waiting it out

I guess I've drifted into "survival mode". It's the moment-to-moment careful distribution of time and energy to my top 10 priorities in life while everything else gets put on pause. Our family is going through some pretty major shifts right now. There are a lot of unknowns about Kurt's job (he's got one, just thinking about a change), where to live, where the kids will go to school, financial stuff, health stuff, kids stuff - the whole nine. Most of these changes are positive and exciting, but still unknown. I know that God has some pretty major things lined up for us in the next year, and I'm finding myself anxious to see how the end reads.

Last weekend, I went camping with my son, Alex, for Scouts. He's a Weebelo, which is the transition between the Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts. All of the Weebelos in the district went down to Camp Wakonda to spend time with a "brother" Boy Scout troop and learn the ropes from the older kids. It's like a mini college recruitment. Kurt had camped the weekend before and had some obligations on Saturday, so I decided to go with Alex. We packed up the bare essentials - sleeping bag, change of clothes, tent, flashlight, lantern, bug spray, and water and took off. We honestly didn't bring much else. The Scouts are all about doing it au naturale.

Alex and I set up camp just fine, and he played night tag with the kids while I sat with some of the other parents and talked. We had a cracker barrel and laid ground rules and it was TAPS at 10:30. As diva as I can be, I really like sleeping outdoors. The tent walls were thin enough that I could see the full moon like a far away glow inching across the tent ceiling. It was about 65 degrees on a perfect late summer night. The cicadas and crickets were a racket, but somehow it all lulled me to sleep.

About 1:30 am, I woke up to what sounded like a car wash. A storm had blown in and rain was pelting the tent. I flicked on our lantern and took a look around the tent, fully expecting to see a half inch of standing water. Thankfully, we were mostly dry. I inspected the gear and made sure nothing was touching the sides of the tent that could leech water in. Finally, I laid back down and listened to the pouring rain. The wind started to pick up and blow our roof-flap around. The sides of the tent started to shake, and thunder crashed overhead. My heart pounded. I felt as vulnerable as if I'd been standing under a hand-held umbrella.

Around 3:00 am, I gave up on sleeping and started thinking about a strategy. The storm showed no sign of letting up, and I couldn't get a signal on my phone to check the weather. Our camp site was a good 200 yard walk from the car. There was no way I was going to be able to salvage myself, Alex, and our gear in the downpour. Ultimately, I decided that the best thing we could do - the only thing we could do - was stay in the tent and wait it out.

I found myself lying there waiting for the tent to collapse in on us. I played out a dozen scenarios of what it would be like to find myself under a mess of sopping wet tent material. Would we even be able to breathe or find our way out? I hadn't brought a knife. I only had a couple of emergency ponchos that were like plastic bags with holes in them. My heart pounded away and my eyes strained against the dark, searching for any sign of tent failure.
Although I had been praying the whole time, in those dark hours before dawn, I prayed in earnest. My prayers weren't elaborate or inspired. They were more like a bunch of random pleas and some mild irritation at our misfortune.

Finally, God got through to me. I thought about all of the unknowns in life right now. I thought about the scary changes and the unforeseeable future. And I thought about how, although I was depending on God to keep me safe and dry, I was mostly just lying awake waiting for everything to collapse in on me. I had to smile at how often I do that. How often do I relegate God's protective, divine, and sovereign power to the protection of a tent in a thunderstorm?

God never promised there wouldn't be rain, but He did promise to be our shelter in the storm. And God's shelter is no flimsy tent. It is, comparatively, a five-star penthouse suite in an above-ground fall out shelter in a castle. Even in my own home, I don't fear a thunderstorm.
We lend our faith to things every day. I trust a plywood, glass, tar paper, and shingled house to protect my family during a storm. Why can I not trust God, creator of the universe, with my uncertain future?

We made it through the night dry for the most part. The rain lifted the next morning and quit completely by the afternoon. Of course, the Boy Scouts have a "Be Prepared" mindset and didn't cancel any of the planned activities. We did them in the mud and rain. I didn't mind the weather, though. Sure I was a little chilly and uncomfortable, but I was not afraid. I find that almost anything is endurable when fear is removed from the equation, because in the absence of fear is God's perfect, inexplicable peace. Learning to walk in that peace is one of the great lessons of my life.

Psalm 27:4-5 (NIV)


One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.


For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

big week, big God

It's been a big week at the Wagoner house, and it's only Thursday. 

Monday began a critical audit at Kurt's workplace. Basically, the official officials from the "client" come to evaluate and check for errors in the "product". Kind of like a spell check, except much more subjective and dealing with millions of dollars.  My husband is of the rock-steady variety.  Our life is far from predictable, and I feel like he handles it really well.  I'm just so tuned in to the emotional climate in my home, that even when he simply lies on the bed with his shoes and tie still on and closes his eyes, my heart breaks for him. I know he's exhausted on a level beyond the amount of sleep he did or didn't get last night.

Monday also began my sojourn back into academia.  I have a passion for learning, experiencing, and sharing new things, so school is so much fun for me. I never got a chance to finish my Bachelors degree in Creative Writing, and it's always been a desire of my heart to graduate from college.  (I don't know why. No one else understands it either. lol)  When I found a distance learning program through Regent University that would allow me to complete a Bachelors in Christian Ministry, I felt a prompting from God to go for it. Things lined up and fell into place for me to start classes this summer, so here I am! It's a rare gift to be able to study something I'm so interested in, while knowing that I am taking steps toward the dreams that God has placed in my heart. I'm in freshman level courses to fill in the gaps from my transfer, so the course load isn't difficult, but it's going to be interesting to see how this extra responsibility adds in to my already full life.

And then there's the "life stuff".  The boys are almost done with school for the year, so we're in the *spring fever* season. For an ADHD child, added community-wide restlessness is not helpful. Isaac's handling it, but it's mentally exhausting for him. He's come home weepy and emotional almost every day. Annabelle showed up with a cold in the last day or two that's turning into an upper-respiratory issue. She was up in the middle of the night last night, struggling to breathe. We did the hot-shower treatment to open up her little airway, and it helped. She's doing fine today, but the nights get kind of scary with colds like these. I have two very close friends moving away within the next ten days and another very close friend getting married at the end of the month!  Our friend and Worship Pastor is overseas, and Kurt has been asked to help fill in some of the gaps in the teams this weekend.

And then, last night, we got word that Kurt's aunt has passed away suddenly from complications from surgery.  He's doing alright, but it's difficult to see the family hurting. She was my father-in-law's sister, and the daughter of "Granny" and "Old Man", whom we visited in Ft. Lauderdale in March.

So, yeah, life is busy and unpredictable! In the past, my idealistic thinking would take this as a cumulative disaster.  There is a deep sense of unrest that comes with feeling out of control of the circumstances I face, and that unrest translates into "stress".  Having to be malleable to change, adapting my plans and my thinking, and letting go of expectations is contrary to my nature. I seek comfort and stability, routine and security, and I wish to control every aspect of my life so that those four things happen the way that I plan for them!  In my life, "stress" is seeking to control situations and circumstances beyond my control, and "chaos" is giving up control to the circumstances themselves; allowing life to toss me about like driftwood in the ocean.

God, (thank God), offers a happy medium. My theistic worldview allows me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is someone greater than me ordering this world. My personal relationship with God in Christ allows me to believe that God is good all of the time, therefore He is trustworthy in His order.  And if I live my life according to the presumptions and convictions of my heart, then I need not be shaken by the unknowns.  I am able to rest in true peace, knowing my Father has it under control. Even when I can't see three steps in front of me, I trust the ground will still be there when I get there.

I found this scripture early this week, and even though I've read it a thousand times, it brought me true peace.  Hopefully it can bring comfort to your chaos when you need it.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."  Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

walking on water

I wish you could come sit down next to me and experience the absolute peace flooding into my bedroom right now. It's a crisp, cool late morning, the sun is shining but not abrasive, and the birds are singing sweetly. Louie Giglio is talking to me from Kurt's computer, and I'm overwhelmed by the tangible presence of God right here and now. I know that He's always here... He promised that He would be (Joshua 1:5), but sometimes I can't FEEL Him.

I'm learning that the walk of a disciple of Christ is not all about "feeling". Yet, emotions were given us by God when we were created in His image. People talk to me all the time about "hearing from God", "hearing the voice of God", feeling "led" to do this or that.  And I've experienced that. I have.  A sense in my Spirit or an idea that I know did NOT come from me, because it's either so far OUT there or so brilliant that I wouldn't take credit for it if someone asked. Sometimes, though, the things in life - chaos, circumstances, desires, doubt, fear, surprises, pain, business, exhaustion - can push me under water where the voice of God is muffled and distorted.

You know what things sound like under water?   In my Red-Cross swimming lessons, I once had to do the "dead man's float" for 5 full minutes. (I could breathe when I had to, but had to go right back to floating)  In the water, everything is quiet save a distant seeming splash or a garbled series of tones.  It's isolating - which, for me, was part of the appeal of swimming as a kid.  But before long, the strain of staying afloat, the lack of plentiful oxygen, and the blocking out of sensory input is wearing.

See, we were not created to live in the water. If we had to, we could survive. We've invented things like oxygen masks, flotation devices, and wet suits to help with life in the water. There are even these cool "coms" inside of scuba rigs that let divers talk to each other.
But ultimately, man was created for dry land.

It's not a perfect analogy (what is?), but I think sometimes we're diving and we don't realize it. Or we're floating, or we're sinking. I've been all three.  And there's nothing wrong with it. I don't think we're going to be relaxing on the beach until we leave Earth as it is now.
But when I'm submerged in water, I can't hear God clearly. And sometimes, when I'm drowning, all I can do is push my hand up out of the water and wave it back and forth praying for God to grab ahold of it.
And you know what? He does. Every time.

Sometimes He just holds my hand and keeps me from drowning, but he doesn't pull me up too far. It can feel like an eternity of nothing but the vague sensation of a hand holding mine. There are so many other sensations happening that paying full attention to my one hand is impossible.
And then there are times when God tugs a little bit and I realize that He's there. I quit struggling and still my soul and let Him lead. And on days like today, I get the sense that He's pulled my head above the water.
I drink in the fresh, oxygen-rich air and look my Savior in the face, and I can hear His voice without the interference of the oceanic tide.

Ooh. I didn't plan on this analogy, but it's working! lol
Christ is a steady place to cling to. And He gives us the power to not only survive in the water, but thrive.  Life is unpredictable, and we won't always have the sensation of resting against the buoy and drinking in the sunlight and the face of God. But I do believe that He intends for us to seek Him and carve out spaces in our lives where we can stop struggling against the tide and let Him pull us up.

So that's my journey as a disciple. He's so present. And today, I get to FEEL Him and His love.

Psalm 61:1-5 (The Message)


"God, listen to me shout, 
bend an ear to my prayer.
When I'm far from anywhere,
down to my last gasp,
I call out, "Guide me
up High Rock Mountain!"


You've always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You've always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know 
and love you."

neverending fairy tale

Admittedly, I've been in bit of a black hole since we got back from vacation.  I did a lot of theatre in high school, and I used to have a recurring dream where I would be shoved onto the stage midway through the second act with no idea what my lines were. I'd stand there in the spotlight while the other principal character grinned at me, completely at a loss for words. Usually, I'd end up improvising and trying to play it off, but then my dreams progressed to where I didn't even know which play I was in!
Yeah, coming back from vacation is kind of like that.
"What's my line?"

There are so few constants in this life. Especially with three kids in the house and time moving so fast I feel like I'm running from "The Nothing". I never know what any given day is going to look like, despite my best efforts to plan. I don't know what's going to come in the mail, who's going to be sick, how motivated I'm going to feel, if my daughter's going to have an attitude, my son's going to be suspended from school, or my husband's going to have a job next week. I find myself continuing to try to control things, but they just crumble through my fingers. "I used to have such big, strong hands." (What's with The Neverending Story script in my head today?)

Hahaha

Anyway... (sorry, this Neverending Winter is going to my head I think) ;)

Yesterday in @heartsomaha, Dr Deb was talking about the story of Esther.  It's hard, I think, to always bring a fresh perspective to such a famous (and twice made movie) story. But she really got us thinking about how we see ourselves, and how we approach our King.  Do we walk around as paupers? Poor and undeserving, lowly and terrified, bashful and constantly trying to earn time with the king...  Or do we see ourselves as royalty?  Secure in our inheritance, confident in our position, knowing that we are loved and desired, operating in authority...

It challenged me to rethink my attitude. Because I've made Jesus Christ the Lord of my life, I'm adopted as a daughter of the King of Kings. That makes me royalty by definition. So why am I worrying myself over the unpredictable things in life, when I have full access to the One who can make anything happen? A princess knows the heart of her father, the King. And I know that the heart of God is good. So while things in life are rarely "easy-mode", I don't have to worry. I can rest easy in the arms of the King and let him be the constant. There is so much security in knowing that I am safe. I am taken care of.  In the midst of incredible trial, I am held. 

Take this identity as royalty as many different directions as you please, but for me, at this time, I just need to know that He's got it. I don't have to control everything. (Hark!) It's a weight off.

There's an awesome book called,  "His Princess, Love Letters from Your King" by Sheri Rose Shepherd. Here is an excerpt from the heart of the King.

   "My Princess... I am your peace.

      I long to give you rest for your soul and peace in your heart.  I know sometimes it looks like life has no peace to offer - just one big problem after another. It's true that the world is filled with hatred, envy, and every sort of evil, so please don't be looking for peace in people or attempting to position yourself where there are no problems.  The kind of peace the world tries to offer is built on false hope and man-made idols that will eventually crumble.  The peace I give you will transcend any trial or tribulation that comes against you because it is supernatural. So position yourself completely in My care, and let go of all those things you cannot control.  Then you will find true peace.  In the middle of chaos and confusion, I will always be your safe place - a place of peace.  I'm asking you, My princess, to share with others the peace I give freely to you.

   Love, 

   Your King and you Perfect Peace"

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."                2 Corinthians 6:18

the day after the day after that

I wanted to post one more blog before I leave town. There's a good chance we'll have internet at Kurt's grandparents' house, but I'm not positive. Hopefully I'll get to write... I've been missing it so much.

Mentioned in my last post that I've been sick. Really sick - in bed wiped out bacterial infection - sick. It wasn't until today, four days into antibiotics and finally feeling more myself, that I realized how unwell I've truly been.  It's hard to have perspective in the moment, but it's like that hum you don't notice until it stops. The sudden "silence" and ability to think in contrast to how I've been the last almost month is startling!
Anyway, I digress.

I sort of feel like I've been spit out by a whale. There's a verse that talks about God's mercies being new every morning. A fresh start, a clean slate every day. I wasn't sure of the reference, so I went to my "The Strongest NIV Exhaustive Concordance" by Goodrick and Kohlenberger III (sounds impressive, huh? LOL)  and there is a full three columned page on "morning, morning's and mornings".  In the Bible there is so much reference to dawn and morning and birth and re-birth. God is a HUGE fan of "new".

I drop back in awe.

It's difficult to verbalize the amazing, cleansing freedom of a life in Christ. I never knew. I think everyone knows the agony of regret. Big or small... life-changing or just a wrong turn in the middle of a day, there is a tearing inside that is almost unmatched in human suffering when it comes to regret.
I've talked to several God-given guides in my life about this lately, but it is becoming more and more apparent to me that I have lived under a constant umbrella of guilt and regret. That hum. It's exhausting and life-stealing. And though God's walked me through a TON of the "why" and "what" of it, there is work yet to be done in that area.  It's a dark, evil place - regret. Because there is NOTHING I can do about something already said and done. I make amends, take responsibility, and ask forgiveness, but then what?

Joyce Meyer says this, "God will tell you what you are about to do wrong so you can change your mind before you make a mistake. Satan waits until it's too late, when you can no longer do anything about it, and then tries to bring regret and ultimate condemnation upon you." (Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You Are Going)
Yep.

God's economy can be summed up in one word: "Morning"
Daybreak. It's almost like taking a really deep breath of cool, clean air. A sigh of relief followed by a rush of joy and gratitude that brings me to tears. Oh, God, you are so good.

Lamentations 3:19-24
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (emphasis mine)

How amazing that every 24 (ish) hours we get a sun-up reminder of God's unrelenting, merciful love?
There's no regret in God's economy. Consequences, sometimes, but NEVER regret. Just love... love love love love love.
It's a life-saving truth. Holy Spirit, burn this on the inside of me. Let me never forget how good God is.
Selah.

blessed

Did I mention that I am having a blast reading through the NIV/Message Parallel Bible ?

It has the trusted, "accredited" NIV Biblical translation, and along side it Eugene Peterson's amazing modern-day language interpretation. There's a great description of it on the Amazon website.

Anyway... reading through Matthew 5:3-11
Jesus pulls his committed apprentices to him and tells them something very profound.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, 
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, 
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, 
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, 
for they will be called sons of God. 
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Beautiful passages. Very poetic. And if you grew up in the church, they're very familiar. But I've never really been able to appreciate the entire meaning of the words. Obviously Jesus found them to be a very important teaching point. Perhaps I should strive to understand? A lot of times, I'll ask the Holy Spirit for revelation. In this case, the revelation was The Message translation.

Check this out.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.  With less of you, there is more of God and his rule." 
"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less.  That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God.  He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat."
"You're blessed when you care.  At the moment of being 'care-full', you'll find yourselves cared for."
"You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right.  Then you can see God in the outside world."
"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.  That's when you'll discover who you really are and your place in God's family."
"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.  The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom."

Depending on where you find yourself today, one or another may pop out at you as something you can grab ahold of. I think I could read this list several times over several months, and each time it will mean something different to me. These are words from the lips of Jesus Christ. You can take ahold of them as promises to keep close to your heart. Let them wash over you, today. Let them bring you peace.

Selah.