Abide

You know, it doesn't take much. That left hook - when you were looking for the right - that blindsides you and knocks you out cold with one hit. It's a suckerpunch to the jaw and suddenly the world goes dark and you find yourself groping around, fingers reaching out for the familiar. It can happen in an instant - the world tilts and turns and you know that it's never going to be the same again. Thank God we have a Rock immovable. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the handle we find in the inky black that gives us some kind of orientation to the "right".

It's in these moments (and the moments after) that it's so crucial to hold on to Truth. But what about when I feel so breathless and disoriented that I just don't feel like I can summon the strength to hold on to anything? My fingers go numb and my muscles refuse to obey the command to "hold on". What then?

My best friend once made me a painting in the worst of times, and on it is the word, "stay". It still hangs in my bedroom. Stay. When there is nothing I can do, sometimes it's the things I don't do that become paramount choices. Don't run away - Don't distract or withdraw or act out in a way I think is going to somehow alleviate the panic. Don't shut down, Don't give up, Don't throw it all away for what you can only feel in this moment. Don't unplug from the Source. Don't jump off the Vine.

Jesus invites us to abide. He doesn't ask us to stress and strain and try to fix it all or figure it out. He doesn't ask us to summon some sort of burst of giant faith and push out positive thinking. He doesn't need us to pray the perfect prayers or sing the right songs. Jesus only asks us to "stay". 

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener... Remain [abide] in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain [abide] in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains [abides] in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you... As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain [abide] in my love..." 
John 15:1-10

This passage is not a threat. Hear the tone of Jesus' voice, so loving and matter-of-fact. He's speaking Truth; calmly and carefully repeating himself so that we don't miss it.

What does a branch do to remain in the vine? 
Literally, the answer is: It doesn't fall off. 


How much effort does it take to simply stay? Remain. He's already here. We're already loved. We just have to remain. Don't fall off - don't run off and try to do it by your own strength alone. Don't get despondent and succumb to the lazy self-pity that says, "Well, I guess He doesn't love me anymore..." Don't turn your back on Jesus, just remain.

I can do that, Lord. I can abide. I don't have the strength to figure it out. I don't understand - I have so many questions and I feel so weak and tired. I can't imagine taking another step right now. But I trust You enough to know that You've somehow got this. You have eternity in mind for me. So I choose to stay. I can't hold on, but I won't let go.

www.flickr.com - Kalecik Karası Grape-vine (Kalecikkarasi) 

*FYI, my family is fine. I'm just having to face some things from my past that are new and shocking and difficult. But we're ok. Just didn't want any of my friends to panic. ;)

this year

I have drafts for about three different posts in the queue, but I can't seem to bring myself to finish them right now. Timing, I guess, because I've been avoiding writing about what's truly on my heart.

I didn't want to write it because it's not really all in the "spirit of the holidays". In fact, some days I'm having trouble seeing the silver lining at all. I know it's there, though. That presence of the Lord that radiates through the darkest personal moments. Sometimes it takes faith to see it.

My whole life, the beauty of this season has been tainted by a dark hand of fear - a threat or realized pain from a person in my past still refusing to let go. Our birthdays are a day apart, which he always said made me some kind of special. He had a habit of ascribing great meaning to the meaningless. So in the joy and anticipation of parties and friends and presents, I always had to deal with what would be taken from me instead of given. Any more, he is a menace - quickly losing his power and throwing a tantrum because of it. God has given me back my voice and choice to resist. God has given me friends who understand my situation and rally in the tough times. It's no longer a war I fight alone, but with an army by my side, so the enemy looks smaller and smaller every year.

Still, there is the act of faith. "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:26) speaks to letting our hands do the talking when we talk about faith in God. I think, though, that part of those "works" can be the daily walking out of what we cannot see or touch. As one who faced debilitating depression, I know it can be as simple as getting out of bed, showering, and getting dressed. Faith that the day holds more than the pain inside. Faith that God has a purpose for these moments, even the seemingly insignificant, and that His sovereign power is working out a masterpiece with all of the shattered pieces.

I still wake up heavy with the memories of this time. I still struggle with fear as the sun sets in the evening. I still take practical precautions to ensure that my family's safety is secure. Until this person has a "Road to Damascus" experience or dies, I will most likely always have to be proactive during this time.

It's unfair and infuriating and I can finally feel that. This is a precious time of celebration and giving and beauty in the simple things. This is a season of unity and the recognition of that common bond that spans color and creed and gender and social standing. And I'm incredibly grateful for what the Lord has restored to me. This is my first year home, whole, and happy in five years. I celebrated three birthdays in one treatment center or another, because of that pitiful manipulator.
This year, however, I got to enjoy my daughter's beautiful anticipation and my son's amazement that his friends from school would honor his birthday. This year, I get to live in the victory of the freedom and choices that God has given me as I celebrate the fact that I'm GLAD to be alive. I'm grateful for it.

It's another lesson in the bittersweet - in reclaiming that which the enemy stole from me, one calendar date at a time. But I don't have to do it alone, and that makes all the difference. As my counselor at Mercy used to say, "It's not the absence of struggle, but the presence of God in the midst." 

clinging

I've hesitated to write because I'm so much in the middle of it. But God's been so faithful in the midst, that I had to share this one thing.


One way that Satan pokes at me is to convince me that I will slip, spin, and spiral back into that black void of hopelessness and despair that almost swallowed my very heartbeat. So in times when emotions run high and tears run free, I become frantic - clawing like a kitty on the drapes so as not to fall back into old habits, old thought patterns, and old defeat. Most of the time, when I push the kids down into the living room so that I can cry in peace, I whimper out to God, "I'm not strong enough..." And instead of mocking my frailty, He answers, "I know".


At my Tuesday morning Bible study, Hearts Omaha, we talked about the discipline of meditation. How powerful it is to meditate upon the Word of God and the promises He makes to those who will dwell on His words. Ann Voskamp, author of the amazing blog, A Holy Experience, said, "All the heart knows is what it know by heart". She writes "Repetition is the way we revive a failing faith, the slow pumping of life into the lungs, again, again, with the breath of His Words."


That's what meditating on God's Word has meant to me this week - the repetition of His words of comfort and Grace. And so, more than once a day - more like every time I reach out my heartstrings searching for a lifeline, He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

This is the meditation of my heart through the tantrums and trials. Through the times when I simply cannot will myself to stand up and put one more bead on a string, or even drive through a fast food restaurant to feed my family, I roll over and over in my heart,


"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
(2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV)

hope in the asking

 It's indicative of my past, but I become distant and quiet when things get intense. I was telling a friend just tonight that I have turtle-like characteristics. Have you seen how fast a turtle can move? Not those giant ones, but regular old box turtles. 

When things are going pretty smoothly, I'm cruising along with my neck way out - interacting, committing, experiencing, and leading. 

But when things get crazy, it's like, "POP". The head goes in and the mobility comes to a screeching halt. 

Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Grief is hard. It's hard because it's one of those times when the healthy thing to do is feel all of those nasty negative emotions I try so hard to ignore. I've mentioned this need to get away from pain for fear that it will linger on forever. Learning that it won't makes the process no less uncomfortable - just perhaps less hopeless.

I've thought a lot about whether or not to share what I'm about to share. But this blog has been so much about my heart and journey and God in it, that to keep it to myself seems... dishonest. (This is a personal conviction and not a projection.) I write from the depths of my heart, and right now, this is pretty much what's in the deep of it. 

My husband and I have just recently gone through a miscarriage. Most people didn't even know that I was pregnant, because we kind of like to wait until the first trimester is through before we share. The news was a shock to us. We weren't planning on having any more kids at this point, because we're just so delighted (and busy) with what we have. But, as reality set in, a space was made in my heart for this new little one. 

At our first appointment, the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. The blood work came back with not-so-great results, and we were kept waiting for two weeks until a second ultrasound confirmed what we feared in the first. Little pea grew to about 7 weeks and then stopped. At what would have been about 12 weeks, we decided to let the doctor do a procedure to ensure that I wouldn't end up with further complications. All in all, it has been a heartbreaking and fairly traumatic experience. And I'm not going to lie, it's been faith-shaking. 

During the two weeks of waiting, I was in a fog of shock. To be completely honest, I didn't know what to pray for. I didn't know what I wanted. It sounds so strange, but I could envision my future with a new baby and without. And truthfully, I was terrified to ask for the life of my child and then be let down. I shielded myself from the hope that things could turn out alright. At the same time, this flicker of positive expectation would not die in me. 

I remember standing during the opening praise set at my Bible Study, my hands out in front of me and palms up toward heaven as though I were holding something. I couldn't sing, I could only stand in God's presence and be. I felt God nudge me to ask what I was afraid to ask. The Holy Spirit stirred in me to pray what I was afraid to pray. Hopelessness washed over me as I tried to steel myself for the pain of disappointment. More than anything, I did not want to be hurt again. 

God is gentle and good and persistent. I can't describe it, but in my spirit I heard Him say, "Just ask me". It wasn't accompanied by a promise, like "Just ask me and it'll be Ok". In fact, I had no peace either way about the outcome. But God was challenging me on my fear. He just wanted me to trust Him enough to ask. So in that moment, I prayed, "Lord, please let this baby live."

That's when the tears came. For the first time in all of the confusion and chaos, I collapsed before my God and let myself be vulnerable to Him. It was the first time I had really surrendered the situation to Him - and it came in the form of a request. 

See, as long as I was playing my cards close to my chest, I still had control of the game. Feigning indifference allowed me to say, "Ok God, whatever you think is best" in a very flippant and detached manner. It looks like faith. But it's not honest. It's the surrender of a conquered soul, not a soul won by love. It speaks to defeat, not faith.

In asking for what my heart truly wanted, I set myself up for hope. I chose to place a dream in the hands of my Father and fully trust Him with the outcome. I also set myself up for disappointment and heartbreak and loss. And it was really, really hard. 

Ultimately, I did not get what I asked for. I have no idea why. But honestly, seriously, I love my Lord as much now as ever. I trust Him, because I know that He heard me and He holds our future. We lost our baby, but I did not lose HOPE. And maybe that's the beauty for these ashes. Maybe my defeatist surrender would have yielded a cold distance between me and God. As it is, I can pound on His chest and scream my questions at Him, but I'm close enough that I can feel His warmth and He can wrap His arms around my soul and minister healing. 

Grief is hard. And healing from this loss will be a process. And God is right here with me.

Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Audrey Assad

With so much victory behind me, sometimes I feel like I have to put on a brave face, when in reality, things just really hurt. I trust my Lord, my heart is full of faith, and He knows that. But today, He just let me cry. And I feel better. :)

always learning

Sometimes the past becomes very present. Because I still live in the same area where so many difficult things happened, I'm still prone to attempts by others to lure me back into that old way of life. Those who like to control others are not fond of losing control. As difficult as it has been for me to break free, it is more difficult for some (especially the Enemy) to let go. But God is so much bigger than any devil, man, or circumstance, past - present - and future.

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6, NIV



I am learning to walk on new legs of Victory and Faith, and while my legs may wobble and even collapse at times, God is always faithful to pick me up again.  (In this illustration, God is Thumper from Disney's Bambi... but I think that's Ok...)





I wanted to share a couple of the things that God is revealing to me, because it is times like these - the harder times - that the true power of Christ shines through. Christianity, unlike any other religion on the planet, not only offers an explanation for suffering; it offers true, unparalleled hope in the midst.

I'm not a huge fan of uncomfortable feelings. Which, I suppose, by definition makes them uncomfortable. As soon as I find myself experiencing something unpleasant inside of me, I immediately want it gone. In the past, I would try to push the feelings away with substances, self harm, or emotional numbing. Even now, I try to push the feelings away by distracting myself with inane things, or demanding that God immediately rectify the situation. I find myself getting frustrated with God when He doesn't swoop down in the way I want Him to in the timing I want Him to and fix everything. A lot of those emotions are born of a legitimate fear that the discomfort will persist for a very, very long time. Spending the formative years of my life in a state of perpetual fear gave me the impression that feelings, once felt, linger for intolerably long periods of time.

God is teaching me that life is different now. He is showing me little crevices that I can slip into to weather out the storm. I am learning to trust that feelings are temporary, and even the feelings that don't seem temporary are bearable with God's help. Understand that I have heard this all before. "The sun will come out, TOMORROW!" But when the blackness lingers past what I felt I could tolerate, I created my own little sun in my own little way to try to push the darkness back. I had to get my hands on some real truth - some truth that would sustain me through anything.

Sometimes, I find it helpful to read the Psalms aloud. Psalm 118 above, Psalm 91, Psalm 31, and Psalm 23 are great places to start. They are honesty, born out of trial, that express the human condition without apology, but also point to the One who is able.
Music is another way that I fill myself with truth. Kari Jobe, Brooke Fraiser, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Matt Redman, Hillsong, Gateway, and Desperation Band all have amazingly appropriate songs for when we struggle. There are times, though, when the Bible feels too heavy and the songs start to blend together, and I've had to find other ways to refuel.
I've been blessed over the years to have friends and family that have written me encouraging letters and notes. Especially having been in the hospital so much, I've received some of the most uplifting words. God speaks through people still, today. I pull out those notes from time to time as a tangible, flesh-on reminder of God's love. I recently pulled out my "good-bye" book from Mercy, where many of the girls I lived with wrote messages to me when they graduated. Those words are prophecy of life to me. It was so encouraging.
Getting outside and experiencing Creation is extremely cathartic. My best friend and I used to wait for rainstorms and intentionally walk/play/lie down in the rain. It's like heaven pouring down, lighting up every sense in my body. I feel present, grounded, and alive. With all of the weather we've been having this summer, I should do that again!
Calling or texting a good friend, while praying specifically for encouragement is amazing. God wants to bless you. He wants to hold you in His arms. He will speak through His Word, through songs, through creation, and through others, if we listen. It is the moments of experiencing His love that make weathering the storm possible. Listening to music doesn't make the problem go away. It may not even change how you're feeling - but that's not the point.
The point is to listen for a touch from heaven, and to receive. God's done some pretty amazing things over these past few weeks - going out of His way to prove His love for me. Some mornings, I wake up overwhelmed and frustrated, and those feelings stay throughout the day. Some mornings, though, I wake up with hope, and that's a very new and different way of walking through a trial.

Grateful and always learning.

"When David and his men came to Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep... David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God." 1 Samuel 30: 3-6

rain

I'm really not feeling very well today. It's been a tricky, undefinable, exceedingly frustrating set of symptoms that have lasted about a month, now. Some days, I wake up great! I have energy, my thoughts are clear, my day is organized. And then some days, I wake up, and I'm incapacitated. Not mentally or emotionally (though after a day or two the mental games start...), but physically, I am unable to get out of bed.  Or, once I'm finally up, it's not long before I'm back in bed.
Today was one of the latter days. Please pray for my family. We've fought too hard and God has done too much to let a single day pass by without His best for our family. Like I wrote yesterday, sometimes the way that I expected things to lay out are completely different from His plan. Why did I finally come out of a three-year-long, life-threatening depression just to find myself in bed with a tummy ache?  I know that God did not make me sick. Neither physically or in my emotions. But I do know that He brings all things together for good.

tell me what to do

I want to share my heart a little bit. God's been dealing with me in a lot of areas, and I've been mulling over a lot of things inside... heartaches and dreams, passions and duties, frustration, hope, the future, the past...
I'm an introvert by nature. God designed me to be pretty introspective and satisfied to be alone. Conversely, He also created me to be input oriented. I learn when I teach. I'm a "sounding board" person. Expressing ideas aloud helps me sort them out in my mind. I'm also very interested in gathering a lot of information on from a variety of sources and integrating them into an opinion before I make a decision.

Kurt and I have had some decisions to make, lately. Some revolve around our seven-year old son, Isaac. He was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, and has been desperately struggling with school and behavior at home.  Over the past year, we've watched him go from a happy kid excited about school, to one fearful, anxious, and ashamed a great deal of the time. Part of that, I know, is due to the instability in his life because of all that I had to deal with in my personal life. But part of it may be bio-chemical. Either way, he needs more help than Kurt or I can offer at this point.

Having described my temperament a little bit, my tendency has been to talk to a bunch of people, consult several "experts", take him to a couple of different doctors, read several books and articles, and then decide with Kurt our course of action.  It's really easy for me to leave God out of the equation completely.  Except that my heart is bursting for my son. It is devastating to see him hurt and struggle. And in order for me to be able to be strong for my boy, I have to lean hard into the One who will never fail us: Isaac's Creator, who knows Isaac better than I could ever dream to. So we've been praying and praying for God's will in this - calling out to Him for His wisdom, because He promises wisdom to anyone who asks for it.  Even though we're still getting conflicting opinions on the best way to proceed, I feel like we're on the right track, and we'll continue to go one step at a time.

Today's passage in Matthew really stood out to me:

Matthew 23:9 in the Message:
"Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do.  Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do."

We are begging God for humility in this. For the patience to let Him lead. So, for me, instead of taking all of this information I'm gathering about ADHD treatment options and assimilating it in my mind, I'm gathering information and presenting it before God saying, "Please, Father, show me what to do."
Sometimes I have to step away entirely and just love on my little boy, as hard as that can be.
This is a real faith walk for me, I have to be honest. It's one thing when I am the one suffering, but it's a faith-shaker to watch my child suffer. I want God to fix it NOW. I want everything to be OK NOW. But I trust in our God. I trust His plan, His purposes, and His timing. And I trust that He will give the grace to each member of our family exactly as we need it, and that He will give wisdom to those we are trusting to help us through this.

Keep us in your prayers. God is good, all the time. Even when it hurts.

grace is enough

My counselor at Mercy was big on the phrase, "Be sick like an adult". Identify what my needs are, express them and get them met, and then stop whining. Yeah. I'm only partly winning. After eight days of random symptoms, low grade fevers, and extreme fatigue, I decided to finally go to the doctor this morning. Everything looks great except that my lymph nodes are swollen. She said I'm definitely fighting off something, but she suspects it's viral and that I should feel much better in the next 2-3 days.
They ran a CBC and a Blood Chem just to make sure every thing's copacetic.

As much as I've given my best effort to continue with life as normal even though I'm so tired and achy that all I desire is my bed, It's super frustrating to be "under the weather". But I'm learning more and more to watch the thoughts that assault my lil tired mind.
Our Psalm for today in Psalm 19:14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer". 
That's all well and good, but how?  2 Corinthians 10:4-5  "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
The Message Bible writes "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ." (emphasis mine)

I gotta admit. The last thing I've wanted to do over the past couple of days is study the Bible. My flesh is screaming, "OUCH! SLEEP!"  And I definitely don't want to over-spiritualize things. I'm an etherial being living in a concrete world. (that sounded like a Madonna song) It makes no sense to forfeit our present, natural reality completely... hence, my visit to the doctor this morning! But I also know that there is more to this life than what we can see.
So, while my body does its work to fight off this virus of sorts, it is my responsibility to keep my mind fixed on things above. To do my part in the Spiritual sense so that I stay on top of the real battle. That battle is in my mind.
Speaking the Word aloud - quoting scriptures - just hearing them come out of my own mouth builds my faith. Praying in honesty and reading the Bible, even when it seems to make little to no sense. It's going in, and the Holy Spirit is doing a work whether I see immediate results or not.
I'm sharing this because I needed the kick in the butt I got from God this morning. No time is wasted unless I allow it. And just because I feel icky doesn't mean that I have the right to remain idle in my quest for Him.
I sound really holy, huh? :) heh.  Yeah, I'm going to finish this blog, finish my Bible reading, pray and take a nap. Shield of faith up, sword of the spirit armed and ready. God, you gotta do the rest.

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

He hears!

I think sometimes I don't pray because I'm not sure what to say. Things get so jumbled up in my mind, my emotions are all over the place, and the words will not come out. I'm more comfortable curling up in a ball and trying to "sleep it off" than calling out to God. But it is SO profound to me how much God hears!

Genesis records the murder of Abel by his brother, Cain. In essence, Cain was jealous of Abel's relationship with God, and he let it fester into a murderous rage. He lured Abel into a field and killed him. Genesis 4:10 records God's response: "The Lord said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground."
That's intense.
There are many, many references to God's alertness to our condition.  Exodus 3:7 says "God said, "I've taken a good, long look at the affliction of my people in Egypt. I've heard their cries for deliverance from their slave masters; I know all about their pain."  Then He sent Moses to "let His people go..."

One of my personal favorites is in Romans 8:12: "God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know what or how to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans." (The Message)

My heart goes out to the Haitian people. They might not know what to pray or whom to pray to, but there is so much Biblical evidence to prove that God hears them. The blood of the innocent cries from the ground. And I know His heart. In a time where there are SO many questions about the character of God in the face of this tragedy, I know that His heart breaks. He sees their pain, hears their cries, and intervenes in many ways that aren't immediately evident to us.

And as for us, this subject is so close to my heart. Because, when I don't know how to pray - I've been in situations where all I could do is moan - I know that God's heart is postured toward me. I am significant to Him. You are significant to Him. You don't have to be a priest or Bible scholar to be heard by God. He sees you, and He promises that you'll never be alone.
Selah

Storms and Snowdrifts

Matthew 14:13 - 16:28

Can I just pause for a moment on this simple, very profound example of Christ? 'Cuz I need to hear it.

Leading up to today's passages, in Matthew 14:1-12, the story talks about the be-heading of John the Baptist.   John and Jesus Christ were cousins.

Heading over to Luke 1:41, Luke records that "When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit."(Mary was the mother of Jesus, and Elizabeth was the mother of John the Baptist)
John recognized Jesus in utero and was filled with joy.
In Matthew 3:13-17, John finally baptized Jesus after acknowledging Christ's authority and purpose on Earth. Then, in Matthew 11:11, Jesus recognized the great old-covenant power of John's commission. (He also recognized the new, more powerful authority in the new-covenant).

I say all of that to say that John and Jesus were not only cousins, they were friends, and they respected one another greatly. So, when Jesus got news that John had been executed, he was deeply grieved.
This is the great example I mentioned:
Matthew 14:13  "When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.  Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns.  When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

1. He got alone. He let himself feel. He took some time out. He grieved. He probably prayed, and cried, asked tough questions, and questioned himself. Why didn't God tell Him to go get John out of jail? Whey didn't God continue to intervene in Harod's attitude? Were more people going to die because of Him? How many?   He was a person, just like me. Same emotions, same vulnerabilities, same enemy.

2. The crowds had zero regard for His loss. When catastrophe strikes, I think what hurts the most is that the world continues to spin as if everything is OK.  When I lost my dad, had a miscarriage, and any other number of life-shaking events, I wanted time to stop so that I could gather myself. But the world kept going. The calendar kept changing dates. Jobs still needed to be done, kids still needed to be cared for, groceries bought... And yes, people definitely stepped in and helped out! But sometimes, people are ready to stop helping long before my heart stops hurting.

3. (And this is what I need constant grace for)  When He saw the crowds, even though they were stalking him to get, get, get from him... He had compassion for them (all 5000) and healed their sick.  He grieved, prayed, and gave himself away some more. Probably no less in pain, but regardless, reached out, got beyond himself, and served.

That, for me, is what separates those who will be used by God, and those who have some more growing up to do. And I am absolutely speaking to myself. When I get overwhelmed... even in little things, like TODAY. And the kids are all stuck indoors at my house for almost a solid 3 weeks now, and we're all ready to kill each other, and the food I bought isn't lasting as long, and I'm hormonal, and I don't have time to read the Word or talk to my friends because every time I get 5 minutes, there's another explosion somewhere.... All I want to do is retreat into my room, pull the covers over my head and quit. Sleep. Revert.
But the example that Christ sets is, I need to go to my room, pray, cry, get settled with God, and get up, don't harden my heart, but have compassion. Serve my family. Get out of myself. And in that obedience there is blessing. Hopefully, the choice to move past pain will become easier the more I practice. :)

Thoughts?