Friday, February 26, 2010

status update

It's been an interesting week. A whole lot of days of willing my way through the fog of my body's fight against viral invasion. For those who have been praying, the stomach is doing much better, thanks. The head cold is quite a headache... (LOL - I'm so funny).  But, I have to tell you... I have NOT been dealing with the ridiculous mental onslaught that has accompanied my physical symptoms, thank God!!

Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them."

So here's some transparency:
Before God brought me out of the turmoil of PTSD and terrible depression, I would spend day after day in bed. I was completely immobilized, barely conscious, full to the gill with prescription drugs, and utterly laid open for Satan to proclaim lies over me day after day. I felt horribly guilty for not participating in my kids' lives, for being a horrible wife, and for leaving my house in shambles. I carried so much shame, guilt, and condemnation for the state that I was in, and that weight kept me paralyzed even further. It was a viscous cycle. And it's painful to admit just how out of control I felt - how useless and hopeless.

Thank God He lead me to Mercy and freedom. I don't live caught between dread and regret - constantly ripped apart by these two forms of fear.  But lately, as I've been "less-than-healthy" this past month, the same thoughts try to creep in and take me out.
"You're still no different", "See? Still worthless to your family", "You're letting them down, again."

I was beginning to despair a little bit. Afraid that I was "reverting" for some reason. Feeling guilty that I couldn't get up and out of bed and do all of the things I've been waiting to do for my family. I spent a good, full night talking to God about my physical maladies, asking if it was something spiritual that I needed Him to show me or something from my past that I haven't yet dealt with. I begged Him to lead me to the right paths to put this all behind me.
I didn't hear anything perfectly clear that night, except to trust Him, and to never take a single day of health for granted. Those were the impressions I had in my spirit.  I remain open for more after confessing my fear and doubt and leaning into trust and expectation.

I can say, though, that this week, it's like the veil's been lifted. I'm more able to express what I need, not feel guilty about the times I need to rest, and let the house be as the house is without feeling condemned by it. And instead of feeling defeated and worn down, I'm able to get up and do things more readily even when I don't feel the greatest. Nothing has really shifted except that I know that God's grace is all over me. And I know that the prayers of His kids make a huge difference.
So thank you all. And thank you, God.  I know Your work in me is never complete, but is ongoing until I see your face.  :)

James 5:15-16 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well' the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 

2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

"And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." (The Message)


Bravehearts said...

Thank you so much for your transparency, Emily. Sharing your struggles and your insight even when you don't have full answers or feel something is "closed" is so helpful to me. Not only does it give me insight into your world, but it helps remind me to go to God and go to the scriptures when I struggle or question.

You truly are a warrior for Christ!

emily said...

Thanks so much for your constant encouragement. <3 u and can't wait to see you in a little over a week!!