the Way out of fear

Recently I did an interview for a pretty big city newspaper. I believe strongly in what God does through Mercy Ministries, and on occasion I get the opportunity to speak on their behalf about my experiences. Often times, I'll share a bit about my past and what Mercy is doing to help girls who have been in similar situations. For my part, it's great to testify to what God has done in my life, to educate others about a strong ministry, and to offer hope to girls who may believe there is no hope left.

The article was published with very little identifying information about me, but I was still left with this very unsettled feeling deep down inside. There were certain inaccuracies in the article that nagged at me, but more than that, there was an air of truth to the entire situation that came blaring out in black and white. I'm glad to have given the interview, because I know that God is utterly unhindered by imperfection. At the same time, it's been hard to shake this trembling in the pit of my stomach.

It took a few days, but I was finally able to articulate what the sensation was about.
It was fear. Still, after so many years, the echoes of threats and orders to never tell resonate in the depths. That message was so deeply carved into the makeup of my thoughts, that even now, spilling "secrets" still triggers a knee-jerk fear.


Lord, I don't want to be afraid any more.

I tend to be analytical in my thinking - but analytical on a very basic level. I've learned so much from reverse-engineering enemy tactics, that it has brought validation and meaning to what so many of us have gone through. Please forgive the over-simplification of this trail of thought, but when God connected these verses for me, it made so much sense.

Here's the latest:

Fear is Satan's lock and key. Controlling, manipulative people have known this from the beginning of time. Dictatorships, political games, and even the rumor mill are all driven and perpetuated by the force of fear. Fear is what keeps us from speaking up, stepping out, and moving on. It's a paralyzing agent that binds up mind, body, and will. Fear is why I couldn't break free from my abusers - why I wanted to die. Fear.

I know that Fear is not from God. I don't think He can be more clear than Romans 8:15: "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship."


So if fear is not from God, then HOW to I get free from it?

Fear keeps us locked away - alone. Fear of rejection and abandonment for the vile filth inside of me kept me from meaningful relationships, especially with God. But the very presence of God is what drives away fear! See the strategy? If Satan can keep us in fear, he can keep us from coming into the presence of God - the very antidote for fear!

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love [God]. But perfect love [God] drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect (fully formed, mature) in love." (emphasis mine)   1 John 4:16 "God is love."

So, if fear is driven out in the presence of God, then HOW do I get into the presence of God?
When I learned the answer to this question, I actually got angry, because it is HOPE that brings us into the presence of God. 

Hebrews 6:18-20 "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahed of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek." (The Message)

Perhaps nothing in my childhood was more viscously attacked than hope. Hope is what kept me fighting, and fighting was not what my abusers wanted to see. As a consequence, I spent so many days and nights in fear that I eventually lost my grip on hope. Fear turned into a "knowing".  I knew I was going to die. I knew that no one was coming to save me. I knew I would be misused and hurt and controlled for the rest of my life. As hope broke, my heart slipped even further from the presence of the One who wanted so desperately to take that fear away. The hopelessness is what perpetuated into adulthood. The hopelessness is what almost cost me my life.

See, if Satan can steal our hope, he can keep us from entering into the presence of God where His love drives away all fear. As long as we remain in fear, we remain slaves to our enemy.

What do I hope in? I have hope that what God says is true. That everything will work out for good. That He will never leave me. That my future is secure. That God is good. I have hope that I will never be alone, and that this world is a shadow of the amazing, indescribable perfection that is to come. I have hope, because I believe that God really did send His Son to right everything that was broken.
That's hope.

I wrote before that it's not always what happens to us, but how we view what happens to us. Hopeless is ultimately a misperception. That's the secret that the enemy works so tirelessly to keep from us! When we know the TRUTH, suffering actually brings hope. 


The mystery that undoes all of the plans of Satan is joy in the suffering. 

Romans 5:1-8 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, just at the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly... But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I don't have this mastered. But God's shown me the way, and that's a huge start. After all, it's the Truth that sets us free. ;)

the winning team

Everyone worships something. Even the nihilist that swims in a suspension of meaninglessness worships the emptiness by giving it honor in his life. We have so many choices - God loves us enough to let us go. I don't claim to be a world views or spiritual expert, but I know God, and I know deceit, and I know that I'm loved by the One above all others. And so, for that matter, is every other person on planet Earth. 

This is so important to me. 

When a six year old child witnesses the death of another child, the concepts of good and evil, life and death, and survival instinct all come crashing into the concrete. I just wanted to be on the winning side, whatever side that was. I wanted to be on the side of the one that would let me live. Because of the chaos of my surroundings, I was in a very literal black and white world of innocence versus depravity. Let's call it what it is - the depravity of man is Satan's domain. And I learned at a very impressionable age what the cost of serving Satan can be. 

Hopefully most don't experience the battle on the front lines that way, but I know that many, many have. Fortunately and unfortunately both, most people have no idea what they are up against. The things of the kingdom of darkness are at best a novelty act. Our culture is flooded with zombies, vampires, black magic, astrology, mythology, and counterfeits of every kind. 

Pause and hear me: I'm NOT standing in my "Holy Hideout" condemning "the world" for their interest in the latest vampire series. What I see is a people with a sense of the supernatural who are doing everything they can to get near to it... but they don't necessarily know what they're looking for. (And, as a note, my kids do dress up for Halloween. They also understand our family's values.) 

My point is, I didn't know for a very long time who would come out the stronger. Of course I had heard about Creator God casting Lucifer from heaven. (Luke 10:18) But I didn't KNOW who was going to win, because darkness seemed so powerful to me. 

Lifelong story short, God showed up mightily in my life in ways that I can only begin to recount. And when light shines in the darkness, the darkness MUST flee from it. (Ephesians 5:13-14) God IS bigger and stronger and more powerful than our Enemy. Any attempt to persuade us differently is a lie. Whatever shape the darkness takes - sickness, poverty, hopelessness, calamity, and even death - I testify to the conquering power of Yahweh. He is more real than anything that can come against us. There is Hope in the name of Jesus.

"What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by.  The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." (John 1: 4-5, The Message)

Chris Tomlin has a song we sang at Lifegate this morning, and the words are Truth. 

I found it so appropriate, on a day that the occult has marked as a celebration of the Deceiver, that the power of the Holy Spirit would show up and break loose the chains of fear and doubt in peoples' hearts. 

Our voices rang out and the shadows had to recede, because Satan knows that he has been defeated.

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger,

God, you are higher than any other..."

The keen survival instincts that I developed as a little girl are still awake in me. But now I know which is the winning side. And I choose to worship Jesus Christ, the name above all other names. 

"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father."

(Philippians 2:9-11, NIV)

the enemy's plan b

A while back, I posted a blog about how the enemy comes after our destiny. Here's the linkback, "call it what it is", because this is part two.

I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and over the course of a couple of conversations, we got to talking about the validity of a person's testimony. A testimony, by definition is an account of a person's own experience. The validity of one's testimony depends on whether the person is truthful in relaying their story.

But what about when someone has an honest, radical encounter with God in which He performs a miracle in their personal life, but then, over the course of time, some of the things that He changed begin to revert back to their former state. Or, more accurately, they look as though they're reverting to their former state. Is that person's testimony still "valid"?

Imagine someone has been in a wheelchair for years, and one day, God chooses to miraculously heal him. He stands upright and walks as though there has never been a pain in his body. Over time, however, some of the pain returns, and he is sometimes forced to use crutches or his wheelchair, especially when he's tired or has been on his feet all day. Is his testimony of God's miraculous healing invalid?

My answer is definitively no. 

When God moves, He moves! When heaven intersects Earth and we have the privilege to bear witness to that account, whether in our lives or someone else's, it is miraculous, and we testify to that experience. God has revealed Himself awesomely, and we get to tell others what we've learned about God from that revelation. 

I've found, when Satan cannot destroy your destiny, he goes after your testimony. There is so much power in our testimony, and our enemy knows it. It has been taught, and I think rightly so, that speaking our testimony is like speaking prophecy. 

Revelation 19:10b says, "For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy." 

I don't pretend to understand the full context and ramifications of this verse, but I do know that when I hear the testimony of a true God-encounter, my faith is strengthened. I know that when someone says, "this is what God did for me", I think, "God could do that for me too". So in that sense, the person's testimony speaks the prophecy of what God could do in my life.

At first, Satan goes after our destiny. He tries to thwart God's plans for us even before we are born. But God is so much greater than he who is in the world. The power of God comes through to help us overcome the plans of the enemy, and out of the abundance of our hearts, we bear witness to His story in our lives. We tell of His greatness. We testify. And Satan hates the power in a testimony.

So, when plan A fails, Satan goes after our testimony. He tries to shut us up.

He will attack places in our lives where he has lost his hold - whether in finances, health, the breaking off of strongholds, in gifts, wherever he can. And he will attempt to convince us that our testimony is no longer "valid".  We stop speaking about what God has done, because, in our eyes, the story is ruined in one way or another. 

That is Satan's lie. What God did, HE DID. What happens next bears no impact on our story.
What happens next is up to God and up to us. Don't let the enemy try to steal your testimony. Don't let him trap you in old habits. Don't let him convince you that a setback is a relapse. Don't let him convince you that people won't care - that they won't want to hear your story - that it's not convincing enough or powerful enough or "good" enough.

Speak out the testimony of what our great God has done. There is power in our testimony. 

asking the tough questions

In my pursuit of a degree in Christian Ministry, I'm enrolled in a "Worldviews" class, which is basically Comparative Religion. I've been asked to take a look at the other major ideologies, dogmas, and philosophies of our age. I've been studying Evangelical Christianity and the Christian Theist worldview - picking it apart step by step and then holding it up to the scrutiny of others to discover why, in the light of so many options, I have chosen Christianity. 

Philosophically, it's frustrating. Academically, it's a challenge. Spiritually, it's an intense exercise. I've had to ask myself some pretty tough questions over the last month, but the faithfulness of God is unmatched. As I look to the other "answers" the world has to offer, I fall deeper in love with God. Deeper in love with His heart toward us. Deeper in love with the great lengths He went to bring us back to Him. So yes, I'm still a Christian, and I'm more appreciative of my faith than ever before. 

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..." 1 Peter 3:15

One of the great issues I've had to tackle in my faith walk has been "suffering".  I've shared in my testimony "About Me" page, that I endured some pretty severe trauma as a child, teen, and young adult. By the time I was ten years old, I was entertaining suicidal thoughts, having already been mistreated for eight years. God gave me a very strong will, however, so when my perpetrators put me in a position that even I in my confusion and fear found to be abhorrent, I protested. Needless to say, "no" was not an answer back then. The summer I was 10 years old, I spent in almost 24 hour captivity and torture. The goal of my abusers was to break my spirit. They wanted complete, unquestioned submission, so they were going to prove to me that I was powerless. My mother had lead me to the Lord when I was five years old, so I had a foundation of faith. I prayed and prayed for God to rescue me, but things got worse and worse. The enemy, through his puppets on Earth, systematically dismantled my hope that summer. I learned not to want anything. Not physical comfort, affection, entertainment, attention, social interaction, kindness, love. And I learned not to need anything. Not food, water, air, sunlight, sleep. I learned that wishing was pointless, prayer was useless, and I was powerless. 

I can not, in any way that would make sense to anyone else, explain the reason that "God would let that happen to an innocent child". I've cried out to Him since then, demanding an answer. But instead of some kind of justification, the Lord was gracious enough to show me His heart. I caught in a moment His immense grief over the situation - more an intense emotion than I've ever been able to feel for myself. 

My personal belief is that God does not cause anyone to suffer - even for the "greater good".  

There is nothing in the character of God that would suggest that He brings about calamity to teach a lesson. Here's what I know: The world is an evil place, but God is good. We are subject to that evil temporarily because we live on planet earth, but God is eternally sovereign. He has prepared a place of perfection, and He has promised to bring good out of every situation. Sh-t happens, but it does not change the fundamental character of God. He is incapable of creating bad. Everything evil in this world was our Enemy's idea, and if God intervened and stopped every evil thing from happening, He would be interrupting His promise to allow us free will - a promise He made out of love. 

Scripture says that Christ was "delivered to death", suggesting a passing off from the perfection of God's economy to the destruction of the world's. "He [Christ] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification". Romans 4:25 I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm saying God didn't cause Jesus to be killed, even for us. God gave His only Son to this broken World (temporarily) where the evil of this world could have its way with Him. BUT, in the end, the Power of God conquered the evil of this world, setting in motion His plan to eradicate evil once and for all.

What about natural disasters like New Orleans and Haiti? (things that have been deemed an "act of God") The Bible calls these things "birth pains" signifying what will become a new heaven and a new earth. It doesn't mean God wants His people to suffer, or that He doesn't grieve intensely over every single lost soul.  

"Then he said to them: 'Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven... There will be signs in the sun, moon, and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.  At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.  When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near." (Luke 21: 10-11 and 25-28)

I didn't understand this truth - especially at 10 years old. I assumed either God couldn't save me, or worse, I wasn't worth saving. I had great faith in the God of the Bible, so I knew he could make the Red Sea part and raise Lazarus from the dead. My suspicion was less in God's character and capability as it was in my own worthiness. I had done something terribly, terribly wrong to deserve the torture. 

That lie haunted the deepest reaches of my heart where shame kept it vaulted away from even my own consciousness.  In order to allow God to reach that place in my heart, I had to go back and reveal to Him the pain of that summer, the incredible shame I felt, and the many, many questions I had. 

At first, it was easier to accept my own fault, because it allowed my picture of God to remain intact. As I understood my own value, I began to question God's. And I think that's a fairly common progression of thought. 

I was tempted to believe that God was a catalyst to set the world in motion and then left it to spin on its own. I wanted to believe that God was dead and the things that happened to me were bad luck or chance. He couldn't rescue me because He didn't exist. I wanted to believe that maybe it was just Karmic justice. Maybe I had been a kitten murderer in another life. (I say that tongue in cheek, but there was some truth to that hope) 

Ultimately, it wasn't by reason or philosophy or by intellect that I learned the Truth. It was learning to trust in my Abba, God, just enough to rest my head on His chest and listen to His heart. And I wilted into arms that said, "I love you. I hate that you were hurt. I'm going to make it right. Please, baby, just trust me." And the power of the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, spoke peace into my soul. 

He spoke Truth and faith and assured me of the things I wanted so desperately to hold onto as a child. Slowly, all of the hope I lost when I was 10 came back. All of that shame and fear and pain, though I remember it vividly and with grief in my heart, lost its power over me. I was able to rest in the arms of a trust-worthy God.

My faith is justifiable by rhetoric and philosophy. It's argumentable by Scripture. But the ultimate stand of my Faith, is that I worship a LIVING God, who takes an active role in revealing Himself to us. It is by that revelation my faith is strengthened and matured. And no other god in the world can offer personal revelation. Even transcendental meditation whereby a person seeks to empty themselves and become one with the One Being, there is no revelation by a personal, loving, good, God. Their One Being can't cradle them in His arms and cry with them, and that's exactly what my Abba did with me on the front porch in the rain.

I didn't really intend to go this direction with this post, but maybe someone needed to hear it.

I share my heart, because I know that my experiences aren't unique. God's longs to reveal Himself to each one of us - in different ways in different times, but the same non-the-less. My encouragement to anyone who may come across this post is to keep seeking, keep asking. Don't let the cynicism of this age strip your hope from you. That's no worse than being held physically captive. Fight against the lies. Fight to find the Truth, because He's offering it. 

God bless you all, I love you dearly.

call it what it is

God created me a passionate, feral, strong-willed girl. He planted dreams and desires on the inside of me that withstood hurricane storms. I can almost feel the roots of destiny wrap themselves around my heart. At times, there is a palpable tension in my chest like a little fire inside. I experience things intensely, deeply, intuitively.  My daughter is a tiny "me". She looks like her aunt Abby, but her personality is very similar to mine. Isaac, my second son, carries some of my more "high maintenance" traits. It's both good and bad in that I relate well to him, but we drive each other crazy. (Alex is almost 100% Kurt. lol)

Psychologists have debated "Nature vs. Nurture" for... ever. I'm no expert, but I've spent a lot of time on the receiving end of this argument, and I know that it is constantly evolving.  The unique combination of genetics and environment does create an almost infinite number of ways a personality could manifest. That's part of the reason that we're so unique as individuals. What I get to see play out in my kiddos is the genetic aspect. Their environment is drastically different than mine was growing up. But what I find so incredibly interesting is the simple "God vs. Satan" argument.

One of my token verses is found in Isaiah 49.  "God put me to work from the day I was born. The moment I entered the world he named me.  He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate. He kept his hand on me to protect me. He made me his straight arrow and hid me in his quiver." Later, Isaiah writes, "And now the Lord says - he who formed in the womb to be his servant..."  

The Bible is a book of destiny - of God's heart for mankind, His desire for relationship, what He did to draw us close to Him, and what we need to do in response.  It's also a book that speaks of a war that has been raging since before there was a concept called "time".  And when mankind entered the scene, Lucifer took us by the neck and held us for ransom. (rude.)

It plays out on a macro level, and it plays out in our individual lives. God has a purpose, a plan, and even  a name in mind for all of us before we are born. It exists in the spiritual realm where time is no factor. And what God can see in us in that realm, I believe Satan can also see.  He comes against us from birth to try to interrupt God's destiny. Look at the life of Jesus Christ, even.  Born in a cave-barn,  King Herod wanted him dead so badly that he murdered every baby boy two years old or younger in the region. That's intense!  But, God...

See, I don't think it's what Satan throws against us that trips us up so badly as what we believe about ourselves as a consequence. It wasn't the physical effects of the abuse that affected me 20 years later, it was the beliefs that it was my fault, that I was worthless and damaged, that I deserved nothing better. It was my distorted views on love, acceptance, control, and the character of God Himself that nearly took my life. My journey through healing has been a journey back to my destiny. It's been a path of overcoming the works of the enemy in my life and learning to see myself the way that God has always seen me.

Sometimes, seeing the battle for what it is - fighting to kick Satan in the teeth for trying to manipulate me - makes it easier. And if not easier, then more hopeful! We can't change "Nature", and we can't change how we were "Nurtured" (or lack thereof in some cases), but in Christ, we have definite authority over the work of Satan. Learning how to walk in authority is one of the great adventures in life.

mouths of babes

Today was incredibly hard. I'd list out the where and what of it, but I'll spare the details. My husband is out of town doing what he is meant to do, and that left me at home with the three littles all day yesterday and today. I figured it would be no big deal. Kurt handled them all by himself with no problem while I was gone! Yesterday went alright, save the visit to the ER, but today was a whole new game. The kids just started pushing and pushing until I was at a brittle snapping point. They, like all children, know exactly where my buttons are, how to push them, and how long. Thank God they sleep at night.

At one point today, my son Alex was in his room crying. We'd had another blow out where all three kids needed to be separated lest one stab the other with a pencil, break a CD, or save over the final level of Lego Star Wars. They just could not get along today! I had retreated to my bathroom to pull my hair out, and I heard Alex come around the corner, huffing and hiccuping from the crying.
He grabbed his hair, tipped his head to the side and said, "Mommy, I feel like God and Satan are at war inside my head."
I was knocked back by his ability to grasp this profound concept. I pulled him close to me and I assured him that God in him is so much bigger than Satan out there. And in reassuring him, I found myself comforted as well.  We went to the Bible to look up some verses. I want the kids to know that most of what I say isn't just some arbitrary thing I made up. They believe fully that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. There's something concrete in being able to show them ink on paper.

I had Alex read this passage aloud,
James 4:7 "So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time." (The Message)

We prayed together... simply, powerfully. "God, I say yes to you. Devil I say no! In the name of Jesus, Amen."   Somehow hearing those words come from the mouth of an eight year old boy, I feel that heaven and hell must have shook. The spiritual ramifications of my young son's willingness to stand in his God-given authority are beyond my comprehension.

I went on to show him Romans 7:21-25 (the pages in my Bible are all crinkly now from his tears)
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, Sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all of my heart and mind, but am pulled away by the influence of sin to do something totally different"

It goes on to talk about a "new power in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air..."

We pondered this for a little while and I said, "Alex, you know, God sent Jesus so that you don't have to worry about that fight inside of you. God is so much stronger."

Alex grinned at me and started singing...
"He is stronger. He is stronger.
Sin is broken, He has saved me.
It is written, 'Christ is risen'.
Jesus you are Lord of all."

Thank you God, for speaking to me through my precious son. I needed that today. Hopefully it blesses you as well.
Here's a recording of Alex singing that little chorus. (Sorry the icon's so huge!)

Go To FileFactory.com

rain

I'm really not feeling very well today. It's been a tricky, undefinable, exceedingly frustrating set of symptoms that have lasted about a month, now. Some days, I wake up great! I have energy, my thoughts are clear, my day is organized. And then some days, I wake up, and I'm incapacitated. Not mentally or emotionally (though after a day or two the mental games start...), but physically, I am unable to get out of bed.  Or, once I'm finally up, it's not long before I'm back in bed.
Today was one of the latter days. Please pray for my family. We've fought too hard and God has done too much to let a single day pass by without His best for our family. Like I wrote yesterday, sometimes the way that I expected things to lay out are completely different from His plan. Why did I finally come out of a three-year-long, life-threatening depression just to find myself in bed with a tummy ache?  I know that God did not make me sick. Neither physically or in my emotions. But I do know that He brings all things together for good.

Define Irony

So, I don't know if anyone else notices this in their lives, but it's so predictable that it's funny.

Whenever God really starts talking to me about something, I'm almost immediately tested in that area. It may be that I am just more keyed in to the topic, like when you're looking to buy a car that you've never really heard much about, but suddenly they are all over the road. As if everyone simultaneously got the idea to buy the exact same car the exact same week.

Not two hours after I got all hyped about being a Xena the Warrior Princess (minus the horrible acting and all associated idioms), Satan lobbed a hand grenade over the fence, and I found myself face to face with my raw humanity.

Alex was home from school, because he woke up not feeling well. We had a peaceful morning and early afternoon, but after he awoke from a nap, he was in horrible pain. Headache, rapidly climbing fever, sore throat, nausea, the whole nine yards. He was inconsolable, so I called the Dr. and squeezed him in to a 4:40pm appointment.  Somehow, within 50 minutes, I needed to get my daughter and I dressed and out the door, pick up my middle son from my mother-in-law's house, pick up Kurt from work (we are a one car family at the moment), get everyone to their designated locations, and get Alex to the doctor.

It did not go well. My shield of faith was trampled by my four-year old's tantrum about her pants being too tight. My son's symptoms randomly responded (after 2 hours) to the Tylenol I'd given him. I also had an embarrassing lack of an insurance card. My double edged sword got lodged in the 3 foot snow bank out in front of my house, and my temper went through the roof.

I drove down 72nd street with tears streaming down my face and my prayers sounding whiney and pitiful instead of victorious and authoritative.

But God is faithful. Annabelle was satiated by the candy cane, Kurt found a ride and a way to pick up Isaac, the insurance information was on file (with no co-pay), and our trip to the doctor was not in vain... Alex has a full-blown case of strep. (not that I'm glad that he's sick :(, but I feel less stupid about taking a healthy-seeming kid to the doctor no matter what his symptoms were doing two hours previous)

So here I am, none-the-less victorious, begging my emotions to line up with the Truth of God's Word. Resting in His presence while my sons play computer and my daughter watches "Angelina Ballerina" on Netflix.

Just so everyone knows my life is super real. :)

The Warrior King

Matthew 10:1-12:14

I was talking to Dena the other day over coffee, and we were talking about how the gospel we were presented as kids was so watered down. It was more of a pee-for-a-peanut scenario. A plea for the worm to one day get his wings so that "we, the church" can feel better about there being one less creepy-crawly on the planet.

I heard, "Jesus stands at the door and knocks. If you let Him in, you get to go to heaven! But if you don't, well... you'll probably end up with the mark of the beast on your forehead following zombies through the bread line in the End Days. Or hell if you die before that. So open the door, ok?"  The "Jesus = Get out of Jail Free" gospel.

The thing that is so deceiving about that theology is that it's half true. God is love. Jesus did die that we might be made right with the Creator and eventually be reunited with him. The alternative does, in fact, smell of sulfur.  But there is so much more to the story.

In Matthew 10:34, Jesus says, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."
What?! What about hark the herald angels sing "Peace on Earth, good will toward men!"  That's a Jesus/Christmasy song, right?
Ultimately, Christ will reign supreme and bring peace to planet Earth. He died a sinless man so that he would have the legal right to rip authority out of the hands of the accuser and restore Eden on Earth.

But I am finally seeing the other half of the gospel of the Christ. When I said "yes" to becoming a disciple of Christ, I joined an epic struggle that has been raging since before Genesis 1:1. A battle line was drawn in the sand, and at the tender age of five years old, I picked a team, and enlisted myself in the service of the Warrior King.
Isaiah 49:1-2 has become my life verse:

"Before I was born the Lord called me;
from my birth he has made mention of my name.
He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver."

I stayed passive for a long time, allowing our enemy to walk all over, in, and through my life, wreaking havoc, and almost killing me. But in the last year, my Father God has taught me to take up the Shield of Faith, raise the double-edged sword of His Word, and battle for my soul and the souls of others. An informed disciple of Jesus Christ is not a weird, churchy, judgmental, legalistic, fake, happy happy, flake. And I don't follow some long robed, solemn, gentle, whispery, martyr.
Get to know the real Christ. Find out what He was really doing here on Earth and what He's doing now. And find out what your role is in this epic story. He has invited us all to be a part of the greatest, most victorious, most powerful warring faction that has ever existed. He has invited us to a life of triumph and assurance. And it's a fantastic adventure.

Ephesians 6:10-12
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."