summer scoop

Things have been pretty crazy on all fronts. The summer is going really well so far, all things considered. The kids are happy and pretty entertained, I've had the opportunity to spend some time with good friends, the kids went to VBS, I passed my first two classes with high scores, and we have a family reunion coming up. Many of my fears have abated, though, I must admit to a little nervous tummy at night in anticipation of the next day's unpredictability.

Somehow, though I couldn't say how exactly, things are always moving! Maybe it's the constant hum of three little ones in the house, or the non-stop morning till night always feeling like there's something to be done. Now that I've finished (on Friday) my first two classes, my stress over school should lighten significantly. But I've noticed a decided decline in my time for quiet with God.
Normally, that is the type of thing I would beat myself up over, like the crumbs in the couch and the dirty laundry piled up in the hallway by the washer. I treasure my time with God - time to read my Bible, time to think, time to pray, time to worship. It honors Him when we give Him the "first fruits" of our days. I feel safe though (and other busy moms in significant ministry positions will back me up on this) in stealing moments of prayer, singing in the car, and snagging a verse or two and holding on to it all week. There are seasons of great intimate time spent with the Lord, and I adore those seasons. And there are seasons where that is less realistic. My heart posture, however, is toward Heaven (most of the time...), and I know that honors God as well.

In the latter seasons, I crave to experience more intimacy with God. To be able to hear His voice as clearly as I did while walking alone outside in St. Louis. To have an opportunity to worship in a corporate setting every single day, and in that expression, to be blessed as I pour my heart out to Him. Time spent doesn't necessarily equal greater intimacy, however for one like me, relatively new at walking hand in hand with God every day, it sure is helpful. Consequently, in this season of "lack of quiet" (I don't want to say "busy", because it sounds like I'm working to accomplish something, and that's not always the case), I sometimes have this question...

"God, are You still there?" 

Does He know I love Him? That I want so badly to do right by Him? That I struggle to receive His Grace and Love in a season where I can't work to earn it? Is He mad at me?
Oh, our enemy can have a hay-day messing with our minds if we start to feel the least bit insecure about our relationship with God.

The truth is, 
He promised never to leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)
He promised that nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:38-39)
He promised that I am in right-standing with Him, by virtue of the fact that Christ is my Lord. (Romans 3:22)
He promised that I do not have to earn His love. (Ephesians 1:6)
He promised that I am forgiven - no matter what - the second I ask. (1 John 1:9)

I love this song by Brooke Fraser. (I love a lot of songs by Brooke) The lyrics are profound, and remind me of the everlasting faithfulness of God's love and presence.

Hope it blesses you. :)

i agree, it was so worth it

I follow several blogs. Some are posted by friends of mine, and some are posted from well known authors and speakers. I don't get the chance to sit down and read books very often, so checking in on a daily "snack" from a trusted author/teacher is a good way for me to get some extra-curricular input on the Word. I believe it's important to keep listening to podcasts, reading books, or checking blogs to always keep a fresh, relevant perspective on faith. Always, always, go back to the Bible, but don't be afraid to find out what other Christians are thinking. Especially ones you know you can trust to speak the truth to the best of their ability.  Ok. 30 second commercial over.

In that, I was reading a post on Priscilla Shrier's blog the other day that really hit home for me. It's entitled, So Worth It.  The guest author, Shundria, talks about how much her life's been transformed since becoming a parent. Life isn't just about doing things that are fun for her and her husband. Life's about doing things that are a blessing for her children - her "little kids who fight, leave messes, break things, disobey and are at times unappreciative".  She likened that relationship to the Father's heart. How we can "fight, leave messes, break things, disobey, and are at times unappreciative", but God loves to bless us anyway. The Lord gave up His life, anyway.

I have to admit. My attitude this past week has been pretty awful. With the kids home for the summer, my nice little routine has been mulched by three whirlwind, hyperactive, demanding, fussy kids. My quiet time is not quiet, my house is wrecked, and our budget is strapped because they consume products of all sorts at an unbelievable pace. Not to mention the fact that I have no time for myself or school or even to take a shower because of the constant, 24/7 nagging...

But God arrested my heart. I prayed so many times this week, "God. I can't do this. You have to help me. You have to come through for me. PLEASE." And He did. He always does. But I don't deserve His love, attention, patience, or mercy any more than my kids deserve those things from Kurt and me.
God gives me those things, gave me everything, because He loves me. I'm His girl.

I LOVE my kids. I could probably take a cue from my heavenly Father and extend a little love, attention, patience, and mercy. I could probably afford to be less selfish and resentful and a little more grateful that I get to have this time.

In Luke 9:23, Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I remember singing a song about that as a kid, but that's heavy stuff right there. Christ calls us to a life of selflessness. To deny our own rights, wants, desires, needs, and die to our nature to follow after Him. Christ didn't just ask us to do it arbitrarily. He set the ultimate example.

So, tonight, Kurt and I packed up the kids, towels, swim suits, life jackets, floaties, goggles, flip-flops and sunscreen and went to an overpriced "aquatic center" (swimming pool with a fancy slide) to let the kids blow off some steam on a Saturday evening. And they had a ball. I sat in a chair and observed and cheered, and Kurt played some, coached some, and hit the water slide a time or two. Afterward, we put them back in the car all sopping wet, got some food because they were tired, hungry, and cranky, ate, bathed and put them to bed. It was not about me and Kurt. It was for them. (I wanted to stay at home and watch my favorite series on Netflix.) But you know what? It was so worth it. I'm not even sure they said Thank You in so many words. Nonetheless, they had a blast, and in blessing them, it blessed us.

little poem

I have so much to share and post about! God's awesome and life is nuts, as per usual. Congrats to my dear friend, Lindsey and her new husband, Seth! Congrats to my childhood friend, Stephanie and their new baby boy! I wish I had more time to write, but for now, I will share a little poem I wrote.

Ode to Summer Vacation

In the stillness of the morning

The sunbeams peaking through,

I breathe afresh the newness

And catch a whiff of poo.

The robins singing sweetly

The lovebirds softly coo,

The TV blares the siren of

Some awful kid’s cartoon.

It’s summer in the suburbs

The trees are full and green.

My kids are fighting to the death

And I’m the referee.

My coffee’s getting colder

As I count from one to three,

It’s time-out number thirty-one

But it only bothers me.

I’m blessed to have this special time

To share my children’s lives;

I’m grateful to be here with them

Each day’s a new surprise.

The toilet’s overflowing now,

Another piercing cry,

I think my son is bleeding, still

I have to go! Goodbye!

mom's day

Mother's Day is a very big day. I know how women are. This is one particular day out of the year that we have purpose to become hyper-introspective.  

We think about our moms. Maybe we knew her, maybe we didn't, maybe we had more than one. Maybe we had a "mom" that wasn't our "mom". We think about our childhoods. (Sometimes whether we want to or not!)  What our moms did that we will NEVER do. What went well, and what we appreciate now that we didn't then.

And we think about being or becoming a mom.  Nothing will bring more women to tears for more different reasons than meditating on that subject.  Maybe we don't ever want children, or maybe we have children we weren't expecting.  Maybe we can't wait to start having children, or maybe the trying has been heartbreaking. Maybe we're grateful for the kids we have, and maybe we're mourning the ones we've lost. Maybe we know we can never give birth to a child, but we mother none-the-less.

Guarantee that, by and large, guys do not go through the emotional overhaul on Father's Day that we ladies do on Mother's Day.  If they get emotional about "fathers", it's usually during "Into the Wild" or  "Hannah Montana, The Movie".  (You think I'm kidding. Tears. Actual Tears.)
I know I'm not being fair to the guys and their powers of introspection. LOL
It's just that women have the instinctive intuitive ability to turn any occasion into An Occasion.

In all honesty, I can only speak from my own experience as a woman. I feel like God carved out a space on the inside of me, and there is a deeply running river that ties me to my identity as a daughter and a mother. It rings out in a place beyond what I can see and describe.  It is deeply personal and deeply sacred.  And I believe that God intended for it to be this way! He gave us parents to give substance to an indescribable God. We understand God by coming to understand our parents. For better or worse, unfortunately.  And He gave moms supernatural grace to love the way He loves - whatever the object of that love may be.  The world is a flawed place. God's design is not.

Today, I am grateful. I feel a lot of things, but most prominently, I am grateful. I am the daughter of a mom I have never met and an adopted mom who loves me deeply. I am a mother to three astounding kids sleeping snug in their beds as I write and three in a place more perfect than I can imagine. And most importantly, I am the daughter of the Most High God.  I have so much to be grateful for.

To anyone woman who may read this post: 

Whatever your situation was and is, know that there is one constant you can cling to today. If you've given your heart to Jesus Christ, you can rest in the knowledge that you are now and forever the daughter of the King. And when the whole earth fades away, He remains.

If you've loved and lost, whether in dreams or in this life, I'm so very sorry. You are not alone in your grief. God's heart is for his daughters.  He is not asking you to put away the pain. He invites you to share it with Him, to pour out your heart to Him, and then trust Him to lead you forward.

And if you think you are not a mother, you are. Look around at the ones you have loved without payback or gain. The ones you have loved who have made a mess, but it didn't change a thing. The ones you have held and comforted and patched up a wound. You may not have the title "Mom", but you have a mommy's heart. So I honor you today just the same.

From my heart to yours,
Emily

wow

I cannot believe it is the 15th of March! We've just gotten back from an amazing family vacation to Florida, and I am exhausted! Kurt's grandparents live in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, and we've been meaning to take the kids down there to see them. These last couple of years have been less than ideal for taking on a venture of this magnitude, but they have taught us some things.  Time is not a thing to be taken for granted. I think intense suffering of any kind brings about a shift in perspective. Things that seemed important lose their value and memories, moments, and relationships become paramount.  There are a lot of things we could have spent money on this spring... but taking time to reconnect as a family, enjoy one another (for the most part), and capitalize on this very unique snapshot of time in the lives of each one of us was so very important.  And I'm out of my mind grateful. I'm sure as soon as the haze lifts off my mind, I'll only become even more so. hehe

I was working on my 365 Project, and it was interesting to me what points on our vacation stood out. We got to do some amazing things including Disney World, the beach, warm weather after a ridiculously frigid winter... but we also got to see friends and family, and I got to peek into the hearts of each one of my little ones. As a mommy, it's utterly priceless to see my kids unguarded and unhindered and free to be completely themselves. There's something very raw about a family vacation. Everyone's true colors rise to the top after 30 hours in the car and 10 days in mixed company.

For my part, God has done a miracle in me. There is no way I could have ever handled a trip like this in my past. And yes, I got cranky and tired and irritable at times. My blood sugar dropped, the sleep depravation caught up with me, and the weariness of living under someone else's roof began to weigh me down. But overall, there was so much grace for each and every moment. There was always a long night and a new morning. I had no trouble sleeping at all, which 1.) for me is amazing, and 2.) for being out of town in a MIRACLE. We hit the Disney crowd with three kids in tow, and I had no anxiety whatsoever. None.  (I don't typically do crowds... understatement of the century)
Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that it sometimes takes a trial to show the change that God has made. And while I wouldn't necessarily categorize a family vacation as a "trial", I do know that it could have been a catastrophe! God deserves so much credit for the work He has done in my life. We not only survived, but we had a wonderful time.

And I'm super glad to be home. :)

Isaiah 43:19
"See, I am doing a new thing!
  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?
  I am making a way in the desert  
  and streams in the wasteland."

mouths of babes

Today was incredibly hard. I'd list out the where and what of it, but I'll spare the details. My husband is out of town doing what he is meant to do, and that left me at home with the three littles all day yesterday and today. I figured it would be no big deal. Kurt handled them all by himself with no problem while I was gone! Yesterday went alright, save the visit to the ER, but today was a whole new game. The kids just started pushing and pushing until I was at a brittle snapping point. They, like all children, know exactly where my buttons are, how to push them, and how long. Thank God they sleep at night.

At one point today, my son Alex was in his room crying. We'd had another blow out where all three kids needed to be separated lest one stab the other with a pencil, break a CD, or save over the final level of Lego Star Wars. They just could not get along today! I had retreated to my bathroom to pull my hair out, and I heard Alex come around the corner, huffing and hiccuping from the crying.
He grabbed his hair, tipped his head to the side and said, "Mommy, I feel like God and Satan are at war inside my head."
I was knocked back by his ability to grasp this profound concept. I pulled him close to me and I assured him that God in him is so much bigger than Satan out there. And in reassuring him, I found myself comforted as well.  We went to the Bible to look up some verses. I want the kids to know that most of what I say isn't just some arbitrary thing I made up. They believe fully that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. There's something concrete in being able to show them ink on paper.

I had Alex read this passage aloud,
James 4:7 "So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time." (The Message)

We prayed together... simply, powerfully. "God, I say yes to you. Devil I say no! In the name of Jesus, Amen."   Somehow hearing those words come from the mouth of an eight year old boy, I feel that heaven and hell must have shook. The spiritual ramifications of my young son's willingness to stand in his God-given authority are beyond my comprehension.

I went on to show him Romans 7:21-25 (the pages in my Bible are all crinkly now from his tears)
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, Sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all of my heart and mind, but am pulled away by the influence of sin to do something totally different"

It goes on to talk about a "new power in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air..."

We pondered this for a little while and I said, "Alex, you know, God sent Jesus so that you don't have to worry about that fight inside of you. God is so much stronger."

Alex grinned at me and started singing...
"He is stronger. He is stronger.
Sin is broken, He has saved me.
It is written, 'Christ is risen'.
Jesus you are Lord of all."

Thank you God, for speaking to me through my precious son. I needed that today. Hopefully it blesses you as well.
Here's a recording of Alex singing that little chorus. (Sorry the icon's so huge!)

Go To FileFactory.com

An aside...

God's really been working with me on some things, and I've been deep in thought, which makes writing really difficult! Emotions, ideas, and revelations are all kind of jumbled up inside. It's difficult to communicate.  So, just so you know, I'm here! I've still been in the Word every day... not necessarily following "the plan", but letting the Holy Spirit guide me here and there. Been spending a lot of time with Paul in his letters to the church about Christian Living.
I'm learning how to do life. I know it sounds weird, but I've never really done this before! I've never walked every day hand in hand with my Savior, waiting on Him and leaning entirely on His grace to get through each moment. It's a fabulously freeing way to live.  I was telling Abbey last night that my two biggest prayers throughout the day are "Help!" and "Thank You!" LOL
But even so, my heart is postured toward Him. My eyes are upward, and my hands are outstretched.
Because I can't raise three kids on my own. I can't make decisions about schooling and ADD and how to bring emotional, physical, and spiritual health to them all by myself! I can't be the wife my husband needs and deserves. I can't give if I haven't received from Him.
I have never felt so completely helpless and so completely secure at the same time.
God is so faithful.
I don't listen all of the time. I'm not obedient the first time, every time. I have one of the strongest wills in the world. Truly. (wouldn't be alive if I didn't) ;)
But God, right?

So I have nothing profound to say except that God's working with me. He's teaching me some stuff that I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to "paper" in the near future. In the meantime, pray for me and my family. That we would know and obey the will of God. That our questions will be answered with clarity, and that chaos and confusion must leave in the name of Jesus, the One who is greater.
And be encouraged. Keep seeking, keep reading. He is real - more real than any of the things in this life.

I love you all :)

New Wineskins

We spent the Thursday and Friday at the local Holiday Inn and CoCo Keys, and our WiFi connection was sketch at best. Since I have a tendency to be loquacious, I was having a hard time getting a full blog post together before I lost service. Tragic.  Maybe I should concentrate on being more concise. :) hehe

We had a wonderful time - especially for what we paid. I'm finding that, for me, I have to break "old programs". I got the opportunity to really get away from everything and spend a good amount of time thinking, praying, writing, reading, absorbing, talking, and learning. And in that, I was completely transformed. Omaha, however, remained stoically the same. Some mornings, when I wake up and see the same wall that I stared at for two years of barely being able to get out of bed, I lose myself in what was. In my sleepy stupor, I forget that I've been remade. I came back a square peg to a round hole, but the atmosphere threatens to round out my edges.

So I've been working on really pressing in to God and trusting Him to walk me through this transition. I'm holding on to His promises, to His Word, and to His unfailing love for me. Sometimes, it means changing up the program. Rearranging my bedroom, creating a different atmosphere with music or the strategic placement of a comfy chair. Sometimes it means getting out of the house entirely after 3 weeks of being snowed in and spending a little money on a hotel room and an indoor water park.
That way, I'm making new memories to override the old ones. Following God down new paths that haven't quite gotten worn in yet.
For now, the decisions are so deliberate. My default is the well worn groove of old habits. Hopefully, though, sooner than later, the decisions will come more naturally, and my default will be positive, proactive, and life-giving. Time will tell. But God is faithful. I know He didn't walk with me through seven months of living in St. Louis just to drop me off at the corner in Omaha.  The great thing about giving all I have to an omnipresent God, is that He is able to follow through on His promise to never leave me, never forsake me.

"You make all things new, you yes you make all things new. And I will follow You forward." - Israel Houghton  (Power of One)

Define Irony

So, I don't know if anyone else notices this in their lives, but it's so predictable that it's funny.

Whenever God really starts talking to me about something, I'm almost immediately tested in that area. It may be that I am just more keyed in to the topic, like when you're looking to buy a car that you've never really heard much about, but suddenly they are all over the road. As if everyone simultaneously got the idea to buy the exact same car the exact same week.

Not two hours after I got all hyped about being a Xena the Warrior Princess (minus the horrible acting and all associated idioms), Satan lobbed a hand grenade over the fence, and I found myself face to face with my raw humanity.

Alex was home from school, because he woke up not feeling well. We had a peaceful morning and early afternoon, but after he awoke from a nap, he was in horrible pain. Headache, rapidly climbing fever, sore throat, nausea, the whole nine yards. He was inconsolable, so I called the Dr. and squeezed him in to a 4:40pm appointment.  Somehow, within 50 minutes, I needed to get my daughter and I dressed and out the door, pick up my middle son from my mother-in-law's house, pick up Kurt from work (we are a one car family at the moment), get everyone to their designated locations, and get Alex to the doctor.

It did not go well. My shield of faith was trampled by my four-year old's tantrum about her pants being too tight. My son's symptoms randomly responded (after 2 hours) to the Tylenol I'd given him. I also had an embarrassing lack of an insurance card. My double edged sword got lodged in the 3 foot snow bank out in front of my house, and my temper went through the roof.

I drove down 72nd street with tears streaming down my face and my prayers sounding whiney and pitiful instead of victorious and authoritative.

But God is faithful. Annabelle was satiated by the candy cane, Kurt found a ride and a way to pick up Isaac, the insurance information was on file (with no co-pay), and our trip to the doctor was not in vain... Alex has a full-blown case of strep. (not that I'm glad that he's sick :(, but I feel less stupid about taking a healthy-seeming kid to the doctor no matter what his symptoms were doing two hours previous)

So here I am, none-the-less victorious, begging my emotions to line up with the Truth of God's Word. Resting in His presence while my sons play computer and my daughter watches "Angelina Ballerina" on Netflix.

Just so everyone knows my life is super real. :)