the Way out of fear

Recently I did an interview for a pretty big city newspaper. I believe strongly in what God does through Mercy Ministries, and on occasion I get the opportunity to speak on their behalf about my experiences. Often times, I'll share a bit about my past and what Mercy is doing to help girls who have been in similar situations. For my part, it's great to testify to what God has done in my life, to educate others about a strong ministry, and to offer hope to girls who may believe there is no hope left.

The article was published with very little identifying information about me, but I was still left with this very unsettled feeling deep down inside. There were certain inaccuracies in the article that nagged at me, but more than that, there was an air of truth to the entire situation that came blaring out in black and white. I'm glad to have given the interview, because I know that God is utterly unhindered by imperfection. At the same time, it's been hard to shake this trembling in the pit of my stomach.

It took a few days, but I was finally able to articulate what the sensation was about.
It was fear. Still, after so many years, the echoes of threats and orders to never tell resonate in the depths. That message was so deeply carved into the makeup of my thoughts, that even now, spilling "secrets" still triggers a knee-jerk fear.


Lord, I don't want to be afraid any more.

I tend to be analytical in my thinking - but analytical on a very basic level. I've learned so much from reverse-engineering enemy tactics, that it has brought validation and meaning to what so many of us have gone through. Please forgive the over-simplification of this trail of thought, but when God connected these verses for me, it made so much sense.

Here's the latest:

Fear is Satan's lock and key. Controlling, manipulative people have known this from the beginning of time. Dictatorships, political games, and even the rumor mill are all driven and perpetuated by the force of fear. Fear is what keeps us from speaking up, stepping out, and moving on. It's a paralyzing agent that binds up mind, body, and will. Fear is why I couldn't break free from my abusers - why I wanted to die. Fear.

I know that Fear is not from God. I don't think He can be more clear than Romans 8:15: "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship."


So if fear is not from God, then HOW to I get free from it?

Fear keeps us locked away - alone. Fear of rejection and abandonment for the vile filth inside of me kept me from meaningful relationships, especially with God. But the very presence of God is what drives away fear! See the strategy? If Satan can keep us in fear, he can keep us from coming into the presence of God - the very antidote for fear!

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love [God]. But perfect love [God] drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect (fully formed, mature) in love." (emphasis mine)   1 John 4:16 "God is love."

So, if fear is driven out in the presence of God, then HOW do I get into the presence of God?
When I learned the answer to this question, I actually got angry, because it is HOPE that brings us into the presence of God. 

Hebrews 6:18-20 "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahed of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek." (The Message)

Perhaps nothing in my childhood was more viscously attacked than hope. Hope is what kept me fighting, and fighting was not what my abusers wanted to see. As a consequence, I spent so many days and nights in fear that I eventually lost my grip on hope. Fear turned into a "knowing".  I knew I was going to die. I knew that no one was coming to save me. I knew I would be misused and hurt and controlled for the rest of my life. As hope broke, my heart slipped even further from the presence of the One who wanted so desperately to take that fear away. The hopelessness is what perpetuated into adulthood. The hopelessness is what almost cost me my life.

See, if Satan can steal our hope, he can keep us from entering into the presence of God where His love drives away all fear. As long as we remain in fear, we remain slaves to our enemy.

What do I hope in? I have hope that what God says is true. That everything will work out for good. That He will never leave me. That my future is secure. That God is good. I have hope that I will never be alone, and that this world is a shadow of the amazing, indescribable perfection that is to come. I have hope, because I believe that God really did send His Son to right everything that was broken.
That's hope.

I wrote before that it's not always what happens to us, but how we view what happens to us. Hopeless is ultimately a misperception. That's the secret that the enemy works so tirelessly to keep from us! When we know the TRUTH, suffering actually brings hope. 


The mystery that undoes all of the plans of Satan is joy in the suffering. 

Romans 5:1-8 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, just at the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly... But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I don't have this mastered. But God's shown me the way, and that's a huge start. After all, it's the Truth that sets us free. ;)

times they are a changin

Change is difficult. 
Even when the changes are positive, the very fact of difference is a challenge to cope with. I used to get angry with myself for my apparent weakness and lack of adaptability. I've found, though, that God has created us for stability. Made in the image of Him, who is the same beyond time, we have a glimmer of the unchangeable One in our makeup.

Our family moved this past weekend. There were so many reasons to move on, most practically that we had simply outgrown it. For some reason, the boys continue to get taller and my daughter seems to acquire "stuff" at a rate I doubt the Roman Conquest ever saw. My husband and I are coming into our... thirties... we need our space. We can't live in dorm-sized accommodations like those college kids. It's exhausting! Regardless, we prayed and waited and planned to move for about six months (which seemed like so much longer), and finally, God brought us to the house He had in mind for us.

We love it. It boasts an additional bedroom and a great rec space for the kids so that the adults can stake our claim in a crumb-free zone. (we'll see how long it stays that way) It's a peaceful place, and for the first time in my adult life minus one year, I do not have to share a wall with any neighboring residents. The kids are released to be the free-range chaos they were intended to be without fear of hushing. My husband finally has the office he has long deserved.

Change, though, is hard! As I watched my pasta over cook, I had my husband running to the van to see if he could find the box with our colander in it. I can't find the light switches, and I have this strange sensation that I ought to be wearing flip-flops in the shower. We live in a different part of town, so I'm unfamiliar with the local grocery store or the fastest route to school. I had to switch Walgreens, which just makes me feel like I'm cheating on my old one! Even the kids, as adaptable as they are, are stretching for a full night's sleep with all of the new noises to wake them.

As a child, I relied on predictability for survival. Anyone who has grown up in the throws of violence understands the over-trained ability to read body language and mood shifts in the room. If I knew what was coming, even if it was painful, I could at least prepare. Some of my most terrifying memories from childhood involve being caught off guard in one way or another. I still live most days in a state of hyper-awareness. I sense shifts in atmosphere like a deer with a flickering tail, ever ready to bolt at the first sign of danger. And, of course, it affects my spiritual outlook.

We all inherently associate God with our primary childhood guardians. I had read about the Lord who turned women into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and ruined cities and made fish eat people. I paralleled God with an angry, impulsive, vindictive man - but I was comfortable with that. I knew how to deal with His sort. All I had to do to survive was figure out what pleased Him and made Him angry, and then be sure to do the right things so as to stay in His good graces. Problem is, God's standards are impossibly high.

I had also read about a loving, steadfast, and faithful Father. Oddly, I was less comfortable with this image than the former. I couldn't sort out the dichotomy I saw in destruction and protection, and this seeming changeability made God frighteningly unpredictable. Verses about God's unchanging nature made no sense. Was He just predictably unpredictable?

I had failed to grasp the simple fact that God is not a man. God is LOVE. Not as a descriptor, but as an essential to who He is. I came to know the true heart of God, learning to discard the fears of my past and let go of my false assumptions. See, God is not made in the image of man. He is not a reflection of our nature. We are a reflection of HIS. I had to toss aside everything that I thought I understood about how to approach the throne and trust. God is not to be figured out, but to be believed. Somehow, I had to take Him at His word and hear His heart.

I am finding a truly unchangeable Father. He is not only good, He is always good. He is not only loving, He is always loving.

There are so many changeable things in this world. Life is a breath. Nothing is truly predictable. Change, even of the good kind, happens every single day. And Change is hard. But circumstances to do not change who He is. Through pain and loss and fear and heartache and victory and laughter, God is and always will be the pure, sweet Truth.

God is the rock that we can cling to in the chaos. In the tossing waves and shifting sand, He is the same. There is safety in stability in knowing that when the world falls apart around us, we can look into the eyes of a God who regards us with unwavering adoration. Gone are the days of trembling before the doorknob, terrified to reach out because I did not know what I would get. There is so much comfort in knowing that every, single time I approach the throne of Grace, I will meet the same Lord with the same open arms. Every time.

I sit in my chair in my new house and lean upon the One who remains The Same despite the geographic shift. I pray the protection of The Same over my kids in their new rooms. I trust in The Same traveling down new roads of every kind. Thank God, because I don't want to be afraid any more. 

"You laid earths' foundations a long time ago, and handcrafted the very heavens; You'll still be around when they're long gone, threadbare and discarded like an old suit of clothes. You'll throw them away like a worn-out coat, but year after year you're good as new.  Your servant's children will have a good place to live and their children will be at home with you." (Psalm 102:27, The Message)


"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17, NIV)

status update

It's been an interesting week. A whole lot of days of willing my way through the fog of my body's fight against viral invasion. For those who have been praying, the stomach is doing much better, thanks. The head cold is quite a headache... (LOL - I'm so funny).  But, I have to tell you... I have NOT been dealing with the ridiculous mental onslaught that has accompanied my physical symptoms, thank God!!

Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them."

So here's some transparency:
Before God brought me out of the turmoil of PTSD and terrible depression, I would spend day after day in bed. I was completely immobilized, barely conscious, full to the gill with prescription drugs, and utterly laid open for Satan to proclaim lies over me day after day. I felt horribly guilty for not participating in my kids' lives, for being a horrible wife, and for leaving my house in shambles. I carried so much shame, guilt, and condemnation for the state that I was in, and that weight kept me paralyzed even further. It was a viscous cycle. And it's painful to admit just how out of control I felt - how useless and hopeless.

Thank God He lead me to Mercy and freedom. I don't live caught between dread and regret - constantly ripped apart by these two forms of fear.  But lately, as I've been "less-than-healthy" this past month, the same thoughts try to creep in and take me out.
"You're still no different", "See? Still worthless to your family", "You're letting them down, again."

I was beginning to despair a little bit. Afraid that I was "reverting" for some reason. Feeling guilty that I couldn't get up and out of bed and do all of the things I've been waiting to do for my family. I spent a good, full night talking to God about my physical maladies, asking if it was something spiritual that I needed Him to show me or something from my past that I haven't yet dealt with. I begged Him to lead me to the right paths to put this all behind me.
I didn't hear anything perfectly clear that night, except to trust Him, and to never take a single day of health for granted. Those were the impressions I had in my spirit.  I remain open for more after confessing my fear and doubt and leaning into trust and expectation.

I can say, though, that this week, it's like the veil's been lifted. I'm more able to express what I need, not feel guilty about the times I need to rest, and let the house be as the house is without feeling condemned by it. And instead of feeling defeated and worn down, I'm able to get up and do things more readily even when I don't feel the greatest. Nothing has really shifted except that I know that God's grace is all over me. And I know that the prayers of His kids make a huge difference.
So thank you all. And thank you, God.  I know Your work in me is never complete, but is ongoing until I see your face.  :)

James 5:15-16 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well' the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 


2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."


"And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." (The Message)