status update

It's been an interesting week. A whole lot of days of willing my way through the fog of my body's fight against viral invasion. For those who have been praying, the stomach is doing much better, thanks. The head cold is quite a headache... (LOL - I'm so funny).  But, I have to tell you... I have NOT been dealing with the ridiculous mental onslaught that has accompanied my physical symptoms, thank God!!

Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them."

So here's some transparency:
Before God brought me out of the turmoil of PTSD and terrible depression, I would spend day after day in bed. I was completely immobilized, barely conscious, full to the gill with prescription drugs, and utterly laid open for Satan to proclaim lies over me day after day. I felt horribly guilty for not participating in my kids' lives, for being a horrible wife, and for leaving my house in shambles. I carried so much shame, guilt, and condemnation for the state that I was in, and that weight kept me paralyzed even further. It was a viscous cycle. And it's painful to admit just how out of control I felt - how useless and hopeless.

Thank God He lead me to Mercy and freedom. I don't live caught between dread and regret - constantly ripped apart by these two forms of fear.  But lately, as I've been "less-than-healthy" this past month, the same thoughts try to creep in and take me out.
"You're still no different", "See? Still worthless to your family", "You're letting them down, again."

I was beginning to despair a little bit. Afraid that I was "reverting" for some reason. Feeling guilty that I couldn't get up and out of bed and do all of the things I've been waiting to do for my family. I spent a good, full night talking to God about my physical maladies, asking if it was something spiritual that I needed Him to show me or something from my past that I haven't yet dealt with. I begged Him to lead me to the right paths to put this all behind me.
I didn't hear anything perfectly clear that night, except to trust Him, and to never take a single day of health for granted. Those were the impressions I had in my spirit.  I remain open for more after confessing my fear and doubt and leaning into trust and expectation.

I can say, though, that this week, it's like the veil's been lifted. I'm more able to express what I need, not feel guilty about the times I need to rest, and let the house be as the house is without feeling condemned by it. And instead of feeling defeated and worn down, I'm able to get up and do things more readily even when I don't feel the greatest. Nothing has really shifted except that I know that God's grace is all over me. And I know that the prayers of His kids make a huge difference.
So thank you all. And thank you, God.  I know Your work in me is never complete, but is ongoing until I see your face.  :)

James 5:15-16 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well' the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 


2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."


"And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." (The Message)

rain

I'm really not feeling very well today. It's been a tricky, undefinable, exceedingly frustrating set of symptoms that have lasted about a month, now. Some days, I wake up great! I have energy, my thoughts are clear, my day is organized. And then some days, I wake up, and I'm incapacitated. Not mentally or emotionally (though after a day or two the mental games start...), but physically, I am unable to get out of bed.  Or, once I'm finally up, it's not long before I'm back in bed.
Today was one of the latter days. Please pray for my family. We've fought too hard and God has done too much to let a single day pass by without His best for our family. Like I wrote yesterday, sometimes the way that I expected things to lay out are completely different from His plan. Why did I finally come out of a three-year-long, life-threatening depression just to find myself in bed with a tummy ache?  I know that God did not make me sick. Neither physically or in my emotions. But I do know that He brings all things together for good.

grace is enough

My counselor at Mercy was big on the phrase, "Be sick like an adult". Identify what my needs are, express them and get them met, and then stop whining. Yeah. I'm only partly winning. After eight days of random symptoms, low grade fevers, and extreme fatigue, I decided to finally go to the doctor this morning. Everything looks great except that my lymph nodes are swollen. She said I'm definitely fighting off something, but she suspects it's viral and that I should feel much better in the next 2-3 days.
They ran a CBC and a Blood Chem just to make sure every thing's copacetic.

As much as I've given my best effort to continue with life as normal even though I'm so tired and achy that all I desire is my bed, It's super frustrating to be "under the weather". But I'm learning more and more to watch the thoughts that assault my lil tired mind.
Our Psalm for today in Psalm 19:14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer". 
That's all well and good, but how?  2 Corinthians 10:4-5  "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
The Message Bible writes "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ." (emphasis mine)

I gotta admit. The last thing I've wanted to do over the past couple of days is study the Bible. My flesh is screaming, "OUCH! SLEEP!"  And I definitely don't want to over-spiritualize things. I'm an etherial being living in a concrete world. (that sounded like a Madonna song) It makes no sense to forfeit our present, natural reality completely... hence, my visit to the doctor this morning! But I also know that there is more to this life than what we can see.
So, while my body does its work to fight off this virus of sorts, it is my responsibility to keep my mind fixed on things above. To do my part in the Spiritual sense so that I stay on top of the real battle. That battle is in my mind.
Speaking the Word aloud - quoting scriptures - just hearing them come out of my own mouth builds my faith. Praying in honesty and reading the Bible, even when it seems to make little to no sense. It's going in, and the Holy Spirit is doing a work whether I see immediate results or not.
I'm sharing this because I needed the kick in the butt I got from God this morning. No time is wasted unless I allow it. And just because I feel icky doesn't mean that I have the right to remain idle in my quest for Him.
I sound really holy, huh? :) heh.  Yeah, I'm going to finish this blog, finish my Bible reading, pray and take a nap. Shield of faith up, sword of the spirit armed and ready. God, you gotta do the rest.

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

Define Irony

So, I don't know if anyone else notices this in their lives, but it's so predictable that it's funny.

Whenever God really starts talking to me about something, I'm almost immediately tested in that area. It may be that I am just more keyed in to the topic, like when you're looking to buy a car that you've never really heard much about, but suddenly they are all over the road. As if everyone simultaneously got the idea to buy the exact same car the exact same week.

Not two hours after I got all hyped about being a Xena the Warrior Princess (minus the horrible acting and all associated idioms), Satan lobbed a hand grenade over the fence, and I found myself face to face with my raw humanity.

Alex was home from school, because he woke up not feeling well. We had a peaceful morning and early afternoon, but after he awoke from a nap, he was in horrible pain. Headache, rapidly climbing fever, sore throat, nausea, the whole nine yards. He was inconsolable, so I called the Dr. and squeezed him in to a 4:40pm appointment.  Somehow, within 50 minutes, I needed to get my daughter and I dressed and out the door, pick up my middle son from my mother-in-law's house, pick up Kurt from work (we are a one car family at the moment), get everyone to their designated locations, and get Alex to the doctor.

It did not go well. My shield of faith was trampled by my four-year old's tantrum about her pants being too tight. My son's symptoms randomly responded (after 2 hours) to the Tylenol I'd given him. I also had an embarrassing lack of an insurance card. My double edged sword got lodged in the 3 foot snow bank out in front of my house, and my temper went through the roof.

I drove down 72nd street with tears streaming down my face and my prayers sounding whiney and pitiful instead of victorious and authoritative.

But God is faithful. Annabelle was satiated by the candy cane, Kurt found a ride and a way to pick up Isaac, the insurance information was on file (with no co-pay), and our trip to the doctor was not in vain... Alex has a full-blown case of strep. (not that I'm glad that he's sick :(, but I feel less stupid about taking a healthy-seeming kid to the doctor no matter what his symptoms were doing two hours previous)

So here I am, none-the-less victorious, begging my emotions to line up with the Truth of God's Word. Resting in His presence while my sons play computer and my daughter watches "Angelina Ballerina" on Netflix.

Just so everyone knows my life is super real. :)