Abide

You know, it doesn't take much. That left hook - when you were looking for the right - that blindsides you and knocks you out cold with one hit. It's a suckerpunch to the jaw and suddenly the world goes dark and you find yourself groping around, fingers reaching out for the familiar. It can happen in an instant - the world tilts and turns and you know that it's never going to be the same again. Thank God we have a Rock immovable. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the handle we find in the inky black that gives us some kind of orientation to the "right".

It's in these moments (and the moments after) that it's so crucial to hold on to Truth. But what about when I feel so breathless and disoriented that I just don't feel like I can summon the strength to hold on to anything? My fingers go numb and my muscles refuse to obey the command to "hold on". What then?

My best friend once made me a painting in the worst of times, and on it is the word, "stay". It still hangs in my bedroom. Stay. When there is nothing I can do, sometimes it's the things I don't do that become paramount choices. Don't run away - Don't distract or withdraw or act out in a way I think is going to somehow alleviate the panic. Don't shut down, Don't give up, Don't throw it all away for what you can only feel in this moment. Don't unplug from the Source. Don't jump off the Vine.

Jesus invites us to abide. He doesn't ask us to stress and strain and try to fix it all or figure it out. He doesn't ask us to summon some sort of burst of giant faith and push out positive thinking. He doesn't need us to pray the perfect prayers or sing the right songs. Jesus only asks us to "stay". 

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener... Remain [abide] in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain [abide] in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains [abides] in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you... As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain [abide] in my love..." 
John 15:1-10

This passage is not a threat. Hear the tone of Jesus' voice, so loving and matter-of-fact. He's speaking Truth; calmly and carefully repeating himself so that we don't miss it.

What does a branch do to remain in the vine? 
Literally, the answer is: It doesn't fall off. 


How much effort does it take to simply stay? Remain. He's already here. We're already loved. We just have to remain. Don't fall off - don't run off and try to do it by your own strength alone. Don't get despondent and succumb to the lazy self-pity that says, "Well, I guess He doesn't love me anymore..." Don't turn your back on Jesus, just remain.

I can do that, Lord. I can abide. I don't have the strength to figure it out. I don't understand - I have so many questions and I feel so weak and tired. I can't imagine taking another step right now. But I trust You enough to know that You've somehow got this. You have eternity in mind for me. So I choose to stay. I can't hold on, but I won't let go.

www.flickr.com - Kalecik Karası Grape-vine (Kalecikkarasi) 

*FYI, my family is fine. I'm just having to face some things from my past that are new and shocking and difficult. But we're ok. Just didn't want any of my friends to panic. ;)

these days

Sometimes an obedient heart means you leap before you look. 

Artwork by abbEy

Tomorrow, I'm getting on a plane to fly to Nashville, TN to work on a project with some really awesome people. I'm not really able to get into more detail at this point because it's still very much in the planning stages, but I'll try and share what I can when I can. I can say, though, that this opportunity is an honor and I'm incredibly excited and blessed that God has chosen to open this door to... wherever it leads.
This is truly one of those situations where I'm walking in not really knowing what to expect - in an unfamiliar city with unfamiliar people doing unfamiliar things. I've been encouraged to see it as an adventure. :) And it is.

On another note,
Today was the end of our Awake 21 fast. I can't fully describe what a precious time it's been. Kurt and I have seen significant shifts in things we've been praying into. And in the things that still have yet to manifest, we've been given the greatest gift of all - faith. One of the biggest lessons I have to learn at this point, is that breaking a fast doesn't mean things "go back" to the way they were. A new spiritual water mark has been set in my life, and now it's time to learn to live out of this new place. I feel, sometimes, like God is constantly pushing me onward - challenging me. The truth is, He is constantly drawing me - calling me. The challenge is getting out of my own way long enough for Him to work.

I've been thinking about a couple of significant times in my life where God brought me to a new place in faith. Two specific memories come from childhood, and they are treasures to me.

When I was maybe six years old, we lived in Europe and traveled a lot. My mom gave me a Walk Man and some Christian cassette tapes (go 1987!) to occupy me while we drove around in our huge conversion van. Looking back, those Psalty the Singing Songbook and Colby's Clubhouse tapes had some real gems of truth! I remember so very clearly this song, "You Satisfy my Soul".

"You satisfy my soul,
you satisfy my soul,
When I reach out with a longing
that only you can fill,
then You satisfy my soul."

Understanding my life at that time and all that was going on at the age of six, I'm awestruck. God filled me with so much peace as I sang in my heart to Him. He reached into the mess of my circumstances and took hold of His little girl. I still remember the girl on the tape saying, "Colby, I always feel so peaceful when I'm singing praises to the Lord." Somehow, even then, I knew that getting close to God was the answer. And I certainly didn't come up with that all by myself!

As a teenager, camp was the highlight of every year. When I was in late Junior High and High School, a couple of us from my youth group went to a Navigators Camp out in Colorado called Eagle Lake Camp. I made critical commitments at those camps that gave me something to hold on to through those incredibly difficult years. One summer, I somehow summoned the courage to ask my counselor, Adele to go out on a canoe with me. I was one of those kids who never felt worthy of "special" attention. I stumbled through the entire week, and finally I asked. We paddled out into the middle of Eagle Lake, and she waited for me to speak. I still remember how she looked at me with so much compassion and understanding and the ache in me to be heard and understood. I didn't tell her about the abuse per se, but I alluded to a devastation inside of me that I could hardly touch. I think at the time, I thought I was being cryptic, but I'm sure she understood that I was in trouble and hurting. She was the one who encouraged me to seek counseling with a Christian therapist. She stayed in touch with me for a little while after I got home, and her letters gave me a connection and sense of significance that I desperately needed. Because of her, I resolved to keep on fighting.

Looking back over 25 years of being a Christian, I'm blown away by the depth of the Father's heart toward me. 

Here's something: I don't always know how my messages comes through in this blog. I mostly write out of obedience, and I never check my stats to see if anyone's even reading. Maybe I seem like an extremist or religious fanatic. Maybe I seem "out there" and my experiences are unrelateable. Most of you who've commented in one way or another know me well enough to know that I couldn't be a more raw and "real" person. But in the midst of all of the words, my hope is that, somehow, through telling the stories of my life, that you will see God's heart toward YOU. That you would be able to trace the threads of grace through your own life and see that you are so much more than you ever believed you could be. I pray that every person walking this planet would somehow, some way come into a realization of how God sees them. Look through the Father's eyes at yourself. You'll be blown away.

Meanwhile, I'll continue to testify to the way that God has moved me, praying that you'll see beyond me and my flaws and into His heart.

Love, Love, Love
Emily

Making Space

I've come to write several times this week. In fact, I have 2 or 3 blogs in draft all ready to go. But it just doesn't feel like time for all of that just yet. The past 8 days have been more about listening, for me. About making space.

Our church family has joined up with churches across the globe to participate in Awakening - 21 days of corporate prayer and fasting. For my part, this has been the first time that Kurt and I have really fasted in the traditional sense of the word. We've chosen to participate in a modified "Daniel Fast" eating only fruits and veggies along with bean and nut proteins. I've recently added in some whole grain to make sure I'm getting enough calories to keep up with my speedy little metabolism. We're on day 8, today, and it has been a real adventurous time of seeking God on a whole new level.

We've chosen a couple of main issues to press in to prayer about, and already I can see the hand of God working in my heart and attitude in those areas. I'm excited to look back when this is all over and share what God has done! Some really cool "coincidental" things have already shifted, and it's only day 8!

Of course, for me, the two biggest hurtles in fasting have been 1. Not letting it be about the food and 2. Not getting legalistic about everything. At first, I didn't think it would be much different for me. I generally eat pretty healthy meals (minus the fast food and Starbucks). But something shifts on a spiritual level when we fast, and I am still learning about as we go. I struggle to understand it with my rational mind. How does foregoing certain foods bring you closer to God? Is it like some spiritual mountain climb, that if I eat the wrong thing I slip back a few yards and have to climb that part again? What happens when I get to the top?
I used to think that fasting was about feeling hungry. And when I felt hungry, I was supposed to make that into a hunger for God. Like, literally. But I don't very often get hungry. If I get busy and skip a meal or something, my body cues are shakiness and fogginess, not hunger pains in my belly. So does that mean that fasting won't work for me?

Stovall Weems wrote a book called Awakening: A New Approach to Faith, Fasting, and Spiritual Freedom, as a companion to this Awakening event. He wrote, "Fasting is not about figuring it all out. It's about making a space for God to fill with Himself." Somehow, that made sense to me.
By giving up something in the name of discipleship, I am creating a space in my life and inviting God to come and fill it. This was the most relieving part for me: It's not my responsibility to make God fill that space. It's His responsibility to respond to my obedience and faith. God craves an intimate relationship with us more than I could ever fully express. Just read Song of Solomon or parts of Hosea. Oh, He longs to be near to us. But we surround ourselves with so much "stuff"! TV and computers and schedules and social obligations and food and clothes and shopping and, and, and...

We were created with a soulish "hunger", and because of the fall, those "appetites" got redirected. So we walk around with this "need"all of the time, and our souls get really creative about how to meet that need. By taking away one of the things our soul most naturally reaches for, we find ourselves grasping and searching like a child looking for her blankie. This is the space. This is the space that we leave open for God to fill with Himself. Fasting awakens our souls to the true need in our life - and that is intimacy with God. And this is, by far, the best part. My soul cries out like a child in the night, and Abba rushes in to comfort me. It can be a foreign sensation as our souls adjust, because maybe God wasn't exactly what it was looking for. But soon, it recognizes that He was more than what it was looking for, and it nestles in.

It's only been 8 days, and as I've denied my soul, it's gotten pretty darn cranky at times. But I am more sensitive to the presence of the Lord, and I'm listening, because I know He's got some pretty important things to tell me while He holds me in His arms.

There is more to share, and I'm looking forward to putting it all down in words when the time is right. :)

the gift of receiving

I am constantly humbled by God's crazy love. And I'm constantly convicted by my apparent lack of ability to receive. I wish I could say that by some noble mark of humility, I have found myself in a position more comfortable with giving, but the truth is, I've forgotten how to receive.

My kids have no problem receiving. Kids are spongy in ways that make sponges look inferior. My three expect to be given things. They expect that their needs will be met, that there will always be an overflow of abundance, and that their hands will always be full. In handing a sweet treat to my little girl, I have never heard the words, "No, thank you. I don't need that, momma." But how many times do I hold up my hand and look at the ground and say, "I'm fine, thanks. I don't need that, Lord."





Before jumping to the conclusion that I am insane, think back on the times we couldn't forgive ourselves. I've made a mistake, and even though I'm broken with the pain of regret, I refuse to be comforted. I deserved this. I shouldn't have... I wish I would have...I can't believe that I... And God is standing with His forgiveness wrapped up in a golden ribbon, waiting.
The times I didn't rest when I should have. When I was lead to those green pastures, but I shook my head and kept on walking. When I collapsed on craggy rock, frustrated with God for my lack of energy after He had offered respite but I refused.
The times He poured out love on me - tangible, thick, and more than I deserved. But my heart was guarded and afraid to feel, because I've been hurt so many, many times. So the waterfall of grace rolled off of my back, and I stood numbly reaching, but never receiving. 

I get uncomfortable when I am complimented "too much". I shake my hand and turn down "Thanks" with "No need to thank me" instead of a gracious "You're welcome!" Am I always the first to pull away from a hug? Why am I so afraid to be loved?

Of course, there is always the flip side. The wealth of things I have received and never given thanks for - things I have taken for granted. But it's the love, for me. It's the things that speak, "I'm here. You're Ok. I love you. I delight in you." (He whispers these things to you, as well.) These are the things that meet a weathered wall, and I must somehow choose to be vulnerable to pain in order to receive the love that heals it. 

I find myself wrapped up in the arms that hold no conditions. Sweet words sung over me, sweet whispers of promises I want so badly to believe. At first, I'm tense, because I'm sure this feeling will end and be followed by immense loneliness. I won't be fooled, I've been betrayed before. But the arms remain far past my comfort zone- into eternity -so I dare to relax a bit and then rest. I'm praying there is safety here - praying to the only One who will never, ever disappoint.

acrylic pastels by abbEy

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."  - Zephaniah 3:17


"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

big week, big God

It's been a big week at the Wagoner house, and it's only Thursday. 

Monday began a critical audit at Kurt's workplace. Basically, the official officials from the "client" come to evaluate and check for errors in the "product". Kind of like a spell check, except much more subjective and dealing with millions of dollars.  My husband is of the rock-steady variety.  Our life is far from predictable, and I feel like he handles it really well.  I'm just so tuned in to the emotional climate in my home, that even when he simply lies on the bed with his shoes and tie still on and closes his eyes, my heart breaks for him. I know he's exhausted on a level beyond the amount of sleep he did or didn't get last night.

Monday also began my sojourn back into academia.  I have a passion for learning, experiencing, and sharing new things, so school is so much fun for me. I never got a chance to finish my Bachelors degree in Creative Writing, and it's always been a desire of my heart to graduate from college.  (I don't know why. No one else understands it either. lol)  When I found a distance learning program through Regent University that would allow me to complete a Bachelors in Christian Ministry, I felt a prompting from God to go for it. Things lined up and fell into place for me to start classes this summer, so here I am! It's a rare gift to be able to study something I'm so interested in, while knowing that I am taking steps toward the dreams that God has placed in my heart. I'm in freshman level courses to fill in the gaps from my transfer, so the course load isn't difficult, but it's going to be interesting to see how this extra responsibility adds in to my already full life.

And then there's the "life stuff".  The boys are almost done with school for the year, so we're in the *spring fever* season. For an ADHD child, added community-wide restlessness is not helpful. Isaac's handling it, but it's mentally exhausting for him. He's come home weepy and emotional almost every day. Annabelle showed up with a cold in the last day or two that's turning into an upper-respiratory issue. She was up in the middle of the night last night, struggling to breathe. We did the hot-shower treatment to open up her little airway, and it helped. She's doing fine today, but the nights get kind of scary with colds like these. I have two very close friends moving away within the next ten days and another very close friend getting married at the end of the month!  Our friend and Worship Pastor is overseas, and Kurt has been asked to help fill in some of the gaps in the teams this weekend.

And then, last night, we got word that Kurt's aunt has passed away suddenly from complications from surgery.  He's doing alright, but it's difficult to see the family hurting. She was my father-in-law's sister, and the daughter of "Granny" and "Old Man", whom we visited in Ft. Lauderdale in March.

So, yeah, life is busy and unpredictable! In the past, my idealistic thinking would take this as a cumulative disaster.  There is a deep sense of unrest that comes with feeling out of control of the circumstances I face, and that unrest translates into "stress".  Having to be malleable to change, adapting my plans and my thinking, and letting go of expectations is contrary to my nature. I seek comfort and stability, routine and security, and I wish to control every aspect of my life so that those four things happen the way that I plan for them!  In my life, "stress" is seeking to control situations and circumstances beyond my control, and "chaos" is giving up control to the circumstances themselves; allowing life to toss me about like driftwood in the ocean.

God, (thank God), offers a happy medium. My theistic worldview allows me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is someone greater than me ordering this world. My personal relationship with God in Christ allows me to believe that God is good all of the time, therefore He is trustworthy in His order.  And if I live my life according to the presumptions and convictions of my heart, then I need not be shaken by the unknowns.  I am able to rest in true peace, knowing my Father has it under control. Even when I can't see three steps in front of me, I trust the ground will still be there when I get there.

I found this scripture early this week, and even though I've read it a thousand times, it brought me true peace.  Hopefully it can bring comfort to your chaos when you need it.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."  Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

mom's day

Mother's Day is a very big day. I know how women are. This is one particular day out of the year that we have purpose to become hyper-introspective.  

We think about our moms. Maybe we knew her, maybe we didn't, maybe we had more than one. Maybe we had a "mom" that wasn't our "mom". We think about our childhoods. (Sometimes whether we want to or not!)  What our moms did that we will NEVER do. What went well, and what we appreciate now that we didn't then.

And we think about being or becoming a mom.  Nothing will bring more women to tears for more different reasons than meditating on that subject.  Maybe we don't ever want children, or maybe we have children we weren't expecting.  Maybe we can't wait to start having children, or maybe the trying has been heartbreaking. Maybe we're grateful for the kids we have, and maybe we're mourning the ones we've lost. Maybe we know we can never give birth to a child, but we mother none-the-less.

Guarantee that, by and large, guys do not go through the emotional overhaul on Father's Day that we ladies do on Mother's Day.  If they get emotional about "fathers", it's usually during "Into the Wild" or  "Hannah Montana, The Movie".  (You think I'm kidding. Tears. Actual Tears.)
I know I'm not being fair to the guys and their powers of introspection. LOL
It's just that women have the instinctive intuitive ability to turn any occasion into An Occasion.

In all honesty, I can only speak from my own experience as a woman. I feel like God carved out a space on the inside of me, and there is a deeply running river that ties me to my identity as a daughter and a mother. It rings out in a place beyond what I can see and describe.  It is deeply personal and deeply sacred.  And I believe that God intended for it to be this way! He gave us parents to give substance to an indescribable God. We understand God by coming to understand our parents. For better or worse, unfortunately.  And He gave moms supernatural grace to love the way He loves - whatever the object of that love may be.  The world is a flawed place. God's design is not.

Today, I am grateful. I feel a lot of things, but most prominently, I am grateful. I am the daughter of a mom I have never met and an adopted mom who loves me deeply. I am a mother to three astounding kids sleeping snug in their beds as I write and three in a place more perfect than I can imagine. And most importantly, I am the daughter of the Most High God.  I have so much to be grateful for.

To anyone woman who may read this post: 

Whatever your situation was and is, know that there is one constant you can cling to today. If you've given your heart to Jesus Christ, you can rest in the knowledge that you are now and forever the daughter of the King. And when the whole earth fades away, He remains.

If you've loved and lost, whether in dreams or in this life, I'm so very sorry. You are not alone in your grief. God's heart is for his daughters.  He is not asking you to put away the pain. He invites you to share it with Him, to pour out your heart to Him, and then trust Him to lead you forward.

And if you think you are not a mother, you are. Look around at the ones you have loved without payback or gain. The ones you have loved who have made a mess, but it didn't change a thing. The ones you have held and comforted and patched up a wound. You may not have the title "Mom", but you have a mommy's heart. So I honor you today just the same.

From my heart to yours,
Emily

this i know?

In church on Sunday, Pastor Micah was talking about "atonement".   Under the Old Covenant, atonement was made by the priest for the people of the nation (Aaron, at the time of these commands). Leviticus 16: 20-22 describes something really profound called the "substitutionary atonement".

Leviticus 16: 20-22 "When Aaron has finished making atonement for the Most Holy Place, the Tent of Meeting, and the altar, he shall bring forward the live goat. He is to lay both hands on the head of the live goat and confess over it all the wickedness and rebellion of the Israelites - all their sins - and put them on the goat's head.  He shall send the goat away into the desert in the care of a man appointed to the task. The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a solitary place; and the man shall release it in the desert."

It's an obvious enough parallel. Christ carried our sins on his body on the cross. He was the scapegoat that made atonement for our sins. We've heard it a million times.  But I feel God calling me to reexamine my heart in all of this.

I was talking to my small group this morning about how difficult it can be to receive God's unconditional love. It's easy to know "Jesus loves me". We sing songs all of the time in church of the Father's love. But when it comes down to it, how deeply do we fully receive the unconditional LOVE of God?
My mentality was always performance-based.  I felt that I had to clean up my act, quit drinking, quit smoking, read my Bible every day for a week, and then maybe God would stop being mad at me and we could have a real relationship.  Even at Mercy, I would read my Bible furiously, try to finish our assigned materials faster, and stress myself out trying - trying - trying.

One day God stopped me and spoke into my heart... "Why are you trying to earn my love?"
I said, "I'm not!" (Because clearly, God misunderstood my motives...)
He gently replied, "Yes you are."
I argued back "NU-UH!"
It was quiet for a moment, but I could sense His presence. Like He was waiting. Finally, I humbled my heart and said, "That's all I got". *shrug*
It's hilarious to me now. But isn't it strange how we sometimes respond to God's convictions?

This was the point that God was trying to make:
Romans 5:6-8 "Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready.  And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway.  We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice.  But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to Him." (The Message)

Selah. Pause a minute and think.
Don't let these stories and metaphors and churchy-rhetoric distract you from the mind-blowing message of God.  We don't have to have some high priest put together an elaborate ritual, lay hands on a goat, confess my sins to it and send it into the desert. Christ made the final atonement. It's not something that demands a repeat performance. Christ took care of it.  And God sent Jesus because he LOVES you. He loves me. He loves us. Passionately, deeply, unconditionally.
You can't earn His love. As Pastor Micah said, "There may be retribution, reconciliation to make, consequences... but never will we ever have to atone for our sins again."
And that's LOVE.

Romans 8:39 
"Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture... None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing -- nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable -- absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."