I'm faced with the decision.
Deuteronomy 30:19 "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God."

I've already made "THE" decision. I've already chosen a team. But I think we are faced every day with decisions that, taken to their logical conclusion, will either breed life or death. Sometimes they're obviously big decisions - like whom to marry and when, whether or not to invest money in this or that... decisions that will affect our future in tangible ways: where we will live, career, kids, finances, marriage, our own health and life.

But often times it's the little things we have to be conscious of. I think we are called to make moment-to-moment decisions that have a greater impact on our future than we realize.

Today in Bible Study @heartsomaha, Dr. Deb talked about Rebekah of Genesis 24.
Genesis 24 recounts the story of the hunt for the bride of Isaac, the promise of the future nation of Israel. It would be through Isaac and his wife that the promises God made to Abraham would be fulfilled. So, obviously, the selection process was fairly intense!
Rebekah was minding her own business one evening when she saw a man near a well with a bunch of camels. She gave a drink of water to the man, but then she offered to water the camels as well.
"After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking." Genesis 24:19

It doesn't seem like that big a decision, but that single choice landed her smack in the middle of God's Epic story and gained her a spot in the bloodline of Jesus the Messiah. (Read the whole story when you have a chance, it's awesome. BibleGateway)

My point is, choices matter. And most don't seem like a matter of life and death. But in the little things, even, I want to be in tune to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit that answers, "Is this life-giving? Or not so much?" And don't get me wrong. I don't choose to read my Bible over TV every time... that's not what I'm saying. Sometimes the most Holy thing we can do is take a nap. (Abbey) ;)
Just be aware, is all. Be choice-conscious.

How have you seen a "small" decision play out largely in your life?

Prophets, Priests, and Kings

Mark 1:1 - 4:25

Mark opens his gospel with the story of John the Baptist, Jesus' cousin. (The gospel of Matthew opens with the account of John's prophetic birth and specific anointing, and Mark's gospel opens with John's ministry.)
I'm reading this in The Message - by Eugene Peterson, and it strikes me that I really don't know anything at all about this "John the Baptist", except that he was a little off... he was different and a little wildish, and that he had this thing for dunking people in the River Jordan.

Mark 1:4-6 says, "John the Baptizer appeared in the wild, preaching a baptism of life-change that leads to forgiveness of sins. People thronged to him from Judea and Jerusalem and, as they confessed their sins, were baptized by him in the Jordan River into a changed life."

Isaiah said that JtB had come to prepare the way of the Lord. After 400 years of silence from heaven (the space between the Old and New Testaments in the Christian Bible) God sends one last prophet to Earth in John the Baptist. I'm so interested in this antiquated role that God gave specific people for specific times. These weren't just men who had the "gift of prophecy". They came with the voice, power, and authority of the Living God - in a different way then anyone after the cross.
I once heard a talk on Prophets, Priests, and Kings.  That in the days before the Christ, God assigned certain people to do His work here on Earth.  The role of the prophet was to speak FROM God TO the people. They carried the heart of an untouchable heavenly God to a world that did not understand Him. Prophets were God's ambassadors.  The role of the priest was to speak TO God FROM the people.  They carried the mantle of the sins of the nation of Israel before a Holy and terrifying God to seek atonement and blessing. They were sanctified (set apart) and considered "pure enough" to come before the presence of God and reunite Him to His people.  And Kings were set up with the Authority to rule over God's people, communicating God's will in the form of the practical and every day. They spoke to specific circumstances and worked to unify and expand God's people's territory.

JtB was God's last prophet, because with the entry of the Messiah, Jesus encapsulated all three rolls - Prophet, Priest, and King.  King David of the Old Testament (you know, David and Goliath) carried all three rolls as well (starts in 1 Samuel 16), but he carried them in the body of a fallen son of Adam. Jesus came as the perfect Son of God to carry these rolls without fault and usher in a new era of God's interaction with man. That is why David calls Jesus both Son and Master.

Ok, stick with me here, 'cause I'm really intrigued by this.
Here's what I'm curious about.  Sometimes it helps me to define my role on this planet - my global part of God's story - by looking at the rolls of other great people that God chose to further His kingdom. Obviously, I have not been called as the Messiah. There can be only One. (insert Highlander theme song)  But, like John the Baptist, I have been called to proclaim the way of the coming King.
I'm just different in that I am operating this side of the cross.

So I want to know,
1) Who is John the Baptist and what was the significance in his calling as a prophet of God?  JtB was a key player in the pre-Christian Kingdom, and I want to know more about him. Jesus described him like this:

Matthew 11:11-13 "I tell you the truth:  Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist... From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. For all the Prophets and the Law prophesied until John." (NIV)
"But if you read the books of the Prophets and God's Law closely, you will see them culminate in John, teaming up with him in preparing the way for the Messiah of the kingdom." (The Message)

2) Jesus also says that "he who is least in the kingdom of heaven (the Christian Kingdom) is greater than he (JtB)". That's me...  So what does that mean for my role in preparing the way for the Return of The King? I wana study John the Baptist, and I wana study the commission of the early church, because I feel that God is calling us to ramp it up and speak out in a new and different way in these days.

Christ is coming back. What is my role in that?
Follow me, if you want, as I stumble through this discovery. :) And please contribute your thoughts and revelations!! I'm just a journeyman. Same as any other disciple. (And that's you...)

An aside...

God's really been working with me on some things, and I've been deep in thought, which makes writing really difficult! Emotions, ideas, and revelations are all kind of jumbled up inside. It's difficult to communicate.  So, just so you know, I'm here! I've still been in the Word every day... not necessarily following "the plan", but letting the Holy Spirit guide me here and there. Been spending a lot of time with Paul in his letters to the church about Christian Living.
I'm learning how to do life. I know it sounds weird, but I've never really done this before! I've never walked every day hand in hand with my Savior, waiting on Him and leaning entirely on His grace to get through each moment. It's a fabulously freeing way to live.  I was telling Abbey last night that my two biggest prayers throughout the day are "Help!" and "Thank You!" LOL
But even so, my heart is postured toward Him. My eyes are upward, and my hands are outstretched.
Because I can't raise three kids on my own. I can't make decisions about schooling and ADD and how to bring emotional, physical, and spiritual health to them all by myself! I can't be the wife my husband needs and deserves. I can't give if I haven't received from Him.
I have never felt so completely helpless and so completely secure at the same time.
God is so faithful.
I don't listen all of the time. I'm not obedient the first time, every time. I have one of the strongest wills in the world. Truly. (wouldn't be alive if I didn't) ;)
But God, right?

So I have nothing profound to say except that God's working with me. He's teaching me some stuff that I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to "paper" in the near future. In the meantime, pray for me and my family. That we would know and obey the will of God. That our questions will be answered with clarity, and that chaos and confusion must leave in the name of Jesus, the One who is greater.
And be encouraged. Keep seeking, keep reading. He is real - more real than any of the things in this life.

I love you all :)