the Way out of fear

Recently I did an interview for a pretty big city newspaper. I believe strongly in what God does through Mercy Ministries, and on occasion I get the opportunity to speak on their behalf about my experiences. Often times, I'll share a bit about my past and what Mercy is doing to help girls who have been in similar situations. For my part, it's great to testify to what God has done in my life, to educate others about a strong ministry, and to offer hope to girls who may believe there is no hope left.

The article was published with very little identifying information about me, but I was still left with this very unsettled feeling deep down inside. There were certain inaccuracies in the article that nagged at me, but more than that, there was an air of truth to the entire situation that came blaring out in black and white. I'm glad to have given the interview, because I know that God is utterly unhindered by imperfection. At the same time, it's been hard to shake this trembling in the pit of my stomach.

It took a few days, but I was finally able to articulate what the sensation was about.
It was fear. Still, after so many years, the echoes of threats and orders to never tell resonate in the depths. That message was so deeply carved into the makeup of my thoughts, that even now, spilling "secrets" still triggers a knee-jerk fear.


Lord, I don't want to be afraid any more.

I tend to be analytical in my thinking - but analytical on a very basic level. I've learned so much from reverse-engineering enemy tactics, that it has brought validation and meaning to what so many of us have gone through. Please forgive the over-simplification of this trail of thought, but when God connected these verses for me, it made so much sense.

Here's the latest:

Fear is Satan's lock and key. Controlling, manipulative people have known this from the beginning of time. Dictatorships, political games, and even the rumor mill are all driven and perpetuated by the force of fear. Fear is what keeps us from speaking up, stepping out, and moving on. It's a paralyzing agent that binds up mind, body, and will. Fear is why I couldn't break free from my abusers - why I wanted to die. Fear.

I know that Fear is not from God. I don't think He can be more clear than Romans 8:15: "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship."


So if fear is not from God, then HOW to I get free from it?

Fear keeps us locked away - alone. Fear of rejection and abandonment for the vile filth inside of me kept me from meaningful relationships, especially with God. But the very presence of God is what drives away fear! See the strategy? If Satan can keep us in fear, he can keep us from coming into the presence of God - the very antidote for fear!

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love [God]. But perfect love [God] drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect (fully formed, mature) in love." (emphasis mine)   1 John 4:16 "God is love."

So, if fear is driven out in the presence of God, then HOW do I get into the presence of God?
When I learned the answer to this question, I actually got angry, because it is HOPE that brings us into the presence of God. 

Hebrews 6:18-20 "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahed of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek." (The Message)

Perhaps nothing in my childhood was more viscously attacked than hope. Hope is what kept me fighting, and fighting was not what my abusers wanted to see. As a consequence, I spent so many days and nights in fear that I eventually lost my grip on hope. Fear turned into a "knowing".  I knew I was going to die. I knew that no one was coming to save me. I knew I would be misused and hurt and controlled for the rest of my life. As hope broke, my heart slipped even further from the presence of the One who wanted so desperately to take that fear away. The hopelessness is what perpetuated into adulthood. The hopelessness is what almost cost me my life.

See, if Satan can steal our hope, he can keep us from entering into the presence of God where His love drives away all fear. As long as we remain in fear, we remain slaves to our enemy.

What do I hope in? I have hope that what God says is true. That everything will work out for good. That He will never leave me. That my future is secure. That God is good. I have hope that I will never be alone, and that this world is a shadow of the amazing, indescribable perfection that is to come. I have hope, because I believe that God really did send His Son to right everything that was broken.
That's hope.

I wrote before that it's not always what happens to us, but how we view what happens to us. Hopeless is ultimately a misperception. That's the secret that the enemy works so tirelessly to keep from us! When we know the TRUTH, suffering actually brings hope. 


The mystery that undoes all of the plans of Satan is joy in the suffering. 

Romans 5:1-8 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, just at the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly... But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I don't have this mastered. But God's shown me the way, and that's a huge start. After all, it's the Truth that sets us free. ;)

looking.for.logos

I've started school full time again, and thus my blogging is taking 2nd fiddle in my writing endeavors. However, for one of my classes, I read a chapter from a book called "Habits of the Mind" by James W. Sire that rocked my world!

Ok backing up, I have to say that naming this blog was a real challenge! I wanted the blog to stand for something more than myself. Even though I strive to be transparent and include my personality and life in my posts, it's not really about me, my day-to-day life, etc. I have a written journal for that, and no one would want to read it. I promise. This blog, as I've mentioned before, was meant to honor God publicly for what He has done and is doing in my life, the things he is teaching me, and more importantly, to hopefully work as a conduit for God's truth. He gave me the name, "looking.for.logos".


A seed was planted in my heart by a teaching series I watched while in St. Louis. The instructor talked about the concept of allowing God to transform our souls (mind, will, and emotions) by His Truth. As part of my healing journey and now my life as a disciple, I'm learning how vital it is to sort out the truth from the lies and to fight for the knowledge of God.

John 8:31-32 is a token verse worth memorizing. "Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

It's obvious, but Jesus was NOT kidding. The lies (strongholds) of the enemy are what systematically break us down. They go from huge fundamental lies like "God does not exist" to personal lies like "I fail at everything I do". It was a lie that lead to the fall of mankind and a system of lies that keep mankind from living in the victory that Christ died to give us. The antidote for Satan's lies, is TRUTH.

There are some that would argue that there is no such thing as absolute truth. Our culture today tells us that truth is a personal thing - It's truth if it is true for me, but it doesn't have to be true for you. We're told that truth is cultural or religious, or preferential. Ultimately, the world (Satan) tells us that truth is relative. Some believe that no one can really ever know the truth. They claim that the truth is ultimately unknowable. But that statement is self-contradicting. Proclaiming the "truth" that truth is unknowable nullifies the statement.

God has given us the absolute Truth through his revelation in Christ and the Scriptures. It is the "logic" of God - His thoughts - His reasoning - His logos - that breaks apart Satan's strongholds and sets us free from sin, doubt, guilt, FEAR, anxiety, hatred, unforgiveness, selfishness, etc. Knowing the truth and holding fast to it allows us to weather any circumstance in life. It gives us HOPE.

James W. Sire says, "The ultimate foundation for human knowing is not the autonomy of human reason; it is not the autonomy of human experience.  The ultimate philosophical and theological foundation for all human knowing is the Logos. The foundation is ontological: God not just as Being but as Reason or Meaning.  And this Logos has an incarnate from - Jesus as 'reasoner'. [Truth]" (Sire, 2000 p.202)

Jesus' ministry here on Earth was to impart a new logic, to teach about the Kingdom of Heaven and His father. Knowing Christ, the Logos of God, and living from the truth of our identities in Him, gives us victory over our enemy and lets us share that truth with others. God has placed a burning desire in me to be "looking for logos" in every situation, every circumstance, every breath. To be listening for the God's Truth in the midst of the flood of other noises. To be seeking after Christ, to know Him better, and to pursue that Truth so that God, through the Holy Spirit, can break down those strongholds in my soul and continue to transform me into the likeness of His Son.

I don't know where God wants to take this blog or even this vision for a future ministry, but I wanted to share a little more about the meaning of the name "looking.for.logos", and hope that others will join me in pursuing Truth/Christ/ and the Logos of God in all things.

asking the tough questions

In my pursuit of a degree in Christian Ministry, I'm enrolled in a "Worldviews" class, which is basically Comparative Religion. I've been asked to take a look at the other major ideologies, dogmas, and philosophies of our age. I've been studying Evangelical Christianity and the Christian Theist worldview - picking it apart step by step and then holding it up to the scrutiny of others to discover why, in the light of so many options, I have chosen Christianity. 

Philosophically, it's frustrating. Academically, it's a challenge. Spiritually, it's an intense exercise. I've had to ask myself some pretty tough questions over the last month, but the faithfulness of God is unmatched. As I look to the other "answers" the world has to offer, I fall deeper in love with God. Deeper in love with His heart toward us. Deeper in love with the great lengths He went to bring us back to Him. So yes, I'm still a Christian, and I'm more appreciative of my faith than ever before. 

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..." 1 Peter 3:15

One of the great issues I've had to tackle in my faith walk has been "suffering".  I've shared in my testimony "About Me" page, that I endured some pretty severe trauma as a child, teen, and young adult. By the time I was ten years old, I was entertaining suicidal thoughts, having already been mistreated for eight years. God gave me a very strong will, however, so when my perpetrators put me in a position that even I in my confusion and fear found to be abhorrent, I protested. Needless to say, "no" was not an answer back then. The summer I was 10 years old, I spent in almost 24 hour captivity and torture. The goal of my abusers was to break my spirit. They wanted complete, unquestioned submission, so they were going to prove to me that I was powerless. My mother had lead me to the Lord when I was five years old, so I had a foundation of faith. I prayed and prayed for God to rescue me, but things got worse and worse. The enemy, through his puppets on Earth, systematically dismantled my hope that summer. I learned not to want anything. Not physical comfort, affection, entertainment, attention, social interaction, kindness, love. And I learned not to need anything. Not food, water, air, sunlight, sleep. I learned that wishing was pointless, prayer was useless, and I was powerless. 

I can not, in any way that would make sense to anyone else, explain the reason that "God would let that happen to an innocent child". I've cried out to Him since then, demanding an answer. But instead of some kind of justification, the Lord was gracious enough to show me His heart. I caught in a moment His immense grief over the situation - more an intense emotion than I've ever been able to feel for myself. 

My personal belief is that God does not cause anyone to suffer - even for the "greater good".  

There is nothing in the character of God that would suggest that He brings about calamity to teach a lesson. Here's what I know: The world is an evil place, but God is good. We are subject to that evil temporarily because we live on planet earth, but God is eternally sovereign. He has prepared a place of perfection, and He has promised to bring good out of every situation. Sh-t happens, but it does not change the fundamental character of God. He is incapable of creating bad. Everything evil in this world was our Enemy's idea, and if God intervened and stopped every evil thing from happening, He would be interrupting His promise to allow us free will - a promise He made out of love. 

Scripture says that Christ was "delivered to death", suggesting a passing off from the perfection of God's economy to the destruction of the world's. "He [Christ] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification". Romans 4:25 I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm saying God didn't cause Jesus to be killed, even for us. God gave His only Son to this broken World (temporarily) where the evil of this world could have its way with Him. BUT, in the end, the Power of God conquered the evil of this world, setting in motion His plan to eradicate evil once and for all.

What about natural disasters like New Orleans and Haiti? (things that have been deemed an "act of God") The Bible calls these things "birth pains" signifying what will become a new heaven and a new earth. It doesn't mean God wants His people to suffer, or that He doesn't grieve intensely over every single lost soul.  

"Then he said to them: 'Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven... There will be signs in the sun, moon, and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.  At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.  When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near." (Luke 21: 10-11 and 25-28)

I didn't understand this truth - especially at 10 years old. I assumed either God couldn't save me, or worse, I wasn't worth saving. I had great faith in the God of the Bible, so I knew he could make the Red Sea part and raise Lazarus from the dead. My suspicion was less in God's character and capability as it was in my own worthiness. I had done something terribly, terribly wrong to deserve the torture. 

That lie haunted the deepest reaches of my heart where shame kept it vaulted away from even my own consciousness.  In order to allow God to reach that place in my heart, I had to go back and reveal to Him the pain of that summer, the incredible shame I felt, and the many, many questions I had. 

At first, it was easier to accept my own fault, because it allowed my picture of God to remain intact. As I understood my own value, I began to question God's. And I think that's a fairly common progression of thought. 

I was tempted to believe that God was a catalyst to set the world in motion and then left it to spin on its own. I wanted to believe that God was dead and the things that happened to me were bad luck or chance. He couldn't rescue me because He didn't exist. I wanted to believe that maybe it was just Karmic justice. Maybe I had been a kitten murderer in another life. (I say that tongue in cheek, but there was some truth to that hope) 

Ultimately, it wasn't by reason or philosophy or by intellect that I learned the Truth. It was learning to trust in my Abba, God, just enough to rest my head on His chest and listen to His heart. And I wilted into arms that said, "I love you. I hate that you were hurt. I'm going to make it right. Please, baby, just trust me." And the power of the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, spoke peace into my soul. 

He spoke Truth and faith and assured me of the things I wanted so desperately to hold onto as a child. Slowly, all of the hope I lost when I was 10 came back. All of that shame and fear and pain, though I remember it vividly and with grief in my heart, lost its power over me. I was able to rest in the arms of a trust-worthy God.

My faith is justifiable by rhetoric and philosophy. It's argumentable by Scripture. But the ultimate stand of my Faith, is that I worship a LIVING God, who takes an active role in revealing Himself to us. It is by that revelation my faith is strengthened and matured. And no other god in the world can offer personal revelation. Even transcendental meditation whereby a person seeks to empty themselves and become one with the One Being, there is no revelation by a personal, loving, good, God. Their One Being can't cradle them in His arms and cry with them, and that's exactly what my Abba did with me on the front porch in the rain.

I didn't really intend to go this direction with this post, but maybe someone needed to hear it.

I share my heart, because I know that my experiences aren't unique. God's longs to reveal Himself to each one of us - in different ways in different times, but the same non-the-less. My encouragement to anyone who may come across this post is to keep seeking, keep asking. Don't let the cynicism of this age strip your hope from you. That's no worse than being held physically captive. Fight against the lies. Fight to find the Truth, because He's offering it. 

God bless you all, I love you dearly.

disassembling lies

One of the most powerful things I experienced in my healing journey was discovering the Truth about myself and God. I mentioned before that it's not so much what we experience in life that harms us, as do the lies we believe as a result of what we experience.  These "strongholds", or as Pastor Les calls them, "demonic logic", are what eat away at our minds, bodies, and souls, and wreak terrible havoc on our ability to live and enjoy life.  Sometimes the lies are pronounced, but some are more subtle, and we don't notice that we are buying into them until Truth comes blaring through.

 Paul talks about this concept in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (just so ya know I'm not making this up)

  "The world doesn't fight fair.  But we don't live or fight our battles that way - never have and never will.  The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture.  We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of a life shaped by Christ." (The Message)

In context, Paul is speaking in defense of his ministry, so the weapons he speaks of are Truth, God-given Understanding, the Scripture, and our Authority in Christ.

With the help of some great mentors, I was exposed to the truth. I wrestled with it, argued with it, and saturated myself with it until the Holy Spirit began to turn head knowledge into a real revelation to me.
I had "head knowledge" for years. I could spout off a ton of memory verses about how "God so loved the world" and we are "created in His image", but it never changed my life. I still, at the core of me, believed that I was an exception. I had a sneaking suspicion that while God loved the world, He was angry with me. Maybe God had great plans for other people, but for some reason, I was sub-par and would fail at even the most mediocre plans He had for me.  And it was just as well.  As long as God and I had a handshake relationship, He couldn't expect too much of me, and I couldn't expect too much from Him.
But when God in the Holy Spirit turns head knowledge into heart revelation, it becomes woven into the fiber of who we are, and untangling it becomes near impossible. That is when real change occurs.

One of my great passions in life is to see people (and hurting girls specifically) discover the Truth.

All of that said, here's one lie we're going to disassemble today:

Lie:  "My existence is an accident. I am on this planet by chance / happenstance / fluke / mistake." 

Truth: "I was created by God on purpose, for a purpose."

There are so many things that I could say regarding this simple truth. It's profound in its simplicity. But it makes such a HUGE difference when we start to understand that we are here by divine will. 
Now, if we believe this, Satan will throw a bunch of things at us regarding God's intention, His decision making skills, our ability to do what God has purposed for us, what it says about us if we aren't walking in God's purpose, or how we've failed in one way or another by simply breathing in and out every day.

FORGET THAT NONSENSE. We'll get there. There are truths to refute all of those arguments.
Today, just revel in the fact that you are not a mistake. You were brought forth from the heart of God, intentionally. He wants you here right now because He has amazing things in mind for you. And no matter what that looks like or how it plays out, His plans for us match our personality, our preferences, dreams, hopes, and abilities. We can be excited about our future, because He's right here with us, glad that we've hung on this long, and excited to show us the next thing.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9


"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love." Ephesians 1:4 (The Message)


"You did no choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last..." John 15:16


"This is the kind of love we are talking about - not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God." 1 John 4:10 (The Message)


I think people like the girl in this video are a special wink from Heaven. How can anyone argue that this precious girl with her amazing abilities came together by a random grouping of cellular energy? There's a Creator at work, here. And while my life may not look at all like this, (although I can hammer out a mean "chopsticks") my life is no less significant and I am no less talented in the area of my destiny.




Addendum:

A dear friend of mine, Tempy, is an awesome example of a heart pursued by God. She has survived horrific abuse and has found herself on the other side sifting through many of the same lies I did. Tempy is a courageous and eloquent woman, and I'm glad to know her. Here's a link to one of her most recent revelations. 

Crackers & Juiceboxes