summer scoop

Things have been pretty crazy on all fronts. The summer is going really well so far, all things considered. The kids are happy and pretty entertained, I've had the opportunity to spend some time with good friends, the kids went to VBS, I passed my first two classes with high scores, and we have a family reunion coming up. Many of my fears have abated, though, I must admit to a little nervous tummy at night in anticipation of the next day's unpredictability.

Somehow, though I couldn't say how exactly, things are always moving! Maybe it's the constant hum of three little ones in the house, or the non-stop morning till night always feeling like there's something to be done. Now that I've finished (on Friday) my first two classes, my stress over school should lighten significantly. But I've noticed a decided decline in my time for quiet with God.
Normally, that is the type of thing I would beat myself up over, like the crumbs in the couch and the dirty laundry piled up in the hallway by the washer. I treasure my time with God - time to read my Bible, time to think, time to pray, time to worship. It honors Him when we give Him the "first fruits" of our days. I feel safe though (and other busy moms in significant ministry positions will back me up on this) in stealing moments of prayer, singing in the car, and snagging a verse or two and holding on to it all week. There are seasons of great intimate time spent with the Lord, and I adore those seasons. And there are seasons where that is less realistic. My heart posture, however, is toward Heaven (most of the time...), and I know that honors God as well.

In the latter seasons, I crave to experience more intimacy with God. To be able to hear His voice as clearly as I did while walking alone outside in St. Louis. To have an opportunity to worship in a corporate setting every single day, and in that expression, to be blessed as I pour my heart out to Him. Time spent doesn't necessarily equal greater intimacy, however for one like me, relatively new at walking hand in hand with God every day, it sure is helpful. Consequently, in this season of "lack of quiet" (I don't want to say "busy", because it sounds like I'm working to accomplish something, and that's not always the case), I sometimes have this question...

"God, are You still there?" 

Does He know I love Him? That I want so badly to do right by Him? That I struggle to receive His Grace and Love in a season where I can't work to earn it? Is He mad at me?
Oh, our enemy can have a hay-day messing with our minds if we start to feel the least bit insecure about our relationship with God.

The truth is, 
He promised never to leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)
He promised that nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:38-39)
He promised that I am in right-standing with Him, by virtue of the fact that Christ is my Lord. (Romans 3:22)
He promised that I do not have to earn His love. (Ephesians 1:6)
He promised that I am forgiven - no matter what - the second I ask. (1 John 1:9)

I love this song by Brooke Fraser. (I love a lot of songs by Brooke) The lyrics are profound, and remind me of the everlasting faithfulness of God's love and presence.

Hope it blesses you. :)

status update

It's been an interesting week. A whole lot of days of willing my way through the fog of my body's fight against viral invasion. For those who have been praying, the stomach is doing much better, thanks. The head cold is quite a headache... (LOL - I'm so funny).  But, I have to tell you... I have NOT been dealing with the ridiculous mental onslaught that has accompanied my physical symptoms, thank God!!

Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them."

So here's some transparency:
Before God brought me out of the turmoil of PTSD and terrible depression, I would spend day after day in bed. I was completely immobilized, barely conscious, full to the gill with prescription drugs, and utterly laid open for Satan to proclaim lies over me day after day. I felt horribly guilty for not participating in my kids' lives, for being a horrible wife, and for leaving my house in shambles. I carried so much shame, guilt, and condemnation for the state that I was in, and that weight kept me paralyzed even further. It was a viscous cycle. And it's painful to admit just how out of control I felt - how useless and hopeless.

Thank God He lead me to Mercy and freedom. I don't live caught between dread and regret - constantly ripped apart by these two forms of fear.  But lately, as I've been "less-than-healthy" this past month, the same thoughts try to creep in and take me out.
"You're still no different", "See? Still worthless to your family", "You're letting them down, again."

I was beginning to despair a little bit. Afraid that I was "reverting" for some reason. Feeling guilty that I couldn't get up and out of bed and do all of the things I've been waiting to do for my family. I spent a good, full night talking to God about my physical maladies, asking if it was something spiritual that I needed Him to show me or something from my past that I haven't yet dealt with. I begged Him to lead me to the right paths to put this all behind me.
I didn't hear anything perfectly clear that night, except to trust Him, and to never take a single day of health for granted. Those were the impressions I had in my spirit.  I remain open for more after confessing my fear and doubt and leaning into trust and expectation.

I can say, though, that this week, it's like the veil's been lifted. I'm more able to express what I need, not feel guilty about the times I need to rest, and let the house be as the house is without feeling condemned by it. And instead of feeling defeated and worn down, I'm able to get up and do things more readily even when I don't feel the greatest. Nothing has really shifted except that I know that God's grace is all over me. And I know that the prayers of His kids make a huge difference.
So thank you all. And thank you, God.  I know Your work in me is never complete, but is ongoing until I see your face.  :)

James 5:15-16 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well' the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 


2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."


"And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." (The Message)